the invitation to dance

[IndyLady]

For a few dances I'll definitely ask a favorite partner or two, but otherwise I try to make sure no one is sitting out song after song. It just seems polite. How can I tell if someone feels as you do unless you/they come right out and tell me?

You know those red/green indicators they have at Brazilian BBQ restaurants to signal to the meat servers whether you want them to stop at your table or not? We need those at dance socials. Because I've been rejected by way too many men who I would have avoided if I'd known they just had their card flipped to red. Seriously dudes, if you do not want to dance, please leave, do not intermix with the other dancers cuz I can't tell you apart.

There's one lady I know who takes the attitude: I didn't pay to come here to sit around and watch all evening who does ask. Most likely those who will respond. I wish there were more like that. But we have to invent our rules and societal conventions. No one really wants to be left out.

I don't think you and I are acquainted, but I am like that "one lady". I don't feel compelled to dance EVERY.SINGLE.DANCE, but for the most part I'd prefer to be plying my craft on the floor.


I'm actually not sure how to answer the question. I don't mind asking, I don't mind being asked, and it's nice when two of us just gravitate together because we know we have a good cha cha, or tango, or whatever.

Here's what I don't like: having to beg or cajole or twist the arm of someone (usually a newbie, so yes I realize patience is in order) who's putting up resistance with "I don't know anything, I'm not good at waltz, blah blah". OK well it's going to stay that way if you don't get on the floor when asked.

I also prefer to dance things like bolero, samba, v waltz, etc with leads who can actually do them. I don't expect to get an expert every time, but I've had instances where someone will routinely flock to me for one of those, even though they can't really do it (sorry but some physical limitations are just flat out insurmountable on those).

Something I learned by observation at a recent social: don't try to be cute/funny when asking people to dance, just make it a straightforward ask, e.g. "Would you like to rumba?" I wasn't the victim here, but I watched as a man we didn't know asked one of my (female) friends at my table: "What do you want most for Christmas?" Her: "A new car?" Him (hint hint): "What do you want most right now for Christmas?" ... a couple more go arounds, the correct answer was "to dance!" I know this crowd knows better than to pull stuff like this, but if you have friends who do, please start counseling them against it. I think that guy ended up with an unflattering nickname that we referred to him by for the rest of the night.

 

[Brummbaer]

Here's what I don't like: having to beg or cajole or twist the arm of someone (usually a newbie, so yes I realize patience is in order) who's putting up resistance with "I don't know anything, I'm not good at waltz, blah blah". OK well it's going to stay that way if you don't get on the floor when asked.

OK, you did say that you asked, but, taking the above special situation, it ain't always easy being male and being expected to invite - and then, why some women aren't asked to dance. It can be argued that cabeceo/mirada (in conducive situations) 'saves face' for the male. But not all situations are conducive. Why do we all make an invitation and acceptance/rejection so complicated?

 

[Warren J. Dew]

All of the question answers are from men so far?

 

[ProgressNotPerfection]

Except for the answers from me, @IndyLady , and @j_alexandra

 

[LateToTheDance]

Relatedly, I never wondered the male/female ratio on this entire dance-forums website. I'm guessing it's heavily female. Off-topic for this thread I realize.

 

[Warren J. Dew]

Except for the answers from me, @IndyLady , and @j_alexandra

I'm talking about checking an answer to the survey question at the top of the thread. Is there a reason for the women not to want to vote for one of the choices?

 

[ProgressNotPerfection]

I'm talking about checking an answer to the survey question at the top of the thread. Is there a reason for the women not to want to vote for one of the choices?

Oh! That’s funny - until you pointed it out, I didn’t even notice that there was a survey question. I’m a word person, so I went straight to the written posts.

Hmm. Of course I can’t speak for all the women, but in my case, I prefer to explain my responses in more detail than is usually available in a “check the applicable box” survey.

 

[DoWrongRight]

I tend to prefer to invite others to dance. I am a "try to dance with everyone once" person with a few caveats:

• We have danced in the past and we don't get along (there are 3 people in this category).
• The lady is obviously there to only dance with 1 person (you would hope this is obvious, but for some people it isn't).
• They aren't there to dance.

I like to ask others to dance because I am AWFUL at saying no. I usually ask someone I know to dance first or someone that I met during the pre-social group class. I try to get different partners for the first 3-4 dances and then I may repeat a partner after that and start to mix others in I haven't danced with or who aren't dancing at that time. I also get 3rd party asked into dancing because my instructor is more than eager to pimp rent me out for dances.

 

[pianistamediano]

Honestly, I prefer to invite - it's even better if they accept!

If the music catches my fancy, then I'm definitely looking for a dance, and I'd rather initiate it since it lets me choose who I want to dance with (for a variety of reasons - she might be tapping her foot to the music with a smile, she might be a great fit for the music, etc.).

