Tolerating bad manners?

[africana]

So what do you do when someone you hang out with or talk to shows certain bad manners? What if you find some action disrecpectful, do you say something about it to them or sort of let it slide, take it easy, until it "blows up" one day?
Maybe it depends on how important that person is in your life?

I'm still slightly steaming from finally blowing up at something this ''friend' has done repeatedly!! I'm madder because he said I should just chill about that stuff, be more laid back. ugh!
It's basically some actions that I consider social gaffes, open showing of disrespect, and I finally reached a boilig point!
I think I'm too old for my times, expect too much in terms of decent conduct and intergrity from people

but they call that "uptight" these days...so I end up "firing" a lot of people I could consider friends bcos of bad manners or acts of disrespect

Is that harsh?? to me being "laid back" requires a certain amount of insincerity and distance, i.e. no close honest friendships

Now I wondering cos this sort of this has occured before (with male friends) and wonder if it's a pattern since i rarely open up to allow this sort of up close disrespect. Are you supposed to tolerate inconsiderate acts from "friends"??
they say familiarity breeds contempt, so perhaps it's best to refrain from it

 

[AzureDreamer]

Maybe it depends on how important that person is in your life?

oh, absolutely.

The more important the person is, the less you should put up with. I think for a healthy relationship both of you have to be ready to walk away if the other person doesn't treat you right. but if they matter to me, if I didn't like the way (whatever they did) made me feel... I am going to let them know. and if they don't change, I would walk away.

(but I'd always go TO somewhere else... like if a girl said something that made you look bad in front of her friends... I'd just blow them off right there, and if they ask where I was going (which they probably will when you say, "alright, I'm out of here"), you can tell them the truth... you are going out to a different club. If she has a problem with me going off, she can apologize and come with me right then, leaving her friends... or she can stay with her friends. but I'm not staying, nor are we moving going anywhere as a group.)

 

[Shooshoo]

but if they matter to me, if I didn't like the way (whatever they did) made me feel... I am going to let them know. and if they don't change, I would walk away.

That's true, but I think we also develop different types of relationships/friendships.
Like I have friends I could tolerate if I see them once a month (or even more) or for a short period of time, but I know more than that I could not. I like something in them or we've become friends due to a set-up, etc.
Other friends I could see more often, do things together like travel and then you have to deal with them more.
So I don't see it as black or white.
But if there's an issue which you don't like, they (friends) should respect that. People are different, so if they like you and you don't like something they do or say (feel it's disrespectful), they should consider what you want. If they don't want to or think you're just too uptight, then maybe you just change the 'type' of friendship. They make have different views. Doesn't eman it's bad, but different. And the same should apply the other way round.

 

[africana]

oh, absolutely.

The more important the person is, the less you should put up with. I think for a healthy relationship both of you have to be ready to walk away if the other person doesn't treat you right. but if they matter to me, if I didn't like the way (whatever they did) made me feel... I am going to let them know. and if they don't change, I would walk away.

(but I'd always go TO somewhere else... like if a girl said something that made you look bad in front of her friends... I'd just blow them off right there, and if they ask where I was going (which they probably will when you say, "alright, I'm out of here"), you can tell them the truth... you are going out to a different club. If she has a problem with me going off, she can apologize and come with me right then, leaving her friends... or she can stay with her friends. but I'm not staying, nor are we moving going anywhere as a group.)

lol we are too much alike, I did leave the club (early) got in my car and promptly deleted his digits from my cell as I drove home

I tend to cut people off like this if the do something like this guy, not completely harmful but disrespectful with the addded bonus of scolding me for being mad about it
just wonder if I'm supposed to be more patient with friends cos I'm really not so patient <sigh> maybe I expect too much!!

