Shaking your dance partner?

[sigurd]

I ran into an old friend (also a dancer) lately and we update each other on our dance life. Something she said bothers me a big deal. I have my opinion, but I want to ask if others can kindly comment.

My friend has a very experience dance partner. Persumably he is also the stronger dancer out of the two. When she does something he doesn't like or not quite on balance, he will shake her or just push her away, in the middle of the dance floor. Because it is happening in the middle of the practice, everybody minds their business so basically no one see it. While she is trying to fix the issues, she just keep less contact and shape less so she has room to back off if it happens again.

So here is my question: Have you ever had problems with your dp and he/she turns physical to you? Is it normal? How do you handle it? Have you ever reluctant to split a non-working partnership because you worry that you won't find a new partner to compete? What is your experience?


My opinion is, well, if she is my daughter, I will hire mob to break the guy's leg. I guess I don't love dancing enough to endure hostility on the dance floor, and from the person who supposed support her. I have never competed at high level before, so I am curious of the situation.

 

[Tangos_with_Tim]

I admit freely that I have no experiences of a competitive partnership, but that kind of treatment is not justified by any relationship. She must be worried she will not find another partner, but I still think she must be crazy to put up with that, poor thing!

 

[Sagitta]

I would view the initial post description as abuse. I don't advocate remaining in any abusive relationships. Just because a person is stronger it does not give him/her a right to be physical to express disaproval.

 

[fascination]

no one needs to get physically aggressive...no...it is not okay...I am not going to address my personal experience with this, but I wouldn't tolerate it for a moment now ...and it isn't okay

 

[3wishes]

Unless I gave permission to my DP to utilize a form of correction with me that contains a physical thing - NO, it's not all right. True life - last year, with a new am/am partnership...into the 4th meeting/lesson, DP who had been polite, considerate, etc., literally did the same thing. I nearly dropped him to the ground right there as a self-defense mechanism. It's not ok. I walked out, left him there and never had or made contact again. He got the point. It might be ok in some cultures - but it's not ok with me.

 

[samina]

My friend has a very experience dance partner.

my experience with "very experienced dance partners" is that they are universally sensitive, gentle, and highly nuanced, whether pro or amateur.

the only brutes i've experienced on the dance floor have been advanced beginner or intermediate dancers who think they know more than they do, and use force in general to get their point across.

sounds to me like the guy is an opportunity for your friend to set some clear boundaries for herself as to what she is willing or not willing to allow into her relationships...being brutish is definitely not a component i would ever tolerate in a partner or instructor.

 

[dancerdol]

I have a number of coaches who have my permission to poke and prod me into a new position before we start dancing and one female coach has been known to surprise poke me in the back with her finger to give me the true feeling of recoiling and using my lats - but, none of this is abusive. They are gently correcting and using my preferred kinetic methodology of teaching. I don't mind being touched and helped to shape. No one should have an instructor or am partner - comp or social - shaking them or being physically abusive. As in life in general - there are bullies out there on the playground. Stand up to them or just walk away.

 

[quixotedlm]

Explain "shaking" or "pushing away". Is it lead - within context of connected movement - as a way to reset and restart, or is it done in a manhandling manner?

If it's the former, then we are in the realm of "like" vs "dislike", and just like any other negotiation, she needs to negotiate and find a common ground.

If it's the the latter, then my 2c is that there is not much reason to attempt communication or improvement of the situation at hand - esp. no reason to negotiate. She needs to tell him once that he'll stop any and all such actions, and that she will from now onwards err on the side of paranoia in interpreting his actions - resulting in the termination of the said partnership upon any lapse on his part, alongwith the expectation that she will feel no obligation for keeping the reasons for the break private.

 

[latingal]

For me, shaking nor pushing away roughly is not okay. And yes, I've seen some follows put up with a lot more abuse than I would because they are afraid they won't find another partnership.

 

[chomsky]

Wow!no competition experience but have had a bully in my shortly lived dance life! I can see how the follow tolerated it but there is a point of no return in dance like in life. I can only imagine how intense and passionate a dance partnership can get but still I don't think it will be physically abusive. I can imagine it being mentally or emotionally or verbally abusive but I'd never expect it to be physically abusive and I would anyhow strongly recommend noone tolerates physical abuse. At the end of the day, it can only harm your dance not develop it. Only in equality and liberty do people grow in dance like in life...My heart goes out to this follow; I hope she finds the guts to oppose her habit of accepting such humiliation. First it's with herself she has to fight and then break up with her lead who obviously doesn't lead.

Assuming you are right in the way you described the whole thing, then it is my true and honest opinion.

 

[chomsky]

I have a number of coaches who have my permission to poke and prod me into a new position before we start dancing and one female coach has been known to surprise poke me in the back with her finger to give me the true feeling of recoiling and using my lats - but, none of this is abusive. They are gently correcting and using my preferred kinetic methodology of teaching. I don't mind being touched and helped to shape. No one should have an instructor or am partner - comp or social - shaking them or being physically abusive. As in life in general - there are bullies out there on the playground. Stand up to them or just walk away.

so right!

 

[chomsky]

my experience with "very experienced dance partners" is that they are universally sensitive, gentle, and highly nuanced, whether pro or amateur.

the only brutes i've experienced on the dance floor have been advanced beginner or intermediate dancers who think they know more than they do, and use force in general to get their point across.

sounds to me like the guy is an opportunity for your friend to set some clear boundaries for herself as to what she is willing or not willing to allow into her relationships...being brutish is definitely not a component i would ever tolerate in a partner or instructor.

so nicely said!

 

[chomsky]

Unless I gave permission to my DP to utilize a form of correction with me that contains a physical thing - NO, it's not all right. True life - last year, with a new am/am partnership...into the 4th meeting/lesson, DP who had been polite, considerate, etc., literally did the same thing. I nearly dropped him to the ground right there as a self-defense mechanism. It's not ok. I walked out, left him there and never had or made contact again. He got the point. It might be ok in some cultures - but it's not ok with me.

weldone! good thing it only took him 4 meetings to show his true face; you didn't waste a lot of time on him!

 

[Paul.Long]

When I first saw this I thought "never ever shake a baby". And after reading this I will stand by it "never ever shake a baby". As male dancers we must be aware that it is not hard to physically overpower our partners, and we must always make sure not to cause them discomfort.

 

[sigurd]

Assuming you are right in the way you described the whole thing, then it is my true and honest opinion.

From my understanding, there is something that her dp expects her to do in the dance, but she can't quite manage. Her dp ran out of patient and shake her.

It might happen more than once. Personally, I think she is likely to dismiss it as an accident if it only happen once.

Anyway, so nobody worry about losing a comp partner?

Let me explain why I say this. When I first started competing the first time, I had a hard time to find a partner due to height issue. It only teaches me that good partner is really hard to come by, and sometime it is just down to luck and persistence. I know a lady (another one) gave up dancing all together because she waited for more than a year and still cannot find a suitable partner at the same level to continue. What if (this is just a what if here, so forget the original story) you want to compete and you found a partner. Unfortunately this partner is not treating you well. Will you be tempted to just stick around for a while, just a little bit longer, so maybe something will be solved? Will it ever come across to you that if you drop him/her, it might be the end of your comp life?