Accused of Inappropriate Behavior

[DanceMentor]

It's been a while since I've written here and I had something happen to me tonight that made me feel deeply hurt so I want to tell you what happened....

I'll first start by saying that I was accused of something unwelcome or inappropriate but I didn't specifics exactly, But I have a clear memory of exactly what happened.

I was taking a West Coast swing group class. We were changing partners often. I was dancing with a lady and we were practicing a move where she rolls in to the right arm (1,2 3&4) and then is spun back out (&5) and the leader catches her on the back around the shoulder blade. We did this a couple of times. The teacher was talking about catching on the rib cage. I got this visual in my mind that the rib cage is like a "cage", and my hand was still there like everyone else, and I said "cage" and squeezed the upper back/shoulder blade area (not hard). I had my hand exactly where it was supposed to be like everyone else. I have been dancing for 30+ years and I am super careful, and this time was no exception. I did not touch any inappropriate places.

I will admit that saying "cage" and squeezing the shoulder blade area is a little bit of a weird thing to do. I should not have done that. It was unwelcomed and wrong. I saw the look on her face a little after (but we were changing partners), and I said sorry, and also thank you (as we normally do when changing partners). Maybe a half hour later, she rotated around to me again and she put of the X sign, and I just stood down and didn't try to make it worse. i waited a moment, and again said I'm sorry. Then she said, and I am paraphrasing, I am going to make sure that you don't ever have the opportunity to do that to a woman ever again. I just said, I am sorry, and that is all I can do.

After the dance started. The leader of the dance came over and pulled me aside and wanted to talk privately. I felt the place we were talking was not private enough so we went more into a backroom. He asked me if I was aware about something that happened and I went ahead and told him exactly what I just wrote above and I demonstrated how squeezed the shoulder blade area to him. He pointed out that that in a group class you're not the teacher (And it wasn't clear exactly what he meant by that but I think he just meant that I shouldn't be maybe talking to other people). And he said that that was unwelcomed. And I admitted that what I did was a little bit weird and I shouldn't have done it.

But then he went on to say that the lady was outside crying and told him that I had touched her inappropriately three times. I was mortified. I have never been accused of anything like this ever. I told him that I am 100% sure that I did not touch her in any In appropriate places, and I am sure of that. I'm so careful about that sort of thing. I told him that he is welcome to keep an eye on me and watch everything I do or ask any of the partners I've been dancing with if they've been getting any kind of weird vibes off of me.

And he just said I hear you and that's why I'm here to listen to to you. He didn't try to make judgment but it just made me feel very uncomfortable that I was being confronted but I think What he did was right. If someone accuses another of inappropriate behavior it's important to go talk to that person and see what's going on.

I asked him if he would like me to leave the dance, And he said he was not asking me to do that. And I went on to say I kind of feel like I'd like to leave just because I'm so mortified by all this. But I got the courage to go back in there and I had a great time and I sort of shared my story without revealing any thing about the lady that accused me and ask some of my partners if they ever got any weird vibes off of me or if they thought I was a weirdo or anything and they all reassured me In different ways that I was OK.

I just wanted to come over here and write this post to to just further get this off my chest. I'm a human being and I made a mistake tonight. I can't begin to understand what might have been going through this lady's mind. Maybe something happened to her in the past and maybe there was something about my behavior that reminded her of that or something like that.

It's just so weird to be on the receiving end of this. I've never actually had this happen to me before and of course I will be even more careful in the future. I must learn from my experiences.

I also can sympathize maybe more now that sometimes people can be falsely accused and that can be very damaging to the person being accused as well. I feel like my reputation is safe, But I can imagine how a story could be circulated about someone where it wasn't true and it caused great harm to them.

At the same time I do support people's right to speak up if they feel something was odd or inappropriate even if they're not sure and feel like another persons behavior was questionable. There should be an open door to people being able to report things.

