What do you consider when requesting someone as a dance partner ?

I have a couple of dance partner request from people who are waaay older than myself and waaay less experienced.

Put it this way, I am currently training to dance open competition at national championship with my partner and I have had requests for partnership from people older than my dad who never take a lesson or class in his life (he just learn off the floor) and many many request from bronze medallist.

My current partner is a lot older than myself but he is the greatest dancer ever (to me) so it is not a matter of age. I am lucky to have him.

Before starting the partnership I was very apprehensive of asking him because I felt that he was a lot better than myself.

I normally try to judge if we will be a good fit and I am generally very reluctant to approach dancers who are a lot better than myself.

However, this does not seem to be the case with most people.

Some are quite persistent in pursuing the partnership too.

What do you think of this ?

Firmly decline the people who don't take lessons, try to help the medallist grow and find someone to compete with at his present level, appreciate the partner you do have.

If you already have a partner for competitions, then you just decline the other requests with this as the reason. Even if someone has been taking lessons, it doesn't matter unless they meet your criteria for a competition partner. I've seen people who have taken weekly lessons for 10 years, and still dance pretty much the same level they did 9 years ago.

dancingirldancing said:

Put it this way, I am currently training to dance open competition at national championship with my partner and I have had requests for partnership from people older than my dad who never take a lesson or class in his life (he just learn off the floor) and many many request from bronze medallist.

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Do you mean that some people are requesting you and your partner to break up and dance with them instead?

There are two questions here: what you look for in a partner and how you should respond to a request from someone you're not enthused with.

Regarding what I look for a partner in general, the main thing I look for is work ethic, but I'm still competing in bronze (though hoping to point out in the next few months). A strong drive is the single most important thing when someone's starting out and a dedicated dancer can reach decent bronze levels in a few months if they're willing to work their [donkey!] off. That also means they need to be willing to practice and take private lessons on their own. At higher bronze levels and above, ability, training, and previous rates of progress become much more significant. Also to be considered is how well you two get along; there's not partnership worth the feeling of wanting to stab one another in the eyes after every practice session.

In your particular situation, I'd tell the man you're flattered but you already have a partner. Do encourage him to take classes and if you're willing, offer to help him find someone else once he's had a bit more competition training. Don't suggest that you would partner with him if you didn't have your current partner - that's about as productive as saying you'd date someone if you didn't have a boyfriend - but stay on good terms with him anyway; the dance community is a surprisingly small one at times.

sigurd said:

Do you mean that some people are requesting you and your partner to break up and dance with them instead?

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Ditto. I'm confused--if they're asking you to split with your partner and compete with them, that's the only reason you need to say no. It's rude to try and break up a partnership.

If you're asking in general about asking to partner someone 'better' than you, then I'd say, setting aside appropriateness (like asking someone who already has a partner, who has not given any indication they're looking to end that partnership) "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." It doesn't hurt to ask. The worst they can do is say no.

danceronice said:

Ditto. I'm confused--if they're asking you to split with your partner and compete with them, that's the only reason you need to say no. It's rude to try and break up a partnership.

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This is what exactly on my mind earlier. I did see this happen before, but it is between people who are in a relationship, ie a husband asks his wife to break up with her dance partner to dance with him, or vice versa.

Personally, I am too scared to ask anyone directly if they want to dance with me, not to mention someone who is a much better dancer than me. In the past, I practice alone in places where people usually dance witha partner, tell everybody that I would like to find a partner, and someone shows up! Of course, I waited for a very long time, so this is NOT a good way.

I would consider asking someone to dance and train with me only if the other side is quite vocal that she is looking for a partner with abilities match mine, and it is clear that we both have something to gain and learn (say about same level). Sometime it is hard to tell until you dance with that person.

Okay my original question is not whether I should break up with my partner or not.

It is how do you choose who you are going to ask as a partner !

It seems like most people except for myself tend to try asking the BEST dancer in the studio/social rather than someone of comparable ability.

When I was gathering the nerve to ask my current partner (man that was hard) it took me 4 weeks of dancing social regularly with him and knowing that we both enjoys it to actually ask. The first few social went like this:

Him: Do you want to dance with me tonight ?
Me: Yes if you want to.
Him: But do you ? Which dances ?
Me: Yes up to you
Him: Do you really want to ? Tell me if you dont.
Me: Do you ?

It was really dumb as both of us think that the other does not really want to dance with the other when in fact we want to dance together all night long and we did !

It gave me headache all day long and instant stuttering problem when I ask if he would like to practice together with me. This is not even getting to the partnership q yet.

