How to leave a lasting impression

[jon]

So recently I asked someone I have danced occasionally with for years, but know only slightly, to dance a foxtrot. She's always strucky me as a quirky and difficult to understand person, but the dancing was fun, so that was OK. She replied that she normally dances FT only with one specific person (maybe so, she's danced FT with me before though), but <she looks around> since he isn't here, OK.

So we start to dance, and a few seconds later she catches sight of this guy and literally leaves me standing on the dance floor with a "you don't mind, do you?"

Then, after the song is over, she comes to apologize - in the form "You're not mad, are you? Can I have the next dance?"

Now, I didn't want to get into an argument, because I was feeling in a mellow mood. So I didn't say what was on my mind, that it would be a cold day in hell before I asked her to dance again - just begged off on grounds of resting.

I'm not mad at her, no. But I've learned something important about her that I won't soon forget.

 

[Sagitta]

You are way too polite Jon.

 

[tsb]

i'm afraid i'm experiencing a little cognitive dissonance as you say you're not mad yet you're never going to ask her to dance again (barring unexpected & scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions prevailing in the infernal regions) nor tell her that you were in fact quite offended by her act of leaving you in the middle of a dance to go dance with someone else.

 

[pygmalion]

You're a better man than I am, jon (figuratively speaking, of course.) I'd be really mad. :lol: :lol:

It's funny. When I saw the title of this thread, I was thinking about how to leave a lasting positive impression. Maybe I'll start a thread on that one of these days.

But yikes. The way she treated you was like a slap in the face. I wouldn't dance with her, either. :evil:

(You know, you could always post her personal info in this thread, so no DFer or lurker in your area will ever dance with her again, either. :idea: :wink: )

 

[jon]

i'm afraid i'm experiencing a little cognitive dissonance as you say you're not mad yet you're never going to ask her to dance again (barring unexpected & scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions prevailing in the infernal regions) nor tell her that you were in fact quite offended by her act of leaving you in the middle of a dance to go dance with someone else.

I'm sorry you're dissonant. I'm not mad, because I don't care enough about this person to be worth getting angry over. I'm not going to ask her to dance again, because there's no reason to think she wouldn't do the same thing again. And I'm not going to lecture her about her behavior, because it wouldn't change her, but it would waste my time and energy.

In general I just don't do anger well - except with obstreporous bureaucrats, and sometimes on Usenet.

 

[jon]

(You know, you could always post her personal info in this thread, so no DFer or lurker in your area will ever dance with her again, either. :idea: :wink: )

Noooooo... not such a good idea. I have a very strong dislike for the invasions of privacy, gossip, and the rumor mill that are so prevalent in small closed communities like dancing, try to avoid participating in them, and don't want to contribute to the problem.

 

[pygmalion]

I was just kidding, of course. I wouldn't "out" someone, even a bad guy/gal.

Your example does make me wonder how someone could be involved in the dance scene for any length of time and still be oblivious to basic etiquette, though.

 

[jon]

I was just kidding, of course. I wouldn't "out" someone, even a bad guy/gal.

I might "out" someone who constituted an actual danger to other dancers, like a stalker. But it would have to be pretty egregious.

Your example does make me wonder how someone could be involved in the dance scene for any length of time and still be oblivious to basic etiquette, though.

I don't think such people are actually oblivious. I think they prioritize etiquette below their immediate desires.

 

[tj]

I was just kidding, of course. I wouldn't "out" someone, even a bad guy/gal.

I might "out" someone who constituted an actual danger to other dancers, like a stalker. But it would have to be pretty egregious.

Your example does make me wonder how someone could be involved in the dance scene for any length of time and still be oblivious to basic etiquette, though.

I don't think such people are actually oblivious. I think they prioritize etiquette below their immediate desires.

You do realize that there's a good chance that she may never realize why you've stopped dancing with her, right? And that she may never correct such behavior if no one tells her.

 

[tsb]

i'm afraid i'm experiencing a little cognitive dissonance as you say you're not mad yet you're never going to ask her to dance again (barring unexpected & scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions prevailing in the infernal regions) nor tell her that you were in fact quite offended by her act of leaving you in the middle of a dance to go dance with someone else.

I'm sorry you're dissonant. I'm not mad, because I don't care enough about this person to be worth getting angry over. I'm not going to ask her to dance again, because there's no reason to think she wouldn't do the same thing again. And I'm not going to lecture her about her behavior, because it wouldn't change her, but it would waste my time and energy.

In general I just don't do anger well - except with obstreporous bureaucrats, and sometimes on Usenet.

don't be sorry, i'm not dissonant.

in my book what this person did is among the most offensive things that you can do within or outside the dance environment & and as a consequence it would be rather unusual not to have some sort of negative feelings as a result. it cettainly made enough of an impact on you to prompt you to post about it.

while this person may be "quirky", she is aware enough to understand that actions have consequences as evidenced by her coming back to see if you were mad. you say you don't do anger well, but i don't think you would have had to to say "i'm not mad per se, as you're free to do as you choose. but i hope you can understand that i found what you did to be very offensive/rude/whatever and i choose not to associate with people who do things like that"

 

[mamboqueen]

I don't think I could have let that incident go by without saying something. If I knew I wasn't going to dance with that person again, then there's really no harm in letting someone know they did something rude. While I'm not confrontational, I just can't hold my tongue sometimes. I probably would have said "gee, I can't say that I've ever been ditched mid-song before" and then walk away. I mean, what is she going to do, tell all her dance buddies? She'll look like the fool.

 

[jon]

You do realize that there's a good chance that she may never realize why you've stopped dancing with her, right? And that she may never correct such behavior if no one tells her.

Yes. But she's aware that she did something bad, and she can stop behaving that way whenever she chooses. I long ago stopped thinking that I either needed to, or was capable of "fixing" people who behave in ways I don't like - people are responsible for their own behavior.

Instead, I prefer to associate with people who behave in ways I do like. Much less stressful.

 

[tj]

You do realize that there's a good chance that she may never realize why you've stopped dancing with her, right? And that she may never correct such behavior if no one tells her.

Yes. But she's aware that she did something bad, and she can stop behaving that way whenever she chooses. I long ago stopped thinking that I either needed to, or was capable of "fixing" people who behave in ways I don't like - people are responsible for their own behavior.

Instead, I prefer to associate with people who behave in ways I do like. Much less stressful.

Hmm... I must admit I tend to do the same thing.

But in this case, IMHO, she needs to be told.

 

[jon]

I might have done better to post this under the topic "What's the rudest behavior you've ever encountered on the dance floor", as I was really more interested in hearing how outrageous things have gotten for other people, than in justifying / explaining my own response to outrageous behavior

 

[mamboqueen]

Well, NOW you're talkin'!

I have had a guy who I stopped dancing with because he hurt my back with his death-grip hold. I turned him down politely a few times, and then he finally asked for the truth and I gave it to him as gently as possible. Well, after that, he didn't really ask me to dance (maybe once or twice). Now, he thinks he "owns" a seat at my studio, where there is no reserved seating during dances. Move your feet, lose your seat. Well, I sat down in "his" seat and he came over after getting a bite to eat (he's one of those that goes to whatever dance is offering the best free buffet) and asked me to get out of his seat. Not only that, he took my cup of water off the table next to the seat and handed it to me.

My teacher told me to let him know the next time anything like this happened and he'd handle it, but I haven't seen the guy lately - thank God!