Life is Hard Thread

[wonderwoman]

I feel incredibly shallow posting about love problems in here. It's not like it's the only problem in my life but it's the only one I can think about.

He was posting on facebook all day but not texting me back and when I asked why he wasn't talking to me he said he was teaching lessons. Posting on facebook while students are behind you? Not likely. He doesn't teach as many students as he claims to, he just doesn't want to talk. Of course I should be able to trust him after six weeks of lying to me about being married right? So he ends it because he is tired to trying to earn my trust. He had it before I found out his lies and I was going to try to work with him but he'd rather not worry about it in addition to everything else going on in his life. I understand. I am just mad that I got so emotionally invested in someone again who let me down. And lost a great salsa partner.

 

[Ray Sison]

I feel incredibly shallow posting about love problems in here. It's not like it's the only problem in my life but it's the only one I can think about.

He was posting on facebook all day but not texting me back and when I asked why he wasn't talking to me he said he was teaching lessons. Posting on facebook while students are behind you? Not likely. He doesn't teach as many students as he claims to, he just doesn't want to talk. Of course I should be able to trust him after six weeks of lying to me about being married right? So he ends it because he is tired to trying to earn my trust. He had it before I found out his lies and I was going to try to work with him but he'd rather not worry about it in addition to everything else going on in his life. I understand. I am just mad that I got so emotionally invested in someone again who let me down. And lost a great salsa partner.

It's not shallow: it's important to you...

 

[fascination]

a) you are correct, I think this belongs in the whining thread...which is why the folks with really dire issues started this thread

b) having said that, I am sorry for your pain...however, I think the lesson here is that no matter how you care to dress that pig and make excuses for it, it is still a pig and you need to look at why you find that so attractive, and why a stable guy that wants you and treats you well leaves you cold...you need to recognize when pain is self-inflicted...I appreciate that you may not appreciate my view on it...but in some instances life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it...this is a preventable issue...the dude has a fundamental lack of honesty thing going on, it is dysfuntional to think that you will be the fundamental turning point in converting him to decency...it might be a nice fantasy that meets your deep seated needs to feel truly significant to a guy who is otherwise a jerkface...but the probability is less than remote...while I am sorry for your pain, this is something you need to deal with or life will continue to be very hard-- by your own hand-- for a very long time

 

[wonderwoman]

Thank you fasc. You can move these if you'd like I just thought this was more general. And yes, it is something making my life hard but it's really not that bad.

 

[fascination]

It's not shallow: it's important to you...

it isn't shallow in what is makes a person feel like, but it is entirely avoidable moving forward...and that, is a choice...which, if unheeded will not merit much sympathy...while that may sound heartless...it is, in fact, the only compassionate perspective to have on it...pity for a self inflicted wound, while temporarily gratifying, does very little toward fixing it...my two cents...and when you post on a public forum you will get candor...I don't mean it in a mean spirited way....but I have been watching this dynamic for quite some time now and that is my heartfelt well intended assessment...it doesn't have to be accepted or appreciated or agreed with..but it is what I would tell my own child...it is in fact what I have told my own child

 

[fascination]

Thank you fasc. You can move these if you'd like I just thought this was more general. And yes, it is something making my life hard but it's really not that bad.

you are fine here for the moment...but I am simply wanting you to appreciate the distinction that I see...I truly feel your pain ww...and I do not minimize it at all...but I do distinguish it as something that you weighed and chose for yourself...and have a choice to stop...and, because I want you to have a good life and stop doing this, I am willing to take gloves off on it...granted, I am all the way over here and it is your life...but I am pretty good at this stuff and I want it to stop for you because you deserve better...everyone deserves better

 

[wonderwoman]

Out of all the people I've received motherly/fatherly advice from I like yours the best. My own mother simply states that men are ______ no matter what I WANT to hear and my motherly Russian landlord explains that love is an illness and usually passes in about 90 days.

