Dancing With Boa Constrictors - Close Embrace Gone Terribly Wrong

[dchester]

I guess I'm really puzzled by some of the responses. Almost certainly, the guy has no clue that he's causing a problem. Why wouldn't you just whisper in his ear, "Your right arm is too tight", or something like that.

 

[tangobro]

I think this is a two-part topic.

1.
I was hoping some dancers here had some tips on how to dance comfortably with a man who squeezes the breath out of you. It can be extremely uncomfortable on the lower back, particularly if he is keeping his weight too far back, or taking long, heavy, or irregular steps. It is also very difficult to avoid being stepped on if he makes a mistake, because I simply have nowhere to go. In short, I am left with a backache and ruined nylons. I push away – He squeezes tighter. Push, pull, push, pull... Tighter, tighter, tighter…

2.
I would also appreciate some advice on how to convince a dancer that Argentine instructors are not infallible, or to at least convince them that they misunderstood their instructors. This is related to the first problem. It seems that several men in this area who have studied from Argentine instructors exhibit absolutely zero change in their dancing, except for an extremely uncomfortable vice-grip coupled with insisting on pressing the sweaty forehead against the woman’s. Any other past bad habits (not being square to the partner, rushing their dancing, weight back into heels, poor balance, etc.) are still present. I have an incredibly difficult time believing all Argentine instructors are going to ignore the needs of each individual man and only teach them to squeeze the women to death.


Thank you for your advice.

!- tell him you are uncomfortable, tell him why.
2 - tell him you are uncomfortable, tell him why.

I am REALLY bad at taking hints, but this works for me.

 

[bastet]

I guess I'm really puzzled by some of the responses. Almost certainly, the guy has no clue that he's causing a problem. Why wouldn't you just whisper in his ear, "Your right arm is too tight", or something like that.

i've tried that with people in a class setting...it almost always seems to take actual reprogramming of muscles and won't happen at once.

In a milonga I tend to just avoid the situation altogether if possible.

 

[Zoopsia59]

I guess I'm really puzzled by some of the responses. Almost certainly, the guy has no clue that he's causing a problem. Why wouldn't you just whisper in his ear, "Your right arm is too tight", or something like that.

My impression is that these guys think they have been taught that and that it is correct. If their fancy Argentine teacher "told them that" and some random follower "corrects" it, who do you think they will listen to?

Not every leader is as open minded and eager for feedback as you (God bless you... I hope we get to dance sometime!) Many leaders are extrememly defensive about taking input from the follower unless she has the reputation in the community that makes him feel he should heed what she says. In fact, I'll wager every follower here has been "corrected" by leaders who are actually the one creating the problem.

Not saying this doesn't all happen in reverse too, but if you did a poll of followers, you may find that in their experience, saying something directly typically either doesn't change anything or is not received well. I'm all in favor of ways that allow the other person to save face, which is why I came up with solution #2 in my post. Asking him to loosen his grip in a way that doesn't chastise, correct or in some way make him wrong gets a better reception and a more cooperative partner and therefore a more pleasant experience for everyone. (I'm referring to social dancing, not pratices.. hopefully in practice settings you are expecting to work it out TOGETHER, but sadly even then that's not always the case. The people who most need to take input are often the ones most resistant to it)

People on this forum are here because they want to learn and also get into the nitty gritty. The leaders here are not representative of leaders in general I don't think. Followers? Your thoughts?

 

[Peaches]

i've tried that with people in a class setting...it almost always seems to take actual reprogramming of muscles and won't happen at once.

In a milonga I tend to just avoid the situation altogether if possible.

This also tends to run smack into the general rule if etiquett thumb that you don't criticise or critique your partners on a social dance floor, unless they're hurting you.

 

[bastet]

This also tends to run smack into the general rule if etiquett thumb that you don't criticise or critique your partners on a social dance floor, unless they're hurting you.

hurting me usually leads to me excusing myself...

I really really don't tend to ask for something when I dance socially. The few times I have tried, it has blown up in my face and been very uncomfortable.

 

[Dave Bailey]

My impression is that these guys think they have been taught that and that it is correct. If their fancy Argentine teacher "told them that" and some random follower "corrects" it, who do you think they will listen to?

So the answer's the same answer as for any other dangerous / painful habit:

• If in a milonga, don't dance with them
• If in a practica, try to work on it with them. If they refuse to acknowledge it, then ask the teacher. If the teacher doesn't recognise the problem, change teacher.

 

[Joe]

OK, how about you feign fainting (heh) and say, "I'm sorry, I must have fainted because I couldn't breathe from your arm squeezing me so tight!"

 

[dchester]

Not every leader is as open minded and eager for feedback as you (God bless you... I hope we get to dance sometime!)

 

[larrynla]

stupid to suffer in silence

Tango is like any other activity: you have to tell people when you don't like something. There are tactful ways and ones less so, but you're an idiot or a wimp if you suffer in silence.

Laer Carroll - ShapechangerTales.com

 

[Peaches]

See sig line.