How are your lessons going? Help with disrespectful pro.

[Danceisjoy]

More of a lurker than a poster, my question involves a lesson (and past lessons) in which I felt really disrespected by my pro. Being labeled as a 'control freak, having emotional mental issues, etc, in lessons are just a few.
And this isn't the first time.
I'm a good student, taking corrections, reviewing notes, practicing often, warmed up before each lesson, cordial and kind to all, etc...I do not witness the verbal disrespect with other students. Or maybe they have learned to block it out?

Have any of you dealt with this and how did you feel?

I have a different background in dance where often there were verbal abuses and unkind comments but that was the culture in those genres.
However I am now paying!
I've previously asked for encouraging words as they work better in motivating me to keep pushing ahead.

I have comps coming up soon and this dynamic of feeling disrespected makes me withdraw emotionally which is the opposite of what I'm working on. Maybe I can 'work through it' or 'deal with it' if I'm making too big a deal out of it.

Funny thing, I've written down over the past year, my bad habits and have significantly improved. I mentioned the improvements to my pro not looking for praise but hoping to slow down insults. I'm improving well as a dancer, but does the emotional cost (insults) have to come at a high price? Or is this the norm?

 

[bronzesusie]

It’s not the norm and there’s no reason to pay someone to be abusive.

 

[millitiz]

There is no reason to be around with someone being abusive. Period. Leave, as quickly as possible.

From my personal experience, it is also not good for your dancing and general well being. And it takes longer to heal the longer you stay in such relationship. Basically there is no positive point.

 

[raindance]

This is not the norm. You should not need to put up with this, let alone pay someone to treat you this way.

You could try discussing your concerns with your pro and/or the studio management to see if things can be improved. Some people don't realize how hurtful they are being, and are able to change their behavior once they have it pointed out to them. Some other people aren't able/willing to change. I've no idea what category your pro falls into.

But this isn't the norm. You deserve to be treated much, much better than this. I realize it is not always easy to find another suitable pro, but switching to a different pro may be worth looking into, perhaps at a different studio.

 

[Danceisjoy]

Thank you everyone. I will say something at my next lessons especially as I have a comp coming up. I know what I want to say and what would be helpful. High praises are not necessary but I don't need to have someone call me mental or a control freak to dance on the floor. Needless to say it makes 'emoting' and 'feeling' my pro extremely difficult. And it does show up on my body as fear. Thank you all. Will see if my comments will lead to improvements.

 

[Danceisjoy]

There is no reason to be around with someone being abusive. Period. Leave, as quickly as possible.

From my personal experience, it is also not good for your dancing and general well being. And it takes longer to heal the longer you stay in such relationship. Basically there is no positive point.

So true about the well being. I feel like a shell

 

[Well Rounded]

You could try discussing your concerns with your pro and/or the studio management to see if things can be improved. Some people don't realize how hurtful they are being, and are able to change their behavior once they have it pointed out to them. Some other people aren't able/willing to change. I've no idea what category your pro falls into.

This

 

[Misspendragon]

More of a lurker than a poster, my question involves a lesson (and past lessons) in which I felt really disrespected by my pro. Being labeled as a 'control freak, having emotional mental issues, etc, in lessons are just a few.
And this isn't the first time.
I'm a good student, taking corrections, reviewing notes, practicing often, warmed up before each lesson, cordial and kind to all, etc...I do not witness the verbal disrespect with other students. Or maybe they have learned to block it out?

Have any of you dealt with this and how did you feel?

I have a different background in dance where often there were verbal abuses and unkind comments but that was the culture in those genres.
However I am now paying!
I've previously asked for encouraging words as they work better in motivating me to keep pushing ahead.

I have comps coming up soon and this dynamic of feeling disrespected makes me withdraw emotionally which is the opposite of what I'm working on. Maybe I can 'work through it' or 'deal with it' if I'm making too big a deal out of it.

Funny thing, I've written down over the past year, my bad habits and have significantly improved. I mentioned the improvements to my pro not looking for praise but hoping to slow down insults. I'm improving well as a dancer, but does the emotional cost (insults) have to come at a high price? Or is this the norm?

Finish this competition and then get a new Pro. Do that even if it entails some travel, unless you truly cannot afford it. Putting aside the fact that no one should be abusive to another person for any reason (whether you pay or not), you must be open to allow your feelings and passions flow through you on the floor, to connect to your partner and the dance, and there is nothing like hurt to shut you down instantly. In other words, the Pros behavior is hurting you both as a person and as a dancer.

 

[raindance]

If the situation is severe, and the comp hasn't been paid for yet, you could consider pulling out.

If the situation is really severe (or even just bad enough that you really don't want to put up with it anymore, regardless of how objectively sever things might be), and the comp has been paid for, you could still consider pulling out.

Up to you whether you want to go through with the upcoming comp with current pro, in other words. Of course backing out of a comp you've been working towards is disappointing. Only you know whether or not you really want to do the comp under the current circumstances.

