My S.O. wants us both to quit dancing, but I don't.
- Thread starter pygmalion
- Start date
Vin
New Member
Thanks for bringing this post to light Pygmalion.
I definitely understand what two left feet is saying and I actually think it can be very difficult to deal with. The situation is complicated further by the fact that the one that is becoming more enthused is the guy and this is not as accepted socially. I do think this happens alot more often than people realize.
I can say with some certainty that I am more comfortable dancing than my s.o.(I actually am confused about what the status is right now between us but that's a story for another time and place)
She enjoys dancing salsa with me but she does not have that extra that makes it something that she seeks out. I am sure most dance-holics know what I am talking about. I think it can work in this situation for a variety of reasons.
1) She realizes that salsa is important to me, I don't think she realizes that salsa is a lifestyle for me but she does realize that it is a part of my life that I have to give alot to.
2) I realize that salsa is NOT a lifestyle for her. When it was getting to be a lifestyle for me I was very difficult for her to dance with because I was still learning alot and I wished she could dance better so that we could learn faster together. I put way too much pressure on her to learn when she was just not motivated about it like I was.
Since these two realizations on both our parts we have alot more fun going to the clubs together. She does not feel pressure to dance at a certain level and she actually told me that sometimes her favorite part of the night is watching me dance with a die-hard salsera. She does not get jealous like she used to before because I don't put pressure on her to dance to a certain level.
On the bright side she went without salsa for a few weeks and the last time I saw her we danced, she said that she had been missing it. Maybe she will become a die-hard salsera, we can only hope.
I definitely understand what two left feet is saying and I actually think it can be very difficult to deal with. The situation is complicated further by the fact that the one that is becoming more enthused is the guy and this is not as accepted socially. I do think this happens alot more often than people realize.
I can say with some certainty that I am more comfortable dancing than my s.o.(I actually am confused about what the status is right now between us but that's a story for another time and place)
She enjoys dancing salsa with me but she does not have that extra that makes it something that she seeks out. I am sure most dance-holics know what I am talking about. I think it can work in this situation for a variety of reasons.
1) She realizes that salsa is important to me, I don't think she realizes that salsa is a lifestyle for me but she does realize that it is a part of my life that I have to give alot to.
2) I realize that salsa is NOT a lifestyle for her. When it was getting to be a lifestyle for me I was very difficult for her to dance with because I was still learning alot and I wished she could dance better so that we could learn faster together. I put way too much pressure on her to learn when she was just not motivated about it like I was.
Since these two realizations on both our parts we have alot more fun going to the clubs together. She does not feel pressure to dance at a certain level and she actually told me that sometimes her favorite part of the night is watching me dance with a die-hard salsera. She does not get jealous like she used to before because I don't put pressure on her to dance to a certain level.
On the bright side she went without salsa for a few weeks and the last time I saw her we danced, she said that she had been missing it. Maybe she will become a die-hard salsera, we can only hope.
Two Left Feet
New Member
Thanks for moving the post, pygmalion, and for the reply, Vin.
The more I think about this, the more I realize the it can be applied to any situation where one partner is more enthusiastic about a "shared" hobby than another. I think the key for me now is somehow become a motivator without being too pushy and overbearing.
What great fun dancing is. I can't think of a better hobby for a couple to share. Ideally this should be something we can do into our twilight years and it's much more fun and social than, say, gardening.
I'm envious of the folks here who discovered dancing in college (or even earlier), but I still think at 32 I'm not too old to pick it up. But I need to keep the S.O. interested!!
The more I think about this, the more I realize the it can be applied to any situation where one partner is more enthusiastic about a "shared" hobby than another. I think the key for me now is somehow become a motivator without being too pushy and overbearing.
What great fun dancing is. I can't think of a better hobby for a couple to share. Ideally this should be something we can do into our twilight years and it's much more fun and social than, say, gardening.
I'm envious of the folks here who discovered dancing in college (or even earlier), but I still think at 32 I'm not too old to pick it up. But I need to keep the S.O. interested!!
Sagitta
Well-Known Member
No - 32 isn't too late, though those who started younger just have been enjoying it longer. I agree that in some respects it is similar to situations with "other" shared hobbies, but in some respects it isn't. The true nature of partner dancing - the beast, the animal, the lifestyle - is that you are dancing with someone of the opposite gender and it is intimate in some respects. Not only that it involves close contact, often is sensual/sexy... The difficulty is that people often cannot separate the initmacy of teh dance with the intimacy of personal relationship. But, I think that is another story altogether.
Rather then pushing your SO, perhaps you can make dancing with her simpler. If you don't challenge your SO with moves beyond her level then she won't feel pressured and "inferior" because you are better then her? Instead, take advantage of that "thing" you have with her, but that which you don't have with anyone else whom you dance with. Your personal relationship off the dance floor. Use that in your dancing to make it extra special. Open the gates to those pastures, that heaven, as well as the realms which you frolick in when just dancing with someone. Emphasize that difference and let that point also come up in conversation, so she gets verbal confirmation and reassurance. Why dancing with her is special. In one past relationship I discovered that this helped.
