What to do...

TemptressToo

TemptressToo

Member
OK, here's the situation. There is a guy I met dancing who is a phenomenal dancer. I positively love dancing with him because he's a lot of fun. The thing is, I think that he's developed feelings for me (ok, I know it). We dance together a good deal and we definitely have chemistry (for me friendly attraction...for him something more). He's a sweet guy as well who's fascinated with me because I'm the most diversified, intelligent female he's ever met. He makes comments like, "what can't you do?" Mostly because I'm well read, have traveled quite a bit, and I dance, swim, horseback ride, show dogs, model, figure skate, snow ski, study history, twirl rifle, have a sense of humor, and......I can honestly say that I've NEVER met a girl quite like me. Pretty much the original deal (not trying to be conceited here girls and guys...but I kind of noticed I was different in high school when most girls are worried about fashion, boys, hair and makeup...I was more entranced with my books studying the Holocaust and the Russian Royal Family...or maybe it was my long solitary walks through the woods playing with turtles, snakes and toads...or...or my refusal to fraternize with my classmates at parties in the such because I was preparing for college or the fact that I habitually dumped boyfriends for a lack of brain matter or the fact that I was a virgin until age 22--nobody was quite good enough).

The trick is...my heart belongs to another. My boyfriend of six years (a non-dancer) and my soul mate. This dance friend of mine knows this and doesn't seem to care. He continues to admire me and is quite affectionate (not to the point yet that I'm uncomfortable).

My concern is...do you think this will wear off without ruining our friendship/dancing in the process? Will he get over it? Should I bring out my dark side (the judgemental bitchy side) and perhaps turn him off? Should I just ignore this or should I bring it right out in the open? I don't want to hurt him...all the same...I just don't know what to do...

Hopefully, it is just the novelty of meeting me and it will wear off and we'll go on as good friends.

Help me please...what would you do AND/OR...if you are attracted to a dance partner but are perhaps married or seriously committed...how do/did you handle it?
 
TemptressToo,

I have not been in that situation so i can only say that i feel it will wear off. I would talk more about my boyfriend to him, in casual conversation that he can realize that your heart belongs to someone else. You can also say that you like to dance with him and that he is a good dancer, thereby stressing the fact that you like to dance with him and that is the end of the story. no feelings involved from your side.

Good luck and happy dancing
 
for your sake i hope it works out well, but i think you should be prepared for the possiblity that he'll move on because it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

you want to retain him as a dance partner even though he may be dancing with you a lot solely because he's interested in you romantiically. if he is that attracted to you & you can't reciprocate, he may find it difficult to spend much time with you & even if he does say "ok - let's be friends" he could be lying & just hoping to break you down. if he's a phenomenal dancer he certainly won't be hurting for partners & i submit that he has as much right as you to choose with whom to dance and if he wants to use dance as a way of finding his potential soul mate that's his choice. it's certainly not fair to him to act in a way that gives him hope if that's the only thing keeping him around as a frequent partner. his situation may not be quite the same as mine but i know what it might feel like, having been given phone #'s & emails at dances from women who act like they're interested in me & i end up feeling somewhat used having expected something more when these women turn out to be married (and took off their rings at the dance) but still want me to be their dance partner because their husbands don't dance... pass.
 
The thing is...I've not attempted to give him any ideas at all. I just simply have treated him like I treat all dance partners. I have fun dancing...no matter who I am with.

Now if I was really begging for the attention...or leading him on in some way...I could understand the chastisement. However, I'm just being me...

Why do you say 'have your cake and eat it too?' I simply want to develop a friendship. I'm just afraid that he'll take my desire to be friends the wrong way. To me, it feels like I'm dancing on shaky and dangerous grounds. He's by far my favorite dance partner (one of many people I dance with)...there has to be a way to handle this delicate situation that is win/win for all.

You'd have to know me before making a judgement call like what you seem to be saying. I'm an independent Yankee woman used to telling it how it is...I'm also quite outgoing and bubbly...I've never indicated anything different and talk about my boyfriend all of the time.

It is just kind of awkward. I hope things work out...
 
Hey TT,

I think there's little that you can do if he doesn't bring it up himself--tell you how he feels, in which case you can have the Talk. You could, I guess, bring it up independently, "I've, uh, noticed that," etc. But that could seriously backfire--he could just shrug and deny it, leaving you looking foolish and maybe feeling bad ("Could I have been wrong?"), or, if he's trying to deal with it on his own, it could make him feel mortified and unable to cope. Either way, you could be out one partner and friend.

I don't agree that you want to have your cake and eat it too--there's not a thing wrong with wanting to have a relationship with someone as a dance partner and even close friend without having it turn romantic. One of my former teachers (the one whose dog I'm training, BTW) has had exactly this issue with her former pro partner--in that case, she's had the Talk at least three times to no avail, and it's too bad because they dance so well together. But anyone who knows her knows that he is so not her type.

