I need some love.

I just feel like a big clumsy sack of blah out there on the floor. Learming this choreography hasn't been hard, but I'm not brilliant, either. I'm joyless... and I'm self-conscious, and I'm not loving myself or feeling confident. I don't know where my "talent" is, where my strengths lie, how to look beautiful when I move, and every time I try to approach my regular teacher and friend to ask for any kind of encouragement, I don't seem to get it. I feel like the lowest acheiver right now. I want to know what I'm good at, what I do right, what makes me "wowza". I've gotten tired and bogged down with negative energy in the ensemble, and I don't know if I'm picking up on the group vibe or if it's all me. My husband has been to some rehearsals and he's noticed an incredibly strong negative vibe in the room when this group is together: how can we progress and be the best we can be in an environment like that?

I wanted to make this SO badly. I wanted to be here so passionately... and now it feels like a pathetically deflating balloon. My hubby actually said he can't wait till this whole dance team thing is over. He's not happy i'm in it. Yet he knows the worst thing for me would be to quit it. I'm just craving some positivity. I may have to be the initiator... I may have to be the cheerleader. I just need SOME positive feedback on my dancing from someone who knows what they're doing (different than "Ican'tbelieveyoudancelikethatyoumustbelatinadoyouwanttogoforcoffeesometimei'mnnotusuallylikethisbutyoureallystruckmewhenifrstsawyou.")

Yeah. A real compliment I can take onto the floor with me and nurture into something bigger. I know I shouldn't hinge my feeling of ability and success on what other people say, but I'm floundering here. Fighting a lot of bad vibes.

Just thought I'd share. Thanks for reading.

thespina13 said:

I(different than "Ican'tbelieveyoudancelikethatyoumustbelatinadoyouwanttogoforcoffeesometimei'mnnotusuallylikethisbutyoureallystruckmewhenifrstsawyou.")

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:friend:

Try to take it more lightly thespina. I don't really know the details of these rehearsals you're doing, so I can't really give constructive advice. I did two performances for the dance center where I have been learning. The first time was just great. I loved the experience, even though I had just started 6 months earlier, so we weren't that great, but the people watching thought it was great. It was fun, great vibe in the group, etc.
The second time (a year later), I just hated it. I became better, I didn't like the choreography, didn't like the way the instructor did it, or in other word I wanted to have an input to the whole thing and that's not how the instructor wanted it (he wants to be the boss). And this was reflected on the overall vibe and it wasn't fun anymore.
So I think I won't participate this year if I am asked, cause it's not fun anymore, I want to have an input in something I will be doing. So for me I think it's best not to do it, since in the end it's the instructor thing, not mine.

Hi Gal-- From reading many ( all ? ) of your posts , one things pops into my mind. You seem to have derived your past pleasure in the " free " form of dance.

Perspectives change considerably , when you are placed in a more restrictive and less constructive/ self creative , environment .

Have taught numerous formation and show type stuff over the yrs, and invariably, the mood of the " cast " , is like Jekyll and Hyde, when placed into
a team situation .

The frustrations you are feeling , are quite normal. There is an automatic built in " I must not fail " response to what you are attempting to achieve .

The impending event, is always lurking in the background , challenging you to be better. the stress of that alone , can be enough to cause despair .

Here,s something to consider.

Do you think , for one second, you would have been chosen , if they did not think you would make it ? .

It's awfully hard to remain positive when there is a strong negative group energy. I'd imagine it stems from competitiveness (perhaps set up by the way Jayson organizes the group, what with everyone vying for his "prizes" and fearing being cut). Probably most people are feeling like you feel and over-compensating to hide it.

You seem to have set this experience up in your head as some kind of test or validation of your dancing talent (welcome to what we ballroomers go through around competing!). But that's not really being fair to yourself. As you've described it, the situation seems to have some serious flaws, so to let it define your dancing for yourself is like looking in a distorting mirror. What it reflects is a function of its defects.

I know how disappointing it is to look forward to something as a positive, meaningful experience and have it turn out not to be that. Hard as it may be to do, I think maybe you'd feel better about yourself if you let go of the fantasy that this group will be some kind of peak experience in your dancing life. I know you want it to be that, but it sounds like more of a mixed bag--some good and some bad. You may have to grieve the loss of that ideal a bit, but then perhaps you wouldn't be blaming yourself so much for its not being what you hoped it would be.

