Need help with my guilt over expense

[Statlady]

Some of you *may* remember my very first post which was about cheaper alternatives to private lessons. In the end I decided to continue my private lessons, just with less frequency for awhile.

Anyway, I am a stay-at-home mom of 1-year-old twins. My husband works at the local children's hospital where he makes more money than he used to as a resident, but still less than half of what a "regular" doctor would make. So, money's not as tight now as it was a year ago, but we're not exactly rolling in it either.

My problem is that I feel so much guilt for spending about $350/month on dance lessons--and I'm sure there are plenty of people who spend *way* more than $350/month. In fact, I know there are some women at my studio who spend close to 10 times that amount. I'm currently looking into a couple of ways to make some extra money either part-time or from home, but I think I would still feel guilty spending that much money for something that isn't a necessity of life no matter how much money I made. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but in a way it seems almost morally wrong to me.

So, to those of you who are as passionate about ballroom dancing as I am (which I imagine is most of you), how do you spend that much money and feel good about it? Are you all so wealthy that $350 to you is like $3 to the lower-/middle-class? My guess is no. I guess I just need some help justifying it to myself. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The guilt I feel detracts from my enjoyment of the dancing quite a bit.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Laura]

I don't feel guilty. It has never even occurred to me to feel guilty. I suppose that makes me morally reprehensible to someone who does feel guilty about spending money on things they deem frivolous, but so be it. I'm not hurting anyone or myself by spending money on dancing, and in fact I'm helping to provide an income for a couple of talented dancers by doing so.

But if it's a problem for you, then don't do it. Find a way to spend your money that will make you feel good.

And if you feel guilty about spending money on things that aren't life necessities...well, do you have a car? Do you have air conditioning? Do you have a TV? Do you ever go on vacation? Do you have more than two sets of clothes? More than one pair of shoes? How about the computer you are using to get on the Internet? Do any of these things make you feel guilty?

 

[GJB]

Air conditioning IS a necessity : )

You are not alone. I sometimes feel guilty.

 

[Laura]

There are millions of people in the world, many in tropical or desert areas, without it. I know you were joking (I saw the smiley face), but still....

Heating, however, is a necessity. I'll give you that one.

 

[_malakawa_]

I don't feel guilty. It has never even occurred to me to feel guilty. I suppose that makes me morally reprehensible to someone who does feel guilty about spending money on things they deem frivolous, but so be it. I'm not hurting anyone or myself by spending money on dancing, and in fact I'm helping to provide an income for a couple of talented dancers by doing so.

But if it's a problem for you, then don't do it. Find a way to spend your money that will make you feel good.

And if you feel guilty about spending money on things that aren't life necessities...well, do you have a car? Do you have air conditioning? Do you have a TV? Do you ever go on vacation? Do you have more than two sets of clothes? More than one pair of shoes? How about the computer you are using to get on the Internet? Do any of these things make you feel guilty?

good point, Laura.

dancing makes me happy and i'll spend as much as i can.

sometimes i feel guilty when i buy new pair of shoes, and i definitely don't need them. but that guilt is just for few minutes.

i read your post 3 times, and i don't get it. you feel guilt because you spending $350 on dancing or because you think that you are spending that money for nothing (i mean - how much you learn on those private lessons)???

or because you don't spend that money on your family ....... ????

 

[Laura]

or because you don't spend that money on your family ....... ????

That's what I was kind of thinking -- that the guilt isn't really about spending money on something that isn't a life necessity, but it's about spending it on herself. Statlady is a mother of two and married to a doctor, her life must be stressful and she must be giving a lot of herself to support her family and her husband's career. Seems to me that doing something like dancing is a good way for her to take time for herself and give her some time of her own and some well-earned pleasure.

 

[Warren J. Dew]

Are you all so wealthy that $350 to you is like $3 to the lower-/middle-class? My guess is no.

