A Question of Focus & Wisdom ...

It was requested by my instructor to partner with my last competition partner for a performance to be given during Nat Ballroom Dance Week towards the end of September.

I agreed, Foxtrot and a piece of music was picked, and at this point I have had one lesson and one practice session with my partner where we went through the routine set up by the instructor two weeks ago. I have spent time practicing on my own, and evidently my partner has not. Last week we were suppose to meet for a lesson followed by a practice. When I showed up, the instructor informed me that my partner would not be able to make it, that she seemed stress, and their was a family emergency. Yet one person mentioned she had been seen at a swing dance later that same day. I worked with the instructor anyway, which was like having a private lesson to improve on foxtrot and that was ok. However, my partner is unable for the next two weeks to work on the performance.

I received a note of apology from my partner where she mentioned she wanted to talk at the next social and she alluded to the need to really work once she was available, and I replied with an update of where things stood with the instructor. The social rolled around. When I approached her to dance, she said she needed to sit one out. When I approached her a second time about 45 minutes later, she was sitting with another guy I'd never seen before at the studio who she was apparently with or had met at the social. I introduced myself to the guy, and then asked my partner for a dance, and she declined saying she was with the guy. A moved on, yet she was dancing with other leads all night.

So ... another week will go by without anything sceduled for additional practices or lessons, and I am beginning to question the wisdom of agreeing to this.

When I shared this with one friend, the question was "And this is your dance partner?" This was said with surprise, knowing the answer to the question, and in essence questioning the wisdom of the situation, too. Another friend said I should just ignore it for now and see what happens next, which I can see the point in doing such. I am interested in keeping my commitment, but when there seems to be an unequal focus this close to the performance, I am pondering how I should proceed.

How do other folks feel about this?

Well Id have to say that I think she has no interest in this performance.
If she is not practicing on her own, showing up to lessons or to practice and using excuses which seem to appear untrue, then Id probably be looking else where for a partner. But as you say you want to give it more of a shot with her, Id be asking the instructor who paired you up to either ask her permission to give her phone number to you or pass yours on thru him and ask that she call you and see if she is still interested in continuing.
Or to get him to question her about it. I dont see why you should have to put in all the effort and then have to carry her along forthe ride at the end of it.
Im not sure she is a very nice person either refusuing all those dances with you...If it were me I know that Id be trying to get as many dances in as possible to get accustomed to your style before the big event.

I say go to the instructor. The current situation is anything but OK, and you have every right not to be set up for a sub-par (at best) performance and experience. If this turns out to be something the instructor can intervene on immediately, fine... but otherwise get out while you can. You've put in more than a good faith effort and your instructor should both acknowledge and appreciate this regardless of anything else.

Had a similar situation once, I was going to do a little comp with a girl, told her up front that I felt we definately needed some practice time to work out some problems, then she just didn't show up to a class and some social dances we said we would both be at (at one point she was genuinely sick, but she has my telephone number but didn't bother to let me know).
So then I told her that this was not the way to go, and unless from that point on she was going to keep her end of the agreement, the whole thing was off. Fortunately she did and things worked out in the end, but I was completely willing to drop the whole thing had she not.
I think you should do the same, it seems you've held up your end, inform your instructor about the situation, set her an ultimatum, if she comes through, great, if not, just walk away, not so great, but still better then doing a bad performance and knowing you could have done better.

Certainly somethings to contemplate, thank you.

At this point I won't be seeing the instructor until the end of the week and my partner is away this week as mentioned previously. I plan to see how things develop upon her return, and if there is not an intiation of communication on her part by the end of the following week, then I'll need to act. This seems to be giving a reasonable amount of benefit of the doubt.

At a minimum a discussion with the instructor will take place inorder to express my feelings regarding the likelihood of a decent performance, and I will request the instructor to express to my partner an immediacy for some serious effort on her part. I suspect the instructor will agree.

I have been part of two formation teams. These types of things require a good amount of effort to put together, and get it to look decent. I would rather save the creative results for another time, maybe even another partner, then settle for a less then acceptable performance.

Who's paying for the lessons, especially the one where she didn't show up?