Rather then pushing your SO, perhaps you can make dancing with her simpler. If you don't challenge your SO with moves beyond her level then she won't feel pressured and "inferior" because you are better then her? Instead, take advantage of that "thing" you have with her, but that which you don't have with anyone else whom you dance with. Your personal relationship off the dance floor. Use that in your dancing to make it extra special. Open the gates to those pastures, that heaven, as well as the realms which you frolick in when just dancing with someone. Emphasize that difference and let that point also come up in conversation, so she gets verbal confirmation and reassurance. Why dancing with her is special. In one past relationship I discovered that this helped.
Vin
New Member
Sagitta said:
I definitely agree Sagita, great advice. I am normally quite reserved when it comes to women. On the dance floor I do crank up the flirtation a bit but I still hold quite a bit back. When dancing with my gf I have begun to accentuate that aspect of the dance more. I hold or closer than I would hold a random partner or even a friend and my hands tend to slip alot as well.
DWise1
Well-Known Member
Two Left Feet: In honor of you I will briefly resurrect my avatar from another forum. I wanted to make it into an animated GIF, but never had the time.
No, 32 is not too old to start. I started at 48 and I think that some of us here waited until their mid-50's.
The rest I have to say won't sound that encouraging, because it's from my own personal experience.
We started learning dance as a shared activity. My wife has been dancing since she was a child, but I never could learn because everybody who tried ot teach me took the approach of "just do what the music tells you", which was simply beyond me. It took a few years of classes before I could get to that "starting" point they had expected of me. Recently, one partner remarked that she liked that I danced to the music (ie, that I had musicality), though I do not believe that I am anywhere near that point yet. And my wife still believes that I have absolutely no sense of rhythm at all, though she's not seen me dance for more than a year.
You see, I had gone into dancing with the goal of dancing with my wife. We reached a point in WCS where she got fed up with the teacher; he tended to have a gruff manner at times, kind of like guys teaching guys will use (and I believe he was having health problems at the time, which probably didn't help), and she started taking it too personally. So she dropped out and I continued for a few months expecting her to return, but she didn't. So then I dropped out.
Here's the error that I made in my reasoning. I dropped out because I was left with nobody to dance with. I could not imagine dancing with anyone except for my wife. Now that she absolutely refuses to dance with me (or have anything at all to do with me -- this is due apparently to her blaming me for a tragic event a couple years ago, not because of anything dance-related) I have finally learned that the only way that I will ever have a chance to dance will be other women besides her.
Though I truly miss the chance of having that special dance and regret that I will never experience that. Maybe my reasoning is in error there too, but I'm not ready to consider that contingency.
Trying to unmuddle myself here:
Realize that you will need to seek other dance partners. But at the same time, keep having that one special dance partner, even if it's sometimes her "freestyling" type of dance (with enough practice, you might even get good at it).
No, 32 is not too old to start. I started at 48 and I think that some of us here waited until their mid-50's.
The rest I have to say won't sound that encouraging, because it's from my own personal experience.
We started learning dance as a shared activity. My wife has been dancing since she was a child, but I never could learn because everybody who tried ot teach me took the approach of "just do what the music tells you", which was simply beyond me. It took a few years of classes before I could get to that "starting" point they had expected of me. Recently, one partner remarked that she liked that I danced to the music (ie, that I had musicality), though I do not believe that I am anywhere near that point yet. And my wife still believes that I have absolutely no sense of rhythm at all, though she's not seen me dance for more than a year.
You see, I had gone into dancing with the goal of dancing with my wife. We reached a point in WCS where she got fed up with the teacher; he tended to have a gruff manner at times, kind of like guys teaching guys will use (and I believe he was having health problems at the time, which probably didn't help), and she started taking it too personally. So she dropped out and I continued for a few months expecting her to return, but she didn't. So then I dropped out.
Here's the error that I made in my reasoning. I dropped out because I was left with nobody to dance with. I could not imagine dancing with anyone except for my wife. Now that she absolutely refuses to dance with me (or have anything at all to do with me -- this is due apparently to her blaming me for a tragic event a couple years ago, not because of anything dance-related) I have finally learned that the only way that I will ever have a chance to dance will be other women besides her.
Though I truly miss the chance of having that special dance and regret that I will never experience that. Maybe my reasoning is in error there too, but I'm not ready to consider that contingency.
Trying to unmuddle myself here:
Realize that you will need to seek other dance partners. But at the same time, keep having that one special dance partner, even if it's sometimes her "freestyling" type of dance (with enough practice, you might even get good at it).
I was thinking along the same lines, DWise1. It's possible that dancing may not continue to be a shared hobby, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe dancing is something one (life) partner wants to do, but not the other. There's nothing that prevents a couple from having apart activities as well as together activities. Dancing could just become one of your apart activities. That could work.
Your SO should never try to influence you on what makes you happy. I dated a man for many years who was one of those "it's me or the horses" types.
Well, I hexed him and dumped him, and would you know I still have the companionship, love, and trust of my horses? He's been through a lot of different hoodrats- oops, I meant women- and finally got stuck with one he's miserable with.