While I doubt most of the forum folks are rolling in money, I suspect many are free to spend it more easily. Back when you both had incomes and no kids yet, you didn't feel so guilty spending the money, did you? For people who are single, or if everyone in the household is an adult with their own income, it's a bit different than it is with kids.

One thing to keep in mind is that, while you don't have a salary, you are still doing a very valuable job. Taking care of children is important, very time consuming, and often stressful. You need a break and some time off every now and then. While you shouldn't be dumping the kids on your husband every night as soon as he comes home to go out dancing all evening, having him take care of them for a few hours a week while you take a lesson or two doesn't seem like a luxury to me. A little bit of a break will help you rechage and do a better job with the kids the rest of the week.

Of course, a lot depends on your particular situation. If you really can't afford the money, it's a different situation than if you just feel guilty over it. If you can afford it and if your husband is also comfortable with spending it, I'd say do so without guilt.

 

[Statlady]

I don't feel guilty. It has never even occurred to me to feel guilty. I suppose that makes me morally reprehensible to someone who does feel guilty about spending money on things they deem frivolous, but so be it.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that people who *don't* feel guilty are in the wrong! I don't think excessive guilt is healthy at all--which is why I need help.

I'm not sure exactly why I feel guilty about spending the money. Maybe it's because at the moment our checking account is rapidly approaching zero.... But, like I said, I think I'd feel guilty even if we did have a lot of money. I think it is partly because I'm spending it on myself instead of on something like groceries, or the payment for a new(er) car (ours are on their last legs). Perhaps "not a necessity of life" was a poor choice of words.

I was raised in a relatively affluent family . . . who shopped mainly at places like Wal-Mart. So, to me, $350 is simply "a lot of money," period. That probably doesn't make sense . . . I'm having trouble putting this into words.

I really hope I didn't touch a sensitive nerve, here. I really don't want to offend anybody.

 

[Glasswren]

While my situation is completely different being a single parent with very restricted income, I do understand feeling guilty over spending money on something not 'vitally important' when it comes to me.

Don't! Others have touched it, but it bears repeating: Everyone needs a break from the daily routines. It is good for the mind and the soul and in your case the body too. A happy mom is a better mom.

 

[Statlady]

Taking care of children is important, very time consuming, and often stressful. You need a break and some time off every now and then. While you shouldn't be dumping the kids on your husband every night as soon as he comes home to go out dancing all evening, having him take care of them for a few hours a week while you take a lesson or two doesn't seem like a luxury to me. A little bit of a break will help you rechage and do a better job with the kids the rest of the week.

Yes, I agree. It just seems like I "ought" to get my break doing something less expensive. So, why don't you, you say? Because I LOVE dancing more than just about anything else that's not a person.

Maybe I should bring this up with my therapist . . .

 

[Laura]

Maybe I should bring this up with my therapist . . .

You should. And I have an idea about what s/he will say

(I once told mine that dancing is what held my heart and soul together. And that it's the one thing I do that makes me feel beautiful.)

 

[Statlady]

(I once told mine that dancing is what held my heart and soul together. And that it's the one thing I do that makes me feel beautiful.)

Oooh, I like that!

See, the weird thing is....people outside my family usually say stuff like you all have said. "You deserve a break," "If you love it then it's not too expensive," etc. But whenever I discuss it with my husband or parents, they're supportive but I can tell they think it's somewhat frivolous. Hmmmm, maybe that should tell me something!

 

[Peaches]

Some of you *may* remember my very first post which was about cheaper alternatives to private lessons. In the end I decided to continue my private lessons, just with less frequency for awhile.

Anyway, I am a stay-at-home mom of 1-year-old twins. My husband works at the local children's hospital where he makes more money than he used to as a resident, but still less than half of what a "regular" doctor would make. So, money's not as tight now as it was a year ago, but we're not exactly rolling in it either.

My problem is that I feel so much guilt for spending about $350/month on dance lessons--and I'm sure there are plenty of people who spend *way* more than $350/month. In fact, I know there are some women at my studio who spend close to 10 times that amount. I'm currently looking into a couple of ways to make some extra money either part-time or from home, but I think I would still feel guilty spending that much money for something that isn't a necessity of life no matter how much money I made. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but in a way it seems almost morally wrong to me.