If the studio is giving them to you for free (as they plausibly might for a show that promotes them), go through with it if there is any way you can.

If you and the girl have to split the cost, don't do it unless she "puts her money where her mouth is".

Yes Chris, money speaks volumes. And it may just correct this situation.

I paid for the first lesson with the understanding the cost would be split 50/50. The second lesson I paid for because I worked mostly on technique of foxtrot which I would be working on anyway.

However, there will not be another lesson regarding this performance without us making a determination as to how many more lessons there will be, these have been paid for upfront by both of us, and she pays for her portion of the first one.

On a side note, the instructor is not charging us for the choreography work she is doing for us outside the lessons.

Hmmm ...

Seems my partner has already gone to the instructor and voiced that her feelings were hurt by my honesty to my partner regarding my disappointment with the situation when I replied to my partner's apologetic note.

The instructor broached the topic with me asking when we would be scheduling additional lessons and I said I didn't know. She then asked whether or not we'd be arranging this upon my partner's return from vacation, and I said I did not know. She then asked me whether or not we'd be doing the performance and I said I did not know. The instructor wanted me to explain, and I said that I felt I needed to have a discussion with my partner. I also expressed that I felt there was difference in focus, that a commitment to discuss things on Friday had been broken, and the communication needed to improve between my partner and I. It then came out that my partner had already gone to the instructor and said that her feelings had been hurt regarding my honesty.

It seems to me unfortunate that this wasn't expressed directly, at the time of my partner's choosing for talking to me, at the social. Instead she chose to withdraw, which is never any good for maintaining strong communication, and with behavior that was inappropriate.

So ... waiting for my partners approach might just be continuing a level of communciation that won't work. Instead I feel it might be better to send a short note along the line of, "It has come to my attention that you were upset regarding my previous note. It is my feeling that it could be benefitial for us to get a chance to review how things stand, if you feel comfortable with this?"

Perhaps she'll opt out, but if she does, at least I will have given it one more try, and then I can move on knowing I gave it my best shot.

DancePoet said:

It was requested by my instructor to partner with my last competition partner for a performance to be given during Nat Ballroom Dance Week towards the end of September.

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This bit from your original post made it sound like she's actually your ex-partner and you are just getting back together to do the showcase.

Or did I read too much into the word "last"?

I don't have time for flakes. That's the final word. :?

DancePoet said:

...said that her feelings had been hurt regarding my honesty. ...

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AARGH!! Yes, let's not be honest and communicate :?

With all this talking about notes, i'm wondering whether you have her phone number? Seems easier to me to call her and try and get a meeting, then this note exchanging.

DancePoet said:

It was requested by my instructor to partner with my last competition partner for a performance to be given during Nat Ballroom Dance Week towards the end of September.

Click to expand...

Had you been asking the instructor to fix you a partner, or was it his/her idea all along?

A random thought: possibly the lady never was very interested and just was too coward to say no. Maybe she is more afraid of the instructor getting disappointed in her, than you. So if it comes down to nothing, she prefers it is your fault than hers.

Chris Stratton wrote: "This bit from your original post made it sound like she's actually your ex-partner and you are just getting back together to do the showcase."

There had not been a commitment on either of our parts after the last competition we did to go further as partners.

Tasek wrote: "With all this talking about notes, i'm wondering whether you have her phone number? Seems easier to me to call her and try and get a meeting, then this note exchanging."

Excellent point! I have provided my phone numbers previously with nothing in return from her. If she is open to meeting and resolving our differences the topic of communication will include using phone numbers. Obviously an email from me has already been misunderstood. Communication needs to improve or this isn't going to work.

blue wrote: "Had you been asking the instructor to fix you a partner, or was it his/her idea all along?"

This was my instructor's idea to partner with my previous comp partner for the performance.


blue also wrote: "A random thought: possibly the lady never was very interested and just was too coward to say no. Maybe she is more afraid of the instructor getting disappointed in her, than you. So if it comes down to nothing, she prefers it is your fault than hers."

This thought has crossed my mind, too.

Bottom line, communication between me and my partner needs to improve or this needs to end.