Gracefully Telling Beginners That I'm Not a Teacher

[Generalist]

Lately I have had an upsurge in the number of ladies that ask me to be an instructor. It's almost the inverse of the problem mentioned in the thread about asking dancefloor teachers to stop.

Here are two common examples:

Me: Would you like to dance this waltz?

Her: Yes, but I don't know how. Can you teach me?

or, a second scenario:

Me: Would you like to dance this waltz?

Her: Yes!

Me: Takes lady out to the floor. Tries to do one basic step like a waltz box but the lady has no idea what foot to step on, and I'm afraid I'll step on her feet.

Her: I haven't danced for twenty years. Could you teach me this dance? Or, she says: This is the first time I have tried this dance so could you teach me how to do it?

The second scenario is worse because the lady has me captive on the floor, but the first one is bad enough because I have to decide whether to turn her down or to go out there on the floor and attempt to teach her during a 2 minute song how to do basics that require lots of time and lessons to learn.

The pitfall of saying yes is that some of these women come back to me and ask them if I will teach them other dances. I am in no way qualified to be an instructor and don't want to waste my time giving these ladies a free lesson. Many of them come back week after week and try to con guys into giving them lessons. They never get better and most of them eventually stop coming, so the guys that wasted their time coaching those ladies got nothing for their efforts (unless things happened outside the studio that I am not aware of).

People like this are just too cheap to pay for lessons. I suspect females are most guilty of this behavior because so many of them are under the illusion that all they have to do to dance is to present themselves to a guy that knows what he is doing.

Any suggestions on how to handle similar situations? It seems to happen to me more often lately. I hate to be rude or to be thought of as a snob, but this trend has to stop!

 

[Bailamosdance]

Actually, I AM a teacher, and what is wrong with anyone asking someone to teach them on or off the dance floor so as to make them instantly a 'dancer' is that it is not only insulting to the teacher, but shows incredible shortsightedness on the part of the 'student'.

Usually if I tell them the truth, that it takes more than showing them a simple step pattern, they go away thinking I am a 'snob' (usually heard when someone dances with a more accomplished dancer who, when asked what dancing they are doing, replies with something more accurately than 'ballroom' or 'swing') or if I actually do show them something, they honestly believe that they are really dancing and (to my horror) tell people that I taught them their box/walk around like a zombie turn/or fan that looks like someone trying to get a can of peas from the kitchen cabinet.

You cannot win. Instead, I suggest spending your time in a social with the girl with the cutest dress - KIDDING!

But really. Nothing good can come of something like this. Back away slowly and let a 'social santa claus' step in...

 

[raindance]

Well, you could tell them you're not a teacher, but you could be gracious and help them with a few basics (boxes, etc, not necessarily at full tempo if she's that lost) to get through the song. Most social leads are capable of that much "teaching" and many don't mind. If they come back repeatedly, you can apologize and tell them while you were happy to help a bit, but you're not a teacher.

Since you're doing the asking, you could also be more selective, and only pick ladies who meet your criteria for knowing how to dance well enough for you.

 

[TwoRightFeet]

I've had the same problem. Usually if they ask me to teach them something I just tell them that not only am I not a teacher, but that I have no idea how to go about teaching the woman her part; I only know the man's part.

Here's one scenario I encountered:

- A quickstep starts playing
- Lady: Will you dance with me?
- Me: What dance is this they're playing?
- Lady: Will you dance with me?
- Me: I think it's a quickstep
- Lady: That sounds like fun. Will you dance it with me?
- Me: Do you know how to do the quickstep?
- Lady: I'm sure I can follow
- I decide to see if she can "follow" (Big Mistake!)
- We almost fall down as I lead a lock step
- Me: I'm sorry, but I don't think this is working. Let's try doing a different dance later
- I stop dancing with her then go and find another quickstep partner before the song ends

I wouldn't go as far to as to say that they're generally being cheap, insulting or shortsighted by not taking lessons, although I'm sure in some cases that would be true. I think many of them just don't know any better. They assume that dancing is all about a man "leading" them around the floor, and all they have to do is "follow", meaning the man gets to push and pull and twirl them wherever he wants them to go, and they end up going along for the ride and having so much fun in the process. Until they've had more exposure to ballroom and started taking classes or private lessons, that's all they know.

 

[Gorme]

If they got you out on the floor, you can still stop the dance and say that the dance is too difficult to learn in this setting. Then ask her if she would like to do another future dance and pick something really easy.

Generally, for the quick tempo dances that really moves, I always ask the lady if she knows the dance (if I don't know her). I can decide if she knows it by her answers. For example, "I can follow!" means she doesn't know it. I like TwoRightFeet's question about what dance is she asking for. The clueless ones will not even know what the dance is called.

 

[Generalist]

If they got you out on the floor, you can still stop the dance and say that the dance is too difficult to learn in this setting. Then ask her if she would like to do another future dance and pick something really easy.

I have been thinking of stopping the dance on the floor but didn't know it was appropriate etiquette. I would like other opinions on this approach, as it seems the only good option.

Generally, for the quick tempo dances that really moves, I always ask the lady if she knows the dance (if I don't know her). I can decide if she knows it by her answers. For example, "I can follow!" means she doesn't know it. I like TwoRightFeet's question about what dance is she asking for. The clueless ones will not even know what the dance is called.

I get that "I can follow!" line all the time. I suspect naive ladies are mislead by teachers who tell them that all they have to do is to not think and to follow. That sends them the implicit message that ladies don't have to do anything but show up in order to dance.

