Flirting - strange sport in wrong context

[Lucretia]

I guess I never been good at flirting. As a teenager I needed spectacles but never used them public. I could never see any guys trying to catch my eyes. If I had my glasses on - I felt like there was a fence between me and the beautiful eyes I meet. I felt “unsexy” and hid myself from eye contact.

Later I got lenses and at age 35+ I started to like that sport - flirting. But then I was married and couldn't follow my instincts so to speak.

Now to the real subject. This happened to me last week....

We had a three hour long meeting at work. All 13 people belong to my team and we have worked together for one year. Many of these people are very technical and analytic. They are very hard to "communicate" with. I have had a very hard time to get to now some of the guys - yes all except for me and one more girl are male.

The lad I have the hardest time to get to now and to speak with started up a flirt :shock: . He sat right over the table and he catched my eye again and again. First I was so surprised that I thought it must be a mistake. When I was sure about his acting I made sure to him that I had seen him with a friendly frown. Then I turned my attention to the speaker and avoided any more contact. It was hard since his eyes were there all the time. Again and again....

Now I’m very puzzled. I need to cooperate with this guy – we have projects together in the future. But I’m really suspicious about his attentions. Could it has been a nice way to spicy up a boring meeting? Or is there something more….

He has made a similar thing once at a party but since we both had been drinking a lot of whiskey I didn’t pay any real attention. This way of behaving is somewhat more normal at a party than at work.

After that party I tried however to “open up to him” and speak about my family, my kids and my husband. I have found this trick is working pretty fine when you suspect that someone has taken interest in me. If they understand that I have a happy marriage they always back off.

But this trick does not work at all with this guy. We cannot have an ordinary chat – either he says nothing or he is saying something that makes me feel bad. Like if I complain about something – he says it is my own fault. End of communication. Yes of course it could be true what he says – but there is no give – give situation. He mostly tries to knock my head off as soon as possible.

Why do I bother?…..he makes me feel so insecure. My ordinary trick does not work. I need him as a colleague. I want to reach his better half – I know there is one since my colleagues like him.

What do you think?


/Luc

 

[samina]

don't try so hard... be professional & normal-friendly, and let the rest fall where it's gonna fall.

sometimes trying so hard makes a bigger deal out of it than it really is...

 

[Lucretia]

don't try so hard... be professional & normal-friendly, and let the rest fall where it's gonna fall.

sometimes trying so hard makes a bigger deal out of it than it really is...

Yes that is true. That worked fine last time (after the whiskey) and I thought he had gotten the message. Not by speaking an getting to now him which I found out didn´t work. Instead I stayed out of the way - avoided contact as long as possible. And I was as formal as possible when we had to meet.

But after this meeting :shock:
It was of course a bit flattering (I did look great that day).....but so queer....In front of the boss and all other collegues....

/Luc

 

[samina]

sometimes it's hard to get to know someone you're close to, much less a dance acquaintance... the sort of natural chemistry you have with this guy may simply not be one where you're on the same wavelength, or may be the cause of the tension you feel.

my suggestion is to try to make peace with that and release it as a concern of yours... it may never improve eventually but cease to feel like a problem. or it could shift... who knows? but i don't think you'll figure this one out by over-analyzing.

 

[waltzgirl]

His behavior toward you sounds like a 10 year old boy around a girl he likes but doesn't know what to do with! I would just pretend it isn't happening, treat him in a friendly but slightly distant way, and don't make any more effort to get to know him other than what you need to discuss for work.

 

[SPratt74]

It could be that since he knows that you are married, he doesn't want you thinking anything more of what happened. You two just had a good time with what happened and that was the end of the story on his side. And it could be that since he's not like what you are used to, you are now drawn to him, and he sees it, and doesn't want to come between you and your husband. So, I mean anything is possible. If it gets to uncomfortable though, you might want to try talking to him.

 

[Lucretia]

His behavior toward you sounds like a 10 year old boy around a girl he likes but doesn't know what to do with!

That is so true. I have thought this many times....I think one of the problems are his lack of self-confidence. He has to prove himself to be a real man by always knowing the best and getting the thing he points at (when he choose to point) All he does is making me run away. I cannot manage these kind of men.

When he doesn't chose to point - he cannot manage himself to behave in a ordinary friendly way. I gues one of his problems is beeing to focused on the current goal. No matter if it is work or flirt.

sometimes it's hard to get to know someone you're close to, much less a dance acquaintance... the sort of natural chemistry you have with this guy may simply not be one where you're on the same wavelength, or may be the cause of the tension you feel.

