There are currently three male instructors, two of them relatively new, at the studio I dance at and I have different hugging relationships with each of them. The contrast is amusing, and I reassured one of new ones the other day that it was absolutely fine that he was not comfortable with the teddy bear style hugs that the other one gives me. The third one, my primary instructor, almost never hugs me. I noticed that he didn't really like it, and commented on it, so he feels free to remind me of his preferences if I lose my mind and reach in to give him a hug or, god forbid, a kiss. In other words, I am happy you took the woman's hugs so well, but I really don't know what's wrong with people who cannot accept other people's comfort zones!!!!!!!!!
Not touchy feely
- Thread starter Tango Distance
- Start date
ocean-daughter
Active Member
I am loving this thread. It is fabulous getting to follow your dance journey and see all the new insights.
I'd kinda like to know where all these tango classes are taking place, because I think they're in my geographical area, and I might like to go! Both my teachers are now independent, and in any case, at my most recent home studio the tango classes were few and far between. I'm on the lookout for good group classes.
At my first (ballroom) studio we did have a weekly Argentine tango class, and I loved it.
I'd kinda like to know where all these tango classes are taking place, because I think they're in my geographical area, and I might like to go! Both my teachers are now independent, and in any case, at my most recent home studio the tango classes were few and far between. I'm on the lookout for good group classes.
At my first (ballroom) studio we did have a weekly Argentine tango class, and I loved it.
Tango Distance
Well-Known Member
ocean-daughter: I'm glad you like the thread. PM sent.
RiseNFall said:
I keep reminding myself that generally huggers are doing it with the best of intentions, and feel like they are giving the best gift possible. Also, if a hug is inevitable I really do try to not radiate negative vibes that would make the other person feel bad. The tougher cases are the small number of people that want to "fix" me. Even then I think they have good intent, and I think they honestly believe if they would just squeeze me hard enough for long enough I would be "cured." That hasn't worked to date. Tango has lowered my hug aversion a bit.twnkltoz said:
ocean-daughter
Active Member
I think exchanging ganchos instead of hugs with family, as mentioned earlier, could be an occasion for great hilarity.
But yes, I agree that any social embrace should have mutual consent as to how tight to hold on, for how long, or if at all.
But yes, I agree that any social embrace should have mutual consent as to how tight to hold on, for how long, or if at all.
Lilly_of_the_valley
Well-Known Member
Moreover, there are people I don't want to hug off the floor...
ocean-daughter
Active Member
I was thinking about the whole issue of introversion and dancing. I'm very much an introvert, and I also love to dance. I could dance late into the night. (I became acquainted with Argentine tango in a ballroom studio.)
One conclusion I have is that partner dance is a meaningful interaction with one person, which as an introvert I prefer to small talk with a group. Also it isn't verbal. Not that I dislike conversation, but dancing doesn't have to involve talking.
Maybe a dance party has something for all types--a roomful of people for extroverts to enjoy, conversation if they want it, and meaningful one-on-one contacts for the introverts!
Also I think Argentine tango is one of the more introverted dances. When I dance it with a good lead it feels like thinking together. (Now I want to go dance it. ..)
One conclusion I have is that partner dance is a meaningful interaction with one person, which as an introvert I prefer to small talk with a group. Also it isn't verbal. Not that I dislike conversation, but dancing doesn't have to involve talking.
Maybe a dance party has something for all types--a roomful of people for extroverts to enjoy, conversation if they want it, and meaningful one-on-one contacts for the introverts!
Also I think Argentine tango is one of the more introverted dances. When I dance it with a good lead it feels like thinking together. (Now I want to go dance it. ..)
Tango Distance
Well-Known Member
Ganchos with my mother-in-law backfired... Now she wants both ganchos and hugs! At one event to each lady that wanted a greeting hug I said "Gancho?" and held my arms out in dance position. They all seemed to think it was a neat way to do a greeting, and I got out of several hugs! Win-win!
Tango itself has been fun, and DW's enjoyment has made it very worthwhile. It was eye opening for me when I switched partners and the lady followed as if reading my mind. Now DW and I can do it, great stuff!
Now that I have read up on the topic, I'm seeing introverts in Tango. I'm not alone. I used to think dancers were extroverts by definition. It was also really valuable for me to understand the difference between shyness and introversion/extroversion.
I never would have guessed a simple dance class would lead me down this road! I also never expected to write so much.
Tango itself has been fun, and DW's enjoyment has made it very worthwhile. It was eye opening for me when I switched partners and the lady followed as if reading my mind. Now DW and I can do it, great stuff!
Now that I have read up on the topic, I'm seeing introverts in Tango. I'm not alone. I used to think dancers were extroverts by definition. It was also really valuable for me to understand the difference between shyness and introversion/extroversion.
I never would have guessed a simple dance class would lead me down this road! I also never expected to write so much.
ocean-daughter said:
pascal
Active Member
Maybe the baise-main can come in handy. Probably the desperate-for-a-hug lady has both her arms extended forward. You grab only one hand, you bow, and you make it look like you kiss her hand.
It's classy, vintage and all. After that, the lady cannot now ask for more.
ocean-daughter
Active Member
Ya know, I'm gonna try using ganchos as a greeting...