 

[fascination]

walk away from this man instead of being a pathetic insecure clingey spy...respect yourself...learn how to enjoy healthy non-flashy normal men....and don't define that as settling...define that as wellness...yes, you will be bored...make yourself interested in life...no one can keep you on top of the world indefinately anyhow....happiness is an inside job...do not confuse it with excitement...anyhow, I don't mean to clobber you but it is really important that you get this

 

[wonderwoman]

No, I know you are right. And I really do appreciate it. I knew from the beginning it was going to burn out fast. Actually six weeks is too long, it should have happened sooner.

 

[fascination]

healthy men are wonderful...but they aren't a prince who does romantic stuff at just the right moment and who always make you feel thrilled...they are people who don't play games, don't want to have to prove their affection regularly because they aren't believed, but who will be there as a friend and who will not hurt you...but, we pick as sick as we are...and we need to take a good hard look at ourselves and our insecurities and needs and expectations and adopt a very strong grown-up rational world view that has very little to do with feeling our undies on fire....that will come and go but will always return or can always return in a relationship that has a solid undergirding of trust, respectful dialogue, etc...and if you have no role model for that you will settle in a whole other way...he's a pig, but he's my pig...there are good stable boring guys out there who get thrown away everyday by women who don't feel excited enough and stroked enough by them...consider writing a list of what you want...and writing a list of how you compromise and writing a list of ways to improve your own personality ....and your mom is wrong about men....be your best self...no one can do it for you... pick someone who is too good for you and then be the person you need to be to get him....

 

[wonderwoman]

Thanks for writing that. And I know my mom is wrong LoL

 

[fascination]

No, I know you are right. And I really do appreciate it. I knew from the beginning it was going to burn out fast. Actually six weeks is too long, it should have happened sooner.

it is a shame ww that you have such poor support in your life...but there is little to be done for that...so you are going to have to be the parent to yourself...not the harsh abusive parent, not the overly indulgent give the spoiled child whatever it wants parent...but rather, the logical grown-up...so no criticism for this mistake, no pity either (most of us have done the same...at least once)...but go forth now, treat that guy like an addiction that you don't even want to go near...and move to something healthy....you are sufficient on your own...you may want/miss the dream and the strokes...but it isn't worth it...build your life, find a charity or a cause...be your best self and don't dismiss men who don't immediately ring your bell...look for the deep guy who takes a while to get to truly appreciate....have to go to work...my very best to you

 

[pygmalion]

Amen.

A comment about dealing with the awful stuff. I have a GF whose ex-husband is dying of cancer. He had cancer a few years ago, had surgery, and the doctors thought they'd removed it all. But now it's back. He's had part or all of three internal organs removed and he's lost the will to live.

He abandoned my GF and her kids years ago and married the other woman. Do you know what my GF regrets? The fact that the ex is too afraid to talk with her. She said that she's always loved him and always will, and that her only sadness is that the ex doesn't have the courage to come to her for forgiveness and closure.

Tragedy sometimes brings out the very best in people.

 

[fascination]

what is sad to me is that he probably never deserved her...and knows it...and will probably not have the courage to do her that one small favor...some people are irresponsible cowards...and being terminal rarely changes that...people generally die in a manner consistent with how they lived...some people overcome obstacles....other people run away....I hope that the good and kind people in her life will continue to reassure her of how very much she deserves his apology and courage in spite of his inability to give it....her only fault was in loving someone who had no desire to grow....so very tragic that he will probably leave this life missing that opportunity, and her longstanding hopes in his growth will be dashed...I most sincerely hope that I am wrong...sometimes people rise to the better angels of their nature and I will pray for that

 

[flashdance]

I'm sorry to read some of the posts in here... But I send my best wishes to each and everyone of you.

My dad's doing okay at the moment, he's still very tired with this chemo trial drug... 4 more months then we'll see the results... the good thing is, no pain and he's eating properly now... Back to the hospital for another check up too...

Out of all the people I've received motherly/fatherly advice from I like yours the best. My own mother simply states that men are ______ no matter what I WANT to hear and my motherly Russian landlord explains that love is an illness and usually passes in about 90 days.

Out of all the people I've ever met on the net you are truly one of the most genuine... I dunno why some guys treat women like they do.... but you don't deserve any crap

Attention all men/women, give your loved ones lots of hugs and love

Attention male Salsa dancers, treat WW like crap and I'll (virtually?) knock your block off. Thank you for listening to this public service announcement.