Lost interest in friends and social life

@Steve Pastor

I found that comment to be particularly strikingly mean as well and I hope you don't take it to heart. I'm mid 30's but I look younger. The dance studio I primarily go to is made up mostly of elderly ladies and gentlemen. I'm one of the few young students there. I've always been treated kindly and it's unlikely I would have continued dancing if not for such a supportive, encouraging environment.

I am sometimes questioned by my friends why I keep going to dance in an environment where there's hardly anybody my age. Don't I want to potentially meet some young ladies? I don't give a damn. I may have started dancing cause I wanted to meet more young women but now that I have fallen in love with it, I'm doing it for me and me alone. Besides, I did the whole the bar and club and alcohol scene already and I'm done with it. I'd rather engage in a healthy hobby with healthy-minded people.
 
I don't think Larinda meant anything mean, but sounds like she Does have a young woman in the house, and I understand how that kind of thinking might prevail. After all, my younger dance partner is a Mature 26 years old.
 
IIRC, it wasn't very long ago (barely a couple of months in fact) you posted on the forum you were feeling 'burnt out' by dancing and thought you ought to take a break from it. I'm glad that you now seem to have got past this hump and that your passion for partnered dancing seems to have been reignited.

I would suggest though that genuine friends remain genuine friends even if they no longer share your interests/hobbies. You're at risk of sounding like one of those people who meets a new boyfriend/girlfriend and then practically disappear from the face of the earth, lost in a comprehensive communications blackout...until you break up. And then when you find another new boyfriend/girlfriend, the cycle repeats itself. I'm certainly not saying whether that's right or wrong, good or bad. We're all adults and grown ups free to make our own choices.

Just remember, boredom is merely a state of mind. As the saying goes 'Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.' ;)
 
@Larinda McRaven @c955

I've thought about all of this. I think it perhaps is arrogant of me to be so judgmental of others just because I stumbled upon a hobby that I now love to do. But as for keeping in touch with friends who are genuine, I think genuine friends in general are hard to come by. Most friendships form out of convenience because you get along and you're crossing paths. Being a bachelor guy, I felt "ditched" by most of my friends who got married. Hard to say who exactly ditched who.

As for ballroom being generally full of elderly people, I couldn't care less now that I like the activity for the activity itself. Elderly people are nicer and less judgmental. Being someone who has always been socially anxious and has tried countering it with alcohol use, I probably never would have survived ballroom if it were full of judgmental young people where the guys are trying to one-up one another in order to get the girls and the girls are all drawn to the alpha male in the room. I don't know if this makes me a "loser" amongst my peers in my age group but I think I'm really just taking a path less travelled.
 
VronskyWasSoVain said:
I love ballroom. I love competition. I don't really like the competition itself but more of the preparation. It brings everything into focus.

I discovered ballroom dancing by accident. I went into it because I thought learning to dance would be a good way to meet women. I was coming out of a bad breakup and I had no idea how to meet women. I stumbled upon ballroom and fell in love. Well, in short, I fell in love with my first dance instructor. But anyways, I didn't end up meeting any prospective women. I'm still single. And I learned to respect my dance instructor. And during this rollercoaster ride, I genuinely fell in love with ballroom dance.

To the point now that I've lost interest in a social life. None of my friends dance. They lead boring lives. They go to work and they go home to their spouses and watch netflix. And they make plans to buy big houses and raise kids. Once a month, I go to the bar with my friends and that's good. But I feel there's nothing for me in the bar and club scene. It just involves spending a lot of money on alcohol and talking about boring stuff. I'd rather go to a social dance event.

I've lost interest in my friends. I've lost interest in meeting new people unless they dance. I love the structure training for a competition gives me. I drink less alcohol. I eat healthier. I love the discipline. Yes I'm attracted to my instructors but I have more than one now and I know our relationship is professional and I don't give a fudge.

Yes I spend a lot of money but it's not eating into my savings. I make sure I'm able to pay for all of this with cash and not based on credit. It is a lot of money. But it makes me happy. And I think I'm addicted.
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I think it is normal to go through different phases in your life. You might be more gregarious for a couple of years and then you might spend a couple of years intensely training something, so it can be normal to go back and forth like that.

I suppose if you recognize it as a weakness for a long period of time and then you choose to do nothing about it it can start to be a problem. But maybe there's nothing wrong right now.
 
Larinda McRaven said:
I still think it is limiting to call anyone who goes home after work to netflix and chill while managing their money well so they can buy a nice big house as boring .... They are not boring. YOU are bored by their choices. There is a difference. Saying "I would be so bored going home after work to watching tv and my bank account grow" is about you and your choices. Calling other people boring for making decisions that you would not is ... well... actually pretty mean yourself.
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Agreed! Some of the most interesting people I know go home after work and just watch Netflix. A good friend of mine who b-lines home to watch TV works for Space X—he literally spends the majority of his day testing and designing rocket parts. That's super interesting and hardly what I'd call boring.

I've learned over the years that whenever I've found someone boring it's because I didn't put enough effort in to get to know them. I don't think I've bumped into a person that didn't have at least one thing we could both agree was fun and give me some good conversation if I'm willing to dig and they're willing to let me dig.

