How did/do you decide?

P

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
This has been weighing heavy on my mind since last week, and I just have to ask.

Disclaimer. I'm really not asking what to do, but how you'd go about deciding. Oh yeah. And disclaimer #2. This is way personal.

As you may have seen in a couple other threads, I've been seeing a guy (mostly long distance) since just before Christmas, when he gave me a diamond friendship ring, after a couple years of platonic friendship. Knocked my socks off with surprise.

Anyway. He's been here to visit a couple times, and he's moving along (what feels) really quickly to me. He's a wonderful person and a very good friend. But the idea of making a commitment terrifies me. When he was here last week I told him that I need to put on the breaks. I'm not asking him to wait for me (although obviously he could if he wanted to.) I just need to slow down for now.

So here's what he said. He said that he loves me and wants me to be happy. My being with him would make him happy. But, if I need to leave him in order to be happy, that's what he wants. OMG! What a great guy. (And no, he wasn't being manipulative. Just honest. :? ) Needless to say, my first reaction was, "Where do I sign?" Good guys like that don't come along every day. :lol: :lol: But, truth be told, I'm still having cold ... no frozen feet. I'm not sure he's the right one. Or, even if he is, I'm pretty sure now isn't the time.

So how do I decide whether to make a commitment I'm ambivalent about or let the man go to get on with his life, without me in it?

And no, he doesn't dance much, but at least he's willing to think about it. :lol: :lol:

Help. :(
 
Toughie. I have a lady friend who wants more - dating rather then friendship. Like you I'm not ready, or don't feel it is right with her for me at this present time. I have told her so. I know, in my heart, that I may have regrets, or that my subconcious will start acting out if I agree to something that I already am telling myself that I am not ready for. I cannot be dishonest to myself. I do want what is the best for her, and just like your man, she wants the best for me, but unfortunately when there are conflicting/differing needs someone will get hurt. Anyway, my answer is I would and have said no.
 
I think you need to examine your hesitancy for it's root cause. Is it because 1) You don't know or trust this guy as to he really is 2) Is it because of the pain of a past relationship and the fear of another painful experience 3) just that you are not yet ready to give up a measure of your freedom or independence. None of these things are bad, but I think you need to determine where your hesitancy comes from. Then, determine if it rational to feel that way. After examining everything in a logical way, then you must follow your gut instincts. It is not always great to be alone, but it is worse to be alone while attached to someone.
 
I read what you said, Rosa, and I didn't take offense. Not at all. I think I'm too close to see this situation clearly. If I thought I had a clear perspective, I wouldn't be here asking for input. :lol:

And the fact that I'm sleeping only sporadically probably doesn't help. :lol:
 
pygmalion said:
I read what you said, Rosa, and I didn't take offense. Not at all. I think I'm too close to see this situation clearly. If I thought I had a clear perspective, I wouldn't be here asking for input. :lol:

And the fact that I'm sleeping only sporadically probably doesn't help. :lol:
Click to expand...

Given that you said Rosa when Rosa still hasn't answered this thread, you really must be suffereing from lack of sleep. :wink: :)
 
No. She posted but deleted. I don't know why, since her input was good and valid, and I appreciate it. 8)


I'm quick, and read the post before she zapped it. :twisted: . :lol: :lol:
 
pygmalion said:
I read what you said, Rosa, and I didn't take offense. Not at all. I think I'm too close to see this situation clearly. If I thought I had a clear perspective, I wouldn't be here asking for input. :lol:

And the fact that I'm sleeping only sporadically probably doesn't help. :lol:
Click to expand...

I deleted my post, Jenn, because I reread your original post and saw your disclaimer, so I felt that my post was too personal, ie giving you advice as opposed to saying what I'd do if I was in your situation.

Anyway, I'm glad you read it. I stand by what I wrote, and I hope it was helpful.

