Tango and relationship

[Mladenac]

Senegal's proverb: "Don't try to make someone hate the person he loves, for he will still go on loving, but he will hate you."

If you partner didn't dance with those ladies you are jealous at, he would like to dance with them anyway.

There are followers that every time I dance with I cheer up, but we don't have any emotional connection.

Does he need permission to talk with certain women that you find "dangerous"?

 

[Nathan]

Rather than causing tension in your relationship or within the community, it might be more effective to make friends with these women yourself.

 

[Zoopsia59]

I also believe that you can dance with whoever you want including if you want to dance exclusively with someone in AT.....

Sure... if the other person wants that too. But in your case, the other person DOESN'T want that. That's the real problem here.. not what WE think, not what other people in your dance community think... The problem is what your boyfriend thinks. And he's just as entitled to his view as you are to yours.

Your views are incompatible.

(although, I admit that given the shortage of leaders most places, if he refused to dance with anyone but you, especially after having danced with others up til now, other followers WOULD grumble.. no one wants to go to a dance and not get to dance because they don't have a partner and couples only dance with one another)

It would be diifferent if both ideas are given the same weight

if both ideas were given the same highlight , at least it will come to an understanding and consideration

Even if it were considered and respected as a choice, it wouldn't improve the situation you're in: One of you wanting one thing and the other wants the opposite.

It's equally valid in society for people to have kids or not have kids. But if one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't, it's still a problem. There really isn't a compromise that works. You either have kids or you don't. How do you compromise? Borrow kids from someone else for a few days per week? Have kids that only one spouse ever deals with at all?

Seriously... some things can't be solved through compromise. You and your bf have stumbled onto one of them. You either dance tango with other people or you don't. You are at opposite ends of the spectrum in this. You are incompatible. You're going to have to accept that. Either you will have to change how you feel on this issue, or you will have to change boyfriends. You can't force, require, expect or hold out hope that he will change, or that we will say something that you can take to him that will convince him to change.

And if this thing is understood that " you can choose to dance exclusivey" with someone VIP and is given the same highlight as in " you should dance with as many partners" then social dancing would be appropriate for couples/ non couples

Social dancing IS appropriate for couples just the way it is. It is not appropriate for YOU and how you feel as part of a couple. My favorite leaders are ALL in committed relationships. One of them is married, but he has a different person as his primary tango partner even though his wife dances. Like my bf and I, he and his wife tend to bicker when they dance tango together.

If people all felt as you do, I'd have no one to dance with because those leaders would be dancing exclusively with their wives. In fact, in our smallish community (and quite a few others I've heard about) leaders consider it somewhat of a community obligation to dance with some of the the unattached women. Naturally they have their favorite partners (who may or may not be their life partners) but some leaders make an effort to dance with as many different people as possible so that more followers get to dance. This is not romantic or sexy... it's just considerate.

 

[Zoopsia59]

that's why actually I was asking how are couples who expects exclusivity deal with the tango scene that "demand" you to change partners..

You are not part of a couple that expects exclusivity. YOU expect exclusivity and your bf expects to change partners. The "tango scene" is not is not your problem... your incompatibility with your boyfriend is the problem.

If a couple took up tango and only danced with each other, people might wonder why, but they'd hardly be pariahs of the community. Most likely people would assume that they were too insecure in their dancing ability to dance with others and would try to help them out. Once it became clear that they only wanted to dance with one another, people would stop asking them.

That is NOT the situation you are in.

 

[opendoor]

admire ! If I only could write as you can. Even in my own language I am far from your abilities :| (and no tongue at all)

cheers

 

[waltzgirl]

fazz, if I understand you correctly, you were not a dancer until you met this boyfriend and he introduced you to tango. As a result, I don't think you really "get" dancing. All your discussion of it seems to see dancing as a means to some other end--a way to meet people to date or a way to spend time with your boyfriend. Fair enough, since dancing wasn't something you were interested in enough to pursue on your own. But try to understand--for most people who dance, dancing is done to dance--for the pleasure of the activity--not for any other purpose. Many of us don't date in our dance communities--or do so very cautiously--specifically so that dancing will remain enjoyable for itself, without complications from romance. For many dancers, it's just more fun to dance with a variety of people; each partner brings something different to the dance, and that makes for a more interesting dance experience.

 

[JohnEm]

admire ! If I only could write as you can. Even in my own language I am far from your abilities :| (and no tongue at all)

Actually I admire Zoopsia's tenacity in consistently, clearly and patiently explaining
all this to someone who seems not to be listening. Sometimes I wonder how Zoopsia
has managed to work out what it is that Fazz is arguing.

 

[Zoopsia59]

Sometimes I wonder how Zoopsia
has managed to work out what it is that Fazz is arguing.

well, we're really just a couple of girls dishing about relationship problems... I have a LOT of experience with that!

