Lost interest in friends and social life

V

VronskyWasSoVain

Active Member
I love ballroom. I love competition. I don't really like the competition itself but more of the preparation. It brings everything into focus.

I discovered ballroom dancing by accident. I went into it because I thought learning to dance would be a good way to meet women. I was coming out of a bad breakup and I had no idea how to meet women. I stumbled upon ballroom and fell in love. Well, in short, I fell in love with my first dance instructor. But anyways, I didn't end up meeting any prospective women. I'm still single. And I learned to respect my dance instructor. And during this rollercoaster ride, I genuinely fell in love with ballroom dance.

To the point now that I've lost interest in a social life. None of my friends dance. They lead boring lives. They go to work and they go home to their spouses and watch netflix. And they make plans to buy big houses and raise kids. Once a month, I go to the bar with my friends and that's good. But I feel there's nothing for me in the bar and club scene. It just involves spending a lot of money on alcohol and talking about boring stuff. I'd rather go to a social dance event.

I've lost interest in my friends. I've lost interest in meeting new people unless they dance. I love the structure training for a competition gives me. I drink less alcohol. I eat healthier. I love the discipline. Yes I'm attracted to my instructors but I have more than one now and I know our relationship is professional and I don't give a fudge.

Yes I spend a lot of money but it's not eating into my savings. I make sure I'm able to pay for all of this with cash and not based on credit. It is a lot of money. But it makes me happy. And I think I'm addicted.
 
Could be. I actually identify with a lot of it (except I started as 1/2 of a "wedding dance couple", I have a house/spouse/kid, and I don't eat any healthier).

Ballroom dance can be addictive, if you read enough and talk to people you will find that is the general consensus.

Money - as long as the aforementioned discipline applies to budgeting as well (I cannot stress enough the importance of tracking your spending - seeing the numbers alone will boost your willpower).

One thing that stuck out to me - no interest in social life or meeting new people. Me neither. I don't see that as a bad thing, it's just recognition and acceptance of my introverted tendencies. I'm happy with a small group of friends/acquaintances that share a common interest. I've never been a drinker/bar hopper and I'm completely uninterested in most commonly accepted past-times around here. I like ballroom dance and that's how I want to spend my available spare time. I have no desire to add anyone else to my life just for the sake of friend accumulation. And that's OK. I had a realization a couple weeks ago that "opportunity to meet new people!" as a pitch for an event or activity actually has the opposite effect on me.

Forget whatever you think society expects of you (within reason). At the end of the day there are no rewards for it. Do what makes you happy (e.g. ballroom dance) while you have the opportunity and don't waste time on optional activities that you genuinely don't care for. This gets easier as life progresses.
 
Dangerous? I'd say, not.

Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine

Although you are limiting your social outlets, you still have the one that is most important to you.
 
@IndyLady

At least you've got the spouse and kids part down. So the fact that you work, have a family, AND manage to do ballroom as a hobby is more than what most "normal" folks get up to. Most married folks that I know just go to work and spend time with their kids and if they're really feeling edgy, go on a vacation without the kids to somewhere warm.

Not trying to be judgmental at all. But I feel I'm being judged for being a bachelor and using my heard-earned money on entirely artistic hobbies. But I've pretty much quit social media and cut myself off from except a handful of close friends whom I can talk about anything with and who know me well and so living my life and walking this path that I've chosen is much easier.

@Steve Pastor

Outside of fellow students from my dance studio, social dance events and my bandmates (I play in a rock band), I don't much social outlets. I haven't been in a meet-new-people type of situation for a long time now. And I don't have a desire to. I like people who like the arts whether it's dance or music or even paint (even though I don't paint at all but I still respect the talent).

It's funny because most people out there don't do anything. They go to work. Go to the bar to get a beer and watch some sports. Talk about their boring lives with other boring people. And that's it. And the thing is, I used to be one of those people for most of my adult life until I formed my first band and then it's like a light went off my head and then I decided to go even more adventurous and try out ballroom and boom, it's like I'm a completely different person.
 
Sounds like you're MGTOW (Google it). Which stands for the philosophy of Men Going Their Own Way. Now a lot of MGTOW are female haters, but I don't think that's necessary to be MGTOW. At it's core, men who subscribe to MGTOW simply refuse to be forced into traditional societal roles, ie you must be a husband/father/provider. You can be MGTOW and still be a ballroom dancer, if that's the way you've chosen. But you'll have to be respectful of the ladies to be successful at it.
 
There will always be people who judge you for something. Since you are passionate about dance, the dance world is where you stand a good chance for a romance with someone who shares your passion. But you will probably have better success finding her while you are pursuing dance, not while you are pursuing women.
 
I don't know your age but you seem like you are going through the phase that everyone goes through, meaning you will continue to grow apart from people you knew and probably felt close to but have nothing in common with anymore. It is normal. You will continue to associate yourself with people more aligned with what you value and that may mean less (quantity-wise) friends but more people you can be yourself with.
 
@snapdancer
Hmm not sure I fit into that. I googled it and it seems like the men who make up that community don't actually enjoy being single but are being single as a way to somehow "punish" women by removing themselves from the dating pool. It's almost like they are trying too hard to convince themselves. And I honestly don't see women concerned about mgtow so whatever their cause is, it's not working.