I'm not even sure how to handle a situation where we are in the same group class in the future. I was thinking about telling the organizer that maybe he could relate to her that I don't fully understand Her side of the story but I want her to feel very comfortable to be in any group class in the school and not feel any need to dance with me And that I will be very accommodating to making it easy to skip me. For example, if it's time for her to dance with me I will take that time to take a break and step aside. Moreover I wouldn't want there to be any other opportunity for her to have any reason to again accuse me of doing anything to her.

 

[opendoor]

Hi dancementor, I can completely understand your questions and your frustration. What I don't understand is what the follower and the facilitator mean by "inappropriately." To clarify the process, we should examine the move. Technically speaking, I see two potential problems:

1) The deceleration of the followers' movement should feel feather-light, like a bungee cord that slows down imperceptibly at first and then more and more. The leader must practically extend his arm and mustn't stop moving; they must yield and follow. Otherwise, it will feel to the followers as if they are being caught with a net. Subjectively, it can even create the impression that the partner is pulling them towards them.

2) The follower isn't "caught" with the hand like in high speed salsa, but rather with the soft, supportive surface of the inside of the entire forearm. At least, that's how it should be done in a practice situation with an unfamiliar partner. Even brief contact with the hand or fingers can be very uncomfortable, hurt, or create the illusion that the bra clasp is coming undone.

Overall, communication before attempting always is important: and please tell me if it feels ok if I try it now.

 

[DanceMentor]

Hi dancementor, I can completely understand your questions and your frustration. What I don't understand is what the follower and the facilitator mean by "inappropriately." To clarify the process, we should examine the move. Technically speaking, I see two potential problems:

1) The deceleration of the followers' movement should feel feather-light, like a bungee cord that slows down imperceptibly at first and then more and more. The leader must practically extend his arm and mustn't stop moving; they must yield and follow. Otherwise, it will feel to the followers as if they are being caught with a net. Subjectively, it can even create the impression that the partner is pulling them towards them.

2) The follower isn't "caught" with the hand like in high speed salsa, but rather with the soft, supportive surface of the inside of the entire forearm. At least, that's how it should be done in a practice situation with an unfamiliar partner. Even brief contact with the hand or fingers can be very uncomfortable, hurt, or create the illusion that the bra clasp is coming undone.

Overall, communication before attempting always is important: and please tell me if it feels ok if I try it now.

Yes, it’s such a strange thing. There were approximately 30 followers in the class and I danced with this woman exactly how I danced with all the others. The only thing that I did different was, I squeezed her shoulder blade a little and said the word cage. That is a little weird. I admit that. But I wasn’t trying to do anything inappropriate and in my 30+ years of dancing I have never been accused of anything like this. The way the guy who took me aside and expressed to me he made it sound like I apparently did something three times that was inappropriate and that’s just not true. I danced with her just like everybody else.

And I’ll go further to say that I have many regular partners at the dance, and often they’re coming up to me and asking me to dance. I think there’s maybe just something unlucky about this situation where she felt something weird and then I made the weird “cage” comment. And it must have totally set her off. She literally said something like I’m going to make sure you’re not able to ever do that to another woman again. Like I don’t even know what I did, but I danced with all the women the same because we were doing the same step. It’s just strange.

 

[Pryn]

While it's hard to know what may have triggered her without her side of the story, but perhaps it wasn't the location of the hand but the squeezing each time along with the "cage" interjection.

Granted my WCS is experience is minimal, a handful of group classes and about the same number of private lessons, but is squeezing a normal part of the catches? (My shoulder blade is not normally squeezed in the dances that I'm familiar with.) If other leaders did the catch without squeezing, it may have felt unusual or extra beyond what's needed, especially if you just met at the class. At this point, I'm just speculating, and that's not worth much... but I'm sorry this whole awkward situation happened.

I agree with you that the instructor took reasonable steps to address it respectfully though and since you weren't asked to leave, he was probably satisfied that there was no ill-intent after hearing both sides of the story.

