Made (yet another) social dancing mistake...

J

JustLiving08

New Member
I was at a west coast swing social dance this past week, and one particular incident really shook me up and apparently, I'm still not over it. Some info, I hardly turn down anyone when I'm dancing WCS. I will dance with just about everyone, from all levels. If you ask me, I will say yes.

This past week, one guy asked me to dance and I could not follow him. I couldn't even recognize his basics, and everything just felt really off. Like I felt like I couldn't even do my basics because he was cutting me off or just leading it incorrectly. In fact, it felt like east coast swing to me at times (that's how much I was confused by his lead, I wasn't even sure he was leading WCS). I actually asked him at one point if he was leading east coast swing, I know a little east coast swing so that I could probably fake my way through it versus being confused the entire dance. Which, ok in hindsight probably wasn't the best idea. I think he definitely felt self conscious at that point and he was like, no I'm leading west coast swing and he seemed offended, which I totally understand. It wasn't a good call on my end.

Anyways, I continued to dance with him, following the best I could. I guess at one point I spaced out, I honestly don't even know... it's like I was dancing and the next thing I know he stops me and tells me I look bored, not interested or like I'm not having fun. He says we can stop dancing if I wanted. I was very taken back because I've never had anyone do that to that to me before, I reassured him I was fine (made some poor/lame excuses I'm sure that were not believable at all) and we finished the dance.

I've spaced out before while dancing, never in a social though so this was a first. (I've spaced out when I've danced with my instructors in class but it's always been for a short period of time.)

I mean, I felt so bad... because however I came off, I did not mean for that to happen. I'm usually always smiling when I'm dancing with someone at a social, regardless of what I'm feeling so I guess I just really slipped up this time. (I've danced with people before who don't smile, look like they're angry, not having fun, etc. through the entire dance, so I know what it's like to be self conscious and thinking it's you.)

I sought him out again a few songs later and asked him to dance. (He seemed to do a bit better the second time around.) I definitely encouraged him afterwards and during, and said that he should continue to come out and dance. Whatever I said though, just sounded wrong. Like I would have been better off just keeping my mouth shut. I hope he didn't think I was being fake...

ugh... I think I came off as a snob when I really did not mean for that to happen. :(
 
my sense it that your initial polite inquiry...and then your greater need to sort of turn of your logic and feel what was trying to happen, appeared to be vacancy to someone who already picked up on their being a problem due to your inadvertant acknowlegement of one...I think you should forgive yourself for being a human being...you clearly meant no offense....let yourself off the hook...itf you read this post and it was made by someone else, I'd wager money that your would reassure them of the same
 
never feels good when this happens but I think you did your best...thing is...he may have a bumped ego but it is within his power to choose how long to nurse it
 
He continued to dance through the night, so that was good. I tried to watch him with other people when I could, just to see if maybe it was just me. He danced with this one pretty experienced follower, and they looked fine for the most part (or she made them look good, I'm not sure). I tried to catch him with someone who was more near my level (beg/int) but wasn't able to.

Oh well, learning experience, right? :)
 
well...sometimes it isn't even a matter of learning something...I mean sometimes it just isn't pleasant...shrug
 
I think the only thing you did "wrong" was enable his avoidance of the real issue - The dancing.

All you did was, God forbid, let him know you were having difficulty following. There is never anything wrong with admitting that.

He was the one who sunk it to a personal level by accusing you of acting bored. He coupled it with the offer to end the dance soon, which some dancers find embarrassing. This put you on the defensive on a personal level, and enabled him to avoid the real problem - The dancing.

The end result was you felt badly, like you had done something wrong, and wanted to protect his feelings. He continued on his merry little brand of dancing, unwilling and unable to accomodate for your needs as a dancer. Dancers like him will never learn a single thing about social dancing.

(Well, that is my thoroughly unlicensed and highly opinionated opinion.)
 
Me said:
I think the only thing you did "wrong" was enable his avoidance of the real issue - The dancing.

All you did was, God forbid, let him know you were having difficulty following. There is never anything wrong with admitting that.

He was the one who sunk it to a personal level by accusing you of acting bored. He coupled it with the offer to end the dance soon, which some dancers find embarrassing. This put you on the defensive on a personal level, and enabled him to avoid the real problem - The dancing.

The end result was you felt badly, like you had done something wrong, and wanted to protect his feelings. He continued on his merry little brand of dancing, unwilling and unable to accomodate for your needs as a dancer. Dancers like him will never learn a single thing about social dancing.

(Well, that is my thoroughly unlicensed and highly opinionated opinion.)
Click to expand...

