To date or not to date... is it specific to tango?
- Thread starter jfm
- Start date
quixotedlm
Active Member
understandable... i'm going thru something like this... but i'm not sharing anything. all dancing venues are mine - even the ones for dances i don't dance yet. i'll put up with the heartache...
Yep. That's one reason why while I'm looking for a dance partner now, I don't want to date them. I'd rather not, and hopefully I am making this very clear to those involved. I just want to have dance as a me thing. I know that's probably selfish, but I want something for myself. And I don't want to put up with the hassle that comes with that. While it can be a a good thing, I have found that more often it's not. I have seen some break up on really bad terms while others haven't. I'd just rather not deal with all of that personally good or bad.
salsera_alemana
Member
I guess you all are not risk takers and try to stay away from getting burned... I do not blame you, used to be like that, too.
When my husband came up with that "plan" that he wanted to go out with me, he said that I cannot win anything if I don’t risk anything. I met him in the salsa scene and he was not the one I would have picked to have a crush on, hadn't spend a thought on him then (other than dancing with him) but he was determined about me. Also I was reluctant about dating Latinos because of their reputation as womanizers (big risk and I was not a risk taker). I had kind of the same concerns that you all mention here (hurt, reputation in the salsa scene, would see him around after the breakup etc.). He convinced me to take the risk and I am very happy that I did.
When you have a hobby like salsa or tango that emcompasses your whole lifestyle, it is wonderful to have someone with whom to share that. I think with someone not interested in that hobby you would not be able to "live and breathe tango" as you do now because he/she would not understand that. Maybe he/she also would have issues with jealousy. I mean, we live in our “own little tango/salsa world”, don’t we? I am so grateful to have someone with whom I can share my passion.
Yes, dating couples who are also dance partners tend to get into discussions/fights about who is right and who is wrong and whose fault it is, especially at the beginning of the relationship. That can be overcome, as all other relationship problems that might come up along the way.
When my husband came up with that "plan" that he wanted to go out with me, he said that I cannot win anything if I don’t risk anything. I met him in the salsa scene and he was not the one I would have picked to have a crush on, hadn't spend a thought on him then (other than dancing with him) but he was determined about me. Also I was reluctant about dating Latinos because of their reputation as womanizers (big risk and I was not a risk taker). I had kind of the same concerns that you all mention here (hurt, reputation in the salsa scene, would see him around after the breakup etc.). He convinced me to take the risk and I am very happy that I did.
When you have a hobby like salsa or tango that emcompasses your whole lifestyle, it is wonderful to have someone with whom to share that. I think with someone not interested in that hobby you would not be able to "live and breathe tango" as you do now because he/she would not understand that. Maybe he/she also would have issues with jealousy. I mean, we live in our “own little tango/salsa world”, don’t we? I am so grateful to have someone with whom I can share my passion.
Yes, dating couples who are also dance partners tend to get into discussions/fights about who is right and who is wrong and whose fault it is, especially at the beginning of the relationship. That can be overcome, as all other relationship problems that might come up along the way.
The Tango Addict
New Member
It's good to hear a story with a happy ending Salsera!
You're one of the fortunate few to have found a good egg with the same passion for dance.
Eva
You're one of the fortunate few to have found a good egg with the same passion for dance.
Eva
The Tango Addict
New Member
Quote
"Why does breaking up have to be so hard that you would have to split milongas?"
There are a one or two each weeknight and few on the weekends. But it takes time to establish yourself and get acquainted with the people at a milonga. So jumping into a new milongas is not that simple. But no worries I plan to go back to my favoriate milongas next week. Ex or no ex!
Eva
"Why does breaking up have to be so hard that you would have to split milongas?"
There are a one or two each weeknight and few on the weekends. But it takes time to establish yourself and get acquainted with the people at a milonga. So jumping into a new milongas is not that simple. But no worries I plan to go back to my favoriate milongas next week. Ex or no ex!
Eva
DancinAnne
New Member
I met my husband on the dance floor. We had no plan... just an undeniable connection and a very happy ending. A risk well worth taking. But then, I've always been a risk-taker. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I don't plan to change any time soon! I'm having too much fun!
milongadicto
New Member
I recently had my most serious girlfriend so far, and we met through tango. It was great while it lasted, but broke up for reasons unrelated to dancing.
Some general observations: Sometimes when she was dancing with somebody really good I wondered if she thought she'd rather have a better dancing boyfriend. She also sometimes asked if such and such was better than her. We both are relatively confident, but still we're human. And most importantly, we were honest to each other. Sometimes she would tell me how she had not so innocent thoughts about an instructor, and I'd tell her how once I had a crush on an Ukrainian dancer at an out of town milonga. We would just laugh about these "confessions". I think that as long as neither is psychotic possessive and that both are honest and open minded it can definitely work.
Now with the break up...
It was a friendly break up, but still she acted a little awkward about seeing each other at milongas or practicas. It was only last week, so we haven't had the chance to have awkward moments at venues. This is a small college town in the middle of nowhere with a small tango community, so we can't split up milongas. We coincided at one milonga, and I don't think anyone noticed anything weird. Then again, I didn't think anyone had noticed when we started dating, but most women did. I don't really mind the gossip anyway, so whatever. I had a great time at the milonga whether or not she was there, though I didn't get to dance with her, maybe because she sneakily avoided it but also because she left early to attend another social event. But I was outside having a drink when she left, and we said bye normally. I don't know yet, but I really hope dancing with her won't be weird, because even before we dated I liked dancing with her. Then again.... she told me that the first time she considered me as a serious sentimental partner was during a dance that she thought was particularly passionate. So maybe it can feel weird for her. But I hope not....... Updates will follow for those who are interested in the subject.