You've apologized multiple times so there is not much further than that you can do. If you cross paths again in class, you can let the instructor know that you out of respect for her and her comfort level, you would not be offended should she choose to pass you on the rotation. Hopefully, he'll relay the message.

 

[DanceMentor]

While it's hard to know what may have triggered her without her side of the story, but perhaps it wasn't the location of the hand but the squeezing each time along with the "cage" interjection.

Granted my WCS is experience is minimal, a handful of group classes and about the same number of private lessons, but is squeezing a normal part of the catches? (My shoulder blade is not normally squeezed in the dances that I'm familiar with.) If other leaders did the catch without squeezing, it may have felt unusual or extra beyond what's needed, especially if you just met at the class. At this point, I'm just speculating, and that's not worth much... but I'm sorry this whole awkward situation happened.

I agree with you that the instructor took reasonable steps to address it respectfully though and since you weren't asked to leave, he was probably satisfied that there was no ill-intent after hearing both sides of the story.

You've apologized multiple times so there is not much further than that you can do. If you cross paths again in class, you can let the instructor know that you out of respect for her and her comfort level, you would not be offended should she choose to pass you on the rotation. Hopefully, he'll relay the message.

Thank you. At this point I would not be willing to dance with her and risk being accused of misconduct. Apparently, she told the manager that I did something to her 3 times. I don't even know exactly what she accused me of doing. I have thought about seeking further clarification from him. I also don't know if now this lady is going to spread rumors about me.

Whatever I supposedly did was in plain site, it a well lit room (lights were not dimmed). And I danced exactly the same way with everyone. Again, squeezing her should blade a little and saying "cage" was weird and uncalled for, but that is quite different than doing some kind of inappropriate touching three times.

 

[lucia_l]

.... I got this visual in my mind that the rib cage is like a "cage", and my hand was still there like everyone else, and I said "cage" and squeezed the upper back/shoulder blade area (not hard). I had my hand exactly where it was supposed to be like everyone else. I have been dancing for 30+ years and I am super careful, and this time was no exception. I did not touch any inappropriate places.

If it is as you describe, I don't see a big sin here. I wasn't there to witness and know neither of you in real life. So I'm not going to decree who is right and who is wrong. But if it is as you describe, I'm not seeing you as doing anything wrong.

I will admit that saying "cage" and squeezing the shoulder blade area is a little bit of a weird thing to do. I should not have done that. It was unwelcomed and wrong. I saw the look on her face a little after (but we were changing partners), and I said sorry, and also thank you (as we normally do when changing partners). Maybe a half hour later, she rotated around to me again and she put of the X sign, and I just stood down and didn't try to make it worse. i waited a moment, and again said I'm sorry. Then she said, and I am paraphrasing, I am going to make sure that you don't ever have the opportunity to do that to a woman ever again. I just said, I am sorry, and that is all I can do.

So did you two skip your turn in the rotation? I'd do that with her from now on. It seems to be what she wants, so do it. When she arrives at your spot in the rotation, just step back voluntarily. You really don't want any repeat of this.

If here are more follows than leads in the lesson, some follows may swoop into the spot rather than letting the opportunity to practice with a lead go by.

After the dance started. The leader of the dance came over and pulled me aside and wanted to talk privately. I felt the place we were talking was not private enough so we went more into a backroom. He asked me if I was aware about something that happened and I went ahead and told him exactly what I just wrote above and I demonstrated how squeezed the shoulder blade area to him. He pointed out that that in a group class you're not the teacher (And it wasn't clear exactly what he meant by that but I think he just meant that I shouldn't be maybe talking to other people). And he said that that was unwelcomed. And I admitted that what I did was a little bit weird and I shouldn't have done it.

Once again: if you did what you described, I don't see how that's interpreted as you acting as "teacher". But not arguing is best in this sort of situation.

