Not sure what to do next

[Bailango]

The one time I was invited to such a thing, I was told that it was role-balanced and that as they had a long waiting list of followers, I couldn't come with my +1.

That’s very weird. You are invited but can’t bring your +1 which would keep the balance.

Now that I recall, don’t the organizers have a quota for couple,ms, single leaders, and single followers. May be their quota for the couples was full and they only wanted to invite you as single leader.

It was the "my +1 but not your +1 aspect" that seemed off, given that a few of the +1s were basically beginners while my partner was (and is) an experienced tanguera.

Was that invitation directly from the organizer. Strange to hear beginners being signed on as +1 for encuentros. I thought that is no place for beginners and organizers only want experienced and good dancers as their number 1 invitation criteria. Wouldn’t the people who sign up their beginner +1 be frowned upon.

Have others been to encuentros with presence of beginners?

 

[Miradamiranda]

Have others been to encuentros with presence of beginners?

I have only been to one, but there were plenty of not very experienced dancers, plenty of collisions on the floor, which came as a surprise to me, but also, plenty wonderful dancers, especially leaders, per my own observation.
I thought it was only followers who had trouble registering, btw. Aren’t there plenty of encuentros that have websites and are not under the radar?

 

[Tango Distance]

I have never been to an encuentro, but know organizers and attendees. It seems to be a wealthier crowd who travel a lot. JiT, maybe they know you are poor and don't travel?

He is referring to local Encuentros.

I didn't clarify that part. I've been told it's common for encuentro attendees to travel to other encuentros, and speculate that the wherewithal to travel is a positive for the resume for someone who wants to attend. Here are a few data points:

• I've been told encuentro goers, now that they are in the club, tend to travel to other encuentros.
• All the encuentro goers I know are well off and do multiple trips a year.
• Where I used to live, an encuentro was started. Few locals were invited, about 95% of them were from out of state.
• I was talking to an encuentro organizer. She told me her encuentro was full and I wouldn't be able to attend, but there was one 1000 km away that I could attend (hmmm, ecuentro with 60 people, or choice of 5 festivals with each with 200 people?) . The mindset was "Of course you want to go to an encuentro and will travel for that." BTW, I had expressed no interest in attending her encuentro, but unbeknownst to her had been invited twice to attend by her fellow organizer -- I'm sure it was primarily to get my dear wife there, and secondarily that there is a shortage of men, even for encuentros. I had turned down the invites.
• Several followers at a milonga I was visiting expressed sadness they were previously, but no longer invited to an encuentro 1000 km away, when they found out I was from that state.

I don't remember if I posted about this before. I did go to a "locals" milonga the night before an encuentro. Many encuentro goers were there. The followers were skilled and nice, and several said they looked forward to more dancing with me. The event seemed to be good about everyone asking everyone. I thought of this analogy:

• Many people get into a state school (some states even accept 100% of resident applications). Those schools have high dropout and flunked out rates. That's kind of like many milongas, everyone is welcome but you might struggle to get dances.
• Ivy League schools, Stanford, MIT, etc. are very hard to get accepted. Once in, the graduation rate is high. That was my impression of the encuentro crowd. Hard to get in, but you'll dance a lot.

Caveat: I'm looking in from the outside! Encuentro goers feel free to correct me!

 

[JournalInTime]

• All the encuentro goers I know are well off and do multiple trips a year.

This fits my experience. I know "veteran dancers" here who claim they've never heard of this side of tango after 20, 30, or however many years they've been dancing . . . mostly because they aren't in the group that has money and travels to dance. Whereas I have a rich (but not local!) friend who has been dancing for less than 10 years and who only dances abroad; she has 8 encuentros lined up before winter. It may be a fluke that I even know about these things despite not attending them, possibly due to knowing a lot of people as a former milonga and festival barman, and part-time studio employee. Maybe most dancers at or around my socioeconomic stratum have no idea encuentros exist.

• I had expressed no interest in attending her encuentro [...] I had turned down the invites.

To be fair, that's sort of my situation as well. I feel snubbed by the lack of an invitation, but the one time I was invited, I turned it down because the invitation was clearly for me and not for my couple. So, that's all on me.

(And two other times, tangueras with invitations conditional on having partners wanted me to go with them as a +1. "Fly elsewhere and share a hotel room with another woman" is obviously not the sort of thing that my life partner would accept, so I turned those offers down, too . . . though they weren't invitations sent to me. But maybe there's a whole "international tango swingers" scene I'm naïve about.)

 

[JournalInTime]

May be their quota for the couples was full and they only wanted to invite you as single leader.

Precisely so. I just find it socially insensitive to invite half a couple. In no other walk of life does one invite half a couple to what's almost innately a couples activity.