See how your conversation goes, and see what you want to do from there. Dance can be wonderful, but it's supposed to be a net benefit to your life, particularly when it is costing you money to pursue it. Do what is right for you!

 

[opendoor]

..improving well as a dancer, but does the emotional cost (insults) have to come at a high price? Or is this the norm?

It has three sites:

-For one thing, you may have missed your instructor's carefully and subtly articulated subtext.

-Secondly, it is very likely that your instructor can dance, but cannot communicate empathically.

-And the last and most important reason: there is money involved. Nobody risks losing you as a customer. In this respect, you will never be told the truth. And I'm sorry that I did it.

 

[ProgressNotPerfection]

It has three sites:
-For one thing, you may have missed your instructor's carefully and subtly articulated subtext.
-Secondly, it is very likely that your instructor can dance, but cannot communicate empathically.
-And the last and most important reason: there is money involved. Nobody risks losing you as a customer. In this respect, you will never be told the truth. And I'm sorry that I did it.

I’m confused.

1. I didn’t hear anything subtle in her instructor’s words (calling her a control freak and saying she has emotional/mental issues). Not sure there was any subtext there to miss.

2. It’s not merely that her instructor cannot communicate effectively; it sounds to me like he’s not an empathetic person, period. Most verbally abusive bullies aren’t.

3. What do you mean that she “will never be told the truth”? About what?
And what are you sorry that you did - tell the truth, or be mean to a customer, or something else?

 

[Misspendragon]

I’m confused.

1. I didn’t hear anything subtle in her instructor’s words (calling her a control freak and saying she has emotional/mental issues). Not sure there was any subtext there to miss.

2. It’s not merely that her instructor cannot communicate effectively; it sounds to me like he’s not an empathetic person, period. Most verbally abusive bullies aren’t.

3. What do you mean that she “will never be told the truth”? About what?
And what are you sorry that you did - tell the truth, or be mean to a customer, or something else?

Based what we learned about the instructor here, the issue is not a matter of communication style but that of personality. Abusive people remain abusive regardless how many talks you have with them, how hard you try to fix problems with them. I'm not going to speculate what personality issues this Pro has exactly as that would be inappropriate without an actual evaluation, but I would leave this situation as soon as possible.

 

[Danceisjoy]

If the situation is severe, and the comp hasn't been paid for yet, you could consider pulling out.

If the situation is really severe (or even just bad enough that you really don't want to put up with it anymore, regardless of how objectively sever things might be), and the comp has been paid for, you could still consider pulling out.

Up to you whether you want to go through with the upcoming comp with current pro, in other words. Of course backing out of a comp you've been working towards is disappointing. Only you know whether or not you really want to do the comp under the current circumstances.

See how your conversation goes, and see what you want to do from there. Dance can be wonderful, but it's supposed to be a net benefit to your life, particularly when it is costing you money to pursue it. Do what is right for you!

You raise a good point. Dancing is supposed to be a net benefit to my life.

I will talk to my pro and mention that his opinions are not only harmful to me as a human being but as a competitor.

All the work I'm doing physically and mentally to prepare for a comp and be my best are now in jeopardy. Feeling chewed up before walking out on the dance floor.

 

[Danceisjoy]

It has three sites:

-For one thing, you may have missed your instructor's carefully and subtly articulated subtext.

-Secondly, it is very likely that your instructor can dance, but cannot communicate empathically.

-And the last and most important reason: there is money involved. Nobody risks losing you as a customer. In this respect, you will never be told the truth. And I'm sorry that I did it.

Not sure if I missed any subtlety in his communications during lessons...but nothing subtle about being called a control freak.

I have reached out to a couple of other students. One said she asked for some more positive feedback from him and it worked out for this student. One says she sometimes tunes him out, but agrees that the severity of his comments to me are significantly worse than she had encountered.

 

[lucia_l]

-And the last and most important reason: there is money involved. Nobody risks losing you as a customer. In this respect, you will never be told the truth. And I'm sorry that I did it.

This is not true. There are teachers who tell you the truth even if they risk losing business. Besides that, not telling the truth also risks losing business. Dancer's who don't progress are more likely to quit lessons. (Most eventually quit anyway even if it's just that people change hobbies over time. Heck, some people change careers.)

Teachers need to learn to be truthful and respectful. This one is certainly not the latter. Calling someone a "control freak" isn't in the vicinity of what a teacher should say even if they think it. Perhaps a student won't take direction. Well, in that case a teacher needs to say something like "You are paying for my expertise. To benefit from that you need to try what I suggest." Could that teacher lose that student? Sure.

But calling them a "control freak" isn't useful and can also lose the student. And, in fact, the student should leave such a teacher. (And, in fact, the teacher calling the student a control freak makes the teacher's judgement much less credible. And even if the claim has a grain of truth, it's said in a way that doesn't help the student address the actual dance specific issue. )