Negative comments from family members who don't dance

[newbie]

Recently, I set my daughter up with a tryout with an instructor that "I thought" was a good dancer. My daughter went along, but immediatly could tell he wasn't the dancer for her. She shut down and gave me dirty looks as if "How could you set me up with this guy". He could also sense it immediatly and was trying to give her an out,...but I pushed them to continue. She continued to shut down. I was getting a bit mad and asked her "what's the problem"? She said "I will talk to you later". I then, after about 20 min. thanked the guy for coming and he left. Then I talked to her about it, and she quickly peeled off about 10 things the guy was doing wrong. Technical things that I did not have a clue about. Things that apparently, only an advanced dancer would know. I not only put my daughter in an uncomfortable situation, I put the guy in one as well.

I felt terrible afterwards, but now have a new found respect for my daughter and her dance ablilities.

Be firm with them before they make your life miserable, like I have with my daughter. They will get over it. Afterall, you are not a 10 yr. old.

So, in this case she is the dancer and you are the incompetent family.

 

[fascination]

Well, there's input and there's input. Some people just have to sabotage -- they know exactly where my sensitive spots are, and hit them on purpose, and yes, there are people that cruel, and sometimes they're related to me. That input is given simply to hurt, and it has no value.

Some family members are in awe of the fact that I'm doing this at all, and know nothing about dancing, but yes, they will say something that points out that my tango is mushy, f'rinstance. And they're right, and I value that input.

But the husband who sabotages the whole thing, as in "Why are you wasting your time?" A special level in hell for him.

i guess to my mind...if the issue is that serious and he is seriously that unsupportive, then the issue really isn't about dancing

 

[samina]

But the husband who sabotages the whole thing, as in "Why are you wasting your time?" A special level in hell for him.

Grrr....sorry to hear that.

I remember one guy in my community (not family), used to bump into him at a local watering hole and he'd put down my ballroom dancing similarly. "What are you going to *do* with it... go on TV & compete?" <dripping with sarcasm>

Knowing he's an avid golfer, I just asked him what he's going to do with it... "Go on TV & compete???"

 

[NonieS]

my family members have never been dancers so they have never tried to criticize my dancing... my parents did once tell me that the makeup I wore for Latin was "scary".... but that is rather the point in Latin makeup lol so I took it as a compliment!!

My parents are, however, very wary of my professional aspirations and have always felt that I put too much focus and attention towards dancing and not on more "important" things. I think we have finally reached the point, however, where I have beaten them into submission, so to speak lol.. They can somewhat accept that dance is what I love, am passionate about, and above all, what keeps me sane and happy. I think they still like to worry that I am embarking on a futile course of action by trying to become a dancer.... but I just tell them that's why I am getting my Bachelor's degree!!

 

[j_alexandra]

i guess to my mind...if the issue is that serious and he is seriously that unsupportive, then the issue really isn't about dancing

Um, yeah. Is it ever really about dancing, even if it's the parents who are making the comments? Or the brother/sister, or kids, or whoever? It's seldom about dancing. Usually about other stuff.

Which reminds me: it's time to go get ready to go to a social. And devil take the hindmost.

 

[fascination]

actually yea...i think lots of folks care about my dancing and know that I am open to their assessment and they share strictly to make me a better dancer...but certainly there are people who will assess my dancing through a lens of distaste for me, either temporarily or b/c they have a longstanding issue...I know the difference, and I don't spend much time beyond the personal hurt of it on whether or not it has credibility...but if my family and friends are assessing my dancing, i trust that it is genuinely about my dancing...i guess it depends upon what one's family is like, but if what they are offering isn't about the dancing, then I circle back to the issue not really being about the dancing but about how I deal with those sorts of people in general and how to limit their contact with myself...

 

[anniep]

My mother thinks it's sleazy and that I should spend my money on something "worthwhile."

