How would you handle this?

Beetlebug

Beetlebug

New Member
I'm having a bit of a problem with one of the men at my studio. He's an older man that has been making me uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to approach this. I can handle some harmless flirting, but this is a little different...it feels almost stalkerish.

At a practice party last week he asked if I was competing in the comp that weekend. He said he was going to come watch me. No big deal. Then he said he was going to get my schedule and watch me all day and he hoped that didn't make me nervous. He kept saying things like that...that he was going to find out when I would be dancing and he would be watching me the entire day. He kept asking me to dance over and over and over at the party, and I felt rude telling him no. When we were dancing he would purposefully pull my body close to his and press against me, although we had just had a group class where the instructor stressed that the men were not to do this...that the woman was the one who would determine how close she wanted to dance with you.

He came to the competition that weekend and talked to me several times. He said, "I saw you over there looking at the dresses....I mean, not that I have been watching you the whole time or anything, but I saw you over there." When the photos from the smooth dances were ready on a table across the room, he came over and told me mine were ready. He said, "I looked at all your photos and they are all beautiful...I left you a few to choose from, but I bought a bunch of them. You just look so good in them, etc, etc. " I think he was joking...I hope so anyway because I would be pissed if he bought my photos before I had a chance to look at them.

He kept doing things like this all day...it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I know when someone is simply flirting with me, but my gut instinct is that something is creepy here.

Do I just ignore him and take it as a compliment, or if he's making me uncomfortable in the studio do I talk to the owner about it? I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I know what my feeling is on this...I feel like he going a little too far with it. There are more things he has said to me, like about seeing me in my comp rhythm dresses in the studio when I was doing a rehearsal, etc. but none of it sounds really bad by itself. It's really just the fact that it's been so much in only a few days.

Maybe I just needed to vent about this, so thank you for listening. However, any advice anyone has would be appreciated.
 
Hmm... first of all I don't feel you're being overdramatic. I used to work at a professional theater group and we had to know how to handle some "fans" that would get a little too close. What we were told was to treat them like everybody else. Don't get too close but don't automatically run away when you see them because it might make it worse. Say hi then go on to your other friends at the studio. You don't have to dance with him if he creeps you out. If he starts getting really creepy then yes tell someone. Honestly, better safe then sorry.


A little story about something that happened to me in theater: There was a guy who had a crush on me and I knew it. I was very open with him that we were friends only. Well, he started really being persistant about it and I just started really avoiding him on purpose. One night when I went out to my car he was there. He quized me on why i had avoided him and scared me quite badly. I then told my director and she didn't end up doing anything but at least she knew about it. I also started walking out with a guy friend of mine.

My theory better safe then sorry.
 
Beetlebug said:
I' He kept asking me to dance over and over and over at the party, and I felt rude telling him no. When we were dancing he would purposefully pull my body close to his and press against me,
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This is where rules for being "polite" at social dances end. NO ONE is going to say you're being rude if you decline dances with someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don't feel obligated - he is acting inappropriately, and HE is in the wrong. Go ahead and avoid dancing with him...

I would politely say, "no, thank you" whenever he asked me, EVERY time he asked me, until he got the hint. He probably KNOWS what he's doing is inappropriate, and he's not going to stop taking advantage of your politeness until you make him. On the off chance he doesn't know (I doubt it), it will make him think about what he's doing to drive you (and probably other girls) away.


Beetlebug said:
Do I just ignore him and take it as a compliment, or if he's making me uncomfortable in the studio do I talk to the owner about it?
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YES. Tell your studio owner.

This is really inappropriate. You shouldn't have to worry about this kind of behavior in a dance studio; the owner should deal with it, or at the very least help you deal with it.
 
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to talk to the owner, or at least to your instructor. You might also consider not accepting any more dances from him.
 
Tell him to knock it off. You are by no means obligated to suffer his advances, regardless of how "innocent" they may seem out of context. Unfortunately, I think many women have been socialised to be "polite" instead of safe, and are therefore hesitant to say "no," even when they feel uncomfortable, or worse, threatened.

I'm terrible at confrontations, so I know that this is easier said than done, but I suggest that you firmly tell him that you do not appreciate his persistent attentions. If he did buy your photos before you could see them, and you couldn't buy duplicates, I'd say to chew him out for that, too.

If bringing it up yourself is too tough, just do what I do: say something REALLY snarky and dismissive EVERY time he so much as addresses you. ;)

Hope things remedy themselves soon! It's really frustrating when our pleasures are tainted with frustrations like this one.
 
you aren't even close to being over dramatic...he is over the line and you need to make the owner awre even if it is just for them to keep an eye out for their own protection b/c frankly he could end up devoting the same sorts of interests with others and it would be good if they had as much to go on as possible if they have to talk with him...lots of dudes like this count on young women to be submissive...I would definately send him some discreet chill vibes and would also, the next time he takes you in that closely to dance push back very hard on his chest and inform him that I save that sort of contact for men with whom I have an entirely different sort of relationship
 
Beetlebug said:
I'm having a bit of a problem with one of the men at my studio. He's an older man that has been making me uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to approach this. I can handle some harmless flirting, but this is a little different...it feels almost stalkerish.