Be your own person. If your hobbies or passions are dear to you, never sacrifice them for a measly, expendable human
Well, I hexed him and dumped him, and would you know I still have the companionship, love, and trust of my horses? He's been through a lot of different hoodrats- oops, I meant women- and finally got stuck with one he's miserable with.
Be your own person. If your hobbies or passions are dear to you, never sacrifice them for a measly, expendable human
You won't want to hear my answer. I am very happy in my 2nd marriage in part because we dance and we ride a tandem bike (our together activities) as well as each having our separate activities (she gardens like a mad woman while I am a musician and avid jazz collector).Two Left Feet said:
My first marriage, however, fell apart largely because we (nearly) only had separate activities.
I said you wouldn't want to hear it. :?
Vin said many great things.
"...the one that is becoming more enthused is the guy and this is not as accepted socially." Tell me about it! ...sigh...
Anyway, on topic: I have dated several girls who were at first very enthusiastic to swing dance with me (go to dances), but they slowly dropped off that enthusiasm... for me it's a lifestyle and for them it was something new to do with a new boyfriend a few times. And which of those girls are still around? None? Uh-HUH.
I agree that sometimes people have to have their own separate hobbies, although it might be jealously-inducing to be a social dancer. You gotta do what you want to do if you really want to.
"...the one that is becoming more enthused is the guy and this is not as accepted socially." Tell me about it! ...sigh...
Anyway, on topic: I have dated several girls who were at first very enthusiastic to swing dance with me (go to dances), but they slowly dropped off that enthusiasm... for me it's a lifestyle and for them it was something new to do with a new boyfriend a few times. And which of those girls are still around? None? Uh-HUH.
I agree that sometimes people have to have their own separate hobbies, although it might be jealously-inducing to be a social dancer. You gotta do what you want to do if you really want to.
Sagitta
Well-Known Member
ponidancer said:Your SO should never try to influence you on what makes you happy. I dated a man for many years who was one of those "it's me or the horses" types.
Be your own person. If your hobbies or passions are dear to you, never sacrifice them for a measly, expendable human
All relationships - the ones that last - require work. To say not to let your SO influence you at all is not right. An either "this" or "that" person of course is not one who really wants a relationship IMO. Be your own person within the context of a relationship. Never sacrifice your individuality so what you solely are what he/she wants you to be. I will never advocate that. However, my more sucessful relationships have been ones where both partners have worked on having a successful relationship. (Caveat : Of course, all I say is based on personal experience and sharing experiences with others.)
foursquare
New Member
Doug said:
I agree. If circumstances ever became that I had to choose between a hobby and my girlfriend, there is no question that my girlfriend would win.
I have noted that many of the posts that I read from people that demand understanding and encouragement from their mate in regard to the time spent and effort put in to dancing are the least flexible when it comes to possible changes in that routine.
Why are people so willing to take the time and effort to become proficient in skills to enjoy a brief relationship (read: dance) with an acquaintance or total stranger but are not half as willing to put half that effort into the relationship they have with their SO?
foursquare
(Oh and the chick that missed the house-warming party of a friend to go out dancing on a Saturday night because she always goes out dancing on Saturday? Shame on you.)
I agree with much of what you say, foursquare. Any relationship where one partner demands flexibility and understanding that they're not willing to reciprocate is doomed to struggles, if not failure. Successful relationships are all about give and take. (Hold me back! I could pontificate on that point a long time, but probably shouldn't. 
:lol: )
That said, I think DF attracts at least two types of people. The people who dance to have a fun, social or romantic activity with friends or SO's, and the people for whom dance is a lifestyle or an integral part of their lives. I think that the two different types of people take (and require) two different approaches to this type of question.
For a recreational dancer to choose dance over a spouse or long-term companion would be foolish, I think. It's just not that important to them.
Conversely, for a dance addict or dance professional to quit dance for an SO might just backfire, if feelings of resentment, deprivation, and "could-have-beens" take over their thought process.
To me, those are two completely different scenarios with at least two different optimum solutions. (Most likely, there are many more workable compromise solutions somewhere in the middle. There's more than one way of skinning a cat, as the old saying goes. 8) )
:lol: )That said, I think DF attracts at least two types of people. The people who dance to have a fun, social or romantic activity with friends or SO's, and the people for whom dance is a lifestyle or an integral part of their lives. I think that the two different types of people take (and require) two different approaches to this type of question.
For a recreational dancer to choose dance over a spouse or long-term companion would be foolish, I think. It's just not that important to them.
Conversely, for a dance addict or dance professional to quit dance for an SO might just backfire, if feelings of resentment, deprivation, and "could-have-beens" take over their thought process.
To me, those are two completely different scenarios with at least two different optimum solutions. (Most likely, there are many more workable compromise solutions somewhere in the middle. There's more than one way of skinning a cat, as the old saying goes. 8) )
twnkltoz
Forum Master
My husband dances, but only does WCS while I do ballroom as well. He doesn't enjoy it as much as I do for various reasons, plus I teach which takes me away a lot. So, I go dancing and he goes cigar smoking. We get plenty of together-time but pursue our own interests as well.