Maybe its purpose in your life right now is not really about your dancing. Maybe it's about learning to maintain your emotional independence from a negative group. Or even that this kind of performing is not something that gives you joy.

I'm so sorry this is turning into a disappointing experience for you. I hope you can lighten up on yourself and just say "&%@$ it! I'm just going to have fun in this performance, no matter what I look like or what anyone thinks."

thespina13 said:

I wanted to make this SO badly. I wanted ...

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For me, I'd just like to pick up on this one comment you made.

Maybe, that's your problem, you want it TOO MUCH. So perhaps you're just not relaxed about the whole thing?

Also, why look for validation outside yourself (from other people)? It's a hole that can't be filled. Love and validate yourself, wherever you find youself in life. Then love and help other people.

Maybe it'd be a good idea for the group to get together and go do some non-dance related activity, something fun, get to know each other and be relaxed in each others' company - away from the dance environment. Maybe this will help improve the group dynamics and energy of the group? It is a group thing after all.

Hey girl!

The fact you are feeling this frustration means you are a BONA FIDE TORTURED ARTIST! I'll write to the BFTAA and see whether they will send you a badge. You'll only get bronze level though, to go higher you need to go on a week-long bender of drugs and alcohol, or shoot your spouse, or similar.

For now, take solace in the fact you are a bona-fide tortured artist, and in the fact that all that frustration will eventually organise itself into a force of pure creativity!

Hmm... since you're craving external validation, would it feasible to take a private lesson, specifically requesting positive feedback (by letting the instructor know your situation)? It wouldn't even necessarily have to be with Jayson.

everything u need .. comes from within.. if u can but just let it .. free

Perhaps you need some really nicee social dances..? I know that helps me when I'm a little out of sorts.

**hugs**

Yup. You're all totally right.

In the end, I just feel drained and need to find some joy and celebration again. So it's at this point, when I feel least like being awake and partying, that I get the most out of casual social dancing. Just have to remember to party and have fun.

I'm mostly quite good at validating myself, of bolstering myself from the inside... I'm a mom after all, and our job is rather thankless. I've spent six or more years defining my own reality and my own standards, and in the last year to half a year, I've really become bigger inside and much more full of tenderness towards myself. I suppose in a new context I slip back into my old self-punishing habits and have to remember the TLC I give myself regularly.

So is there a charge for the services DFers provide? Is there a couch somewhere I can lay down on? You all are good. Oh, and sweavo, if you can, notify the BFTAA that I'll be holding the next meeting at our studio. I have a few new members. I know I'll earn the toaster oven with the number of recruits I have, for SURE. I've even cleared a space for it on my counter already!

Sagitta said:

Perhaps you need some really nicee social dances..? I know that helps me when I'm a little out of sorts.

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Yup. And I get to go early this time, too, so I get the dancers before they get all wobbly and sweaty and tired. Finally. Whee!

what you are going through is normal - bottom line is that your capacity to endure emotional lows also increases your capacity to enjoy the highs. however, don't let your emotions completely overwhelm you. learn to feel the lows and put in your dance, as well as the highs. use this opportunity to enhance your 'feeling'. anguish is no less a feeling than joy or love. some day you'll be the rock-solid finished product, but until then, every performer goes through this.

"Is not the flute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives ?" - Kahlil gibran

In essence, you are the piece of wood right now. You have to learn to enjoy the process of becoming the flute.

I might just print that and put it on my wall.

wood/flute thing was nice

hey - if you have worked with jayson molina, you can't be a kludge. last time i met him, he seemed like the kind of a guy with no patience for lack of aptitude. so if i had to take a flying guess, i think you're feelign down because running that extra mile always feels like death, and you are in that zone so just hang in there....

You know I've always said that the getting there was the toughest thing to do in any situation, but once you are there... then it's usually a blast! So, I'd say just hang in and have fun with it all! You got this far! Enjoy it until the end and think to yourself, "I'm doing something that I never thought possible". This is what I do, and I end up feeling proud of myself.