But if you ask me, if I was in your position, would I take my own advice, the honest answer would probably be no! I'm sorry to say, I'd probably follow my heart... which is usually at odds with my gut instinct...

Anyway, I meant it when I said "Good luck"!

Let us know how it goes.

Rosa :)
 
Sagitta said:
pygmalion said:
I read what you said, Rosa, and I didn't take offense. Not at all. I think I'm too close to see this situation clearly. If I thought I had a clear perspective, I wouldn't be here asking for input. :lol:

And the fact that I'm sleeping only sporadically probably doesn't help. :lol:
Click to expand...

Given that you said Rosa when Rosa still hasn't answered this thread, you really must be suffereing from lack of sleep. :wink: :)
Click to expand...

No, she's not bonkers. See above! :lol:

Rosa :)
 
Exactly. If it were my friend asking me the same question, I'd know what to advise. But, unfortunately, it's different, when it's you. It's not nearly as clear-cut. :? Knowing what you should do and knowing what you are going to do are two different things. And is there even a should here? *shrug*

I'm weird. I know. :? :lol:


your
 
When my dh first asked me to marry him, I said I wasn't ready- I was newly divorced. He said that was fine and then said he would ask me again on the first day of the next month, and the next month and the next month. And he did, just once each month and then didn't say anything about it again until the next month. Finally, I was ready and said yes on New Year's Eve (well, it was New Year's morning, I think, probably about 12:01am).
So, if the guy is patient, you may be ready somewhere down the road. I am sure glad I didn't let my guy get away!
 
This is not advice -- I'm not in a position to give any. This is what I'd do in your situation (and what I did in a situation not unlike yours).

As Kansas49er says, I'd ask myself why I am afraid of making a commitment with him -- is it the present, the past or the future that's worrying me? Is there anything in him or in the relationship I feel is not quite right? Am I worried that what happend before with someone else might happen to me again? Or is it the fear of the unknown?

If the answer to the first question is yes, then I'd try and find out what the problem is and why that's a problem for me (it can be something pretty silly and illogical, but if it's a problem for me, it *is* a problem. I pay a bit more attention to my intuition than I used to these days). If it's the second, then I'd tell myself for being unfair to him -- he's not the man in my past, he's not responsible for what's happened and he doesn't have to pay for it. If it's the third, then I have a motto -- "it's the things I didn't do I'm more likely regret about later, not the things I did."

This strategy has worked for me so far -- but then, I think I've been pretty lucky.

Oh, and I have another motto: "*my* happiness comes first, not anyone else's." Selfish I know, but acting selfishly is very liberating. :roll: :lol: There isn't a should there -- what matters most is what you want to do.
 
They say the worst form of vice is advice - regardless here is mine.

I think your answer lies in self-examination, not in examination of your potential partner. Figure out first what you want for your life, what you would be willing to do to obtain that, and what you are not willing to risk.

Most people base decisions on either their heart or their head - figure out which one has worked for you in the past and follow it.

When you know what you want - then you are being fair to him, then you can fairly evaluate him.

My personal solution - a lot of prayer.

Hope everything goes well,
Scott
 
I've always been more of an intuitive with these sorts of things: either you feel ready or you ask questions like this. If you're asking questions, take all the time you need to sort out the answers.
 
It sounds to me like you have issues to think about. Sometimes it is just best to step back and really hash things out. The best thing for me this past year (that had some emotional twists) was to go away by myself for a week with nobody I knew to talk to...but I had the time I needed to think, straighten things out and ask myself, "what do I really want?"

Also of issue, do you love him back? Because honestly without that there is little sense in pursuing a relationship. He will end up being hurt by your indifference.

He sounds like a great guy. Explain your confusion and need to think. Even take a week where you don't see each other. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder (especially when there is "something" there).

Then, you can come to terms with your decision and move in the direction your heart leads. Be it with him or without him...

But please, decide...he will wait, especially since he loves you...but don't make him wait long so that you both can move on.
 
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