On the other hand, as long as it's not getting to the point where the feelings make you uncomfortable, there's nothing wrong with just letting things go on in, as it were, a state of nature. Performance chemistry is a powerful thing, and why should either of you deprive yourselves of the right to feel it? Let the flirtation and the dancing continue as long as it's working.

If you don't return his feelings, he will definitely find someone else--it's simply a question of whether you want him to turn his back on you as a partner and a friend when he does. If you enjoy your time together, and don't lead him on but don't change your natural behavior either, he'll be able to break off with you romantically without spoiling everything else.

My dear Abby moment for this week. Best of luck to you!

G
 
TemptressToo said:
Help me please...what would you do AND/OR...if you are attracted to a dance partner but are perhaps married or seriously committed...how do/did you handle it?
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As you describe the situation, this isn't under your control, and the only thing you can do to help is be honest with him. It's really about him and how he chooses to act.

I've been in similar situations a number of times and am in one now - very attracted to one dance partner who's got a non-dancing SO. She made that clear several years ago, I'm OK with that, we continue to talk and dance together and share an occasional hug.

That we can't have everything we want from someone else doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy what we can have.
 
jon said:
That we can't have everything we want from someone else doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy what we can have.
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I totally agree!

Id try not to let it bother me. Unless he tries to make a move on you, Id continue treating him as just another friend. He will most likely get bored of waiting for you!
 
TemptressToo said:
The thing is...I've not attempted to give him any ideas at all. I just simply have treated him like I treat all dance partners. I have fun dancing...no matter who I am with.

Now if I was really begging for the attention...or leading him on in some way...I could understand the chastisement. However, I'm just being me...

Why do you say 'have your cake and eat it too?' I simply want to develop a friendship. I'm just afraid that he'll take my desire to be friends the wrong way. To me, it feels like I'm dancing on shaky and dangerous grounds. He's by far my favorite dance partner (one of many people I dance with)...there has to be a way to handle this delicate situation that is win/win for all.

You'd have to know me before making a judgement call like what you seem to be saying. I'm an independent Yankee woman used to telling it how it is...I'm also quite outgoing and bubbly...I've never indicated anything different and talk about my boyfriend all of the time.

It is just kind of awkward. I hope things work out...
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ok. i apologize for the words and/or tone that made you feel like i was proecting something onto you that you do not feel to be appropriate.
let me try again. while it would be sad if his feelings kept him from being able to continue dancing with you, i do think you may need to initiate the necessary conversation if you continue to feel uncomfortable. should you decide to broach the subject with him, i hope it goes well.
 
Hi TT,

While I haven't had this happen in a dance environment, I did have a female friend once who expressed interest in me when I did not wish to be more than friends. It wasn't a big deal at first, but she continued to do what your dance partner does...continually trying to get me to reconsider, and it went on for YEARS.

I did my best to be her friend, but eventually I had to avoid her because she was so focused on getting me to date her. She was a great person, loved her as a friend but that's all it ever could have been for me. She didn't see things that way...and I realized the more I was around her, the more would try and get me to be her guy.

I've been in her shoes and know what its like to really fall for someone, but if someone tells me no once that's all I need to hear. However, I will be honest in saying that I've had to end friendships with women due to this...it can be really tough to be around someone that you have deep romantic feelings for and know that you will never be able to take things a step further.

Some people have large personal boundaries...but I keep mine very clear with people and I do respect those of others as well.

I've seen countless people get mixed up in odd love triangles...they may have their main partner, but they will be getting emotional (and or physical) support from their "close friend"...one who may wait patiently for their relationship to end so they can move in...not good IMHO. I'm certainly not saying that you are doing this...but if this friend of yours is trying to get emotional/physical support from you to no avail...cutting him off may be the only way to get him to stop.

This is a really tough call for you, but I think everyone has touched on a similiar point...if you don't do something about the situation it may stay the same or get worse. Sometimes it best to tell someone the truth and set them free...because although you are being totally honest and seeing only a friend...playing the devil's advocate you could be getting his hopes up without realizing it. This is what I had done with my friend, and once I realized that I had to avoid her for both of our sakes.

Wasn't the easiest decision to make...decisions like this never are. :(

Best of luck,

SG
 
Simple solution... leave them both, and come visit me ;)

Seriously though, not much you can do other than be honest and let him take it from there. If he likes dancing with you because you're fun to dance with, then great, you can both have fun dancing, if he only dances with you because he's attracted to you, enjoy it while it lasts. :)
 
Temptress too,

I believe you must tell him honestly that you appreciate his interest in you, but I have someone in my life and all I can offer you is friendship. I realize most women don't like to be direct like this and you do enjoy the chemistry that you have on the dance floor..however, men & women are wired different!