Juniper Ivy
Member
I have enjoyed reading this thread and learning about TD's foray into tango. It is interesting to me since I am usually pretty comfortable with touch, including close embrace. And the not touchy feely perspective is new and different to me. Something I struggle to comprehend. I consider myself balanced between extrovert and introvert. But one thing that does make me squirm is eye contact. And I feel comfortable in close embrace partially because there is no eye contact and no need for smiling to communicate pleasure or other such social niceties that some people expect. I would rather concentrate on the dance than bother with all that.
I found it interesting how you came to tango in order to make DW happy and despite your uncomfortableness with switching partners, you have obviously found significant personal meaning in tango, as evidence by your voluminous writing on the topic and you chosing to attend classes without DW. Maybe there exists a desire deep inside you to overcome your aversion to physical contact?
My partner is also not a touchy feely person and reading your account helps me to understand him a little. He prefers open embrace too. I like dancing more than he does and it is not unusual for me to go dancing without him or to arrive before he does. Sometimes he chooses to only dance with me and it does make me worry that he is not having a good time when I see him sitting out. He says there are not many women he enjoys dancing with and he prefers to save his energy.
I also relate to your experiences with anxiety during dancing. I have frequently felt that way and anxiety makes it impossible to dance my best. But getting anxious about anxiety only compounds the problem so it is something I try to just accept gracefully when it happens.
Hope your tango dancing is continuing to go well.
I found it interesting how you came to tango in order to make DW happy and despite your uncomfortableness with switching partners, you have obviously found significant personal meaning in tango, as evidence by your voluminous writing on the topic and you chosing to attend classes without DW. Maybe there exists a desire deep inside you to overcome your aversion to physical contact?
My partner is also not a touchy feely person and reading your account helps me to understand him a little. He prefers open embrace too. I like dancing more than he does and it is not unusual for me to go dancing without him or to arrive before he does. Sometimes he chooses to only dance with me and it does make me worry that he is not having a good time when I see him sitting out. He says there are not many women he enjoys dancing with and he prefers to save his energy.
I also relate to your experiences with anxiety during dancing. I have frequently felt that way and anxiety makes it impossible to dance my best. But getting anxious about anxiety only compounds the problem so it is something I try to just accept gracefully when it happens.
Hope your tango dancing is continuing to go well.
Tango Distance
Well-Known Member
JI thanks for your post and apologies for being so slow to respond, things have been hopping for TD.
classes: I did get to take the beginner's class a 2nd time for free, DW didn't want to. Since it was free it was no risk to try it, and it turns out I really enjoyed doing it even though DW wasn't there. So I don't know that a class without DW started out as anything deep, but I think it turned out to be a great thing for me. I'm planning to retake a 2nd level Tango course.
I think it was like black licorice. I don't like it, and don't feel a particular lack in life doing without it. I didn't and don't feel any particular pang of loss missing out on all those hugs.
What is different now is I think I am seeing the bigger picture better. Before my brain devoted 100% of its processing cycles on avoiding hugs or minimizing the hugs, kind of a fight-or-flight thing that left no room for thinking of others. Open embrace is not exactly hugging, but I have been impressed at the number (generally 100%) of ladies that look really happy when dancing. It has been a personal growth thing to know I can spread a little joy around. So that is one advantage to open embrace, you can see how happy that person is. Hugs and close embrace just weren't as obvious to me that they made others happy, I guess, as you don't see the person's face. Maybe I'm a visual learner to a fault. I am trying hard to make hugs a good (but brief!) experience for the other party -- after all, really what is it costing me?
I have more responses to your post coming and some adventures to write up. DW gave me doe eyes and batted her lashes to encourage me to give a beginner's close embrace class a try. She pointed out it is not an advanced class like before. I'm stressed just thinking about it!
voluminous: I have never posted like this on more personal (dare I say, "touchy feely") topics before this. It was not really a plan, but I received so much positive feedback for the writing and it has been good therapy for me to write about all this stuff. It really has forced me to look at myself in a new light, has enabled self discoveries, and raised my awareness of how to be nicer to others.Juniper Ivy said:
classes: I did get to take the beginner's class a 2nd time for free, DW didn't want to. Since it was free it was no risk to try it, and it turns out I really enjoyed doing it even though DW wasn't there. So I don't know that a class without DW started out as anything deep, but I think it turned out to be a great thing for me. I'm planning to retake a 2nd level Tango course.
I think it is a "yes and no" answer.Juniper Ivy said:
I think it was like black licorice. I don't like it, and don't feel a particular lack in life doing without it. I didn't and don't feel any particular pang of loss missing out on all those hugs.
What is different now is I think I am seeing the bigger picture better. Before my brain devoted 100% of its processing cycles on avoiding hugs or minimizing the hugs, kind of a fight-or-flight thing that left no room for thinking of others. Open embrace is not exactly hugging, but I have been impressed at the number (generally 100%) of ladies that look really happy when dancing. It has been a personal growth thing to know I can spread a little joy around. So that is one advantage to open embrace, you can see how happy that person is. Hugs and close embrace just weren't as obvious to me that they made others happy, I guess, as you don't see the person's face. Maybe I'm a visual learner to a fault. I am trying hard to make hugs a good (but brief!) experience for the other party -- after all, really what is it costing me?
I have more responses to your post coming and some adventures to write up. DW gave me doe eyes and batted her lashes to encourage me to give a beginner's close embrace class a try. She pointed out it is not an advanced class like before. I'm stressed just thinking about it!