Best and worst dance snubs when you ask a lady to dance

[piimapoika]

What gets me with a refusal is not the refusal itself (now that I have learned not to take it personally) but the awkward moment afterwards. It leaves you standing there saying, "Well what do I do now?"

Stroll off in a dignified manner to the bar, men's room, smoking area, etc as if that is what you intended to do all along. Don't ask anyone else for that number, as you will be saying: "I couldn't get the lady I really wanted, so I suppose I'll have to make do with you", thus inviting another refusal.

 

[piimapoika]

3 strikes in general and then you go home? Or 3 strikes per individual and then you stop asking that person for the rest of the day? I've settled upon asking no more than twice. If they've declined two times without offering a raincheck, then they go on the DNA list.

I get the hint after one refusal. After that I would never ask her again, on that night or any other. Unless of course it was phrased as: "I can't do the Boston Twostep/The VW makes me feel sick/I promised this dance to Nigel - ask me again later." The last four words being particularly important. If I am getting more refusals than acceptances, I might consider it is time to go home; but then again I might not.

 

[Dupont]

Stroll off in a dignified manner to the bar, men's room, smoking area, etc as if that is what you intended to do all along. Don't ask anyone else for that number, as you will be saying: "I couldn't get the lady I really wanted, so I suppose I'll have to make do with you", thus inviting another refusal.

Better ask another lady if you would like. In my experience, the outcome of the second asking does not depend on the first being refused. The loss is only the first part of the song.

When a difficult dance is played (Viennese Waltz, Quickstep, Samba), sometimes I go through 2-4 askings to find a doughty partner. (By the fourth attempt, half of the song is gone, which makes the difficult dances slightly easier, doesn't it?). For easy dances (Rumba, Waltz, Swing), I find partners after 1-2 attempts.

 

[tsb]

i've gotten as far as the first page and feel prompted to stop and post. someone may have said this in pages 2-4, but it seems to me that the OP chose to take this personally and view it as a snub and is bothered enough about it to post about it. instead of whether this other person was rude, which the OP can do nothing about, i submit that a more profitable question to ask might be "why does this bother me so much?" and examine the expectations and assumptions behind it. however, that is typically not a fun process.

 

[dbk]

i've gotten as far as the first page and feel prompted to stop and post. someone may have said this in pages 2-4, but it seems to me that the OP chose to take this personally and view it as a snub and is bothered enough about it to post about it. instead of whether this other person was rude, which the OP can do nothing about, i submit that a more profitable question to ask might be "why does this bother me so much?" and examine the expectations and assumptions behind it. however, that is typically not a fun process.

Verrryy much agreed.

Plus, since the discussion has turned to "that awkward moment after" - IMO it's a lot easier and less awkward if you don't take it personally. You look (and feel!) a lot better when you just shrug it off. Even saying something like "ok, maybe some other time" - even if you don't intend to go back and ask, it demonstrates that there's no hard feelings on your end.

 

[stash]

I get the hint after one refusal. After that I would never ask her again, on that night or any other. Unless of course it was phrased as: "I can't do the Boston Twostep/The VW makes me feel sick/I promised this dance to Nigel - ask me again later." The last four words being particularly important. If I am getting more refusals than acceptances, I might consider it is time to go home; but then again I might not.

I don't like this at all. As a follow, there are VERY few people I absolutely refuse to dance with. These reasons include, they hurt me because they tried to lead something and I refused because I don't do certain moves with people I don't know and trust, ie dips, or they are creepy, and I don't feel like I'm obligated in anyway to spend 3-4 minutes of my life and social dancing time with someone who creeps me out.

So if I refuse someone, it's usually because I've danced a lot of dances in a row, that day my feet are hurting more than usual, or I just need a quick water/soda break. Please ask me again though. Maybe not that night if you feel it was personal, but don't stay away forever.

 

[stash]

Mostly agreed, though if you refuse and you would like to be asked again, I think it is important to offer up a reason and give some indication that the refusal is only temporary and not permanent. You can't expect people to keep pursuing you if it's not clear whether you just need a moment or have issued them a blanket rejection.

I very rarely refuse - but I will warn someone if they have asked me to dance something I don't know very well (quickstep, WCS) and I'm not hurt if they change their mind and would rather have a more competent partner, though I can't recall a time that has happened.

Yes, and I usually say, I just need to catch my breath for this song, or I just need a water break currently. I do give reasons, and at least try to convey that it is temporary!

 

[snapdancer]

What I really don't appreciate is the woman who turns you down but offers an excuse that suggests she'll accept a later invitation, when really she's decided that she'll never-ever dance with you because she doesn't like the way you part your hair, you're not a candidate to be the father of her children, or whatever.

Just say "no thank you" and I'll leave you alone.

 

[twnkltoz]

Yes, I think giving a reason is definitely important.

