Handling Conflict in Dancesport

[LenaB]

Hi guys....So I have a bit of a situation. There is a gal on my team who I have been having difficulties with and I'm afraid the situation is going to dismantle the team if it's not handled properly. In the month of November I managed to tick her off on 3 separate occasions without ever intending to. Two of these occasions were at a dance competition.

We're a small group, and 5 of us are officers of the club. I am the President and she is the VP. The competition was back in November, and she accused me of some pretty strong things, including being a bad team captain/president, being unavailable, and some other things. I have spoken individually with the rest of the officers and no one seems to agree with these statements. Despite this, however, the conflict at the comp are still haunting me and the club.

Confrontation with this gal (let's call her Suzy) is intense and often spirals out of control. Things start going down the path of, "Well, I did that because you did...." or "You acted like so and so, and did this and that and that was your fault" or "You purposefully did that." I think you get the idea. Thus, I have not tried to talk with her individually because I find it incredibly uncomfortable, and I feel like whenever it happens I have to defend myself against numerous accusations (most of which I am defending for a second or third time).

Has anyone else ever been in this situation before? If so, what did you do and how did you handle it? We have another team meeting coming up, and I want to be prepared for it. However, this situation has caused me so much stress that I'm about to say f'it, and abandon the club I created.

I appreciate your thoughts/advice!

 

[SamSays]

This is your club and if she's the only one with problems, she should be the one to leave not you. Maybe she's just doing it to get on your nerves so you will leave and she can take over the club?

 

[toothlesstiger]

Take the emotions out of it, and find out what is really going on. I know it is tough, but I think your best approach is invite her for a private chat, and ask her point blank, what it is she really wants, and what it is she wants from you. Whatever you do, don't get defensive, just hear her out. You may have to ask questions to tease the specifics out from her.
After you have both laid out specific behaviors that were at issue, then you can say "let's come to a mutually agreeable plan to address these issues". Lay out specifics for both of you, and both of you will need to commit to fulfilling your side of the bargain.
This has to be done in good faith on both sides. If there is any doubt about good faith, write and both of you sign an agreement, with both of you holding a copy, and getting a witness to it.
As to the other officers, well, I don't know the dynamic of your club, but if you are president, it means you have a strong enough personality to lead, which means that you can't count on getting honest feedback. (See my sig.) Go to the source, if she is willing to vent her anger on you, she's probably not shy about giving you honest feedback, either.

 

[dbk]

First of all, it's good that you asked around to the other board members to confirm that they aren't having problems as well.

So I have a few suggestions... I'm not sure if they will work for your situation or not, but most of them are just good things for a board to do anyway:

• Bear in mind that the rest of the board might be keeping quiet on some of your faults because they don't want to seem like they're siding with the other girl.
• Have a brainstorming session with the board to see what you can improve, where the club/team can improve, etc. Outline the team's long term goals - her complaints may stem from a fundamental disagreement (or confusion) about the team's core purpose.
• You may also want to sit down with the entire board and do a in-depth review of what each position's role and responsibilities are. It's possible that she's got her wires crossed about what your role is, what her role is, etc. It's a good thing to pass down to new board members as well.
• As for the girl herself, it might be a good idea to simply not engage with her if her attacks are mostly personal. Don't argue with her or defend yourself; let your efforts speak for you. If you're doing your job well, and she continues to complain, she's the one who will end up looking bad.

If you're OK with it, can you give us more detail about some of her complaints?

"Well, I did that because you did...." or "You acted like so and so, and did this and that and that was your fault" or "You purposefully did that."

I mean, what are "that" and "this" in these sentences? Are they personal things ("You purposefully asked so-and-so to dance when you know I like him"), related to team business ("You purposely left me out of the board email on so-and-so matters"), or somewhere in between?

 

[debmc]

Conflict... whether in dancesport, work, life, is always difficult to deal with, but it can be a wonderful opportunity for us to show what we are made of. All we can do really is "keep our side of the street clean". People can want to draw us in to their issues, their friction, their problems, but when they see that we do not join in, that we do not react, that we do not feed their drama, they have no choice but to pick another target. My advice: first, do an honest assessment of any contribution you may have to the problem and pick a trusted friend to help you with this. Assess if the person you are having difficulties with has a history of difficulties with other people, that can be a good giveaway that this is an issue that belongs to them. Refuse to be drawn into any battles, do not give them food for battle so to speak. Eckart Tolle refers to that part of a person as their "pain body wanting to be fed", you feed it by joining in the confrontation; instead make it clear that they are on their own with their negative feelings and you will not be sucked into any confrontations. If they have a specific issue that does need to be handled, handle it logically but not emotionally and have a 3rd party impartial witness present. Good luck. It can be very hard to handle conflict but if we are successful in not getting drawn into the situation it can teach us alot about who we are.