But then he went on to say that the lady was outside crying and told him that I had touched her inappropriately three times. I was mortified.

I don't want to police women's reactions, but crying strikes me as a pretty big response to any sort of inappropriate touching likely to occur during a group lesson where people are following directions. Certainly, it sounds like a big reaction for someone squeezing a rib cage or shoulder blade and saying "cage". I mean... in my experience actual groping tends to happen during actual social dances. (It's also pretty rare.)

Also: if I was touched inappropriately-- really truly in appropriately-- I would complain when it happened. If it was accidental, it would probably not happen again. Even if it was on purpose, it would probably not happen again. The confrontation would not involve my crying-- more likely a raised voice. And I would say, "Sorry, I'm not dancing with you."

But of course, that's me. It's a fair number of others I know. It's possible other women would cry.

I have never been accused of anything like this ever. I told him that I am 100% sure that I did not touch her in any In appropriate places, and I am sure of that. I'm so careful about that sort of thing. I told him that he is welcome to keep an eye on me and watch everything I do or ask any of the partners I've been dancing with if they've been getting any kind of weird vibes off of me.

And he just said I hear you and that's why I'm here to listen to to you. He didn't try to make judgment but it just made me feel very uncomfortable that I was being confronted but I think What he did was right. If someone accuses another of inappropriate behavior it's important to go talk to that person and see what's going on.

Of course it made you uncomfortable.

I asked him if he would like me to leave the dance, And he said he was not asking me to do that. And I went on to say I kind of feel like I'd like to leave just because I'm so mortified by all this. But I got the courage to go back in there and I had a great time and I sort of shared my story without revealing any thing about the lady that accused me and ask some of my partners if they ever got any weird vibes off of me or if they thought I was a weirdo or anything and they all reassured me In different ways that I was OK.

You've been dancing a long time. You don't get uninvited. There are such things as people who are odd.... some of these people are women. Some are men.

In this case, I lean toward her possibly being one. It's a contingent opinion. Is she's new to the group or new to dancing? I'd lean toward different possible theories of her reaction depending. (New to dancing? She may just not be used to contact. New to the group? It may turn out you all learn she is hyper sensitive. That happens.)

I mean... I read this and think of a long time friend of mine who recently moved to the New York area. She has had anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Bad ones. And... I encouraged her to take up dance lessons. There's a studio that starts a new dance each week.... so I read this and think... "Oh my gosh!" She's been saying she'll contact the local studio and take up West Coast Swing.

I know the probability it is her is very low. And she hasn't sent me a panicked text message about an awful experience this week. In fact, I don't think she's gotten up the "courage" to sign up for lessons. But your story has made me a bit fearful for the men. Because, if I saw her react badly, I would be 99.99999% certain it was not the guy. I'd comfort her and suggest maybe my idea that dancing would help her was not so great. But I'd know that her panic had very, very little to do with the man.

Like it or not, there are all sorts of people in the world.

I'm not even sure how to handle a situation where we are in the same group class in the future.

Step back in the rotation. Do not practice with her. If you want to cover, pretend you are going to the men's room.

I was thinking about telling the organizer that maybe he could relate to her that I don't fully understand Her side of the story but I want her to feel very comfortable to be in any group class in the school and not feel any need to dance with me And that I will be very accommodating to making it easy to skip me.

I would advise against this. Some times people think more conversation is always good, but it's not always the case. You can communicate she doesn't need to dance with you by stepping back out of courtesy when she comes to your spot in the rotation. Sounds like that's your plan.

For example, if it's time for her to dance with me I will take that time to take a break and step aside. Moreover I wouldn't want there to be any other opportunity for her to have any reason to again accuse me of doing anything to her.

Precisely.

If it is as you describe, you've been attending these sessions a long time, and she starts spreading the word that you groped her three times during a group lesson, I would guess most the women are going to think "Huh?" Women do talk-- but they don't always automatically believe that groping happened in any and every possible accusation. This was supposedly a group lesson. Lots of people-- including ladies-- were there. Of course everyone knows you can't always see groping, but still.

