Family abuse
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motardmom
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In the last area we lived, I was personally involved with a few kids who were abused to varying degrees. (Different families, different types of abuse, but all messed up situations.)
How I handled it was on a case by case basis. One girl just wanted an adult woman to be her friend. Her mom walked out on her family a long time before and she had never had a stable woman in her life. Additionally, there was abuse happening, I'm certain. She never came right and accused her abuser to me and I never really had any concrete evidence that she was being abused so I didn't feel like I was in a position to do anything about it legally. But I did have strong suspicion of what was going on and that it was actually happening to her on a fairly regular basis. Another girl actually was walking past my house barefooted and I brought her inside and called someone who could help straighten out the situation. She chose to stay at my house for a few hours that night, I fed her dinner and took care of her until the situation was diffused enough that she felt comfortable going home. I was friends with her mom and did what I could thru that friendship, but I always felt like there was only so much I could do. I mean, I'm not a social worker, I'm not a cop... All I can do is be supportive and try to keep a positive friendship going on so that they don't slam the door in my face too. I felt a bit of responsibility where I had the information that I did to kind of keep tabs (particularly where these girls were seeking me out) in case something really bad started to happen. I wanted them to feel safe at my house if they needed someplace to go in a hurry.
There were also a few other families I knew of where neglect was going on and in those cases, I tried to befriend the kids, but more than that, I tried to befriend the moms. (In the neglect cases, it was pretty much 100% single-family households where mom was busting her butt to make a living and other responsibilities were getting lost in the shuffle.) I tried to support them emotionally, but again, there's only so much I can do as a friend. Sometimes I'd have the kids hang out with me for a while, but I couldn't really be a doormat either. I'm not a free babysitter.
Knowing about abuse is a difficult place to be. But I never felt like I could just turn my back and pretend it wasn't happening. I have kids, and it ripped my heart out to think of what if's... What if my kids had ended up in a different household with different parents... without feeling loved....? I just wanted them to experience a little love, and a little bit of "normal" (well, if you can call me normal, ROFL!!! :bouncy: )
How I handled it was on a case by case basis. One girl just wanted an adult woman to be her friend. Her mom walked out on her family a long time before and she had never had a stable woman in her life. Additionally, there was abuse happening, I'm certain. She never came right and accused her abuser to me and I never really had any concrete evidence that she was being abused so I didn't feel like I was in a position to do anything about it legally. But I did have strong suspicion of what was going on and that it was actually happening to her on a fairly regular basis. Another girl actually was walking past my house barefooted and I brought her inside and called someone who could help straighten out the situation. She chose to stay at my house for a few hours that night, I fed her dinner and took care of her until the situation was diffused enough that she felt comfortable going home. I was friends with her mom and did what I could thru that friendship, but I always felt like there was only so much I could do. I mean, I'm not a social worker, I'm not a cop... All I can do is be supportive and try to keep a positive friendship going on so that they don't slam the door in my face too. I felt a bit of responsibility where I had the information that I did to kind of keep tabs (particularly where these girls were seeking me out) in case something really bad started to happen. I wanted them to feel safe at my house if they needed someplace to go in a hurry.
There were also a few other families I knew of where neglect was going on and in those cases, I tried to befriend the kids, but more than that, I tried to befriend the moms. (In the neglect cases, it was pretty much 100% single-family households where mom was busting her butt to make a living and other responsibilities were getting lost in the shuffle.) I tried to support them emotionally, but again, there's only so much I can do as a friend. Sometimes I'd have the kids hang out with me for a while, but I couldn't really be a doormat either. I'm not a free babysitter.
Knowing about abuse is a difficult place to be. But I never felt like I could just turn my back and pretend it wasn't happening. I have kids, and it ripped my heart out to think of what if's... What if my kids had ended up in a different household with different parents... without feeling loved....? I just wanted them to experience a little love, and a little bit of "normal" (well, if you can call me normal, ROFL!!! :bouncy: )
I just found this website with information about recognizing signs of physical abuse, and which gives suggestions of how to help and support people who are being abused.
http://endabuse.org/programs/display.php3?DocID=9910
Just a couple things I'd note. This website assumes that the abused person is female and the abuser male. That's a common stereotype, and not quite true. I've seen the statistics somewhere (I'll google them later) but a significant percentage of abuse victims are male, and they're in an even worse position, because society ostracizes them for admitting to being battered by a woman.
