Reason for not Dancing at a Milonga

L

LoveTango

Member
I went to a relatively quiet milonga. There were about 40 people, again more women than man. There was this one gentleman I often saw at milongas. He just sat there for about an hour, didn't dance with any one, and then left. I don't ever expect that he would dance with me and he never did. I never cared. However this time I felt somewhat offended. I guess that was because I am among the women that he could not find a single one worth to try out. How bad did we have to look? Or was it because of the music?
As a leader, do you ever felt so uninspiring that you could not bring yourself to the dance floor?
As a follower, would you feel even slightly offended if you noticed such thing?
 
As a leader yes.

It's a better not to dance than to give a bad dance.
When not in mood I only dance with a few of partners that I know well,
that we have good general relationship and that I can easily talk to.
Sometimes I am more into mingling than dancing.
 
LoveTango said:
I went to a relatively quiet milonga. There were about 40 people, again more women than man. There was this one gentleman I often saw at milongas. He just sat there for about an hour, didn't dance with any one, and then left. I don't ever expect that he would dance with me and he never did. I never cared. However this time I felt somewhat offended. I guess that was because I am among the women that he could not find a single one worth to try out. How bad did we have to look? Or was it because of the music?
As a leader, do you ever felt so uninspiring that you could not bring yourself to the dance floor?
As a follower, would you feel even slightly offended if you noticed such thing?
Click to expand...

No, why would I be?
He may be not even a tango dancer, or someone who just started and not prepared enough to dance in a milonga.
He may be too tired, sick or injured. He may not like the music or the floor situation. Even if he did not like anyone's dancing, including mine, why should I feel offended. In any case, if he did not feel like dancing, he did everyone a favor by not asking them.

Now, there were men who did not dance in a milonga, except with me. I admit that felt somewhat flattering. :)
 
If I'm there to dance, then I want to dance well. If none of them can dance well, then I probably won't ask any of them to dance. It's also possible that the dancing disgusts me (unmusical, doing moves, etc.) that I don't want to dance with them because they might do the same things if we start dancing.

However, if I'm there to have fun, then I'll ask anyone who seems like they want to dance. In these situations, I lower my expectations so that I won't be disappointed if it's really bad, because really bad is still better than awful. In these situations, I use it as a learning experience. However, my dancing is, imo, poor and even sloppy since I just don't care.
 
[A leader writes] I went to a milonga on Wednesday, paid, stayed 90 minutes or more, and didn't dance even once, despite the fact that there were a few followers I often danced with and another I'd never seen before who danced extremely nicely In other circumstances, I'd be very keen to dance with her. But the music was mostly blah, and I only want to dance well. More than that, I need to ease myself into the right music. I'll dance 30's Canaro with beginners, but rarely with anyone interesting. I'll only dance D'Agostino/Vargas if you've shown that you can fill the spaces. I'll only dance Tanturi if you feel the beat. I won't dance milonga with you unless we already dance well. Pugliese, I adore, but I need to know that you can move...

On the other hand, most D'Angelis is fun with anyone. Valses tend to be enjoyable with a wide range of people. Some Rodriguez I like so much that I don't care who I dance with. 50s Di Sarli, early Calo, most Laurenz, I'll dance with whoever is there.

Sometimes it's just the music. But if you want to dance with this leader, pay attention to what music he likes to dance to, and show your interest then.
 
LoveTango said:
..There was this one gentleman I often saw at milongas. He just sat there for about an hour, didn't dance with any one, and then left. I don't ever expect that he would dance with me and he never did.... this time I felt somewhat offended
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Why didn´t you start a conversation with him. Think he would have been pretty glad to tell you about the torn cruciate ligament in his left knee, about the arthrosis that set subsequently in because the physicians weren´t able to detect any, and about the radiologist that couldn´t interpret his own high resolution MRT images well enough, and so on.. Tango isn´t about milonga, tango is about tango!
 
LoveTango said:
I went to a relatively quiet milonga. There were about 40 people, again more women than man. There was this one gentleman I often saw at milongas. He just sat there for about an hour, didn't dance with any one, and then left. I don't ever expect that he would dance with me and he never did. I never cared. However this time I felt somewhat offended. I guess that was because I am among the women that he could not find a single one worth to try out. How bad did we have to look? Or was it because of the music?
As a leader, do you ever felt so uninspiring that you could not bring yourself to the dance floor?
As a follower, would you feel even slightly offended if you noticed such thing?
Click to expand...

He was from the IRS checking out breaches of copyright of the music playing. Or just waiting for the rain outside to stop.

In answer to your question. I wouldn't hang around for a whole hour. if i didn't like the music I would leave far earlier than that.
 
I stay and leave after an hour when I think the navigational issues will make all dances unpleasant. Usually, though, I'll still test the waters once before leaving.

If I don't like the music I tend to stick around because I hope against my better judgement that something better is bound to come along (e.g. that the dancer, after three hours of instrumentals, will finally _have_ to play some tracks with vocals, or that surely you _can't_ have a milonga without a single Di Sarli tanda).
 
Sometimes you just want to listen and watch and enjoy. Why would you be offended at that?

Of course sometimes you might want to dance but perhaps the music isn't what you're in the mood for, or perhaps you can't find a follower that matches the music, or the follower you wanted for that tanda is already dancing or isn't paying attention to potential cabeceo invitations, or perhaps all the followers available are so much better that it's too intimidating to invite any.

Also, I personally like my first dance of a milonga to be an easy one - so I wait for a nice easy melodic golden age song with a partner I know I can trust to follow it. If it doesn't happen, that's fine - I'm at a milonga with music and live dancing. There may even be a couple of friends there that I could chat briefly with.
 
I'm assuming you mean that you have seen him dancing before and that he does indeed dance tango, AND that he isn't someone who seemed likely to be intimidated by the high skill level of the followers or the dancing conditions at the time that night.

Assuming all those things, then I think the leaders here have given good reasons why you shouldn't take it personally.

As a follower, if I'm doing a lot of sitting and there are leaders I like who aren't dancing at all, I do feel little unhappy about it, but just as a general "not personal" thing. I want to dance, I want to dance with THEM, and they aren't dancing tonight for whatever reason. Darn. I think it's reasonable to feel a little unhappy about situations like that as long as you aren't taking it personally.

Now if a leader IS dancing and he dances with everyone BUT me, then I might get offended. But I don't get offended if he isn't dancing with anyone. Clearly, it's not about me in that case, and there's no need to feel it has anything to do with me or my dancing.

Nowadays, however, even when I am rather specifically passed over, I don't get offended anymore. I've had enough positive reinforcement at this stage of my tango, that I figure "it's his loss."
 
sixela said:
Ah, then we urgently need to take you donw a notch! Can't have all that self-confidence, especially not in followers!
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Oh, please no! You've no idea how long it took me to develop this confidence and how depressed and unhappy I was when I felt rejected all the time! I've been a much better member of the community now that I feel confident, outgoing and happy at events. It's to everyone's benefit (especially the leaders I dance with, since i"m more relaxed!) that I not be a puddle of self-doubt!

Besides... I'm sure something will come along to take me down a notch. It always does! :confused:
 
or he might have been cabeceoing desperately the whole time and been ignored by all the followers, and he left just seconds before his composture cracked....
 
Happens to me quite often, actually. But usually eventually someone who's cabeceo-aware notices.
 
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