I think you have come up with the correct strategy other than the possibility of talking. to her about it, or talking to the teacher further. Don't do that. Just step back when she is in your spot in the rotation. Needless to say, don't invite her to dance.

If someone-- man or woman-- asks why you step back, say "She's expressed that she is uncomfortable with my touch during dancing. So I'm stepping back as a courtesy to her." Let her say whatever she wants-- you can't stop her anyway.

 

[DanceMentor]

So did you two skip your turn in the rotation? I'd do that with her from now on. It seems to be what she wants, so do it. When she arrives at your spot in the rotation, just step back voluntarily. You really don't want any repeat of this.

Yes, we did skip the second time and that is when she made the comment I am going to make sure you will never be able to do that to a woman ever again.

I think you have come up with the correct strategy other than the possibility of talking. to her about it, or talking to the teacher further. Don't do that. Just step back when she is in your spot in the rotation. Needless to say, don't invite her to dance.

Yes, I agree. It's not worth discussing more unless I am confronted with the issue again because people are talking about me or something. In that case I would talk just directly with the organizer and tell him what has been happening and then I'm not OK with it. But I won't be dancing with this woman ever again. She would have to apologize to me and I don't think that's likely

If someone-- man or woman-- asks why you step back, say "She's expressed that she is uncomfortable with my touch during dancing. So I'm stepping back as a courtesy to her."

That is an excellent response.

It's a contingent opinion. Is she's new to the group or new to dancing? I'd lean toward different possible theories of her reaction depending.

She is in the highest level class but it's not that difficult either. I would guess she's probably been dancing for one to two years. I don't know much about her. She's a tall redhead.

I would love to know what in her mind I did three times but it's one of those things where discussing it is not going to be productive. I'm happy I was able to return to the dance and keep dancing for a while and I had a great time and without pointing out who this woman was I discussed the matter with a few ladies who I have danced with a lot and they were all supportive.

I'm going to make the assumption that she does have something going on emotionally or some sort of personality disorder. She looks like she takes care of herself rather well and I didn't get any vibes off of her before this. I probably encountered her at least a half a dozen times and surely danced with her in the group class but not otherwise that I can remember.

I'm a pretty sensitive person and you can see just from my talking about it here I've been thinking about it a lot. At least historically I've always been the kind of person who wants to be liked by everyone and if anything that is my weakness. If I do something that causes someone to be distressed it also distresses me. I've learned to realize that I can't make everyone happy and I first must take care of myself.

I'll even share that when I was around 14 years old I was molested by a homosexual man and it had a very negative impact on me over the years ahead. I'm very aware of what it feels like to be violated or touched inappropriately and for that reason I am extremely sensitive even now to doing something that would cause someone to feel distress by inappropriate touching.

But maybe I'm a little more mature now and I feel like she is the one who is at fault here and I am the one who was treated inappropriately. But I don't know what caused her to be like this and I don't want to cause her any more trouble or myself any more trouble.

 

[opendoor]

..this situation where she felt something weird and then I made the weird “cage” comment..

Don't start looking for the fault in yourself. I'll say it again: it's about technique! When I learned this move, the teacher gave a very long introduction explaining that there's a risk it will feel really bad if the leader executes the move incorrectly. There was never such a prominent introduction in that group class before. That's why I remember the bungee metaphor so clearly.

 

[raindance]

A few thoughts -

You didn't do anything wrong intentionally.

But - holding onto someone, giving them a squeeze, and saying "cage" (though appropriate from context of class instruction) could be triggering. I could see feeling trapped myself. I have had moments of discomfort myself when a lead holds on (just to hand or shoulder or in closed frame, etc) too long while instruction goes on. Sometimes the lead is listening and sort of forgets they're even holding a partner, it's not intentional but can still feel a bit confining. Not to the extent that I even needed to complain, but I can see how it could happen accidentally.

