Leader looked so disgusted - What did I do wrong?

[MissPigeon]

I went to a beginner-friendly milonga after two months of practice, as the organisers encouraged me to come. I was getting a lot of dances because the atmosphere was very relaxed and casual. Both women and men would lead and one was also allowed to just ask for a dance directly.

But then I mistook a cabaceo from an intermediate dancer, let’s call him Bob, so I nodded, and he made a scowl with his face and completely turned away.

I nodded because Bob had asked me to dance twice before at two other classes. It didn’t go too badly nor too well, just fine.

I know I’m a beginner, and it might not be so pleasant for Bob to dance with me, but I felt like I must be disgusting or something for him to make a scowl like that.

I also know I don’t have any hygiene problems, and I always dress well. I usually don’t have a problem getting people to dance with me again.

So I was pretty shocked. This experience really put a dent in my confidence. I almost left. Thankfully I was there with my friend, so I stayed.

The guy then kept stepping closer to where we were standing and looking back at us. There was no one behind us, so it was pretty weird.

I later danced with someone who literally went around the whole floor to ask me for a second tanda, so I was very happy there and overall the milonga was fun, so it’s was a great time.

I just don’t know what to do with this guy now, as I know he’ll come to the classes again. I guess ignoring is the best way to go.

And I am also not sure how to deal with these feeling. I know also that there can be many reasons for a rejection, and that is okay, but it is the scowl that really bothered me and just seemed a little unnecessary.

 

[TTanguero]

I just don’t know what to do with this guy now

Honestly, don't worry about it. One of my most important lessons in life was my development of PAW theory: People Are Weird. Sometimes they do inexplicable things, and it's very rarely personal.

Next time you see him he'll either dance with you (and you'll realise that whatever was going on there was nothing to do with you) or he won't and you'll continue to happily dance with others. Don't sweat it.

 

[opendoor]

Seems he meant someone else. Women often throw their head in the line of sight to hijack cabeceos.

 

[Brummbaer]

I went to a beginner-friendly milonga after two months of practice, as the organisers encouraged me to come. I was getting a lot of dances because the atmosphere was very relaxed and casual. Both women and men would lead and one was also allowed to just ask for a dance directly.

But then I mistook a cabaceo from an intermediate dancer, let’s call him Bob, so I nodded, and he made a scowl with his face and completely turned away.

I nodded because Bob had asked me to dance twice before at two other classes. It didn’t go too badly nor too well, just fine.

I know I’m a beginner, and it might not be so pleasant for Bob to dance with me, but I felt like I must be disgusting or something for him to make a scowl like that.

I also know I don’t have any hygiene problems, and I always dress well. I usually don’t have a problem getting people to dance with me again.

So I was pretty shocked. This experience really put a dent in my confidence. I almost left. Thankfully I was there with my friend, so I stayed.

The guy then kept stepping closer to where we were standing and looking back at us. There was no one behind us, so it was pretty weird.

I later danced with someone who literally went around the whole floor to ask me for a second tanda, so I was very happy there and overall the milonga was fun, so it’s was a great time.

I just don’t know what to do with this guy now, as I know he’ll come to the classes again. I guess ignoring is the best way to go.

And I am also not sure how to deal with these feeling. I know also that there can be many reasons for a rejection, and that is okay, but it is the scowl that really bothered me and just seemed a little unnecessary.

You didn't do anything wrong, except being there and being a beginner/improver (depends on the milonga). Some/several 'dancers' at some milongas are just 'jerks', and should simply be avoided.

It's not a male/female attribute. It can apply to both. I guess we all have a black book of those who wouldn't dance with us when we were beginners, compared with those who helped and encouraged.

Wipe off your dance shoes and move on.

 

[DL]

Social dancing is a pretty brittle social environment, particularly because dancing tends to cause emotions to run strong. Without a separate channel of communication, one wrong or untimely facial expression can easily break a relationship with a fellow dancer altogether -- unless, that is, both parties are willing and able to figure out how to sidestep that outcome.

The advantages/disadvantages of cabaceo in AT have been much discussed. Without opining upon it generally, it seems to me that it tends to make that particular problem even trickier. (To be clear, I am not criticizing the model; merely suggesting that it's useful to be aware of its strengths and weaknesses.)

I might expect classmates to have more chances to communicate than people who only interact at dances. But, those relationships can be complicated, too. I certainly had some classmates such that there was greater tolerance for being paired as students in the classroom than as partners on a social dance floor. Sometimes that tolerance differential was entirely mutual. Sometimes it was lopsided.

How you might feel about your experience and what you might do about it depend largely on your goals. Is it important to develop a relationship (of any sort) with Bob? Is it important to develop your own dance skills? Just starting with those questions -- Bob might be more ... useful ... to you for one of those things than the other. Not that, in general, I like to assess people in terms of personal utility; however it is one way to achieve a dispassionate analysis. (I caution against relying *only* upon dispassionate analysis, but it seems almost as bad to lack it altogether.)

 

[TTanguero]

I guess we all have a black book of those who wouldn't dance with us when we were beginners, compared with those who helped and encouraged.

My mild facial aphasia is sometimes a mixed blessing. Since I will recognise people with enough meetings, I remembered those who danced with me when I was a complete beginner, and they remain high on my dance card (thankfully I enjoy dancing with them all!).

But because I don't recognise the faces of those I didn't dance with frequently, I wasn't able to have a blacklist of those who snubbed me in the early days. Today I'm probably having enjoyable dances I would otherwise never have had.

