Social obligations...

[pygmalion]

Oh aquadancer. I feel your pain.

There are so many ways we dancers and wannabe dancers make each other miserable. :cry:


From what you describe, the guy who asked you to swing, overrode your objection, then tried to make you learn choreography on the fly, was RUDE! He was in the wrong, not you.

Overall, though, turning guys down is a touchy thing. Those egos, you know. I never turn a guy down unless I have to, then I pretty much grin and bear it, unless he's getting too intimate or is drunk. It's only three minutes, after all.

But, If you prefer a more assertive approach, I suggest coming up with a few humorous lines, and using them. I use this strategy all the time when a guy is leading badly, or I'm following badly. A little laugh, (in general, not at him) a little apology, and/or a little joke go a long way.

In your situation, how about, "Wow. We're really not together tonight, are we? (insert non-threatening laugh here ) Why don't we take a break, and try it again later?" Key here -- never blame the guy. And never laugh at him.

Try it. This approach works for me. Maybe it will work for you too.

Oh, and by the way, welcome, welcome, welcome to the forums. It's so good to see you posting. Lots of folks post once, then disappear forever. Good to have you!

Jenn

 

[pygmalion]

Re: Social Obligations . . .

True enough...but the true bane of my dancing existence is NO resistance whatsoever...the infamous "spaghetti arms" – yuck!

Are you kidding? these are the best to do the fancy cuban style pretzel moves with! Use your head / shoulders and torso to connect with her elbows and all the sudden spaghetti arms are a dream...

My coach and I talked about this at my lesson today, and came up with the conclusion that what you really want is al dente cooked spaghetti arms! :lol:

Not brittle, like uncooked spaghetti. Not floppy, like well-done spaghetti. A little firm, but still flexible, like al dente spaghetti. Think about it. Pretty profound, not? :lol:

 

[SDsalsaguy]

A workable ingredient...but also keep in mind that this thread is in the ballroom forum and, contrary to much common misconception, there are differences in leading and following between different dance forms. Certainly all leading and following have more in common then they have between them, but that doesn't negate real and significant variances as well.

 

[pygmalion]

Absolutely. The secret is to find a way to give the right amount of resistance, per move, per dance. And that varies.

 

[MissAlyssa]

Why do I keep thinking up exceptions to my own darn post?

There were two times I broke my own rule.

1. When a guy who asked me had bad BO.
2. When a guy who asked me had an extremely jealous wife. I'm not getting in the middle of that.

reason #6582 pygmalion is awesome.

 

[Vince A]

I'll drink to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[MissAlyssa]

*cheers*

 

[pygmalion]

Back to the topic, folks! :tongue: :lol:

What are some diplomatic ways you handle obnoxious, intrusive or clueless people on the dancefloor?

 

[DanceMentor]

No matter how well you try to come up with a code that treats everyone fairly, there is always a black sheep in every crowd (no offense, Black Sheep). Sometimes the best policy is to continue to deny them in hopes that they might learn, especially after blunt honesty has failed (ex. "I think you REALLY need to bring mints with you to the dances" or "it's no fun dancing when you keep running me into people").

 

[Vin]

I guess the question here is, where do you draw the line, when you're dancing with an unfamiliar partner? How much feedback can you give without being rude, but still respect your right to have a good time?

I think a good way(if you really want to help this person) would be to stay quiet during the first dance, then afterwards make a couple of comments and ask for another dance. During the second dance you can start to point out specific things.
Usually if I am dancing with a partner who has wanted to dance with me a for a bit of time, I don't take criticism too harshly. I try and use this technique with the women I dance with as well.

 

[pygmalion]

That sounds like a reasonable approach, Vin. The other thing I sometimes do is try to give feedback nonverbally. No crossed eyes, or anything. Just, for example, do my part correctly, to counter their mistakes. A lot of times, people will adjust and do things correctly without my ever having to make a verbal criticism.

 

[pygmalion]

Does anybody else have advice on how to handle awkward situations and obnoxious people on the dance floor?

 

[SwinginBoo]

This guy kinda just pulled me out on the dance floor to do a swing. I told him that I don't know much swing, nor do I want to but that's beside the poing. I know some ECS and WCS but this guy was crazy. He's like "ok you stand over there and I'll stand over here and ... He basically was trying to choreograph something right there. The whole time I'm just like this is terrible. So, half way through the song I thanked him and apologized for not knowing whatever it was he was trying to get me to do and we left the floor.

I still feel so guilty for leaving like that but honestly he was CRAZY!

LOL. I Know that guy!!! You aren't from RI by any chance?