Because the community is so small, I can't think of anyone else I'd date, and even if there was someone, chances are that my ex knows her. So I think I'm going to start looking outside the tango scene, and will also post updates regarding that, as in comparisons and stuff. I don't think the non-tango gf will be as good...... because the tango gf was freaking awesome. But in any case, if I do get a non-tango gf, I'll try to get her in it. In general, nontango women I know are intrigued when I tell them about my passion and some beg me to teach them, so I don't think it'll be a big problem.
Some general observations: Sometimes when she was dancing with somebody really good I wondered if she thought she'd rather have a better dancing boyfriend. She also sometimes asked if such and such was better than her. We both are relatively confident, but still we're human. And most importantly, we were honest to each other. Sometimes she would tell me how she had not so innocent thoughts about an instructor, and I'd tell her how once I had a crush on an Ukrainian dancer at an out of town milonga. We would just laugh about these "confessions". I think that as long as neither is psychotic possessive and that both are honest and open minded it can definitely work.
Now with the break up...
It was a friendly break up, but still she acted a little awkward about seeing each other at milongas or practicas. It was only last week, so we haven't had the chance to have awkward moments at venues. This is a small college town in the middle of nowhere with a small tango community, so we can't split up milongas. We coincided at one milonga, and I don't think anyone noticed anything weird. Then again, I didn't think anyone had noticed when we started dating, but most women did. I don't really mind the gossip anyway, so whatever. I had a great time at the milonga whether or not she was there, though I didn't get to dance with her, maybe because she sneakily avoided it but also because she left early to attend another social event. But I was outside having a drink when she left, and we said bye normally. I don't know yet, but I really hope dancing with her won't be weird, because even before we dated I liked dancing with her. Then again.... she told me that the first time she considered me as a serious sentimental partner was during a dance that she thought was particularly passionate. So maybe it can feel weird for her. But I hope not....... Updates will follow for those who are interested in the subject.
Because the community is so small, I can't think of anyone else I'd date, and even if there was someone, chances are that my ex knows her. So I think I'm going to start looking outside the tango scene, and will also post updates regarding that, as in comparisons and stuff. I don't think the non-tango gf will be as good...... because the tango gf was freaking awesome. But in any case, if I do get a non-tango gf, I'll try to get her in it. In general, nontango women I know are intrigued when I tell them about my passion and some beg me to teach them, so I don't think it'll be a big problem.
Having a non-tango bf causes problems. I just don't get to dance as much tango as I otherwise would because relationships are time-consuming. Sometimes I feel a bit resentful that my bf consumes time that might have better been spent dancing. Other times I think about the poor salseros "married to the dance", as someone said earlier, and feel glad that I'm not (at the moment) enslaved to that mindset.
There's a faint chance that the bf might wish to take a few tango lessons - I ought to encourage this, but am a bit worried about the hours of coaching I might have to put in, and the problems a big disparity of experience might cause. However, deciding what to do on a Saturday evening would become simpler.
The bf is intrigued and generally supportive but has no real idea of what dancing represents in my life, and in the lives of fellow-obsessives. That shared awareness is taken for granted amongst dancers but leaves me with the feeling that he only knows half of me.
wonderwoman
Well-Known Member
The question is, would a non-AT dancer be okay with his girlfriend dancing it with other guys?
mkjohnson
Member
Non-AT - SO's:
My husband refuses to dance to anything - and especially does not care for tango music. (He listens to jazz and heavy metal. That's it.) Yet he has been incredibly supportive of my learning AT and going dancing at milongas. For the first few months I was dancing 15-22 hours a week, so I was out of the house many evenings. That got to be difficult because we were never seeing each other, so I scaled back to 3 nights a week (9-12 hrs of dancing a week). Part of his supportiveness comes from knowing that this has helped my health tremendously. I'm very lucky to have his encouragement - I may never have started if I didn't have that. It also helps that he doesn't automatically equate passion for the dance and the community, with something sexual.
As far as relationships I've seen at the milonga - when things go south, some couples do really well at maintaining friendships and routines - other couples get personal, and it gets ugly. It's a risk. I'm not sure it's something you can predict easily.
Heather2007
New Member
It can but it shouldn't. In just the same way living with a, say, male flatmate. You share all spaces (but the bed of course) - you sit and watch TV together, cook together, go out for a drink/dinner together, share the same sense of humour etc...when you do get together...you sit and listen to each other's day over coffee or cream. So no, it shouldn't be a hassle if complete and total understanding, patience and a huge willingness to hear (if not share) of the other's interest(s) comes into play. And...that my dear...is what true soulmateship is all about - being with a true "friend" and taking the relationship to the "next stage" should not be any different to that which you do with the hypothetical flatmate above :ladiesma:
Heather2007
New Member
I guess similar question can be put to an actor whose role requires them to be naked and in the throes of graphic intimacy. And so...