 

[africana]

But if there's an issue which you don't like, they (friends) should respect that. People are different, so if they like you and you don't like something they do or say (feel it's disrespectful), they should consider what you want. If they don't want to or think you're just too uptight, then maybe you just change the 'type' of friendship. They make have different views. Doesn't eman it's bad, but different. And the same should apply the other way round.

ok good points, I'll accept that I'm possibly putting too much of my own values on others

 

[Sabor]

since it always takes 'two to tango' why not check in with a few psychiatrists (to get more than one opinion) .. see if its u with issues or not..

if u get detained .. i'll send u flowers lol

 

[Shooshoo]

ok good points, I'll accept that I'm possibly putting too much of my own values on others

You can't change the way people think, but you can force other people to treat you in a certain way.

I've been accused of being uptight, especially when I was younger, but I've grown to change that a bit.

I think it's probably because you're Nigerian living in the US, so you're one of those people 'stuck in the middle' between different cultures. I'm one of these, some of my friends think I'm uptight and others think I'm too free and open-minded. So you just have to set your own culture and values .

 

[Shooshoo]

since it always takes 'two to tango' why not check in with a few psychiatrists (to get more than one opinion) .. see if its u with issues or not..

if u get detained .. i'll send u flowers lol

I'm not putting myself into this discussion this time ....was going to get myself into trouble last time.

 

[Sabor]

trouble..?? why? i thought it was an objective idea.. who better than a professional(s) to give u fair assesment or unbiased views..?

 

[AzureDreamer]

lol we are too much alike, I did leave the club (early) got in my car and promptly deleted his digits from my cell as I drove home

Don't go home! Seriously, go somewhere else. Getting your own mindset right is as important as changing his. Go out and have a good time (especially if you really don't want to!) Besides... going home and feeling bad about yourself isn't going to worry anyone. You having a better time elsewhere will. The goal should be to change his behavior.

Having a girl get all uptight and storm off with a "I have a headache, I am going home" isn't even going to register. Having your girlfriend decide to go out to a different club, and go without you... that will register. His friends won't be sniggering about "the ice queen" and "that time of month", they'll be thinking "omg, you are a USELESS twat."

 

[RIdancer82]

Don't go home! Seriously, go somewhere else. Getting your own mindset right is as important as changing his. Go out and have a good time (especially if you really don't want to!) Besides... going home and feeling bad about yourself isn't going to worry anyone. You having a better time elsewhere will. The goal should be to change his behavior.

Having a girl get all uptight and storm off with a "I have a headache, I am going home" isn't even going to register. Having your girlfriend decide to go out to a different club, and go without you... that will register. His friends won't be sniggering about "the ice queen" and "that time of month", they'll be thinking "omg, you are a USELESS twat."

well, actually you can go home, you don't have to go somewhere else if you're not in the mood. Just let him think that you're going elsewhere. If he's acting like that, you certainly don't want him thinking that he has that much control over you.

 

[RIdancer82]

trouble..?? why? i thought it was an objective idea.. who better than a professional(s) to give u fair assesment or unbiased views..?

I'd agree with this..... that's what they're there for. Besides, not only are their views unbiased since they don't know either of you, they are also very familiar with these types of issues, so they would actually be the most knowledgable in their advice for you and assessment of things.

 

[cornutt]

ok good points, I'll accept that I'm possibly putting too much of my own values on others

I disagree. Look at it from the opposite perspective: if you just tolerate their bad behavior, then they are imposing their values on you. Now, we don't need to go around wearing our beliefs on our sleeves, but a lot of people these days seem to use "tolerance" as just a way to rationalize their own bad behavior -- they demand that people tolerate them, but they aren't willing to show tolerance to people who disagree with them.

 

[Sagitta]

since it always takes 'two to tango' why not check in with a few psychiatrists (to get more than one opinion) .. see if its u with issues or not..

if u get detained .. i'll send u flowers lol

:roll::lol:

 

[Sagitta]

Sometimes it is a matter of cultural perspectives. Having grown up outside US I used to get taken back sometimes at the differences...