What Makes a Wallflower?

This is actually a post that I came across in another forum but I think its a great question.

Why is it some women are asked to dance by men and some are not? What is it about a woman that makes her a "wallflower"? From personal observation it does not appear to be age, physical attractiveness, personality, or friendliness. Two women of similar age, attractiveness, etc. can walk into a dance and one will get asked to dance and one will end up decorating the wall. Why is that?

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I also saw this over on Dancetalk.

To this I have to reply to a question with a question; why is it that some women want to rely on being asked rather then asking themselves? I believe that the idea that only men are suppose to ask for a dance is outdated and has been for a long time now. Very rarely am I at a dance where ladies have not asked me for a dance.

I know that this question is referring more to the man's side of the equation and what it is that makes him want to ask one lady and not the other, but what is mentioned above does come to mind.

Honestly what would make me pick one over the other if I were the male would be their body language. I mean if one is exuding more of an agressive vibe through her body language I'd rather dance with her over the one that may seem a bit more reserved....but you all know the saying about "first impressions".

Spitfire said:

To this I have to reply to a question with a question; why is it that some women want to rely on being asked rather then asking themselves?

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This is true, on many levels. If you are a follwer, beginner or not, you should ask the leaders to dance.

I remember when I first started dancing I was shy, nervous, or just didn't think I was very good. I would desparately desire for someone to ask me to dance, and become terrified when they actually did. I remember this feeling and I know the only way to get over it is to dance with as many people as possible. So followers ask your leaders to dance and help build their confidence the way others have done for you.

Body language is key.

You want someone to ask you to dance? Follow these 5 simple rules.

1. Place yourself near the dance floor. Just off to the side of the high traffic area is ideal. Remember the 3 keys to success to any good business, location, location location!

2. Smile, stay relaxed, don't cross your arms or hug yourself and make eye contact with leaders on and off the floor. This shows you as being friendly and approachable. As a man let me tell you we are often stupid when it comes to what a woman wants and easily intimidated. Help us out. Make it obvious you would like to be approached.

3. Tap your feet and sway or bounce in time with the music. If you look like you really want to dance we are much more likely to ask you.

4. Don't turn down offers to dance if at all possible. As clueless as us guys often are we always notice when other guys get shot down. It is part of the Alpha Male pack leader instinct, we are always aware of how other guys are doing with the chicks. If you turn down one guy you are less likely to be asked to dance. If you turn down multiple guys, you can expect to be seen as "out of our league". Does this make sense? Not from your POV, but from ours yes. If the song is too fast, or a style you don't dance, communicate this to the gentleman asking for the dance. Ask for another song. If you have a specific style you dance, ask him for the next song of that style. Look him in the eye, smile, and touch his hand, arm, or shoulder when you ask. This shows us you are sincere, and truely wish to dance the next [insert dance here] with us.

5. Flirt. Do I really need to explain this one? We are pretty simple. If you can attract our attention we are much more likely to remember you over all the other follows and ask you not just once but several times in a night. Now there are lots of levels of flirting... Making and maintaining eye contact is number one. Touch yourself, your body, your face, your hair. Laught, it doesn't really matter at what just laugh. Compliment us. Find some excuse to start a conversation and then compliment us... complimenting us on our dancing is ridiculously obvious you say? Did I mention men are simple? Flattery truely will get you everywhere. Touching us repeatedly or for a breath or two is sure fire, but... unless you are a practiced flirt, this one can backfire, and end up with a guy thinking you are interested in him rather than interested in dancing. Not recommended for beginners.

There you go, five easy steps for getting men to ask you to dance. Try it. If you don't get immediate results we'll give you a full refund. :lol:

I agree. The way to get someone to ask you to dance (if you're not inclined to ask them yourself) is to look like you want to dance. Bop around, right at the edge of the floor. DO NOT sit down and look involved in conversation. And do not hang out with a bunch of girl or guy friends. Dance, even if by yourself, right at the edge of the dance floor. And when you do start dancing on the floor with a partner, look like you're having fun. Relax, laugh and dance. Then, refuse to leave the floor. That little crush of people exiting the floor is a great place to find a partner for your next dance.

Works for me. :lol:

You all really hit the nail on the head . . not sitting down, body language, and the five things that Damon wrote.

Jenn, I wonder if this need to copied over to the "Begginner's Forum?"

I will post it over in the beginner's forum, especially since these things are VERY hard to do when you're new and lacking confidence in your own skills as a dancer. Ironically, the minute you get up and start dancing, the fear diminishes.

Yep , as long as you stay up and ready to go . . . an if nobody grabs you right away, start reaching for those guys coming off the floor!!!

That's what every female that I know does. They want to dance . . . NOW!

Ok, just for the record I want to state what I've found in all the different places I've been for social dancing. Some of our monthly dances there are more women than men, so if you don't get out there and grab someone right off the dance floor, you get to sit around. Believe me, I've been there many times when I was a new dancer and kept asking why didn't anyone ask me to dance. I wasn't used to asking men to dance. Now I do. At a monthly dance where the ratio is more even, then I get asked to dance a lot. At our group class, I get asked to dance plently because the men in my class know that no matter what the level of dance they are, I will dance with them, even beginners. When we go to a dance convention, I try to make it to at least a few dance classes because they rotate the couples and it gives me a chance to meet the men and then they are not so intimidated to ask you to dance later. And finally I've seen some dancers that don't ask anyone to dance unless they are in their "group" of friends. I see that a lot too.

dancergal said:

Ok, just for the record I want to state what I've found in all the different places I've been for social dancing. Some of our monthly dances there are more women than men, so if you don't get out there and grab someone right off the dance floor, you get to sit around.

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At most places that I've been to, the women out number the men, so what you say is so true if you are female and want to dance. Just grab those men as they come off the floor. A lot of times, for us men, I found it easy to escort the woman (which you should always do) back to the edge of the dance floor or to her seat if you are not dancing again, and then ask the the nearest lady to you to dance if you are! This is not going to be your soul-mate gutys . . . it's a dance partner! Don't be picky! Be a man!

dancergal said:

When we go to a dance convention, I try to make it to at least a few dance classes because they rotate the couples and it gives me a chance to meet the men and then they are not so intimidated to ask you to dance later.

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I do this a lot too. I've found out that it certainly is an ice-breaker. They always remember you, and now the "hard part of asking" is gone!

d nice said:

Body language is key.
[5. Flirt. Do I really need to explain this one? We are pretty simple. If you can attract our attention we are much more likely to remember you over all the other follows and ask you not just once but several times in a night. Now there are lots of levels of flirting... Making and maintaining eye contact is number one. Touch yourself, your body, your face, your hair. .

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d nice, I just went back and re-read your post more carefully. Where in the world did you learn this? This is like irresistable vixen rule #1. But, as you said, it is high potency stuff. It works, not just in dancing. The thing is, touch is very powerful, so use it sparingly, unless you want the guy to get the wrong impression. A few times during a dance is plenty, and no place too blatantly sexy, on you or on him. Arms work, or hands, or your own hair. Mmm mm mm. That's it! :lol: I'm not sharing any more of my secrets. Let's just say that this works. :lol: :lol:

Yes, yes, yes, Jenn, and don't forget those ever-important eyes . . . the windows to the soul! They never lie, and they can say so much!

The flirting is also a two-way street!

You want to be especially careful not to flirt with someone you're not crazy about dancing with. You could end up with someone that grabs your hand every time he sees you free.

Remember the context, getting a gentleman to ask a lady to dance.