Social dancing vent...

J

JustLiving08

New Member
I hate when people tell me to relax, especially when I already felt pretty relaxed/didn't feel tense to begin with. I also feel as though by telling me to relax, the opposite will happen as I tend to tense up more after that comment. This pet peeve of mine is followed by teaching/critiquing me on the dance floor when I did not ask for it and trying the same pattern over and over again when it's obvious I'm just not getting it and not moving on.

okay... I feel better now, haha. Yeah, the social dance I went to on Saturday was bad and I guess a lot of my mistakes are still sticking with me. I guess it was just an off night for me. :(

Oh, I also need to learn to stop saying 'sorry' when I'm social dancing. I'm sure it gets annoying, but for some reason this is a hard habit for me to break.
 
I know just how you feel but don't worry and don't be so hard on yourself. I get reminded a lot to just relax which is frustrating but I think some of it comes from trying to watch your frame and hold yourself correctly. I definitely have those off nights also when nothing seems to go right but then the good ones seem to make up for the bad ones. And just think of how much better your dancing is becoming as you attend the socials! Saying sorry is the right thing to do-just once and move on. Hang in there!
 
I think the people telling you to "relax" may be saying it because your arms/hold or body is too tense and rigid, so its hard to lead you?
 
JustLiving, the others may be right that there's a legitimate physical critique behind the "relax" comment, but I completely identify with your reaction to it. To me, even if it's intended as "relax your arms/frame so I can lead you better," it feels like an assumption about my state of mind, and a condescending one at that: "Oh, the poor little thing is nervous out here social dancing. Relax, you don't have to be scared."

It reminds me of one time my old practice partner and I were having trouble with a step, and I was getting frustrated. He actually patted me and said, "Smile!"

Poor guy, I think I scared him with how hard I bit his head off, especially since I'm normally very even tempered and we always got along well. I did apologize, but I couldn't prevent the involuntary shudder of revulsion. You don't get to tell me how to feel.

So, a warning to anyone who might be tempted to tell me (or JustLiving) to relax (with all the additional caveats about critiques on the social dance floor): it'll go over better if you make sure it's explicitly physical. "Relax your arms," or "Relax your frame." And make sure you don't pat me ;)
 
Wow. Heaven forfend anyone actually try to be kind and make an innocuous comment to try and lighten the mood! Can't have anyone actually differentiating between a deliberate insult and a kindly-intended comment that went awry.
 
I hope that's a joking, well-intentioned wow :)

I stand by my self-description as even tempered, and I really am good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. The reason that one event was memorable is because that sort of reaction is really rare for me. I'm just saying that I understand how being told to relax (by a stranger; a teacher is different, of course) can make someone tense up more, and I thought JustLiving might like to know she's not alone in not liking it. The idea that I was interpreting a maybe physical comment as a judgment of my state of mind is what I came up with intellectually when I was trying to figure out why my gut didn't like the comment. And intellectualizing it like that can help me avoid or at least understand a gut reaction.
 
bia said:
To me, even if it's intended as "relax your arms/frame so I can lead you better," it feels like an assumption about my state of mind, and a condescending one at that: "Oh, the poor little thing is nervous out here social dancing. Relax, you don't have to be scared."
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's how I feel about it too... it just irks me. I wonder if I would prefer them to say, "relax your arms/frame" to just "relax".

Peaches said:
Wow. Heaven forfend anyone actually try to be kind and make an innocuous comment to try and lighten the mood! Can't have anyone actually differentiating between a deliberate insult and a kindly-intended comment that went awry.
Click to expand...

I know the comment wasn't said to be insulting and I know it's just a constructive criticism, but it's just one of those things. I think Bia hit it right on the nail as to why it bothers me.

And yeah, everyone here is right... I'm sure it does refer more to my frame, but it just ends up putting me more on edge because then my brain starts to go into over drive and I start to over analyze everything (frame, steps, turns, etc) so instead of actually relaxing, I feel like I actually get more tense. Which is in no way the leader's problem, it's my own I know... it's just something I'll learn to deal with in the future I'm sure.
 
Peaches, ever have one of those days when even the most well-intentioned and innocent comments make you rip the other person's head off?

Yeah, thought so :tongue:

Then again, if I'm in *that* kind of mood, I either purposely seclude myself or fire a warning shot to those around me that I'm wearing my Cranky Pants. Social dancing is the last thing I'd want to be doing.
 
Peaches said:
Wow. Heaven forfend anyone actually try to be kind and make an innocuous comment to try and lighten the mood! Can't have anyone actually differentiating between a deliberate insult and a kindly-intended comment that went awry.
Click to expand...

relax :tongue:

Anywho I think there are better ways of telling people to relax... such as complimenting their dancing etc. That way folk feel more relaxed and at ease. Can also make that person feel better about themselves. Obviously don't go overboard otherwise said person will get a complex... smooching in a dance competition with both partners wearing lipstick is
nono.gif
 
Now I'm feeling all embarrassed that I over-shared :oops:

Oh well, that's the danger of the internet. I'll just have to take everyone's advice and relax about it!
 
and123 said:
Peaches, ever have one of those days when even the most well-intentioned and innocent comments make you rip the other person's head off?

Yeah, thought so :tongue:

Then again, if I'm in *that* kind of mood, I either purposely seclude myself or fire a warning shot to those around me that I'm wearing my Cranky Pants. Social dancing is the last thing I'd want to be doing.
Click to expand...
Oh, absolutely! ;) I am female, you know! And, yes, I deal with it the same way.

IMO, there's nothing wrong with not liking being told to relax. A reaction is a reaction, and there's nothing to say that it's wrong or right.

I just think that perhaps it would behoove people stop, take a deep breath, and realize that others rarely mean things like that to be offensive. It's meant to be positive and reassuring, IME and IMO. That it isn't taken as such doesn't change the fact that someone meant well.

Furthermore, I think it becomes dangerous and unproductive to start assigning meanings or motivations to other people. Unless, of course, it's so blatant as to make a neon sign look subtle. "Relax," for example, doesn't have to be condescending. Having used that myself, i don't think I've ever meant it that way. Relax means relax...un-tense your body, no more no less. Anything more than that is assumption and projecting.
 
Thinking you are relaxed and actually being relaxed are not necessarily the same thing.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Dance Ads

Advertise on Dance Forums Reach dancers, teachers, studios, event organizers, and dance-friendly brands. View ad options
Back
Top