You then were talked to privately about the situation by the person in charge of the dance - good for you for moving this to a private area for this conversation. Good for you for being open, and not getting defensive.

But you then went back to the dance while the lady was still there and you talked about the situation with others in a non private situation. In a room full of dancers, things can be overheard and misunderstood. Understandable from your end that you needed to talk and process, and you didn't mention her name. But from her end ... you're still dancing and now you are talking about her and what happened, which she may hear about in a round about way. And since people know who else was in the group lesson, there are only so many people it could be who complained about you that night.

And now you are posting your side of the story in great detail here, including describing her height, hair color, and speculating about her possible mental problems.

Again I know you didn't do anything truly inappropriate. You were not trying to grope her etc. You feel bad that you were misunderstood, and all that. And I feel bad for you being caught up in this.

But clearly you creeped her out or triggered something (though completely innocently and accidentally on your part). And now you are not respecting her privacy about the incident. You are not totally anonymous here ... and therefore amongst people who know you, she is not either, and that's without her consent.

I truly believe you are trying to do the right thing all along ... I don't think you are trying to cause any harm whatsoever then or now. But by continuing to talk about this, and posting it publicly, you may be making a bad situation worse for yourself, and worse for her.

I'm truly sorry you were caught up in this by accident. I hope it can all blow over as no big deal and be forgotten. But talking about it amongst dance friends, even semi anonymously, may actually turn it into something bigger than it is or otherwise would be. It may cause additional spread of rumors or speculation, and turn a momentary misunderstanding into a much bigger deal.

Tread carefully. Rightly or wrongly, she felt very uncomfortable and was upset enough to make a complaint. She feels she is the victim of being mistreated even if you objectively did nothing wrong. Don't compound the problem further accidentally. This might be better processed by you and one very close dance friend that you can trust to keep this completely confidential. And/or even with a therapist. Give this woman lots and lots of space.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this and I thoroughly believe you that you didn't do anything inappropriate.

 

[DanceMentor]

A few thoughts -

You didn't do anything wrong intentionally.

But - holding onto someone, giving them a squeeze, and saying "cage" (though appropriate from context of class instruction) could be triggering. I could see feeling trapped myself. I have had moments of discomfort myself when a lead holds on (just to hand or shoulder or in closed frame, etc) too long while instruction goes on. Sometimes the lead is listening and sort of forgets they're even holding a partner, it's not intentional but can still feel a bit confining. Not to the extent that I even needed to complain, but I can see how it could happen accidentally.

You then were talked to privately about the situation by the person in charge of the dance - good for you for moving this to a private area for this conversation. Good for you for being open, and not getting defensive.

But you then went back to the dance while the lady was still there and you talked about the situation with others in a non private situation. In a room full of dancers, things can be overheard and misunderstood. Understandable from your end that you needed to talk and process, and you didn't mention her name. But from her end ... you're still dancing and now you are talking about her and what happened, which she may hear about in a round about way. And since people know who else was in the group lesson, there are only so many people it could be who complained about you that night.

And now you are posting your side of the story in great detail here, including describing her height, hair color, and speculating about her possible mental problems.

Again I know you didn't do anything truly inappropriate. You were not trying to grope her etc. You feel bad that you were misunderstood, and all that. And I feel bad for you being caught up in this.

But clearly you creeped her out or triggered something (though completely innocently and accidentally on your part). And now you are not respecting her privacy about the incident. You are not totally anonymous here ... and therefore amongst people who know you, she is not either, and that's without her consent.

I truly believe you are trying to do the right thing all along ... I don't think you are trying to cause any harm whatsoever then or now. But by continuing to talk about this, and posting it publicly, you may be making a bad situation worse for yourself, and worse for her.