So, to those of you who are as passionate about ballroom dancing as I am (which I imagine is most of you), how do you spend that much money and feel good about it? Are you all so wealthy that $350 to you is like $3 to the lower-/middle-class? My guess is no. I guess I just need some help justifying it to myself. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The guilt I feel detracts from my enjoyment of the dancing quite a bit.

Thanks in advance!

I have felt this exact same guilt many times.

Even though it's just DH and I, and we make good money, we're not rolling in it by any means. I spend about as much as you do each month for lessons, plus maybe another $50 for dances. Last year, DH was making better money, and he paid for the lessons so it didn't hit our personal budget at all...and I didn't feel bad about it. This year...not so much. It's not that we're hurting, but it's more of a sacrifice now.

It's not, for me, the guilt over something frivolous. We've both got cars, we've got a computer, we've got plenty of other stuff (although we don't use AC, we don't have cable--so no TV, our computer is 7 years old, we don't have a digital camera, we both tend to wear clothes and shoes until they wear out, we don't take vacations). It's the guilt over spending that money when it can be put towards something that benefits BOTH DH and I--paying down debt, getting something nice for the house, taking a vacation. It just feels so incredibly selfish, even moreso since DH doesn't have anything comparable that he enjoys.

He and I have had a lot of conversations about this. With things being tighter this year, I was going to stop lessons altogether. What surprised me is that DH refused to let me do that, even threatening to do something he's never done before--go behind my back with finances to make sure that lessons get paid for. He's said many times that even he notices the difference in my happiness and stress levels when I'm dancing regularly. He won't let me stop if we can afford it. I still feel pangs of guilt now and again, but I know that it's something we've talked about, that the money is spent with his "blessing."

So, I suggest talking about it with your DH. See how he feels about you spending the money. I'll disagree a bit with others in that I don't think it's right to "just" take the attitude of "it's something that makes me happy so I'll spend it." You have a family to think about, and (I'm assuming, and I know it's a big assumption) your finances are not entirely your own...so, IMHO, it's a decision that needs to be made with both of you. You never know, your DH might feel like mine does, that the money is worth it to have a happy wife for him and mother for his children.

 

[Laura]

I guess I should make a disclosure here: perhaps my situation, which is no husband and no kids, is what puts me in the position to have no guilt.

 

[Statlady]

It's the guilt over spending that money when it can be put towards something that benefits BOTH DH and I--paying down debt, getting something nice for the house, taking a vacation. It just feels so incredibly selfish, even moreso since DH doesn't have anything comparable that he enjoys.

Thank you for the thoughtful and understanding reply. That's exactly what I'm talking about. In my case, though, DH does have comparable hobby. He's into digital photography and photo editing and owns an extremely expensive camera and more than one pricey lens. That said, I still pay more in a year for my hobby than he does for his. Plus, he takes lots of photos of the twins, so I do get some benefit. In a way it's easier to justify the purchase of something tangible like a camera--for me anyway. I should remind myself of his photo hobby, though, when I feel guilty--I think that will help.

So, I suggest talking about it with your DH. See how he feels about you spending the money. I'll disagree a bit with others in that I don't think it's right to "just" take the attitude of "it's something that makes me happy so I'll spend it." You have a family to think about, and (I'm assuming, and I know it's a big assumption) your finances are not entirely your own...so, IMHO, it's a decision that needs to be made with both of you. You never know, your DH might feel like mine does, that the money is worth it to have a happy wife for him and mother for his children.

We have talked about it a lot, actually. What he says is usually "Well, sure, I wish it weren't so expensive....do I wish you had a cheaper hobby? Yeah. I want you to be happy, though, so it's OK to take the lessons...."

So, like I said, he's supportive....yet doesn't do a whole lot to assuage my guilt.