OK, so what to do when they say that "I can follow" line?

Yeah, it's really funny when I ask them what dance they feel most comfortable with and they can't name one. Sometimes they say "two step" which is the same as "I can follow".

 

[cornutt]

If a lady wants me to show her a foxtrot (American bronze) or rumba basic, I show her a basic. What's the problem? Everyone has to start somewhere. Having said that, I do usually make it a point at the end of the dance to point out to them who the instructors are. Sometimes the newbies think I'm an instructor. I've had a few ladies ask me how much I charge for lessons.

I do have two exceptions: I will not do, or attempt to show, bolero or Viennese waltz to a raw beginner. (If I danced quickstep, it would be on that list too.) When those dances are called, I make it a point to either ask a partner that I know, or disappear for a few minutes.

 

[Bailamosdance]

Honestly, teachers do not tell these ladies that "just follow" is the way to proceed - their business is to teach dance, not mindless mirroring of a box step.

 

[Steve Pastor]

I have been thinking of stopping the dance on the floor but didn't know it was appropriate etiquette. I would like other opinions on this approach, as it seems the only good option.

Last Saturday - you have to teach me how to do this - stop looking down, I have to look at your feet - listen to me count for you - I have to watch your feet to know what to do -

Dance em off the floor, that's what I do. Be sure to say, "Thank you."

So, one woman whom I had stopped asking after she repeatedly cursed at me (meaning on more than one occassion) on the dance floor while we were dancing, said to me that I was rude as we walked off the floor.

OK. So I think of the guy who came in to he theater years ago about 1/2 and hour after "The Crying Game" had started. When I told him I would not explain to him what had happened so far, why, I was being rude, and he told me so! (PS It was not intermission.)

Really, I HAVE to teach you how to do this dance in spite of the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me you didn't know how to do it?

 

[Gorme]

I suspect naive ladies are mislead by teachers who tell them that all they have to do is to not think and to follow. That sends them the implicit message that ladies don't have to do anything but show up in order to dance.

It's not the teachers telling them this. It's the other leaders on the social floor that tells the ladies to just follow them. At the same time, the ladies think they just need to learn a few patterns and they'll have the dance down.

OK, so what to do when they say that "I can follow" line?

"Let's wait for the next song."

 

[Dots]

If a lady wants me to show her a foxtrot (American bronze) or rumba basic, I show her a basic. What's the problem? Everyone has to start somewhere. Having said that, I do usually make it a point at the end of the dance to point out to them who the instructors are. Sometimes the newbies think I'm an instructor. I've had a few ladies ask me how much I charge for lessons.

I do have two exceptions: I will not do, or attempt to show, bolero or Viennese waltz to a raw beginner. (If I danced quickstep, it would be on that list too.) When those dances are called, I make it a point to either ask a partner that I know, or disappear for a few minutes.

I do the exact same, lol!

On the rare instances where I was aksed to do a viennese and that I knew that the lady was a newcomer, my response usually was along the line of: "I'm sorry, but Viennese can be risky, but I'll gladly take you on the next song if you would like."

 

[samina]

I benefited from day 1 on the dance floor during socials from gracious gentlemen happy to introduce a new dancer to a new dance. Some of the most delightful moments...

Just saying.

 

[twnkltoz]

I have been helped along by many a gracious man who helped me out with some basics on the dance floor. HOWEVER:

1. I didn't ask anyone to dance until I knew that dance.
2. When I very first started dancing (ballroom), I was with my brother (who told me I had to do it), who taught me on the floor and got me going. Then I took group lessons. Some women never take lessons, sigh.
3. If guys asked me to dance and I was obviously a beginner, they might have offered suggestions, but I never demanded. I find it offensive whenever someone demands anything of me, especially to teach them something.
4. When I started each "new" genre (WCS, AT, LH in that order), I already knew how to follow and the basic tenets of the dance by the time I started. Oh, and I took lessons. So while I still got some teaching/hints on the floor, I was at the point where you could at least dance with me as I was.

Heh...I actually used the "Do you know...no, but I can follow" line last night for probably the first time in my dance career. I was at a LH dance and a slow, bluesy song came on. The woman (leader) who'd asked me to dance got excited about the song and asked if I danced blues. I said, "No, but I follow," knowing that blues is a lead-follow dance and she's danced enough LH with me to know I do follow. She said, "Yes, you do!" and proceeded to lead a sort of swing-blues fusion. It was pretty fun. Up to this point, when people asked me to do a dance I didn't know, I said I either didn't know it or only knew the basic and they danced with me anyway.

 

[opendoor]

Any suggestions on how to handle similar situations? It seems to happen to me more often lately..

Generalist, I´m dancing really for a couple of years, but it never happened to me nor to any of my peers, that a lady had uttered the word teach in this respect.

(Honest souls of course always felt sorry if they could not dance to a certain music.)

There are (among others) some basic rules for the dance floor. And one is: no teaching on the floor at socials!

As a skillful dancer you may only offer to lead that lady. And to ask her if she trusts herself simply to follow. At many venues an area in the centre of the dance floor often is reserved for beginners. But no words, no concepts, no teaching! If you like to you can make an appointment for the next afternoon with her. Prizes for the dance room rental are not that high.

 

[Loki]

you could also be more selective, and only pick ladies who meet your criteria for knowing how to dance well enough for you.

Or the ones that show their panties.