The top 5 reasons a woman wants to dance with a specific man

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

constantly readjust his embrace, possibly combined with becoming or feeling tense while dancing (which I often interpret as displeasure since if they are at or above my level it's probably not nerves/fear) and if this increases with mistakes I may make, interact as little as possible during the tanda and can't get away fast enough when it is done, then I tend to presume I was probably the recipient of a "charity" dance of some sort and that it is not that they actually wanted to share a dance (or at least became that way), but they felt they had to for whatever reason unbeknown to me.

I don't think you should automatically take all that on your account. Most of the time it is the situation on the floor that makes leaders tense and uncomfortable, then it could be unfamiliar music, bad night, something he ate beforehand...
If the partner is wiggling too much the way you described I sometimes ask: "Are you OK? Is everything fine?" There might be something that is bothering him indeed, and if there is I can also suggest "Do you want to sit down?" . There is nothing wrong with that, he will see that I care, and perhaps we can try again in the future.

 

[Chris Stratton]

I'm a little surprised that this seems to have gotten stuck on a bit of a charity vs. uncoditionally cheery axis, because in my mind that's a zero-sum game in which no one can win in a more than temporary sense.

I don't think of encouraging what seem to me as nascent good dance habits by providing an opportunity to try them as charity, because its in my own interest that the community of good dancers grows. But I also don't think of enabling or reinforcing by practice what to me are bad dance habits as charity, because I believe they are in the long run harmful to all involved. Of course this is guided by my own opinion of which is which... but then its my time. Someone else is free to do as they see best with theirs.

 

[AndaBien]

Maybe we should clarify what we mean by "charity". I think it's generally thought to be a pejorative term, but is it always? If I dance with a woman who is just learning to dance, and my main reason for asking her is to support her efforts to learn, is that a charity dance? If I ever dance with a woman for any reason other than her ability to dance, is that charity?

 

[little hobo]

So when did "Charity" become a pejorative concept?

 

[fascination]

when humility became an outrage

 

[Captain Jep]

Maybe we should clarify what we mean by "charity". I think it's generally thought to be a pejorative term, but is it always? If I dance with a woman who is just learning to dance, and my main reason for asking her is to support her efforts to learn, is that a charity dance? If I ever dance with a woman for any reason other than her ability to dance, is that charity?

Pejorative? Interesting. Charity is actually one of the Christian virtues. And like many of these virtues, a hard one to perform with a pure heart.

The less experienced the partner the greater the charity. But it is easy to give the charity because you feel you should/you want to make yourself look good etc etc. No. Do it out of the fact that you care. Enjoy that person's company. If you then get pleasure out of the dance, then the reward is still the greater.

 

[Zoopsia59]

I think you've missed the point, or a lot of it anyhow.

Zoo isn't talking about the guys faking it, I don't think. (Zoo, please forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth.) It's more a matter of "being there in the moment" with your partner, and respecting and responding to that partner.

No, of course, I'm not talking about faking it... I'm talking about someone who genuinely sees that they have a greater responsibility to the people they dance with than to their own ego and desires. As I said.. it's all about attitude.... approaching dance with an attitude of "How can I make this wonderful for the other person?" rather than "Will this other person make it wonderful for me?"

In other words... a little less "It's all about ME, ME, ME!!!" and as (Ampster I think?) says "Its all about HER"

 

[AndaBien]

Pejorative? Interesting. Charity is actually one of the Christian virtues. And like many of these virtues, a hard one to perform with a pure heart.

When I hear "charity" used with regard to dancing tango, it often has a different connotation that when used in the Bible. Some of the followers above have indicated they did not want charity.

But that is the question. If I'm doing it for the sake of the other dancer, what difference does my motivation make? There are many reasons to ask someone to dance, and only one of them is the quality of the dance.

 

[j_alexandra]

So when did "Charity" become a pejorative concept?

BTW, welcome to the vocal, opinionated, and lively Dance Forums, Little Hobo!

 

[Zoopsia59]

I
A great leader can make a beginner follower either feel like crap or feel great. He can try to force her through things that she is unable to follow, and get frustrated, and keep on leading stuff which is too difficult. Or, he can lead simple things, which will boost her confidence and give her a great dance and, possibly, give him a good dance too. A leader who smiles, laughs off, and plays with mistakes by a beginning follower will make her feel great despite the mistakes. If he holds it against her...not so much.

Even if he leads simple things, if he does it in a rather bored, not-really-present way, it still makes her feel crappy. Its about being engaged with the person, whoever they are, and worrying less about yourself than about them.

 

[Zoopsia59]

I have found, that part of the ethos of dancing is to think more about the person I am dancing with rather than thinking about myself. As a result, I have found that some of the cynicism that I held before coming into the dance world goes away.

Thank you.

 

[Zoopsia59]

There's a category of dancer that I think of as "temporarily inexperienced collegue"

Good one!

 

[Zoopsia59]

Ah. Bingo. Just what i was trying to say, but said much better than I did.

yeah, better than I did too, and in a fraction of the words...

 

[bastet]

When I hear "charity" used with regard to dancing tango, it often has a different connotation that when used in the Bible. Some of the followers above have indicated they did not want charity.

But that is the question. If I'm doing it for the sake of the other dancer, what difference does my motivation make? There are many reasons to ask someone to dance, and only one of them is the quality of the dance.

I think people are operating within their own meaning of 'charity'. Most of the leads have responded fairly unanimously that 'charity' consists of anytime a person asks for or accepts a dance with someone below their level, regardless of intent.

Whereas, if you go back and read through most followers responses, a dance is not automatically charity if the lead is more experienced than the follow (or vice versa, I imagine), but is based more on how the lead acts towards a follower during a dance that makes it charity.

I think Zoopsia already summed it up nicely and it may seem totally unrelated to the original thread title, but is in fact, totally related to the "makes me feel good about myself" criteria- or at least "doesn't make me feel like $hit while dancing."

 

[Zoopsia59]

A charity dance isn't necessarily from someone vastly superior in dance skills. It could also be someone at or near your level and relates more to the idea that you can tell you are "on sufferance", as it were, by dancing with them..

For sure!
I didn't feel at all like a "charity dance" when a very famous leader asked me to dance at a milonga. But I can tell that some of the leaders in my own community are giving me a "charity dance" because they feel they are above me.