It went like this:
Me: Hey btw if you have time and if you want to maybe we ....uhm ....can you know....practice together ... sometimes .....maybe ?
Him: Really
Me: Yes (then really quickly) butifyoudontwanttoyoudonthaveto
Him: Oooo
Me: Doyou ?
Him: Yes

Mind you we are both of very comparable ability. It was just soooooo hard !

So I am amazed that a complete newbie can just keep on insisting on a partnership with a well trained competitor just like that. I so need that nerve desperately !

It was awesome !

Well, again, nothing ventured, nothing gained! They see you're good, they want to be good (or think they are, who knows), so they figure they have nothing to lose by asking you.

And really, I think that the way you did it sort of makes sense--you got know him (is it normal to reserve which dances you're going to dance in advance at your socials? Where I dance we usually just ask right before the song starts, unless you ask someone "Save me a cha cha later, okay?") and then you asked to practice with him.

Though just personally, I'd find the "uh..uh...uh..." stammering off-putting and would take or prefer the direct "Say, would you like to practice together?" so I could get or say a simple yes or no.

I would ask someone to practice if they were someone I knew from my studio, that I know knew the routines, that I got along with, and wasn't TOO far advanced beyond me (just because I'd think they would get frustrated--but if it was just practice, even then I might ask.) I wouldn't ask about competing until after I'd been practicing with them for a while, and then I'd again want to be direct about it. The worst they could do is say no.

I too tend to prefer a more direct approach (most of the time).

I was in taking a class with Michael and Johanna. they were teaching and playing around a bit. johanna was showing something. Michaels goes up to her and says "Very nice...what's you're name." That's gotta be the best way to do it.

dancingirldancing said:

It seems like most people except for myself tend to try asking the BEST dancer in the studio/social rather than someone of comparable ability.

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I guess ignorance is a bliss. I hate to say this because it sounds rude. Sometime it is not about the actual ability, but how you preceive yourself. About a year after I had started my first lesson on dancing, I was so full of myself given that I remember every step the teacher taught me. Of course, my self-esteem was crushed when I realised there is something called "technique". Before that, all I know is steps and I memorized them all. Weren't I the best dancer on the floor?

Now I find it very intimidating to ask somebody much better than me to form a partnership. It is not about courage to ask, but I don't see the point of dancing with them. Many advanced dancers are nice to me, but we were competiting in a different catagory. For me to improve enough to competite in theirs, is a lot of commitment in my time and energy. The expectation is so high and I prefer not to do so (unless I won a lottery and can quite my job). Someone slightly better will work, but not a large gap in experience and level.

dancingirldancing said:

So I am amazed that a complete newbie can just keep on insisting on a partnership with a well trained competitor just like that. I so need that nerve desperately

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I actually want to know what is a good way to turn them down without discourage them on dancing. I only did it once. I have experienced once a lady asked me to partner up with her. I told her we can have a try out. It went so bad. It was the conversation afterward.

Me: You don't mind me asking, how long have you been doing standard?
Her: I was just taking classes last year, but then I stopped. I just came back last month.
Me: I see. So what level are you taking? Silver? Gold?
Her: I don't know. They have a class called "social" something
Me: I see. I would love to find someone to competite in the gold star level medalist comp in couple months. Apparently you need to finish the medal test to compete. Why don't you speak to the teacher whether you can get the medal between now and March and compete with me?
(* This is a lie, because I don't do medalist comp, and I don't have gold star medal.)

I was given some simple advice on this topic: recognize your strengths and only partner with a person who helps you grow yourself. Never settle.

If these men are significantly older than you, than I question whether they have the fitness to do rounds for a couple of hours. What about when you're at a competition where you've been dancing all day, the schedule is running late, and your final is at midnight?

I've had some great offers for partners (I dance pro/am), but the men doing the asking were not the right fit for me.

Piggles said:

I was given some simple advice on this topic: recognize your strengths and only partner with a person who helps you grow yourself. Never settle.

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This is stellar advice. However, it also depends on your goals and the available partners. If you just want to get some competition experience and have fun, there's nothing wrong with "settling", as long as you recognize you're not entering a serious, long-term partnership.

True enough, Ireniecat. There were lots of posts with very good info and I probably oversimplified my response a bit.

To share:

I thought it would kill me when I declined the opportunity to be a partner of a pro who would train me for free (!!!). But in the end, I'm so glad that I stuck to my guns because he really wasn't compatible with my dance goals.