:applause:
 
I'm curious: if the leader really believes that the follower is not enjoying the dance, what do followers consider the most appropriate action? To just grin and bear it, or to ask if there's something the leader can do to make it more fun, or to start a conversation, or to offer the follower an easy way to get away from the (possibly very uncomfortably matched) leader? Or something else?
 
Sometimes all we can do is extend earnest good will, and give others the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the same. We all have awkward moments when we realize we said or did something less than perfectly; but with good will, sooner or later it all comes out in the wash.
 
ohhhh boy...

I will never forget how guilty I felt when I corrected a fellow newcomer.
"If you don't raise your arm, I don't know that you want me to turn."
Granted we knew what the lesson was focusing on, basic under arm turn.
But as soon as it came out my mouth, and I got a look from the couple next to us, who I was good friends with... I knew it was outta line.
I felt SO guilty about that correction that I skipped classes for a whole week. Didn't dance at all.
I'd MUCH rather be at the receiving end of corrections, in a setting where I get my corrections from a pro I respect, as opposed to giving them to a peer.
Social dance isn't for me.
 
atk said:
I'm curious: if the leader really believes that the follower is not enjoying the dance, what do followers consider the most appropriate action? To just grin and bear it, or to ask if there's something the leader can do to make it more fun, or to start a conversation, or to offer the follower an easy way to get away from the (possibly very uncomfortably matched) leader? Or something else?
Click to expand...

Usually I try not to show that I'm bored, confused, or whatever, but if the leader catches on (as in this case), I usually will just bear through it. I try and always find something though to work on in dances like that (e.g. my connection, practice styling my basics, etc.), if anything it helps me stay more focused. (Excluding this one incident of course. =P) Sometimes I'll start a conversation, but I do this rarely since I usually can't hear too well over the music.

Unfortunately I'm not advanced enough (or really in any position) to give advice or help when the leader asks for it. Not to mention I don't always know the leader's part, e.g. in WCS it's not simply a reflection of my steps so I can't even break down the basic steps for them. (Well, I could but I doubt I'd be helping them much since I don't know how correct I would be.)
 
wonderwoman said:
ohhhh boy...

I will never forget how guilty I felt when I corrected a fellow newcomer.
"If you don't raise your arm, I don't know that you want me to turn."
Granted we knew what the lesson was focusing on, basic under arm turn.
But as soon as it came out my mouth, and I got a look from the couple next to us, who I was good friends with... I knew it was outta line.
I felt SO guilty about that correction that I skipped classes for a whole week. Didn't dance at all.
I'd MUCH rather be at the receiving end of corrections, in a setting where I get my corrections from a pro I respect, as opposed to giving them to a peer.
Social dance isn't for me.
Click to expand...

There is so much in this post that makes me sad.

Dance is a communication between people. At its best it is non-verbal, but at the beginning, or when learning new things, we have to discuss between the partners how the dancing feels, what works, what doesn't. Sometimes we have to let the partner know that something isn't working, so that it can be fixed. There's no need to feel guilty about it.

If you were talking over a teacher and impeding the instruction that would be another matter. If you were denigrating the partner, making them feel bad or saying that they couldn't dance, that would be another matter.

Reminding a leader that an underarm turn starts with a raised hand is a courtesy, if done right. Unless it was said in a demeaning manner, it shouldn't send you fleeing from the group class because you as a beginner knew what you were doing and dared mention it to your partner.


Social
1.pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations: a social club. 2.seeking or enjoying the companionship of others; friendly; sociable; gregarious.


Friendly, constructive criticism or reminder is how we learn anything. Better that the leader correct his lead with you than you keeping quiet and he rotates through many silent partners leading it wrong, getting progressively more frustrated, while the rest of the class progresses on.

Another way to handle this would be to ask the teacher to go over the lead for the underarm turn, if you think the leader will take your suggestion wrong.

In either case, don't let one faux pas keep you from group classes. You can learn much more about and improve your own connection by dancing socially with many dancers. Fine tune in a private lesson, but experience as many different leads as you can. You will be a better dancer for it.

And whiile this might stick in your mind as very embarrassing, most likely the other parties don't even remember it now.

Also remember that none of us are perfect. Feet will be stepped on. Leads will be early or late. Followers reactions will be early or late. Connections are lost. We work on our dance, hopefully without losing side of the social aspect. It's fun. Enjoy.:D
 
I know this sort of thing has come up before and that a lot of people here think it is improper to correct someone at a social, but I agree with bjp. So long as it is done in a polite and friendly manner, it is actually helpful. I am very grateful to partners who guide me to be a better dancer and partner.
 
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