I'm truly sorry you were caught up in this by accident. I hope it can all blow over as no big deal and be forgotten. But talking about it amongst dance friends, even semi anonymously, may actually turn it into something bigger than it is or otherwise would be. It may cause additional spread of rumors or speculation, and turn a momentary misunderstanding into a much bigger deal.

Tread carefully. Rightly or wrongly, she felt very uncomfortable and was upset enough to make a complaint. She feels she is the victim of being mistreated even if you objectively did nothing wrong. Don't compound the problem further accidentally. This might be better processed by you and one very close dance friend that you can trust to keep this completely confidential. And/or even with a therapist. Give this woman lots and lots of space.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this and I thoroughly believe you that you didn't do anything inappropriate.

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. I don't believe there's much likelihood of this thread seen by her. But I do understand the concern for privacy and not letting the matter explode anymore. That's good advice.

At the dance I spoke pretty discreetly and I'm not too concerned in this situation that the talk would travel around just the way things are organized. But it is something that has some possibility of coming back to me. But I also believe that what I have said here and to my friends is honest and empathetic and I truly am sorry that I disturbed her or made her feel uncomfortable. That was definitely not my intention.

Better still I will be leaving town pretty much permanently over the next couple of months. And just to get off this topic and I probably should start another thread, I will start traveling around the world again and I look forward to sharing a lot of experiences and maybe some photos about dancing in different countries.

 

[Bailango]

Objectively you are in a no-win situation if you don’t get over it. Unfortunately your only option is to move on.

In my books it is appropriate to talk and get feedback from other ladies.

You don’t know what triggered her. You admitted it was weird that you said “cage”and squeezed the shoulder blade. If I was in the follower’s shoes I would find it odd but not inappropriate. If this was indeed why she complained, I can see why hearing you say “cage” could be taken a wrong way. If you had only squeezed but not said “cage”, she might have not thought much about it. It is very possible you verbalizing it and her hearing it, triggered something in her. She could have thought you are making uncalled for comments while causing discomfort. Or worse that she saw it as an equivalent of cat calling.

Did you squeezed the shoulder blades of other ladies who rotated too?

Other thing is you don’t know her background or cultural upbringing. People come from different background and perception of what is appropriate/inappropriate is contextual. Or what makes her sensitive enough to think it was inappropriate touch and complaint.

You mentioned that she has been dancing for a couple of years. Which means she is not new to partner dancing. Hence not over sensitive to touches that happen during course of partner dancing.

I would say let it go. Like a bad dream. The more you delve on it, the worse you will feel. Serious misunderstanding can happen. At best you can talk to the instructor who pulled you aside and say that the whole situation made you very uncomfortable. It is like being accused for something you don’t know and can’t defend. If she has similarly complaint before about someone else, the instructor might know. As I said no matter what you try to do to figure out, you are stuck in no-win situation.

 

[DanceMentor]

Objectively you are in a no-win situation if you don’t get over it. Unfortunately your only option is to move on.

In my books it is appropriate to talk and get feedback from other ladies.

You don’t know what triggered her. You admitted it was weird that you said “cage”and squeezed the shoulder blade. If I was in the follower’s shoes I would find it odd but not inappropriate. If this was indeed why she complained, I can see why hearing you say “cage” could be taken a wrong way. If you had only squeezed but not said “cage”, she might have not thought much about it. It is very possible you verbalizing it and her hearing it, triggered something in her. She could have thought you are making uncalled for comments while causing discomfort. Or worse that she saw it as an equivalent of cat calling.

Did you squeezed the shoulder blades of other ladies who rotated too?

Other thing is you don’t know her background or cultural upbringing. People come from different background and perception of what is appropriate/inappropriate is contextual. Or what makes her sensitive enough to think it was inappropriate touch and complaint.

You mentioned that she has been dancing for a couple of years. Which means she is not new to partner dancing. Hence not over sensitive to touches that happen during course of partner dancing.

