dancefloor romance perils

[quixotedlm]

here goes another thread...
no, i want my own thread. i can't be happy just reading old threads...

so there is someone i'm seeing who is also a dancer. i'm not sure where we are going... Initially, i thought she might be The One and she didn't. Now she is starting to think that I might be The One but I'm convinced that she isn't that ... Also, I'm having relationship blues because I want to go slow, and its a bit fast right now... and there are other little dramas going on....

Some challenges..

i. Every time at a social dance, she is there too... So there is an expectation of an occasional kiss or little intimacy.. I liked it initially, but I'm starting to sense that I want to social dance most of the night and being too mushy with someone is a turnoff for others... and I'd rather not.
ii. Monopolized time at the dance floor - Some nights she wants many dances with me, and other nights, I want many dances with her. But there are night when I want to dance with lots of other poeple who are highly skilled (me - advanced, she - beginner/intermediate) and just dancing with her doesn't cut it...
iii. I want to be open to other people too... we are not in the exclusive zone and don't call ourselves each others bf/gf... wondering how to go about this...
iv. I like to go to dance related events with friends, because that's my way of connecting with them and spending time with them. So I'd like to go out with friends and not have to invite her (or be ok with the possibility that if she is there perchance, we'll say hi, maybe exchange a quick kiss , and go about our own agendas).. Wondering how...

throw your wisdom my way... please

 

[Peaches]

1. You need to be discussing this with her, not with us.
2. Compromise and understanding.
3. Figure out what it is you want. No sense playing the game when you don't even know why you're playing or what you're playing for.

Er...those might not be in the best order. 'T'was just how it ocurred to me.

 

[Sandcastles]

ah.....want your cake and to eat it, too. If you're convinced she's not "the one", then tell her that and let her move on. Otherwise you're just being selfish and leading her on. Now, assuming you haven't slept with her, you should be able to mold the relationship into a wonderful friendship. If you've slept with her, well..... good luck.... it's going to take a while to get things normalized.

 

[SPratt74]

Hmmm... interesting. I'm not sure how to respond. It looks as though you two need a communication break through. I think it needs to be you that talks to her since you already have your plans laid out it seems like. And I'm not sure why you think she thinks that you are the one unless you have had a conversation like this previously in which in that respect tells me that seems to mean for her that you two are definitely in a relationship. If you two had not had any talk along those lines, then there should be no reason why she wouldn't think of this as just dating etc. in which you have to tell her your expectations. You can't expect her to know not to touch you at this time or that time or whatever. Just have a good talk with her and tell her where you stand, and let her tell you where she stands. It might not be that she is even considering marrying you unless like I said you had that talk. Sometimes people assume things just because of how well it is going etc., and that's not really good either without the talk. Good luck!

 

[quixotedlm]

1. You need to be discussing this with her, not with us.

Mmm... I'm the most communicative person I know... - so I know that I'll be having this discussion. That said, its useful to have some brainstorming... that's part of the reason why i'm even talking about it here...

 

[quixotedlm]

ah.....want your cake and to eat it, too.

In what way?

If you're convinced she's not "the one", then tell her that and let her move on. Otherwise you're just being selfish and leading her on.

Remember, I said that the opinions were reversed initially, so maybe continuing to be interested in each other despite that little voice in the back of my head that says that this will eventually end, probably sooner than later, is just something seemingly acceptable to both persons involved. So there is maybe (transparent) selfishnes, but no leading-on (yet).

Now, assuming you haven't slept with her, you should be able to mold the relationship into a wonderful friendship. If you've slept with her, well..... good luck.... it's going to take a while to get things normalized.

Can you remember the last time you went on a second date with someone and didn't sleep with them? (Actually, I can, but that's besides the point). So while I'm not about to open that can of worms on DF (and neither admitting nor denying anything surrounding this topic), all I can say is that you have to assume whatever you want to assume (that you think is reasonable) without directly bringing it up. We in DF tend to be...diplomatic.. about these things... (except when we are shamelessly flirting with one another )

 

[quixotedlm]

It might not be that she is even considering marrying you unless like I said you had that talk. Sometimes people assume things just because of how well it is going etc., and that's not really good either without the talk. Good luck!

Nobody is consdering that... but what is under consideration is the want to start opening up and letting the walls fall because there is a hope that it might be worth the risk of getting hurt in case it turns out to be a bad bet. It's an evaluation of risk, and the conclusion that the potential benefits far outweight the risk of losing the bet.