(and when I'm not sure what someone is saying, I just project something onto them and assume I'm right, proceeding as though it's a certainty... LOL.
Usually if I'm off-base, the other person sets me straight pretty darn quick )

 

[JohnEm]

well, we're really just a couple of girls dishing about relationship problems... I have a LOT of experience with that!

Bet your friends appreciate you.

(and when I'm not sure what someone is saying, I just project something onto them and assume I'm right, proceeding as though it's a certainty... LOL.
Usually if I'm off-base, the other person sets me straight pretty darn quick )

Reading your answers in order to work out the questions
may not have been such a good idea!

 

[Zoopsia59]

Bet your friends appreciate you.

Several of them have said I should become a therapist or counselor. If I was younger and had time left for that much school, I would consider it.

Reading your answers in order to work out the questions may not have been such a good idea!

hahaha... well, it's a clue at least... not all clues solve the case.

 

[Dancebug]

Rather than causing tension in your relationship or within the community, it might be more effective to make friends with these women yourself.

I have been wondering how come nobody suggested this idea. I want to ask why the OP could not make friends of her own and become part of the community/his world instead of just waiting for her BF to come back, while he was dancing with other women. Having friends on the dance scene and chatting with them when you are bored with dancing is always fun. Nowadays when I go to a dance party, it is to see and talk with my dance friends than to dance. And dancers are most interesting people as a group, as far as I know.

Also OP talked about the spousal space. I want to remind the OP that she and her BF were not married while they were dating. Expecting a spousal treatment while a couple is dating is not OK. It is good that the OP knows what she wants in a relationship. Unfortunately I feel she has something backward. I feel she wants to behave like a spouse before the relationship gets there. It does not work. It does not work even in the places where there are no dancers and no other women to interfere.

My post might sound harsh, but I said what I said because I get what she says. I had the same kind of feeling and attitude. But I could not succeed in my relationship until I changed my view on relationship.

 

[LoveTango]

......
The fundamental purpose of dancing of any kind, social or not, is to DANCE. For those of us who have dance in our souls, we HAVE to dance. Dance is a purpose all unto itself.. the other people are just icing on the cake, the style of dance is the flavoring in the cake. But Dancing is the cake.
.......

Thank you, Zoopsia!

I don't hide the fact that I have a happy family. I hope my dance partners don't dance with me because of the possibility of "dating" me.

 

[plugger]

I agree that Fazz's issue is between her and her boyfriend and not with the tango community or the dance itself, but I hope this doesn't devolve into a "me vs you" zero-sum situation. There are couples who dance happily and only with each other, but many partners might feel that if they are asked to limit their dancing to one person, even the one they love, they're giving up much of the riches that the dance offers. Such a sacrifice, just because one partner currently and temporarily feels uncomfortable, insecure or jealous, is an awful lot to ask. Resentment is likely, and he might wonder what other demands are waiting for him down the road.
I can't help thinking that this might be a temporary problem they'll look back on and laugh over in a year or so. I also wonder if her boyfriend is aware of how she might feel if she sits alone often while he dances a 10-minute tanda, and then maybe another, perhaps in close embrace and with very competent partners. He may have no intent to fuel her insecurity, but that result is perfectly natural.
The advice that others have given, to socialize the other women at the milonga, is very wise. Also, she should accept dances with other men if asked, even if she feels unprepared.
I know this is a tango site, but one reason I suggested that they might take a few C/W two-step lessons on the side is that the dance is fun (tango is wonderful but not exactly fun), busy enough to keep you focused on dancing (or you'll get run over), and very respectful and mannerly (you're separated by six inches or so and modestly clothed). And the dances last about three minutes, a short time to be apart. Perhaps most important, almost everybody in C/W is happy to dance with beginners. Tango dancers often have a different view -- I'll dance with you when I think you're ready for me -- which is perfectly valid in that community but can feel intimidating to newbies.
I've went through times like that years ago as the insecure member of a couple. Now I get great pleasure both from dancing with my girlfriend and watching her dance with others. If this problem surfaces in tango it will probably surface in other aspects of your life together. You can deal with it, and you'll be glad later that you did.

 

[Mladenac]

I know a married couple that danced exclusively for a year.
Now they have big problems adjusting to other dancers.

She could become friends with other followers but it seems that she could see a frenemy not a friend.

 

[plugger]

That's another good point. If you only dance with each other, his leads will start to feel normal and correct to you even if they're not working very well and would be recognized by other dancers as incorrect. In effect, the two of you quite unintentionally develop a code that only works (sort of, anyway) with each other. If and when you try to dance with others later on, Fazz will probably have trouble following the leads of experienced dancers, and her BF will have trouble leading experienced followers. Much better to dance a lot with each other and also a lot with your felllow dancers.