At a practice party last week he asked if I was competing in the comp that weekend. He said he was going to come watch me. No big deal. Then he said he was going to get my schedule and watch me all day and he hoped that didn't make me nervous. He kept saying things like that...that he was going to find out when I would be dancing and he would be watching me the entire day. He kept asking me to dance over and over and over at the party, and I felt rude telling him no. When we were dancing he would purposefully pull my body close to his and press against me, although we had just had a group class where the instructor stressed that the men were not to do this...that the woman was the one who would determine how close she wanted to dance with you.

He came to the competition that weekend and talked to me several times. He said, "I saw you over there looking at the dresses....I mean, not that I have been watching you the whole time or anything, but I saw you over there." When the photos from the smooth dances were ready on a table across the room, he came over and told me mine were ready. He said, "I looked at all your photos and they are all beautiful...I left you a few to choose from, but I bought a bunch of them. You just look so good in them, etc, etc. " I think he was joking...I hope so anyway because I would be pissed if he bought my photos before I had a chance to look at them.

He kept doing things like this all day...it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I know when someone is simply flirting with me, but my gut instinct is that something is creepy here.

Do I just ignore him and take it as a compliment, or if he's making me uncomfortable in the studio do I talk to the owner about it? I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I know what my feeling is on this...I feel like he going a little too far with it. There are more things he has said to me, like about seeing me in my comp rhythm dresses in the studio when I was doing a rehearsal, etc. but none of it sounds really bad by itself. It's really just the fact that it's been so much in only a few days.

Maybe I just needed to vent about this, so thank you for listening. However, any advice anyone has would be appreciated.
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As a male who dances a lot socially, I would say you are definitely not overreacting or being melodramatic. I see the dance venue as being a "Safe" environment to be in, male or female. You should not have to feel uncomfortable or threatened in any way!!
Your studio owner and/or intructor needs to be made aware of the situation and may be able to help resolve it. If you are comfortable speaking openly with this person okay, but it sounds like it may be beyond that.
It is very easy to become attracted to someone we dance with, but we also need to know where to draw the line.
Don't compromise yourself because of someone else's improprieties.
 
Go with your gut. You have a right to feel comfortable and safe, otherwise the dancing becomes far less enjoyable, which really isn't fair to you. I'd let someone else know, (whether it is your instructor, studio owner or both) about his attention and how uncomfortable he makes you feel. Also, politely but firmly make sure to let him know that you don't appreciate his attentions.
 
Ditto what others wrote. You are in the clear and he is pushing the limits of propriety.

I'm reading your post somewhat literally as to the sequence of events. It seems to me that he has always given you notice as to what his next action is going to be, and then perhaps taken the liberty of going one step beyond that.

For eg - He made conversation - a lot. He observed that you continued being polite, and indulged him. He asked you to dance often - and you indulged him. He pulled you closer - did you pull away (it's not clear from your post), or did you allow that out of politeness?

He told you that he was going to watch almost all of your dances - and you didn't express discomfort (and perhaps, through silence, offered him permission).

He apparently bought pictures of you without your permission - and apparently, your pictures were on sale to strangers. He did tell you that he bought those - it was not a secret act.

What I see is an overzealous man with a crush - and perhaps gross ignorance of the basics of courtship. I don't see a creep or a stalker. IMO, he is not a creep, because he has shown no indication whatsoever that he will refuse to back-off after receiving a request from you to do so (perhaps because no such request was made). And he is not a stalker because he has not done anything in secret, neither has he acted against your express wish.

Despite this reasoning, I find his behaviour somewhat disturbing. Perhaps it is time to let him know that any interaction at all with you is unwelcome. If he doesn't back off, then go to the authorities (manager, cops etc).
 
+1. This guy is out of line and the picture stuff sounds borderline stalkerish to me. However, it may be that he has very poor social skills. Not that that's an excuse for his behavior.
 
You sound like you are not being over dramatic. If you are not feeling safe you should tell the studio owner and your instructor. I am sure they would want to know if a student is not feeling safe in the studio environment. Most studio owners would know how to handle this situation discreetly. It does sound like he is a little to in your face for comfort. Hang out with others in the studio that you feel comfortable being with. If you feel brave enough, tell him that you are not comfortable with he behavior towards you. You can have the studio owner be there with you when you tell him. Listen to you gut feeling (intuition) and respond to what the intuiting tell you. Do not react...respond.

All the best.... remember you are special and nobody should treat you in a way you don't want to be treated... speak up..
 
While I sort of agree with quixotedlm in that, if he's a stalker, he's one who gives a weird amount of warning, I disagree that it's not creepy. I would be extremely creeped out and would already have told the owners where I dance--it helps they're my teaching pros, so I would feel very comfortable going to them with a problem like that, but even if they weren't after the photo part of your story I would be feeling sufficiently weirded out to talk to them regardless. There's social ineptitude, and there's flat-out weirdness. Buying your pictures is weird.
 
Ditto fasc's advice. Poor guy's smitten and out of control -- time to set some boundaries. It's as simple as, "Dude, this really makes me uncomfortable. Ya gotta stop..."

And mean it. Good lesson for the chica when this comes up. It happens, and certainly is in no way a dance thing.
 
As an "older man" myself, I would have to say that this guy is way out of line. Anything more than a fleeting comment about a womans dress is creepy, but the picture thing is too much and the close contact is entirely unacceptable. Your studio owner NEEDS to know about this and you NEED someone else to know about it.
 
In addition to the good advice you are getting here, I sometimes - in this type of situation - will ask girl or guy friends at the studio to help run interference for me.
 
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