 

[LenaB]

I want to say thank you all for your wonderful suggestions and advice on how to handle this very difficult situation. I'm going to jot these recommendations down and utilize them during my next team meeting.

If you're OK with it, can you give us more detail about some of her complaints?

I will say that some of the statements include that I'm a bad team captain/president, I don't take care of my team, and that I ruined everyone's time at the competition.

I think these comments stem from how she views leadership versus my beliefs. I highly value individual autonomy. Unless it is obvious that the person is struggling with something or hurt (for example), I generally do not offer help if it's not explicitly requested. Of course, I will help if a) it is something that I am capable of helping with (i.e., I have the knowledge/competency to do so), b) it is something that I am comfortable in helping with, and/or c) the person has asked me for help/advice/etc so I know that they need help (if it's not obvious). Conversely, she is a much more nurturing person and passive about her needs. She is more likely to assert assistance whether someone asks for it or not. So I think she was greatly bothered that I did not behave the same way.

I don't believe that one style (being very independent or very nurturing) is better than the other: I think they both have a lot of strengths. They're just different approaches.

This was our first competition as a team, although, not my first competition. Also, this was my first time taking a team, as compared to just being an attendee or member of an already well-established dance team. I believe she feels that there were things that I withheld from her on purpose about competing/competitions that which I should have told her, but did not. This of course is not true: if I knew I would tell her/the team. Additionally, referring back to my earlier comment, if it's within my abilities I will help.

Everyone did great at the competition: all of us got callbacks and everyone (including her) looked great and danced wonderfully. That's why I'm so hurt that this is disagreement is still going on....

 

[LenaB]

You may also want to sit down with the entire board and do a in-depth review of what each position's role and responsibilities are. It's possible that she's got her wires crossed about what your role is, what her role is, etc. It's a good thing to pass down to new board members as well.

I think you may be spot on about this.

"You purposely left me out of the board email on so-and-so matters"), or somewhere in between?

Just for the record, I make it a point to try to include ALL of our board members on every email that I send. I try very hard to keep communication open and my actions transparent. I also always tell my officers that if they want to come to an event they are welcome to join (i.e., a student council meeting, social dance, etc).

Maybe this is wrong? Maybe I am being too open?

 

[GGinrhinestones]

There are some very great ideas and suggestions here about how to approach conflict. A couple things I would add (and reiterate) for you to consider:

Do not attack or get defensive, on either side. (I.e., keep things professional). A simple tip for this: using your situation, make everything about how Suzy feels, not what you are doing, did, etc...i.e. instead of "you acted like so and so..." try "when you did this, it made ME feel..." So, as you approach this, even if she is accusing and angry, reframe her accusations in your head. Rather than a personal attack on you, try to understand how she is feeling. Left out? Ignored? Uneducated? Don't respond to the attack. Respond to her feelings that prompted the attack. And if those feelings and issues aren't clear to you, ask. For example, when she says "you purposefully did that", ask her why she feels that way. And listen to her response.

Hard as it is, don't rise to the occasion. Don't tell her she is wrong, don't argue, don't take anything she says personally. Ask for clarification. And explain to her, if you feel it is appropriate, that you understand she is upset and you want to understand why she feels that way, so you can find a solution for both of you for the future. Encourage her (and make sure you) focus on moving forward, not on how you arrived at the problem in the first place.

Failing all of that, if she continues to be aggressive and accusatory, remove yourself from the situation (politely) and explain that you are perfectly willing to have a solution-based conversation with her, but will not waste your time or the team's time with personal attacks.

As the team president, you are in a leadership role. Part of being a leader means making the hard calls. It always means accepting feedback, good and bad, from those around you and using it to analyze your own faults and errors and successess. Sometimes that means swallowing your own pride and ego for the good of the team. Sometimes it means asking a good dancer to leave for the benefit of the group, because that good dancer is destroying the team with a bad attitude. It's your job as the leader to put the welfare of the group ahead of the welfare of any one individual.

Hope that helps!

 

[dbk]

Just for the record, I make it a point to try to include ALL of our board members on every email that I send. I try very hard to keep communication open and my actions transparent. I also always tell my officers that if they want to come to an event they are welcome to join (i.e., a student council meeting, social dance, etc).

Maybe this is wrong? Maybe I am being too open?

That sounds fine. It was just the first example I could come up with involving a "team" issue rather than "personal"