 

[spectator]

If she's anything like me (as I said before I am the girlfriend trained by satan...) she knows you've gone off the idea of going out with her and that's the attraction... If it was me and suddenly the guy get's all into me I start looking else where. Maybe you should try that?
What's the worse that can happen? You end up in the same position again but you can still try another tack. Mess her around a bit that also tends to do the trick if she's not contrary like me...

Now this is why I never get involved with anyone from dancing or work- why the hell would I want to waste my fun time on them?

 

[dancin/dj]

dude its over move on, u know this already

 

[quixotedlm]

If she's anything like me (as I said before I am the girlfriend trained by satan...) she knows you've gone off the idea of going out with her and that's the attraction... If it was me and suddenly the guy get's all into me I start looking else where. Maybe you should try that?
What's the worse that can happen? You end up in the same position again but you can still try another tack. Mess her around a bit that also tends to do the trick if she's not contrary like me...

Now this is why I never get involved with anyone from dancing or work- why the hell would I want to waste my fun time on them?

Manipulation... is the last-but-one option (the last one involves ripping the heart out and leaving them holding it in their palm, but that kinda feels bad). At this point, I'm still only trying gentler tactics, mostly involving honesty, respect and open communication...

dude its over move on, u know this already

Not sure yet.. but I suspect it's headed that way. The thing about being a nice person is that we try to find the best way move on (esp. if you are the one trying to initiate the moving-on) that keeps hope alive (for the other person) despite causing hurt... time heals hurt, but it takes way too much time (and sometimes, forever is not enough) when hope dies...

 

[spectator]

At this point, I'm still only trying gentler tactics, mostly involving honesty, respect and open communication...

Honesty is never gentle, I have made men cry with honesty. Not being mean, just "No, I don't want to go out with you anymore." see, honesty=tears.

 

[SPratt74]

Nobody is consdering that... but what is under consideration is the want to start opening up and letting the walls fall because there is a hope that it might be worth the risk of getting hurt in case it turns out to be a bad bet. It's an evaluation of risk, and the conclusion that the potential benefits far outweight the risk of losing the bet.

See... I wrote that because you said the following....

so there is someone i'm seeing who is also a dancer. i'm not sure where we are going... Initially, i thought she might be The One and she didn't. Now she is starting to think that I might be The One but I'm convinced that she isn't that ...

And now you are saying that nobody is even considering that? So, why did you say it then???? I'm confused now.

I think though that you just need to talk to her and get it over with. I think that maybe you might be assuming tooo much when it comes to this relationship, and then it all gets confusing when you do this, and it's just not a good idea to let it drag on if you see it going no place. I've done it myself, so I've been guilty, but... as I have experienced myself as well, it only helps to talk about it.

 

[spectator]

You could try the old chesnut:
**** buddies.

If she's not clued up or has any kind of sensitivity, she'll think that if she sleeps with you often enough you'll change your mind and want to go out with her again.

You win all round, sex on tap and you have time to decide whether you actully like er or not. The rest of the time, treat her like trash, it'll keep her on her toes!

I've seen this happen to many of my friends, works like a dream.

 

[quixotedlm]

See... I wrote that because you said the following....

And now you are saying that nobody is even considering that? So, why did you say it then???? I'm confused now.

a. Because details get lost in an attempt to be brief..
b. Maybe because I suck at communicating precisely?

What I meant to say was that initially, I had a strong hope (based on lots of evidence) that it might be interesting to explore if she is the one.. and now i'm starting to understand that she is unlikley to be that... initially she was not sure about that (but came on board anyway because she was ok with living in the moment), but is starting to feel like she wants to open up with me more (based on evidence she has now) and wants to continue exploring if i might be the one.. makes sense?

I think though that you just need to talk to her and get it over with. I think that maybe you might be assuming tooo much when it comes to this relationship, and then it all gets confusing when you do this...

yes.. you are right.

 

[SPratt74]

Manipulation... is the last-but-one option (the last one involves ripping the heart out and leaving them holding it in their palm, but that kinda feels bad). At this point, I'm still only trying gentler tactics, mostly involving honesty, respect and open communication...

Manipulation is never a good idea in my opinion.

Not sure yet.. but I suspect it's headed that way. The thing about being a nice person is that we try to find the best way move on (esp. if you are the one trying to initiate the moving-on) that keeps hope alive (for the other person) despite causing hurt... time heals hurt, but it takes way too much time (and sometimes, forever is not enough) when hope dies...

You aren't sure about this yet, but you are trying to move on? I'd say move on already. From what it sounds like in your posts, you don't want to be in this type of relationship any more. And if you want to keep the hope alive for the other person, that's only leading her on. And if you two haven't been dating that long, I'm sure it probably won't be that hard on her. But if you keep up this game, then it might. It's just best to get out now and to be done with it in my opinion.