Dealing With Partners That Get Rough

Phil Owl

Phil Owl

Well-Known Member
Not a real frequent occurrence with me by any stretch, but man, sometimes I just wonder, how do you tactfully tell someone that they're using excessive force while dancing with you.

What triggered this was a couple dances from this past weekend with the same woman, very enthusiastic by OMG she was out of control in spots, nearly ripped my left hand little finger out of its socket while she was spinning. :eek::x I didn't go off at her, but I let her know that hurt but I get the impression it didn't quite register with her.

I doubt if I'll ask her to dance again, Any advice, tips or the like are welcome.
 
I doubt it is worth discussing in that it may either be part of her personality or where she currently is in her dance journey...am not sure how you do that or if it is wise...but I would be open to the possibility that she may eventually chill...I know that when I was a farily new to competing I went through a period where I thought that in order to look really good I had to do everything full out...I suspect that it didn't help my prospects at socials...but I imagine that, at that stage I would have been mortified if someone had been injured or offended by my over enthusiasm
 
I hear this question a lot more from girls than I hear it from guys and I'm glad you asked it because it is a wake up call for the girls. The easiest solution is to not ask her to dance again. While I am a strong advocate that "social" means we dance with many people at a dance, it also means we are respectful of one another. If you told her it was painful and she was oblivious to your comments, your own dignity as a human being gives you the right to protect yourself. If she asks why, be honest and respectful, but tell her why. I am an old dancer and well aware that repeatedly dancing with partners that hurt when you are dancing will cause injuries that may not show up until later in life. Rotator cuff injuries are one of the most common. Too many guys suffer in silence and pay for it later. I don't have the full story here, so what I've offered is a thought based on what I've heard. The fact that you asked, indicates you are a nice guy and I think you will find your way through this. My personality tends to be a rather direct when I deal with issues like this. Your personality will have it's own flair. Best of luck.
 
Not dance with them again, or at least not outside of a lesson context with its invitation to address the problems at their source.
 
I find it helps me most if the guy gives me a specific direction. "Ouch, that hurt" can be kind of vague, but "Please loosen your grip on my hand" is a lot more helpful.

I agree with fascination. When I was new I tended to get a bit "enthusiastic" myself, and I still sometimes hold my partners' hands too tight especially if I'm dancing with a weak lead.
 
right...so my main thing is; while no one should have to offer themselves up as a scarifice and risk injury, do keep in the back of your mind that that particular woman may grow out of her current habits
 
If when dancing with them, avoid any moves that will end up hurting you. As a leader, you can control what figures you do. If everything about their weight is wrong and ripping your arms out, send them out into a free spin and kill time that way.

I would thank them for the dance and if they ask you again, just politely say that you want to spread yourself out to the other women. Then avoid her for the rest of the night.
 
fascination said:
right...so my main thing is; while no one should have to offer themselves up as a scarifice and risk injury, do keep in the back of your mind that that particular woman may grow out of her current habits
Click to expand...

I agree with you that people grow and learn. I expect she will to and I hope she becomes a glorious dancer. It sounds as if she has the enthusiasm for it. I honestly believe that most people do get past some of their earlier errors sometimes very quickly. Is it me, or is it getting harder for people to look one another in the eye and talk honestly with one another? I have only run into a few people who really did not care if someone they were dancing with got hurt or not. But most do. As a teacher, I am in a different role, than a student. It's my job to be matter of fact and say, "Ladies, do not hang onto the gentlemans fingers. It will break it. Do not expect them to carry you around the floor. Learn to stand up and have fun." If a lady is doing something that hurts, it seems to me that one should be able to say, "uh, when you hang onto my finger it hurts me, let's try it like this and see what happens." I believe the motivation is to not want to hurt someones feelings at the moment, but what will happen to her when she's hurt a lot of guys and no one will dance with her at all? I once got dressed in a hurry and ran out with my shirt on inside out. As I scrambled through the day in a rush, no one mentioned it to me. I think they were all kind people who did not want to embarrass me. I got to work and my partner looked at me and laughed. "Go look in the mirror" he said. I immediate play slapped him on the side of the head and changed my shirt. We still laugh at it, but he saved me from teaching a class with my shirt inside out. When I think about it, I wonder if people really did not want to embarrass me or if they were afraid of my reaction when they told me. I don't know. It's a shame these things have to be so tough.
 
I think you make an excellent point Linda...but I would note two important distinctions...1)as a teacher, people expect to get corrected by a teacher...in a social setting , I have found that many persons are so unaccustomed to lovingkindness that they cannot take even the slightest comment/correction/criticism, however well-intended, without having it be a crisis and a threat...yes, there are some mature folks...but I would be sure I knew who I was dealing with before I was candid with someone....

2) the person who was candid with about your shirt was your friend...they were in a low risk scenario to be candid with you...being candid with a virtual stranger is an entirely different thing...IMV...

I agree that one SHOULD be able to have a civil non-threatening candid conversation with a stranger/or virtual stranger/or peripheral social acquaintance...but I don't know that it is any longer always a realistic perspective...and yes, it is a shame...but I have found that lots of folks nowadays don't even want that sort of candor from their friends...they profess that they do...but not so much
 
Linda J Schlensker said:
I hear this question a lot more from girls than I hear it from guys and I'm glad you asked it because it is a wake up call for the girls. The easiest solution is to not ask her to dance again. While I am a strong advocate that "social" means we dance with many people at a dance, it also means we are respectful of one another. If you told her it was painful and she was oblivious to your comments, your own dignity as a human being gives you the right to protect yourself. If she asks why, be honest and respectful, but tell her why. I am an old dancer and well aware that repeatedly dancing with partners that hurt when you are dancing will cause injuries that may not show up until later in life. Rotator cuff injuries are one of the most common. Too many guys suffer in silence and pay for it later. I don't have the full story here, so what I've offered is a thought based on what I've heard. The fact that you asked, indicates you are a nice guy and I think you will find your way through this. My personality tends to be a rather direct when I deal with issues like this. Your personality will have it's own flair. Best of luck.
Click to expand...

Thank you Linda!
 
The roughest girls I have seen is actually the most ensthusiastic ones.

How about just saying 'Hey, can we try a lighter/looser hold ? It will make it easier for me to lead you !'
 
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