I would say let it go. Like a bad dream. The more you delve on it, the worse you will feel. Serious misunderstanding can happen. At best you can talk to the instructor who pulled you aside and say that the whole situation made you very uncomfortable. It is like being accused for something you don’t know and can’t defend. If she has similarly complaint before about someone else, the instructor might know. As I said no matter what you try to do to figure out, you are stuck in no-win situation.

I went to the dance on Wednesday night and she was not there. As a safety measure I chose to be the follower during the group class the whole time in case she showed up so there wouldn't be any incidental interactions. I would say everything went fine for me but I still sort of disgusted about the situation and it was a little harder for me to enjoy myself but I'm sure that will wear off. I shouldn't have let it get to me but it's just I've never been accused of that and I totally hate people who do things like that to people So it made me feel especially bad being thought of as one of them

 

[Mengu]

Sorry, late to the discussion. Exactly what happened is unclear to me, it sounds like you were dancing a roll in roll out to a catch. But your hand typically wouldn't be on the shoulder blade for that, unless it's a less common over the shoulder catch. So I'm not entirely sure what the move was.

Common problem for a roll in roll out is the hands and or elbows being too high for the follow's height/body type.

Just because other follows aren't complaining doesn't mean you didn't do something uncomfortable for that one follow. I've had this conversation with a number of follows, and those with more unusual body types, generally have the most trouble with leader's limbs being in non-ideal places. Most experienced follows learn to manage it by placing their own hand where it's comfortable, but beginners may not.

Overall, the interactions you describe with another dancer and community leader are uncommon (in my experience), but they do happen. Don't be discouraged, learn what you can from the situation, tell a local private instructor what happened, the particular move where it happened, and ask for advice, both technical and social.

I'm also not sure how you apologized, but saying the wrong things in an apology can sometimes make it worse. I've fallen into that pit before.

Maybe bring more awareness to body type and experience level of your follow to provide them with more comfortable positions, but don't let the dramatic interaction mess with your head too much. You are an experienced dancer, and you're already thinking about what happened, and how to manage it going forward. Keep dancing with confidence.

 

[DanceMentor]

Sorry, late to the discussion. Exactly what happened is unclear to me, it sounds like you were dancing a roll in roll out to a catch. But your hand typically wouldn't be on the shoulder blade for that, unless it's a less common over the shoulder catch. So I'm not entirely sure what the move was.

Common problem for a roll in roll out is the hands and or elbows being too high for the follow's height/body type.

Just because other follows aren't complaining doesn't mean you didn't do something uncomfortable for that one follow. I've had this conversation with a number of follows, and those with more unusual body types, generally have the most trouble with leader's limbs being in non-ideal places. Most experienced follows learn to manage it by placing their own hand where it's comfortable, but beginners may not.

Overall, the interactions you describe with another dancer and community leader are uncommon (in my experience), but they do happen. Don't be discouraged, learn what you can from the situation, tell a local private instructor what happened, the particular move where it happened, and ask for advice, both technical and social.

I'm also not sure how you apologized, but saying the wrong things in an apology can sometimes make it worse. I've fallen into that pit before.

Maybe bring more awareness to body type and experience level of your follow to provide them with more comfortable positions, but don't let the dramatic interaction mess with your head too much. You are an experienced dancer, and you're already thinking about what happened, and how to manage it going forward. Keep dancing with confidence.

Yes I suppose as a trained ballroom dancer I do tend to catch at the shoulder blade level and maybe in West Coast swing they go a little lower but I don't think that's the way the teacher was teaching it in the class. I think it was at the shoulder blade.

This lady did not come to the dance the next two weeks, And I believe today would mark three weeks.

It's just one of those things I guess. I have it once in 32 years of dancing ever had such an accusation before. And I'm always very sensitive to things of this nature So I first asked myself is there anything possible that I could have done. And I assumed there was some sort of perception by her but I still don't know what it was. Sometimes people's perceptions can be different. But I am clear in my own mind that I did not do anything inappropriate.