 

[Dancebug]

My family member who does dance (and who does dance with me) criticizes about my dancing all the time. Most of time his criticism hurts, especailly when I still get criticism after I did my best. But I am resigned that getting criticism is part of dancing. I think it would be rather easy to handle criticism from someone who does not dance, though. I could just say "thank you for pointing that out," and then I would ignore it, thinking they do not know what they are talking about. But when criticism comes from someone who knows something about dancing, whom I cannot stop bringing to the stuido or competitions when I dance, ignoring will not work.

 

[Wolfgang]

I've been taught (and actually agree....) that criticizing someone else's dancing is completely uncalled for unless, of course, you are the instructor or they specifically asked you for critique.

In my experience, there's almost always something other than the actual dancing behind such unsolicited and off-the-mark critique.

What I personally find especially weird is when a couple all of a sudden stops and one 'explains' something to the other, blocking traffic as they do so.

 

[NonieS]

My family member who does dance (and who does dance with me) criticizes about my dancing all the time. Most of time his criticism hurts, especailly when I still get criticism after I did my best. But I am resigned that getting criticism is part of dancing. I think it would be rather easy to handle criticism from someone who does not dance, though. I could just say "thank you for pointing that out," and then I would ignore it, thinking they do not know what they are talking about. But when criticism comes from someone who knows something about dancing, whom I cannot stop bringing to the stuido or competitions when I dance, ignoring will not work.

My old partner used to criticize and nag me all the times in practice and even on lessons.... it was one of the primary reasons (that and me going to london ) that I stopped dancing with him... it just took the fun out of dancing. In my mind, a partnership is supposed to be more constructive and equal.. not the situation where one is constantly nagging the other to the point that they want to stop dancing altogether.

 

[NonieS]

I've been taught (and actually agree....) that criticizing someone else's dancing is completely uncalled for unless, of course, you are the instructor or they specifically asked you for critique.

In my experience, there's almost always something other than the actual dancing behind such unsolicited and off-the-mark critique.

What I personally find especially weird is when a couple all of a sudden stops and one 'explains' something to the other, blocking traffic as they do so.

I agree... i personally feel uncomfortable giving unsolicited critiques of other dancers (even if they are at a much lower level than me)...I just don't do it lol... I feel way too awkward.

Sometimes, it is helpful to just practice and work on stuff yourself and not have someone constantly reminding you of what you are doing wrong. So, I try to keep that in mind and not pester people with corrections when they are doing their own thing. Generally, the beginners on our team will notice me watching them, and will ask for advice... or they will just come up to me even while I am practicing and ask for help.

 

[flashdance]

My mum has said she thought it 'weird' me starting dancing 4 or 5 years ago. She even commented saying 'why' to my latest fad of wanting to go and do private lessons... I just laughed it off but it actually made me feel awful...
Do tend to take things to heart (that's what you get from eating too many cakes - they make you go soft )

On the otherhand, my dad seems to think it's a good thing...

 

[ChaChaMama]

I have gotten the "Seems like an expensive hobby" comment.

My answer was something like "Yup!"

My feeling is, I'm a pretty financially responsible person. I pay my mortgage, max out my work retirement plan, put $450/mo. in my daughter's 529 college savings plan, put aside enough money to send her to private school, etc. I have life insurance and a will. I have more than the recommended 3-6 months of salary set aside for a rainy day. I give money and/or time to institutions and causes that are important to me.

I think I've earned the right to have some fun. This is my idea of fun.


So even though I heard the concern/criticism, I decided I was okay with it!

 

[tanya_the_dancer]

I have gotten the "Seems like an expensive hobby" comment.

Did anyone in your family ever say anything to you about actual dancing, though?

I think it's more common for relatives to make comments which non-family would never make, i.e. about unflattering fashion choices from their pov, or when you do something that does not look so good.

 

[barrefly]

So, in this case she is the dancer and you are the incompetent family.

yep, Though, she still hasn't laid down the law yet. Perhaps I still may have a few years of incompetent criticism for her, yet.

She was taking a A.T. private yesterday,...and I shouted out something about extension. She snapped her finger at me with a scowl and pointed to me as if to say,....shut your piehole. I scampered out of the room.
I also sent an email of apology to the instructor.