Tango etiquette. Is it normal?

S

Sombra

New Member
Dear all, I need your opinion.

Situation.
I am dancing with more or less regular partner. After two tangos (we do not have tandas on this milonga), he asks for permission to leave me because one of bad leaders is approaching one girl and is going to ask her for a dance and my partner has to save her from the fate worse than death. Can I really say no in this situation? (rhetorical question). But I felt so…. humiliated, angry and
lost.

Next time I tried to discuss this situation with him, expecting some kind of apology. I was so naïve… He thinks that what he did was absolutely normal, I was overreacting and so on. So according to him, in all civilized world this type of behaviour is absolutely acceptable and normal.

Question. What do you think about it? Leaders, would you be able to do something like this? Followers, what would you feel? Am I really overreaction and far too sensitive? Please, I need your opinion.
 
Sombra said:
.. need your opinion
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Welcome at the DF, Sombra:

1) You are right, that was an unacceptable behavior - don´t dance with him any more.

2) But, the cited situation with this bad guy is real, too. I was in the same situation once or twice. But, in that case, I watch and wait in the background till the "danger" is over and do not ask for a dance in just that moment for myself....

OD
 
The guy has obviously no manners. You are right to feel angry. How you are going to punish him (if at all) is up to you and depends on so many other factors. Stop dancing with him? Tell him openly that you find his behaviour unacceptable? Say nothing and be cold with him? Let him try his own medicine so he knows how it feels?
 
Opendoor,
I have tried to send private message to you twice and it looks like it was sent but my “sent” box is empty.
 
Sombra said:
Dear all, I need your opinion.
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Well, you did ask... :)

Sombra said:
I am dancing with more or less regular partner.
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So, I assume, someone you know and are familiar with.

Sombra said:
After two tangos (we do not have tandas on this milonga), he asks for permission to leave me because one of bad leaders is approaching one girl and is going to ask her for a dance and my partner has to save her from the fate worse than death.
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By "bad leader", do you mean "dangerous / pervy / notorious / harmful"? Or just "inexperienced"?

If the former, then I can see his point of view - although he's fixing a symptom rather than the problem. If the latter, then he shouldn't get involved.

On the other hand, he did ask your permission first...

Sombra said:
Can I really say no in this situation? (rhetorical question). But I felt so…. humiliated, angry and lost.
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It seems an over-reaction on your part - I mean, you've already had 2 dances with him, you've had many other dances with him in the past, does one more here or there matter, from someone you know? :confused:

Sombra said:
Next time I tried to discuss this situation with him, expecting some kind of apology.
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Why were you expecting an apology? He asked permission, you gave it - from his point of view, it's over.

Sombra said:
I was so naïve… He thinks that what he did was absolutely normal, I was overreacting and so on.
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Ummmm.... well... I think he's got a point.

Sombra said:
So according to him, in all civilized world this type of behaviour is absolutely acceptable and normal.
Normal? Dunno. But at the very worst, he's been a little insensitive, and I assume he'd argue that he was acting to help out this other girl.

Sombra said:
Question. What do you think about it?
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I think you should move on, and not worry about something so relatively trivial.

Sombra said:
Leaders, would you be able to do something like this?
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Well, it depends, again, what you mean by "bad leader". To be honest, if a leader is really dangerous, the appropriate action is to try to make that leader less dangerous.

It seems like your partner was maybe misguided, but that's all.

Out of interest, is the woman he "rescued" young, good-looking, sexy? Just asking...
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Sombra said:
I do not even know how to answer on your question. Nothing wrong.
It is really very commendable to save somebody but why at my expense?
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Were you expecting to dance with him exclusively all night?

Maybe you were... and that may be typical in your situation. In most of the ones Joe or I know, even if you are there with a partner / date / friend who you plan to dance with mostly, that doesn't mean you owe them 100% exclusive attention - being open to some degree of interaction with others is a key part of being at a dance event.

Obviously this is not the only possible arrangement between those who attend an event together. But it's not an unreasonable assumption.

Sounds like what is really needed is better communication between the two of you.
 
Dave Bailey said:
By "bad leader", do you mean "dangerous / pervy / notorious / harmful"? Or just "inexperienced"?
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He is not dangerous/pervy/harmful. He is just bad dancer who does not (can not) learn.

Dave Bailey said:
On the other hand, he did ask your permission first...
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Yes, he did. But could I really say NO?

Dave Bailey said:
It seems an over-reaction on your part - I mean, you've already had 2 dances with him, you've had many other dances with him in the past, does one more here or there matter, from someone you know? :confused:
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Very interesting. Is it really important how many dances I had with this partner in the past? There is kind of rule to dance at least one tanda. I think that from somebody you know to get something like this is less pleasant, than from somebody new.


Dave Bailey said:
Why were you expecting an apology? He asked permission, you gave it - from his point of view, it's over.
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OK. Better to say that I was informed in question form.

Dave Bailey said:
I think you should move on, and not worry about something so relatively trivial.
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That is what I did.
Everything in this life is more or less trivial. I don't know. What if you ask a girl and she says no and immediately accept somebody else invitation? It is also trivial, but I am sure that it will not hurt you at all. We, followers, also have some rules and try to follow them. If I say NO for whatever reason I do not accept an invitation from another leader for the same dance. Or what if I will dance couple of dances with you and then will say "thank you" and leave? I am pretty sure that you were in this situation before. And it is not very pleasant, is it? But absolutely trivial.

Dave Bailey said:
Out of interest, is the woman he "rescued" young, good-looking, sexy? Just asking...
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Kind of:-D
 
Sombra said:
Dear all, I need your opinion.

Situation.
I am dancing with more or less regular partner. After two tangos (we do not have tandas on this milonga), he asks for permission to leave me because one of bad leaders is approaching one girl and is going to ask her for a dance and my partner has to save her from the fate worse than death. Can I really say no in this situation? (rhetorical question). But I felt so…. humiliated, angry and
lost.

Next time I tried to discuss this situation with him, expecting some kind of apology. I was so naïve… He thinks that what he did was absolutely normal, I was overreacting and so on. So according to him, in all civilized world this type of behaviour is absolutely acceptable and normal.

Question. What do you think about it? Leaders, would you be able to do something like this? Followers, what would you feel? Am I really overreaction and far too sensitive? Please, I need your opinion.
Click to expand...

Is this the first time something like this has happened and if it is just let it go.
If it's something that happens regularly you have to set some personal boundaries for yourself showing what is or is not acceptable. I would have a calm discussion with him explaining why it’s not acceptable behavior to you and if he doesn’t get it that's his choice your choice could be to stop dancing with him in which case it's probably his loss. But remember revenge and punishment don’t work in dance.
 
Chris Stratton said:
. Sounds like what is really needed is better communication between the two of you.
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I'd agree: regardless of the situation, if someone asks you a question, and you really feel as if you don't have a choice, then maybe there is a conversation to be had. If you expect an apology before you can have that conversation, it may get quite complicated.

Have you agreed how it would play out, if anything like that happened again? Regardless of what replies you get here, or any externally enforced wyas of doign things, or etiquette, what matters is that you agree amongst yourselves for the future. T xx
 
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