Dating with Your SO

[Dancebug]

Since we started to compete, my partner who is also my H and I have rarely gone out to date. Basically we spend all our free time on taking lessons or practicing, and we don’t have any time left for dating. I remember we used to go to movies, parks, festivals, or even shopping malls while we were social dancers. Now we have not done anything of those things for ages.

Before we married, I was told it was very important for a married couple to make time for dating so that they could nurture the relationship, and I thought that was what we were going to. And I feel we do need more of nurturing time especially because we spend a lot of time bickering and arguing about dancing and that we need to clean the air. But there is only so much time in a day. Making time for dating is such a challenge. I don’t know if it counts as dating, but eating out seems to be the only time we do something similar to dating.

How about those of you who compete with your SO? Do you date? How do you make time? What do you do for dating?

 

[fascination]

make it(time together not dancing) a hard and fast unbreakable time slot...no exceptions...do it

 

[yanka]

We go out to dinner at least once a week. We also watch certain TV shows together. Those are the official things we make time for.
We have a regular dance practice schedule worked out so we know what nights we can hang out together and what nights are dance nights.

 

[reb]

We actively compete in 14 dances about twice a month, plus lessons, practice, etc. We are both consultants so we are often apart. We try to make a little time for events (Kirov ballet's Swan Lake' the previous weekend), family (sister was in town at mom's this weekend), walks to restaurants for brunch or dinner (where I get two man-credits in one for these!). We keep these things short and often excuse ourselves early. We never seem to be able to do all we want to do in any of these areas of life, but we make an attempt to do a little here and a little there and enjoy the sum total over time. We also depend heavily on separate lessons and separate practice in order to make it work.

 

[DancePoet]

The SO and I don't compete currently, however we might.

Either way, we set aside time for dancing, and we set aside time for other types of dates, too. We spend time shopping together. We go to movies. We go out to eat sometimes, while other times we make special dinners to enjoy with wine. We even enjoy nights at home without having to go out to enjoy a "date" with eachother. We also find time to have one on one conversations with each other; sometimes while we are driving, sometimes in the middle of the day during lunch hour, sometimes in the early hours of the day before getting up or while we shower.

 

[motardmom]

At the risk of airing out a WHOLE LOT of dirty laundry.....

You need to make time to be with each other in a positive situation that you will both enjoy and will uplift and strengthen you both. Does dating do that for you? If yes, then you MUST make time to do it. Does eating out together do that for you? If yes, you MUST make time to do it. Does dancing do this for you... you get my drift. If dance USED to do this for you and now it does not, then you MUST STOP competing and get back to when dance was fun for you both. From your post it sounds like dance used to bring you together and now it is a source of conflict. CUT IT OUT.

I know of what I speak. I'm recently divorced. Eating out/dating didn't help my marriage. We dated every Saturday night for 7 years. I think we missed 2 Saturday nights when one of us was too ill to go out. What would have helped us was some *regular* time together doing something that we were both passionate about. A whole lot more honesty would have been *very* helpful. And I believe that a couple needs to work together towards a common goal. Your competitive dance could fit into this category, but not if you are constantly bickering about it. Time apart is also important... Eh... I'll stop..... lol

 

[pygmalion]

I never did the date thing with the ex. Because he either refused (a good many times) or just didn't get why it was important (most of the time.) I instinctively knew it was important for me. But hey. You can't control anybody but yourself.

My take? (In retrospect and in the wake of a failed relationship ) Dating is important. But only because, for some couples, it creates an alone, just-us, space in the world. Whether you have actual "date nights" doesn't really matter all that much, IMHO. That you have time alone to just be a couple and remember why you fell in love? Super important.

Again. Just my HO. And I agree with MTM. Dancing could be just fine as a date night. But not if it's the source of lots of bickering. If it's the source of mutual enjoyment, laughter, romance, then yeah. Dancing works just fine as a date night. Otherwise, renew that golf club membership (or whatever.) Just my $0.02.

 

[fascination]

yea...as long as you both want to dance...and I also agree it doesn't need to be official as far as dating...in my own experience however...and in what I see with others regarding things like getting into a workout routine...if you don't schedule it hard and fast, at least at first, it is too easy to let slide and then you DO miss that time that nurtures the relationship

 

[WorksForShoes]

It sounds like you miss these non-dance activities, and that is understandable. It is so easy to get wrapped up in dancing, no matter how fun it is, that you lose track of the other things you used to enjoy. A couple of weeks ago, I was practically giddy to go to a mall with DH, it had been so long. Of course, we were looking for supplies for our Halloween costumes for the studio party....

I think it is just as others have said -- you make a commitment to doing these other things. Just remind DH, "we used to do X, and I really enjoyed it and miss it now. Can we put it on the calendar." Then hold each other to it.

Also, decide if dancing events fulfill any of your need for that special alone time. For us, a social dance will do the trick because we leave worries about technique at the door (for the most part) and concentrate on each other. Dinner before is nice too. But if all we did for fun was dance, well, it probably wouldn't be fun forever...

 

[caityrosey]

Finding time for just us is a challenge. During the week after work I am busy almost every night with a combination of dance lesson/dance practice/school/homework.

I agree that date nights are important. And so are other little things. I know DH appreciates the calls on nights when I have class, occasional emails during a busy or hard day, and the back rubs he gets while we watch old episodes of Batman. Those things, kept up consistently, can make up for long stretches when we aren't able to spend a lot of quality time together.