And two. Not all abuse is physical. There's a huge continuum (yep. There's that word again, Sabor :wink: What can I say? I like the way it flows.) Oh yeah. A huge continuum of abusive behaviors, and many people endure emotional abuse for a long time before/without ever being battered. Some emotionally abusive relationships can last a very long time before the victim realizes that what's happening is not normal. :?
http://endabuse.org/programs/display.php3?DocID=9910
Just a couple things I'd note. This website assumes that the abused person is female and the abuser male. That's a common stereotype, and not quite true. I've seen the statistics somewhere (I'll google them later) but a significant percentage of abuse victims are male, and they're in an even worse position, because society ostracizes them for admitting to being battered by a woman.
And two. Not all abuse is physical. There's a huge continuum (yep. There's that word again, Sabor :wink: What can I say? I like the way it flows.) Oh yeah. A huge continuum of abusive behaviors, and many people endure emotional abuse for a long time before/without ever being battered. Some emotionally abusive relationships can last a very long time before the victim realizes that what's happening is not normal. :?
Sorry. This website design is kinda cheesy, IMO, but the data's there. And I promised data, so here goes.
According to a 2000 study by the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1.5 million women and ... get this ... 834,000 men are battered annually (US statistics.) Hmm.
And there are other statistics on that site, as well. (Too bad the web design is so ... oh well. :? )
According to a 2000 study by the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1.5 million women and ... get this ... 834,000 men are battered annually (US statistics.) Hmm.
And there are other statistics on that site, as well. (Too bad the web design is so ... oh well. :? )
Hmmm...
One of the cases I know is my aunt...
She got married when she was young with this guy, very attractive, but he loved to play cards and drink and sleep around... the situation was worsening every minute, as he was beating her... I remember her thighs... always blue... he was bringing home prostitutes and throuwing her out! And the house was hers! :shock: :shock:
Whenever she came home without announcing him, she would find a woman there, wearing her clothes and slippers... and he would beat her for not having called before!
Let me tell you, she was a beautiful woman, with some education (nurse) and an income and a job and a house... she left him once and went to her parents... and my Grandfather (may he rest in peace!) told her to go back to her husband as "nobody gets a divorce in our family! This is outrageous! You chose him, now live with him!"
She finally got a divorce after 14 years of marriage...
One of the cases I know is my aunt...
She got married when she was young with this guy, very attractive, but he loved to play cards and drink and sleep around... the situation was worsening every minute, as he was beating her... I remember her thighs... always blue... he was bringing home prostitutes and throuwing her out! And the house was hers! :shock: :shock:
Whenever she came home without announcing him, she would find a woman there, wearing her clothes and slippers... and he would beat her for not having called before!
Let me tell you, she was a beautiful woman, with some education (nurse) and an income and a job and a house... she left him once and went to her parents... and my Grandfather (may he rest in peace!) told her to go back to her husband as "nobody gets a divorce in our family! This is outrageous! You chose him, now live with him!"
She finally got a divorce after 14 years of marriage...
There's been a lot written on the psychology of abuse. Guess I'll have to google it. But people stay in abusive situations for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that their psychology gets damaged through the process of being abused. 
Lots of articles to support that. I guess I'll have to dig up one or two. 8)
Lots of articles to support that. I guess I'll have to dig up one or two. 8)
It it difficult for Americans to understand such culture, that is for sure. But my SO is from the former Yugoslavia (Montenagro, to be specific) and divorce is a very big deal to them. The fact that I am divorced has made some waves in my relationship with her as well. Fortunately she met my ex, and saw right away that she is a very abusive person. That helped a lot.
That case is extreme, and inexcuseable but when you add the cultural view of divorce to a passive personality (which I don't mean as an insult) then it becomes more understandable.
Good for her for having the stregnth to finally get out.
Joe, I respectfully disagree. Getting caught in an abusive relationship is not the fault of the one being abused. Their only guilt may very well be that they stayed in the relationship and tried to make it work.
That case is extreme, and inexcuseable but when you add the cultural view of divorce to a passive personality (which I don't mean as an insult) then it becomes more understandable.
Good for her for having the stregnth to finally get out.
Joe, I respectfully disagree. Getting caught in an abusive relationship is not the fault of the one being abused. Their only guilt may very well be that they stayed in the relationship and tried to make it work.