opendoor
Forum Master
Of course! A lot works just with body language!
Are followers in smaller communities pickier?
- Thread starter brujo
- Start date
brujo
Well-Known Member
The problem is that it is harder to say no to a chat-bezeo without it being awkward. It was gently reminded of this when the lady I asked said no and then went on a little rant that it was her pet peeve when the men didn’t do it properly at the milonga as she expected it “don’t come to my friend group and talk and expect me to dance with you”. Granted she was someone I’ve known for years and she later clarified she was joking a bit but at the time it felt very intense and I thought she was incredibly offended. It’s to the point where now I feel a bit obligated to split saying hi to a person and catching up with asking them to dance a bit later with a proper cabezeo.
Thinking back, if she hadn’t mentioned this I would have continued chatting and asking for dances which to some folks would have made me the old creepy dude ( which I probably am but learning to hide it better ).
opendoor
Forum Master
There are no hard rules. It all depends on your social skills. If you present yourself as the lone wolf at a milonga you've never been to, then you also should follow the codigos and cabeceo from the distance. But if you confidently target the integrative soul of the milonga in a fraction of a second and exchange besitos, you'll definitely will have a lot of freedom. I repeat myself, most appreciate openness and don't want regulated role-playing games.
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TTanguero
Forum Master
I've been to some small community milongas, both in the UK and BsAs, but never one where everyone has been sat around a single table!
brujo
Well-Known Member
It’s kinda the opposite where I am in Oregon, where people from a different city will usually either hang out together in a small group where there are no tables, like sit together in a group during an outdoor milonga. Or they will sit together in a table when those actually exist. But I think partly it’s because they all arrive together and put their shoes and stuff in the same spots so they go back to the same spots. Same thing with people that go to the same classes, you arrive together, wait and sit until class or music starts so you naturally just clump together even unconsciously.
We're adults; it's 2025 - and some of us are in Europe. We're not bound by old BsAs códigos - unless we choose to use them. The social system has evolved. Women can say 'no' (politely); women can lead: women can be your boss at work!
The key is to observe what rules are in play, and respect them.
So you're experience of 'small communities', and sometimes the facilities available, is limited. Or you've never danced in a cramped pub.
opendoor
Forum Master
I come exactly from such a community. It was a publicly funded cultural corner shop. There was a bistro, two rooms, and a hall. On Tuesdays, there was tango. About 15 to 20 dancers, mostly Latinos who were also learning German there, sat at the large table in the bistro. If you liked the music, you'd ask someone and go into the hall. Afterward, you'd return to the table for Malbec, chivitos, and empanadas.
brujo
Well-Known Member
Each space still established their own codes. More modern dances like fusion place even more emphasis on consent. For example, I’m more aware and am more inclined to ask for permission to lead, dip or come into a close embrace verbally. Even in dances like bachata I feel I need more verbal permission for closeness compared to what it was ten years ago after dancing in fusion spaces where I’m often surprised when a follower will ask “is it ok if I do a leg wrap?”.
It is definitively different now from early BsAs where you don’t have an aunt standing in front of a female follow or an entire neighborhood worth of guys you need to befriend at a milonga, or a actual person that will throw you out if you run into people too much or try too many high boleos. I think the cabezeo mirada baseline is similar to other agreements like maintaining a line of dance or dancing out entire tandas and are great indicators to a stranger that at least you know some of those rules. It can be bent obviously for your friends or even for beginners that are super hesitant, but I’m not exactly sure how not doing them makes you more adult.
opendoor
Forum Master
My english is too lousy. Please explain!
It doesn't! It's how you, and they, manage the invitation.But the local culture/social system may take precedence. (e.g. very retro! You may need to ask permission to dance with some follower - and thank her partner afterwards). Some don't want to play a retro game; others do. And some are pedantic! As a male lead I'm happy to be invited (verbally) by a female follower. And, sometimes, I am. Cabeceo/mirada can be pretty useless there (see also about the general environment - and, without my glasses, I'm unlikely to spot them).
In a 'small community' these people are often friends, or at least acquaintances. Not so much in a metropolis.
If you become part of the community, it's more informal. As an outsider, sure try cabeceo/mirada - but it might not be in play anyway. The key is to respect what's there. Socialise. Talk to whoever is hosting the group
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opendoor
Forum Master
That!
Regeln können gebogen werden oder Regeln können flexibel gehandhabt werden. Besonders zwischen Freunden oder Anfänger.
ArbeeNYC
Forum Master
Unless you're going as a couple, it's actually very hard to find a regular partner for anything, even prácticas.
brujo
Well-Known Member
The long con, it just took a classmate’s wife 15 years to convince her husband to take a tango class.