My partner "likes" me too much.
- Thread starter monisia
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tanya_the_dancer
Well-Known Member
I'm referring to Warren and the other guy who posted before you.
bia
Forum Master
Oh, one more thing I wanted to mention, since the OP's partner did -- until and unless you are entirely comfortable with this guy, do NOT share a hotel room with him when you travel for comps, regardless of ballroom convention, affordability, whatever. We don't have to get into the whole room sharing discussion again; the upshot was that everyone should do what they're comfortable with. Please don't be tempted to overrule your gut just to have a dance partner.
suburbaknght
Well-Known Member
I hate to admit this, but when I was younger that was exactly how I interpreted these situations. It wasn't until I grew up and learned to see women as people and not some strange "other," people who I needed to respect, including respecting what a woman said and her boundaries, that I realized how skeevy that attitude was. And then, amazingly enough, once I began living my life with that respect I was a lot more successful with women.
Yes there are men who won't understand when a girl says she's not interested. I know the OP and the man she's referring to, and I don't believe he's someone like that (we had a discussion about this off-board before the post), but there is a whole range in male persons. Guys are cowards and boys are immature, but men are in a class all their own.
See: the best rant about "nice guys" on the Internet.
For the record, the one time I was interested in my dance partner romantically I simply asked her out. I did this when we were not at a lesson or a dance venue and without beating around the bush. While she said no, keeping it removed from the dancing allowed the partnership to continue for some time after. There is a right way to do this and a wrong way, and the OP is describing someone doing it the wrong way.
fascination
Site Moderator
another aspect of this is that just because someone who has feelings for their partner knows that the feelings aren't returned, doesn't mean that their own difficulties/struggles with those feelings will evaporate...it could go bad regardless...it is hard to talk a heart out of what it feels..and it is hard to be in a scenario like that day after day regardless of whether or not it is unambiguous on the part of the other person
Warren J. Dew
Forum Master
No, it's not. The "you know ... right?" makes it sound like you're not sure.
The thing is, words are sometimes used to discuss objective facts, and sometimes they're used for emotional reinforcement, where the actual meaning of the words is less important.
When you stick the "you know ... right" in there, it makes the statement ambiguous in this respect, because it starts to sound like the statement really means "I need emotional support and I'd like you to agree with me" rather than "I don't want to sleep with you". If you mean the latter, say the latter, and don't add unnecessary verbiage.
Look at it from the guy's point of view for a moment. He doesn't know whether the woman can't ever be interested in having any kind of personal relationship with him, or whether she's actually interested, but just not right now. She's already agreed to dance with him, so he's likely to make the optimistic assumption that the latter is the case.
Given the assumption that she's interested, just not right now, what's she expected to do? That's right, she's expected to make some excuse for now, but to save his feelings to keep the door open for later. And that's exactly what turning him down but saving his feelings is likely to sound like, given his expectations.
When she adds the "saving his feelings" part, it's not saying "no", it's saying "maybe". It's better just to be honest and straightforward if you want a healthy dance partnership.
Warren J. Dew
Forum Master
Also a good point. Truly being nice in this situation would mean accepting that it might be better for the guy to drop the dance partnership as well.
Yes do talk things out with your partner and be clear that you do not want to go beyond the dance partnership and develop a romantic relationship and hopefully he'll be cool with that. There is a possibility that the partnership could end or things will become awkward or that his feelings towards you won't go away and might resurface later on, or even that his behavior is not because he is interested in you but because of something else. In any case, I hope everything works out for you.
bia
Forum Master
All right, Warren, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. I am extremely aware of the nuances of communication and the fact that word choices are often more about communication of emotions or the construction of interpersonal relations rather than pure communication of information. Because of this, the meaning of any given set of words in conversation is fully interpretable only in the context of the identities of the individuals involved, their social/cultural backgrounds, and their relationship to each other. (So your interpretation of my suggested words is indeed one possible interpretation, but not the only one.) Since the OP knows the individuals and the relationship best, I'm back to her choosing her own phrasing.
Warren J. Dew
Forum Master
In this case, though, it doesn't sound to me like the original poster would be interested in a romantic or sexual relationship even if the guy was more respectful of her boundaries. Do you think otherwise?
suburbaknght
Well-Known Member
I think they'll both be a lot better off if the OP makes her boundaries clear and the guy respects them. It removes conflict from the partnership and the guy can find a girl who's interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him.
nucat78
Active Member
:cheers: Funny how time can reverse roles... ;-)