As a woman, you can keep your chemistry on a platonic level. However, most men can not keep that kind of chemistry on a platonic level. There are three options for most men. The man moves forward hoping you're interested, moves on if you're not interested, or hangs around hoping you will change your mind.

I lived third option for several years ago. However, the woman I was interested in was single..but I finally realized she was never going to be romantically involved with me. It was one of the most painful lessons I had to learn in my life.

I had met her a nightclub and we became dancing partners. We enjoyed dancing with each other and naturally I was attracted to her. We spend a lot time together and was very affectionate with each other. After while, I decided to pursue a relationship but she never could commit to me but she enjoyed my company and said we had a special friendship. Because of my hoping and wishing, I made the decision to stick with it just in case things changed.

Unfortunately, seven years later..nothing changed. Finally, I decided to move on and let go. It was hard because we had great chemistry in lot of areas but not enough to have a relationship. I believe if I would have known from the beginning that I was only going to be her friend...things would have been a lot easier.

I don't blame her! It was a lesson I needed to learn and she was the person who came into my life to teach me that lesson. And maybe you are doing that for your friend. But I honestly believe you have to let me him know what your interest level in him is and make sure he respects that boundary. You may lose him from your dancing life..but short term pain is a lot better than broken heart. Good Luck Temptress too and I hope you make the right decision.
 
mhgroove said:
As a woman, you can keep your chemistry on a platonic level. However, most men can not keep that kind of chemistry on a platonic level. There are three options for most men. The man moves forward hoping you're interested, moves on if you're not interested, or hangs around hoping you will change your mind.
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I'm don't think this is 100% gender specific-- I know of lots of instances where the opposite is true.


Wow, Temptress, you're pretty wonderful-- but you don't need me to tell you that! ;)

Something that hasn't been suggested yet that you may want to try is to become more of a guyfriend (of sorts) to him-- help him find a girlfriend of his own... talk about win/win! The fact that you're pointing him towards others makes it fairly clear that you don't think his amirous feelings should be towards you. It can be fun and it may help him start considering others and if things go really well you two could become much closer platonic friends in the process.
 
Swing Kitten said:
Something that hasn't been suggested yet that you may want to try is to become more of a guyfriend (of sorts) to him-- help him find a girlfriend of his own... talk about win/win! The fact that you're pointing him towards others makes it fairly clear that you don't think his amirous feelings should be towards you. It can be fun and it may help him start considering others and if things go really well you two could become much closer platonic friends in the process.
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I've always felt that an ancillary benefit of getting to dance with beautiful partners should be the opportunity to be introduced to their friends. I've put my own teacher to work on that one, only the last time I asked about someone, she told me as delicately as possible, "Well, she may be a little too socially and spiritually conservative for you!"

I practically fell over laughing--even more so because of how diplomatic she was trying to be. Since then, I've never missed an opportunity to ask her, "So, you find anyone who's sufficiently shallow for me spiritually yet?" :lol:
 
Swing Kitten said:
mhgroove said:
I'm don't think this is 100% gender specific-- I know of lots of instances where the opposite is true

Swing Kitten, nothing is ever 100% specific..but through my experiences most men fit into those three options. We can deny it all we want...but men and women are wired different! Women are able to handle chemistry and sexual attraction on a different level than men. Most men, unless they are homosexual, want to act upon their feelings towards a woman. I just wanted to tell Temptress Too it's okay to tell a man that you appreciate his interest..but I'm involved with someone else. I know most women don't like to be direct...but most men need a direct answer so they know where they stand. Now if he continues on after the woman tells him of the situation..then it's his fault and he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. What a lot of women don't realize is that by not saying anything or hinting at that their non-interest makes men continue blindly on their quest to go after a woman that's not interested in them.

It's not an easy decision and I bet that Temptress Too does enjoy his company and having him as a dance partner. But..as long as he is attracted to her..he will try everything he can think of...to get with her. Temptress Too can tell him up-front about her situation and then the man will have to make his decision. I know it doesn't sound right or fair..but human nature takes over and right or fair goes out the window!
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mhgroove.

I used to know someone who operated his entire life via his "three option rule." At the time, I thought he was short-sighted and pretty stupid. Now I realize he was just a man. *shrug*


That said, in my view, there are a lot more than three ways to deal with almost anything... if you look.

My view is that

1) three options are the easy way out in a life as ambiguous as ours

2) Relationships aren't easy, no matter how you look at them. It's always worth a conversation to clarify things.

3) Salvage your pride, if you can, but not at the expense of love. Love is worth a heck of a lot more than pride. :wink: :D
 
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