Although, if I know that the lady is a great dancer (from past dances or just from seeing them on the dance floor), an invitation from them would just be lovely even if the music isn't as good as I'd like it to be.

There are ladies that I don't really like dancing with, so I try to avoid them. However, I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I do dance with them if they invite me, and I try to give them an enjoyable time despite not really enjoying it myself. Naturally, this goes double for any people I'm personally acquainted with.

The asker is clearly just making the rounds by asking every lady there to dance…and even though I appreciate his efforts and think what he’s doing is The Right Thing (especially at the social dances I attend, at which men/leaders are in short supply), I don’t want to dance with him simply because it’s my “turn.” I’d rather he skip me & move on to the next lady.

That being said, I do agree with what ProgressNotPerfection said about making the rounds. I think I've heard it called a pity dance. If someone is new at my local events, I do try and get a dance in with her just so that she can have a good time (If I can be so arrogant to say that!), but with regulars that I'd rather not dance with, even if there is a surplus of leaders, I wouldn't invite them.

It's a bit more tricky with beginners - obviously I'd love for there to be more dancers I enjoy dancing with, but guiding a beginner follower around the dance floor while adjusting for her lack of experience is a lot of work, plus moving to the music tends to be more difficult and frustrating at times (which really hurts my soul), so probably only if I'm in a good mood and not physically tired.

 

[Warren J. Dew]

Oh! That’s funny - until you pointed it out, I didn’t even notice that there was a survey question. I’m a word person, so I went straight to the written posts.

That would certainly explain it for you.

Hmm. Of course I can’t speak for all the women, but in my case, I prefer to explain my responses in more detail than is usually available in a “check the applicable box” survey.

I tend to find that I have to pick the closest choice, which may not be all too close. In this case, I picked "both the same" as closest to "it depends". I'm happy to be invited by someone I want to dance with, but I'd prefer the choice of not inviting someone I don't want to dance with, like the ladies whose "left" puts weight on my right arm, since that's always painful for me.

 

[j_alexandra]

Except for the answers from me, @IndyLady , and @j_alexandra

oh snap, I never actually answered the poll question.

I prefer to be the ask-ee, but am often the ask-er.

 

[j_alexandra]

That would certainly explain it for you.

And for me. Words R Us, PnP and me.

I tend to find that I have to pick the closest choice, which may not be all too close. In this case, I picked "both the same" as closest to "it depends".

I generally don't answer polls for this very reason

I'm happy to be invited by someone I want to dance with, but I'd prefer the choice of not inviting someone I don't want to dance with, like the ladies whose "left" puts weight on my right arm, since that's always painful for me.

Prudent. Ouch.

 

[IndyLady]

True, I didn't answer the poll. I tend to only answer multi-choice polls if the choice(s) strongly resonates with me. For some reason, none of them do here. It's a simple question with a complicated answer. "It depends", as has been noted.

 

[Dancer Bob]

Yes, it depends. I disagree with Greybeard. I've just finished a theory-intensive dance camp, identifying the discrepancies that have crept in over the last year, dancing with different partners. I accept being in time with the music as dancing and will accommodate anyone who asks, but especially Quickstep and Viennese waltz, there are lots of "love to dance" and "I'm a wonderful dancer". It's an intellectual challenge but really not much fun to identify what they're doing and decide how to adjust.


I consider anyone who claims they can "teach" someone on the dance floor, to be worth a separate thread. Anyone who'll put up with them, I'm not thrilled about dancing with. Another topic is how common it's become for women to refuse to dance in closed position- with everybody, not just me. A Latin hold is doable, but once you get to a foot apart, it's pretty much impossible.


Someone who wants to practice x, y and z figures is entirely different, A challenge to make sure I'm doing the figures, especially if she's been taught some weird variation.

 

[Tango Distance]

The asker is clearly just making the rounds by asking every lady there to dance…and even though I appreciate his efforts and think what he’s doing is The Right Thing (especially at the social dances I attend, at which men/leaders are in short supply), I don’t want to dance with him simply because it’s my “turn.” I’d rather he skip me & move on to the next lady.

Wow - that puts a whole new perspective on things. After my wife tires of me and goes off to socialize, or goes out elsewhere with girlfriends instead of dancing, I make the rounds and naturally try to ask whoever is sitting out and without a spouse/girlfriend partner. For a few dances I'll definitely ask a favorite partner or two, but otherwise I try to make sure no one is sitting out song after song. It just seems polite. How can I tell if someone feels as you do unless you/they come right out and tell me?

I don't claim expertise! I'm also not a typical person or dancer.

The tango argentino forum has also had ladies say they prefer being asked specifically and not generically as next in line. I had not thought of that and was glad for the enlightenment.

Aside from my dear wife, I prefer to ask someone just once in a night, and give priority to beginners and visitors. I try to jump around the room, so it doesn't look like I'm just going down the line.