Strange to hear beginners being signed on as +1 for encuentros.

Lots of vouching goes on. "You know I'm a great dancer. So, is there any doubt that my partner wouldn't be?" It goes a long way in general, not just at encuentros.

 

[Rabbit]

There seems a great deal of overlap between the two. The milongas I would personally describe as informal were mostly frequented by those in their 20s and 30s.

The outdoor milongas for example were informal and attended by a very mixed demographic

 

[TTanguero]

The outdoor milongas for example were informal and attended by a very mixed demographic

I remember with a laugh the patio one. I did the class, and got chatting with my follower who was learning to lead. I mentioned I was just starting to learn to follow, and that was it! "Great, we can swap roles." There was no more partner-swapping after that, I was her personal property.

 

[Rabbit]

the biggest competition to milongas in nyc is nyc itself, so much stuff to do in the city that people often have to choose between tango vs a show/concert/dinner with friends etc.

London is the same. But then, aren't people with activities outside work and tango more interesting?

 

[Miradamiranda]

seemed to be good about everyone asking everyone

I was impressed about this aspect, I have to say. That’s the appeal, apparently for many of the women, especially. Those who, if they went to a marathon, would have a hard time getting dances.

I did speak to a number of people who asked me which my next encuentro would be. I had the impression these people were used to meeting many of the same others in different encuentros, so yes, I gather they have the time and money. I can’t blame them for such a life style, I admit. One big family. Hey, I meet up with some repeat faces here and there in festivals and marathons also - and yes, it ads up for sure, money wise - but the places I go to don’t feel like exclusive clubs, and they are much easier to get into. There’s plenty of traditional dancing and good floor skills in those places also.

 

[TTanguero]

"Fly elsewhere and share a hotel room with another woman" is obviously not the sort of thing that my life partner would accept, so I turned those offers down, too . . . though they weren't invitations sent to me. But maybe there's a whole "international tango swingers" scene I'm naïve about.)

To be fair, I've shared hotel rooms with female friends several times (and a bed one time) with no swinging involved.

 

[JournalInTime]

To be fair, I've shared hotel rooms with female friends several times (and a bed one time) with no swinging involved.

Sure, I've done so with friends as well . . . just never with people who know me because we've danced a few tandas. One was somebody I know by first name only, whom I see at milongas perhaps 5-6 times/year, suddenly being very flattering of me and asking about my interest. The other was somebody I know only slightly better and whose "more than friends" interest I've been deflecting for a few years. I don't think I could fairly say to my life partner, "So-and-so, the one you think is always flirting with me, wants to know if I'll spend a week at a hotel with her, just for dancing."

 

[Bailango]

(And two other times, tangueras with invitations conditional on having partners wanted me to go with them as a +1. "Fly elsewhere and share a hotel room with another woman" is obviously not the sort of thing that my life partner would accept, so I turned those offers down, too . . . though they weren't invitations sent to me. But maybe there's a whole "international tango swingers" scene I'm naïve about.)

When I traveled for the festivals, I mostly booked a room or Airbnb for myself. I used to travel on short notice. Sometimes (about 10% to 15% of time), it was not possible get a hotel room or Airbnb close to the venue.

But I have shared room with ladies who were either married or had BF. It is pure logistics. Their partners didn’t dance. I think it is purely on the couple of how comfortable they are letting their partner share an accommodation/lodging with someone else. Among those that travel for festivals I think it is fairly common.

 

[opendoor]

.."Fly elsewhere and share a hotel room with another woman" is obviously not the sort of thing that my life partner would accept... But maybe there's a whole "international tango swingers" scene..

It's not as interesting as you may think. Usually, several people rent an apartment. But that means no privacy, and everything is public and civilized. Group sex never happened in such constellations. Since I learned tango as a single, I had the advantage of always being able to choose my festival companions. And I always booked a hotel room so we could be unobserved.

 

[opendoor]

..My local experience is that encuentros are entirely about who you know, and not at all about your adherence to códigos or style of tango.

Exactly! There are two types of Encuentros. The original type emerged before the pandemic and brought together like-minded people of a particular dance style. The other developed during the pandemic as a private underground scene.

 

[Tangogal]

Closest to informal milongas I know are practicalongas.

Yet to go to any event advertised as milonga, where it is socially acceptable to ask verbally. Which includes afternoon and day time milongas where people dress up less and are more casual.

My yardstick for socially acceptable to ask verbally is where more than half the followers will be okay a stranger ask them verbally. Or sign at the entrance which says it is okay to ask verbally

Or anywhere it would feel silly to cabeceo! Like a small private gathering or somewhere you already know most of the participants.