The bad thing is that there is one chemistry when communicating at work for example....and one other more physical. I need think a bit about this.....

my suggestion is to try to make peace with that and release it as a concern of yours... it may never improve eventually but cease to feel like a problem. or it could shift... who knows? but i don't think you'll figure this one out by over-analyzing.

True

/Luc

 

[quixotedlm]

His behavior toward you sounds like a 10 year old boy around a girl he likes but doesn't know what to do with! I would just pretend it isn't happening, treat him in a friendly but slightly distant way, and don't make any more effort to get to know him other than what you need to discuss for work.

It's not a 10-year boy type of behavior, or childishly expressed behavior. Many adults do this and it's common. So stop thinking that he is somehow less capable of making advances.

That said, if that's all he is doing (staring), he likely knows not to do anythign more. Or maybe he is looking for an office fling. could be fun if you go for it, but make sure that you talk about the scope, extent and tenure of the said fling first

 

[Sagitta]

yuck. I would ignore such an individual's advances and simply act professional towards him/her.

 

[quixotedlm]

yuck. I would ignore such an individual's advances and simply act professional towards him/her.

sounds like 'sour grapes'. i bet you never had office-fling advances, so you are jealous

 

[samina]

sounds to me more like sadge has some clear boundaries, knows what he wants, respects his choices, and doesn't act outside those parameters...

 

[Lucretia]

So stop thinking that he is somehow less capable of making advances.

That said, if that's all he is doing (staring), he likely knows not to do anythign more. Or maybe he is looking for an office fling. could be fun if you go for it, but make sure that you talk about the scope, extent and tenure of the said fling first

He is definitely capapble of doing more advanced advances.....but last time he backed off. I guess he knew I would turn him down if he continued. (This was a at conference....everything set up for a tet-a-tet. Lots of whiskey too.)

So now I'm a bit wondering about what kind of "office -fling" he is looking for. A innocent one is not what I believe....

Until now I have never said no to any office fling. I find them refresching and fun. But this time it is different because a office-fling might complicate my work. And I cannot communicate with him. And I guess this is one of the keys to his great interest in me. I'm different to what he is used to. Former truck driver becoming telecom specialist meeting over educated system developer & communicator with a salsa lifestyle & dresscode. I guess he believes I come from another planet.

/luc

 

[bjp22tango]

He is definitely capapble of doing more advanced advances.....but last time he backed off. I guess he knew I would turn him down if he continued. (This was a at conference....everything set up for a tet-a-tet. Lots of whiskey too.)

So now I'm a bit wondering about what kind of "office -fling" he is looking for. A innocent one is not what I believe....

Until now I have never said no to any office fling. I find them refresching and fun. But this time it is different because a office-fling might complicate my work... /luc

Lucretia, I'm not sure but I think we might be miscommunicating the difference between "flirting" and "flling". I think English is not your first language, right?

From what you have said above, it looks like you are contradicting yourself, but what I think you are saying is that you don't mind flirting with someone if they keep it within boundaries and don't try to take it too seriously.

When Americans hear the term Office Fling it usually means an extra-marital affair between co-workers. (At least it does to me. If you aren't married you're just dating/having a relationship with a co-worker.) Which is why Sagitta said Yuck!

I would have to agree with the majority and say just keep your relationship business-like. Whether he is trying to flirt, engage you in an affair, sabatoge your work on the project, or any other motive he might have, it doesn't sound like anything you need to get involved in.

 

[Shooshoo]

I very much agree with bjp22tango.

I think it's best not to mix work and personal issues. Just be as profressional as possible (since you have no feelings for him and you know better) and don't even think about how he feels.

I like you bjp22tango and sagitta .

 

[Lucretia]

When Americans hear the term Office Fling it usually means an extra-marital affair between co-workers. (At least it does to me. If you aren't married you're just dating/having a relationship with a co-worker.)

Sorry....you are right about my misunderstanding. I don't mind a flirt ....but I do mind a fling.

In Sweden there is a word similar to Office fling an that is called "kontors flirt" (translated to office flirt) that is something pretty innocent (mosty anyhow). It is more like a dance-crush than a fling.

Do anyone know where I can find a dictionary for spoken-american/english-english. I mean that kind of language you do not learn at school... we call it "slang".

/luc