It was when I was first starting out dancing. He asked me to dance and i said I know a little ECS. All of a sudden he started dancing in Circles around me. I swear this is the truth, he just kept going in circles the whole song. It was the most hilarious thing ever! After the dance my friend asks me "so did you know that, THAT is how swing is done?" It was so funny. :lol:

 

[SwinginBoo]

I don't correct on the floor. I just dance. I wouldn't have said anything, but she opened the door.

We now dance very well together, in fact, have competed together.

Funny how some things happen!

Vince, this is my rule of thumb as well. No one likes to be corrected on the dance floor. Social dancing is a time for enjoyment. If, however, the person I am dancing with asks for some instruction then by all means I give it. If it is someone I know well and am teaching in general then I will help them out between songs.

 

[Vince A]

I found this . . . hope it helps . . . it's very long!

On Etiquette When Social Dancing
Dancing was born in a noble and elegant attitude. When a man escorts the lady to the floor for a dance, she should be on his right side. Not only is this the "place of honor", but there is also the symbolism going back many centuries, which implies that the man is offering his fighting arm in service to his lady, and by placing a hand on his arm she is accepting him as her champion. For everyday modern ballroom etiquette, the woman precedes the man to the floor, no contact is required. Once on the dance floor, the man takes a position and extends his left hand to his partner in invitation (palm vertical, towards her), she takes the last two or three steps towards him and takes his hand and then comes into his arms (Exception: Viennese Waltz. Right hand, half turn, curtsy.) The "lady being on his right because his sword is on his left" is just another urban myth. No officer and/or gentleman would wear his weapons at a ball. The man's job is to show off the lady and let her have fun.
If you are interrupting a conversation to ask someone to dance, you should at least apologize to both people for interrupting the conversation. Unfortunately, even this simple courtesy can't be found in many dancers.

A general rule is that one should always say yes (once per evening at least) when one is asked to dance (this is true whether a leader asks a follower or a follower asks a leader.) Exception: if one has reason to believe that person would hurt you or if one is in an unusually fragile state due to injury recovery. If you find yourself in a painful situation, don't be afraid to stop and say something like "I am sorry but some of your moves are aggravating a past injury and so I will have to sit the rest of this dance out." Nobody should, out of politeness, risk injury. If a man leads you badly - especially when he tries to do something that endangers or hurts you - you can:

1) Subtly refuse to follow... don't pull away, just backlead or do something very different from what he's expecting.

2) Boldly refuse to follow... let go! Become physically detached from him and tell him (out loud) that it hurt!

Smart guys will at least realize that they've done something wrong and will get the idea after this happens once or twice Dumb or uncaring guys aren't going to get the idea, but you'll know to stay away from them in the future. Don't feel that you have to get through the dance with them.

What are the consequences of saying yes and do you accept those? I have danced with a few ladies who said yes and then intentionally showed little or no interest in dancing or were rude in other ways. I would have prefered them to have simply said "no thanks" if they were not really interested in dancing with me.

Men and women are both allowed to refuse a dance and "sit one out". If they do, the rules of etiquette say that they must sit it out completely, regardless of who asks them to dance. Exception: a woman (or man!) trying to shake someone who is hitting-on/pawing her should be free to ignore the cad and immediately go find someone else with whom to dance. Why let a bozo spoil a nice evening of dancing?

If you have trouble telling people that you don't wish to dance with them, try this rejection line: "I'd love to, but I think I'm going to mingle--there are many people I haven't danced with yet. Perhaps we can get in another before the end of the evening?" [The second sentence/question is optional]

On rules of etiquette... Social dancing is as friendly a place as you make it, but it's not slavery. You aren't a paid taxi dancer, required to dance with whomever. Sitting out dances, just because someone you don't want to dance with asked you first, is not what you paid your money at the door for. Dance with whom you want to. That said... Remember that you may have to ask (beg, plead) to get the person you turned down (and maybe his friends also) to dance with you in the future. Maybe he won't have fun, will stop dancing, won't tell his friends how much fun it is, all your favorite dance places will go out of business, you won't have anywhere to dance, etc., etc. Aside from good manners, there *are* other reasons to be polite. Many beginners who later become good dancers remember who was courteous and who was not.

Looking at yourself in the mirror is definitely not correct behavior at a social dance. When you practice, especially by yourself, looking in the mirror can be helpful. Looking when you are socially dancing with a partner can be rude.

When you've finished dancing, always thank your partner first, thank them for asking you to dance if that was the case, and mention something that was inspiring if that emotion was tweaked.