 

[Reuven Thetanguero]

It's hard to know exactly what occurred since we only read your point of view. Having said that, it doesnn't really matter. There are people with different idiosyncrasies, and you can not change anybody except yourself... What do you need to change? Turn off the insecurity button in your brain! Think of yourself in a more positive way, and discard those that stand in your way. Soon you will become the prize that everyone will want to dance with!

 

[Steve Pastor]

I mistook a cabaceo

We all have to be looking Somewhere. Maybe his gaze just happened to land on you and he realized that he hadn't meant to ask you to dance, had no graceful way out of the situation, and was scowling at himself for doing something dumb.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

The guy then kept stepping closer to where we were standing and looking back at us. There was no one behind us, so it was pretty weird.

He sounds a bit strange. I have no idea what really went on there between you but scowling at someone is, at best, inconsiderate. Maybe simply avoid him for now him and dance with people who are less off-putting. You'll improve with time and he may come to regret his scowl.

 

[MissPigeon]

Honestly, don't worry about it. One of my most important lessons in life was my development of PAW theory: People Are Weird. Sometimes they do inexplicable things, and it's very rarely personal.

Next time you see him he'll either dance with you (and you'll realise that whatever was going on there was nothing to do with you) or he won't and you'll continue to happily dance with others. Don't sweat it.

Thank you for your kind words! The PAW theory is definitely something I should keep in mind sometimes too.

 

[ProgressNotPerfection]

Maybe he was scowling at sudden stomach cramps, or toothache, or migraine, or something completely unrelated to you, and the timing was just such that he seemed to be scowling at you, rather than scowling at whatever his problem was, while he happened to be facing you directly.

Don't fall into the trap of overanalyzing every interaction or assuming it must always have been something you did wrong.

 

[Bailango]

Social dancing is a pretty brittle social environment, particularly because dancing tends to cause emotions to run strong. Without a separate channel of communication, one wrong or untimely facial expression can easily break a relationship with a fellow dancer altogether -- unless, that is, both parties are willing and able to figure out how to sidestep that outcome.

The advantages/disadvantages of cabaceo in AT have been much discussed. Without opining upon it generally, it seems to me that it tends to make that particular problem even trickier. (To be clear, I am not criticizing the model; merely suggesting that it's useful to be aware of its strengths and weaknesses.)

I might expect classmates to have more chances to communicate than people who only interact at dances. But, those relationships can be complicated, too. I certainly had some classmates such that there was greater tolerance for being paired as students in the classroom than as partners on a social dance floor. Sometimes that tolerance differential was entirely mutual. Sometimes it was lopsided.

How you might feel about your experience and what you might do about it depend largely on your goals. Is it important to develop a relationship (of any sort) with Bob? Is it important to develop your own dance skills? Just starting with those questions -- Bob might be more ... useful ... to you for one of those things than the other. Not that, in general, I like to assess people in terms of personal utility; however it is one way to achieve a dispassionate analysis. (I caution against relying *only* upon dispassionate analysis, but it seems almost as bad to lack it altogether.)

Well put together. Good synopsis of social dancing environment.

 

[Paja]

For beginners is good to know difference between MIRADA and CABECEO. Process should start with mirada and if both have firm connection by eyes, then leader do cabeceo as question and follower send cabeceo as answer. Follower should have a chance to cancel mirada if she do not want answer cabeceo. Of course it is sometimes embarrasing feeling when my cabeceo is not accepted, if moment later she accepts cabeceo from someone else, but this is life and maybe they have a deal to dance this tanda together.
I never heard about such case, when mirada turns into leaders "negative" cabeceo as express of disgustion. The same rule is for followers, if my cabeceo is not accepted, she just cancel mirada with me, not return ugly cabeceo. To face such behavior, I would ask directly this lady what is wrong. And if she has a black list and I am honored to be there, I would place her to my as well (but for this I need to open such list).

 

[JournalInTime]

Let me pile on to affirm that:

1. People are weird. So weird! I'm a male leader. I just about always dance with female followers. I've had the same woman shrug and indifferently accept my invitation one evening, almost physically drag me onto the floor the next, stare glacially in my general direction the one after that, flirt shamelessly and almost scare me off after that, and so on, in a pattern that feels like someone rolling dice for a twisted party game. Which brings us to . . .

2. Not everything is personal, even when someone is looking right at you. You have no way of knowing what they are going through outside of tango. Beyond that, they might be trying hard to impress someone else or, weirdly, to respect you by avoiding you because they think they're "in the way" or that it's you who has no interest in them. Or they could've just come down with a migraine, or realized that they forgot to send in their tax return.

If it's somebody who's barely even an acquaintance, you have the right attitude: ignore them and let it go. Only if you know them well enough that you've had meaningful conversations about serious subjects should you ask them about it . . . but in that case, I really do mean "should," as friends care about how friends are doing. And if the former becomes the latter, the issue is typically resolved in the becoming.

 

[Rabbit]

Let me pile on to affirm that:

1. People are weird. So weird! I'm a male leader. I just about always dance with female followers. I've had the same woman shrug and indifferently accept my invitation one evening, almost physically drag me onto the floor the next, stare glacially in my general direction the one after that, flirt shamelessly and almost scare me off after that, and so on, in a pattern that feels like someone rolling dice for a twisted party game. Which brings us to . . .

Sounds suspiciously like computer game dialogue tbh, maybe that milonga is a simulation?