As for me, I've never minded that much being alone. It's more that the people around me couldn't accept the fact. I also could never hate women. There have been women who have been attracted to me before. I'm not universally unattractive. Also I could never hate an entire group of people. Being a member of a visible minority, I know how it feels when someone for some reason hates your race and that feels terrible to be on the receiving side of that. I take people one person at a time. No two people are the same.

Also, I do want to find someone, it's just that I'm picky too. It's just that I struggle with identity and self-confidence issues and so I'm not good at expressing myself to the world. To connect with people, you have to send out signals and see who is interested back. When you're full of inner conflict and not confident, I've been sending the wrong signals and attracting the wrong kind of people. I'm getting better at this.

@kckc
Yah it's totally happening to me now and I'm just letting it and going with the flow. I feel the way I feel. And nobody can force something that just isn't there.

@Caroline Skipper

Sometimes I look at all the couples walking out on the street and what keeps them together and why I don't have it. I think sometimes and this is gonna sound awfully arrogant, but boring people hang around with other boring people. Maybe two people just enjoy doing boring things together.

Even back in the day before I discovered ballroom dance and I was just doing what others around me was doing, I always felt this emptiness. I never felt totally at ease. I'm not saying ballroom is like some holy grail savior thing for me but it's made a huge impact on my life.
 
You've pointed out the bad part of MGTOW, I was in no way suggesting that you join the MGTOW community. I myself have not, but I find that part of their core philosophy as I related earlier to be of interest. Taken in balance and nowhere close to any extreme.
 
What's their core belief exactly?

One thing to note is a lot of my annoyance and sensitivity at being questioned for being a bachelor comes from other MEN. Women oddly enough have never questioned or criticized me for the way I'm living my life. It's always been other guys which is odd because I thought women were stereotypically the ones who were needy and in desperate need of being partnered up.

MGTOW seems to think that it's women who are the ones being critical of men who chose to live the bachelor life.
 
MGTOW stands for "Men Going Their Own Way". As in not letting society dictate that they are obligated to be husbands/breadwinners/whatever. Otherwise there are different flavors of MGTOW, you don't have to be a woman hater or rant endlessly about how unfairly women are treated.

Maybe some of the men are jealous of you for not being obligated. No matter. Just set your own course, but not recommending anything radical like living "off the grid" in a mountain cabin. Sounds like maybe you're already doing that, but maybe feeling a bit guilty for not meeting societal expectations. Let go of that and do what you like to do, perhaps even dancing.
 
@snapdancer

Haha. These days, if you don't use social media, you're considered "off the grid." Besides a few close friends, my bandmates, my family, and people I see when I'm dancing, I'm as good as dead.

But yeah, I get your point. We only have one life to live. Live it the way we want.
 
@Larinda McRaven

I think I wasn't totally clear when I said other people are boring. I meant to say, people who just go to work and come home and watch netflix are boring. Those people you mentioned have hobbies and I totally respect that. It doesn't matter how "lame" a hobby is. And yeah, there are people who think ballroom is lame too. I have one friend who enjoys baking pies, pickling fermented vegetables and grows his own vegetables and garden as hobbies. That's totally cool and I don't consider him boring even though I have no interest in his hobbies.

Unfortunately, most of my friends truly are boring which is the case of this thread. Besides going to work, they just save money so they can buy a big house out in the suburbs and they literally do.....NOTHING. I mean, they cook, eat, and sometimes they go on a trip. Watch netflix.

Also, interesting thing about your comment about why young pretty girls would do ballroom. I go to social dances where I dance with these "young pretty girls" and when I tell them I do ballroom, they always express delight and say they wish they could do it but the cost is the main issue. And most of the young attractive teachers in ballroom are young pretty ladies who did ballet when they were young and did ballroom later on. So if ballroom is full of old geezers and hags, how is it still around? Wouldn't it have died off long time ago if there were no influx of young ppl who get into it?

Btw, I'm 35 years old. I'm old enough to have lost interest in the clubbing and bar scene and young enough to pursue ballroom dancing and have the potential to become good at it, provided I can keep affording it.
My comment about the social media thing was sarcasm. I hate social media and I don't use it.

Another thing, you're totally right that you live your life according to your values....until you change. People change at their own pace and at their own rate. I myself am an example of that. If you had told me about ballroom dance just 5 years ago or so, I would have scoffed at it. So yah, I agree that maybe I am a little too harsh on others. Except most people don't take any type of "risk" or go out of their comfort zone at all.
 
Larinda McRaven said:
what young pretty girl really wants to hang around with old geezers
Click to expand...

Have to say my current favorite partners are 26 and maybe early 30s. But then, maye I'm not quite in the geezer demographic yet. Still looking at a 40 year age difference. They both seem to enjoy dancing with me, and are comfortale enough to sing while we're dancing (I do too sometimes) That'ssoemthing I've rarely run across before.
And here's a song I just heard last week.

VWSV, you aren't the only one who sometimes looks at couples and wonders why...

On the other hand are all the new partners I've found over the years; partners I most likely would not have enjoyed as half of a couple. Found anouther one laast night. And, man, have I had good fortune with AT the past few months.
(Would guess bounce in West Coast as an artifact of jive or LIndy?)
 
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