VronskyWasSoVain said:
@Larinda McRaven @c955

I've thought about all of this. I think it perhaps is arrogant of me to be so judgmental of others just because I stumbled upon a hobby that I now love to do. But as for keeping in touch with friends who are genuine, I think genuine friends in general are hard to come by. Most friendships form out of convenience because you get along and you're crossing paths. Being a bachelor guy, I felt "ditched" by most of my friends who got married. Hard to say who exactly ditched who.
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As the only single person left in my friend group (all of my good friends are either married, engaged, or in very serious long-term relationships) I went through a phase like this for a little bit and then I realized it was all on me. Were my friends busier? Sure. Did that mean I should reach out to them less because they said no more often? Absolutely not. Sure enough, when I started asking them to hang out more they started returning the gesture. Now I'm friends with them and their significant others which has really only expanded the number of people I can ask to do things.
 
@10tmf
I didn't mean all professions. I'd say if you're a doctor or you work for SpaceX or Google or you're some sorta entrepreneur or creative person, I'd say your career is probably your passion. But for most people, their careers are just a way to make a living. They don't hate it but they don't love it either.

I realize a lot of it is a bad attitude on my part. I don't get on with their significant others as well. It's not a personal thing. Our personalities just don't mesh. And my friends just act differently when their spouses are around. It's just not the same. They are still dear to me and we see each other once a month or so but they're definitely not as big part of my life as before. Luckily for me, I've found a community that's much more important to me and authentic to who I am as a person. I love dance and music. And I've found a community in both these areas. And I'm very lucky to have met a few great individuals in both of them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yeah, human relationships are always changing and evolving and so are you.
 
Larinda McRaven said:
(It is funny, I am really not a mean person and would not say things in a mean spirit in person or online, pretty much ever But I am almost always characterized as being incredibly intense and to the point. Which online is seen as ... mean. Oh well. Those that know me in person realize this, and those that have known me for my 15 years at DF have learned to read me with a softer tone than one would first assume. Choose to be offended or not, the choice is yours)
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Having met Larinda in person, I can attest that she is not a mean person and does not say mean-spirited things. I can also attest she's intense. As someone who also gets called mean for not sugar-coating on-line, I consider her a role model of how to be kind but honest and to the point.

And I have to agree that saying someone's life is boring because they work, want to buy a house, watch Netflix, and go on trips, is pretty judgmental. Dance is not the only exciting or interesting thing out there. Nor is music. I mean, funnily enough, you know where I just met a lot of people who like to dance? Going on a trip. Dance was a nice amenity, but it's not the reason I booked the trip and not the reason most of the other people there had. For 99% of us who learn ballroom, it's a hobby and only a hobby. It's not better or worse than any other reasonably healthy hobby. It's not better or worse than saving for a house. Boring is 100% relative. I actually find ballroom socials pretty boring after a while. I'd rather go to an art museum some days. Or take a driving vacation. Or go to a sci-fi con. Meanwhile, my brother likes to go to the opera. I am bored out of my mind by opera. I also have zero interest in most concerts. Things that sell out a year in advance I wouldn't go to if you gave me tickets. Baseball is the most mind-numbing thing I can imagine sitting through. That doesn't meant it's boring, that means I personally don't like it. If other people opt to spend their money on any of those things, obviously it's not boring to them.

And it's absolutely, 100%, not your job and none of your business whether someone leaves their "comfort zone." You have no idea what their comfort zone actually is or why they're comfortable there. Complaining that people don't do what you deem enough to 'broaden their minds' is in fact very judgmental and somewhat elitist. (Yes, that attitude in general is a pet peeve of mind. It's the eat-pray-love-barf notion that if you aren't hitchhiking across Bangladesh or drilling wells for Kalahari villages you're not REALLY traveling. Someone else's horizons are their call, not anyone else's.)
 
VronskyWasSoVain said:
I didn't mean all professions. I'd say if you're a doctor or you work for SpaceX or Google or you're some sorta entrepreneur or creative person, I'd say your career is probably your passion. But for most people, their careers are just a way to make a living. They don't hate it but they don't love it either.
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How many of your fellow DFers and fellow dancers, do you suppose, are doctors or work at SpaceX or Google or are entrepreneurs or creative?

Be wary of defining yourself or anyone else solely by a dancer vs. non-dancer metric.
 
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I know of 5 doctors in the local dance community. I've determined that there's not much correlation between having a medical degree and dance skills.
 
snapdancer said:
I know of 5 doctors in the local dance community. I've determined that there's not much correlation between having a medical degree and dance skills.
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I do find that there are a lot of doctors, engineers, accountants, etc. in my local dance scene. Probably because professionals like this can actually afford dance lessons. And, yes, they do tend to be older, with the kids grown. Not everyone fits that mold, of course, but it does tend to trend that way.
 
OP I know you're taking a lot of heat for the "boring Netflix" remarks - I suspect it just came out a little harsher than intended, but I sort of know what you mean in the sense that I have a hard time relating to and making conversation in those situations. There's often either nothing to say or else it's TV/movie plot discussions about shows I've never seen and never will (and half the time, have never heard of in the first place).

I'm not a great conversationalist anyway unless there's some topic in common that both parties are intensely interested in, so that's a lot of it too. One of the things I like about dance is that it is a way to interact with people without an expectation of holding a non-awkward conversation (I make it a point to *not* talk and potentially distract leaders, especially newer ones). And then if we do happen to talk later, at least we have a starting point.
 
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