I always have to make a little joke when a guy asks the lady next to me and she declines for whatever reason so he asks me. It's like being the consulate prize...but at least I'm dancing!

 

[freeageless]

What I really don't appreciate is the woman who turns you down but offers an excuse that suggests she'll accept a later invitation, when really she's decided that she'll never-ever dance with you because she doesn't like the way you part your hair, you're not a candidate to be the father of her children, or whatever.

Just say "no thank you" and I'll leave you alone.

I agree with this post. If a woman tells me "no thank you" and says nothing else, I won't ask her again. If she says, "I don't know how to do this dance," I might ask her again for a different dance, or I might not ask her. If she says words to the effect of "no thank you" because "I don't know this dance" but please ask me for a different dance, I will probably ask her again for a different dance.

 

[Cal]

On the few occasions when I go out social dancing, it's rare for me to say no when asked to dance. However, if I do decline, I'll also smile and thank him for asking, or tell him that I'm flattered that he asked, or something like that. I'm usually pretty wary of giving a reason for saying no because, in my experience, that just leads the man to try to "fix" the reason. For instance, if I say that I don't know the dance, he'll tell me not to worry because he'll teach me. (We all know how appealing that is.)

For the men out there - if a woman says that she's flattered to be asked but declines the dance and doesn't give a "reason", do you still write her off? If you decide that you won't ask her again, but then a later time she asks you for a dance, how do you typically respond? Just curious, on my part.

 

[Dupont]

For the men out there - if a woman says that she's flattered to be asked but declines the dance and doesn't give a "reason", do you still write her off?

No. Often, I don't even expect to get a reason, or I am far enough to hear her words, or I look at her for a very short time to listen to a reason if the reason is delayed even slightly. I don't insist on a reason. I don't want to push her to lie to me - there may be a real reason that she does not want to say, like a medical one or dislike of me.

I will try again later. I will stop asking after the second or third attempts. I may make one more attempt months later. In the meantime, she may come to me and tell the reason. Often it is surgery, joint problems, not knowing the dance, expected dizziness, wrong shoes, undue influence of a man on her, extreme tiredness. As of now, women haven't approached to say that they dislike me, which is something I am perhaps supposed to deduce?

If you decide that you won't ask her again, but then a later time she asks you for a dance, how do you typically respond?

As if she hasn't refused, but I will not be too friendly, will not chat, joke, or make her feel too good or have fun. I will invite her rarely, and she will be at the end of the desired ladies' list for a given dance. If she can handle this and will continue to ask me, then the relationship might improve without the first writing-off having an effect.

There is also a small percentage of women, who tend to refuse sometimes (without explanation) and accept sometimes. I call them "unpredictable ones" and gradually stop inviting them. I think they are exercising power that way. They disappear from the dance scene quickly.

But the worst are the beginners. They don't know how to behave, while having heard (or read) this and that. Add to this weak knowledge, improper shoes, perhaps shyness, and you will get a total confusion. Please, those who bring a newbie with them - give them an introduction, even if they are well past childhood age.

 

[Terpsichorean Clod]

For the men out there - if a woman says that she's flattered to be asked but declines the dance and doesn't give a "reason", do you still write her off?

There are a lot of people who say they're flattered even if they don't mean it.

If turned down a second time without an explanation or counterinvitation, I figure she isn't interested in dancing with me. And that's fine. I don't want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with me. I am neither a sadist nor a masochist.

If you decide that you won't ask her again, but then a later time she asks you for a dance, how do you typically respond?

Cheerfully as I would any other dancer.

 

[fascination]

I can't imagine saying I was "flattered" in this day and age...nevermind then declining....I can, on very rare occasion, imagine saying I needed to sit one out but I hope they would ask me in a few or would it be okay if I came and found them...I have to say that if I was turned down without a reason I would probably not have the internal fortitude to try again with that person

 

[Warren J. Dew]

On the few occasions when I go out social dancing, it's rare for me to say no when asked to dance. However, if I do decline, I'll also smile and thank him for asking, or tell him that I'm flattered that he asked, or something like that. I'm usually pretty wary of giving a reason for saying no because, in my experience, that just leads the man to try to "fix" the reason. For instance, if I say that I don't know the dance, he'll tell me not to worry because he'll teach me. (We all know how appealing that is.)

I think that depends on whether the reason seems fixable. For example, if an apparent beginner says they don't know the dance, I may tell them they can just follow if they want, because in my experience, those that accept after that - about half, maybe - usually end up really enjoying the dance. If they tell me they don't like the dance, I know that's not fixable.

For the men out there - if a woman says that she's flattered to be asked but declines the dance and doesn't give a "reason", do you still write her off? If you decide that you won't ask her again, but then a later time she asks you for a dance, how do you typically respond? Just curious, on my part.

I am very unlikely to ask her again later that day. Insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results, and all that.

I won't hold it against her if she asks me later. That just means she's in the minority for whom the refusal actually was for just that dance.