what does it mean dancing four tandas with the same leader?I how many tandas one can dance with the same partner at a milonga?

[Tangogal]

Edit: it was not four consecutive tandas. My question is about the number (is this some unknown /obscure/local rule?) , since it was the first time I heard about such a thing.

No idea about a special FOUR tanda rule. Can you tell us where the festival was? Was it maybe something like a four day festival and you could only dance together that one evening? Hence cramming in all the tandas in one night?

EDIT: was it somewhere with a speedy 3 dance tanda or was it 5 dance tandas?

 

[ardix]

No idea about a special FOUR tanda rule. Can you tell us where the festival was? Was it maybe something like a four day festival and you could only dance together that one evening? Hence cramming in all the tandas in one night?

EDIT: was it somewhere with a speedy 3 dance tanda or was it 5 dance tandas?

@Tangogal The Festival was in Malmö/Sweden, 3 days, nome of us is from Malmö but he was not from Sweden. Due to circumstances, the only evening/milonga we could both attend was the last one. 4 dance tandas.

 

[Tangogal]

@Tangogal The Festival was in Malmö/Sweden, 3 days, nome of us is from Malmö but he was not from Sweden. Due to circumstances, the only evening/milonga we could both attend was the last one. 4 dance tandas.

I’m not familiar with the tango scene in Malmö so don’t know of any local rules. I would expect not many based on the Swedes I’ve met in other dances.

However, I still think 16 dances with the same non-romantic partner is a lot! Generally the more dances in a tanda the less likely repeats are! What could I possibly offer in the 8th or 12th dance that wasn’t in the first 4? In places with 5 dance tandas people don’t even invite strangers until the 3rd dance.

 

[ardix]

I’m not familiar with the tango scene in Malmö so don’t know of any local rules. I would expect not many based on the Swedes I’ve met in other dances.

However, I still think 16 dances with the same non-romantic partner is a lot! Generally the more dances in a tanda the less likely repeats are! What could I possibly offer in the 8th or 12th dance that wasn’t in the first 4? In places with 5 dance tandas people don’t even invite strangers until the 3rd dance.

@Tangpgirl as I mentioned in my original message, we knew each from before and we have planned to attend this event so that we could dance with each before parting our ways. We have also made it clear prior to attending that it was only dancing. I only was surprised by him coming up with this number of 4 tandas as being some kind of rule. Although he is from Europe, he has been dancing in BAires and I thought it was something he might have picked up there. That's why my question in this forum.

 

[Rabbit]

However, I still think 16 dances with the same non-romantic partner is a lot! Generally the more dances in a tanda the less likely repeats are! What could I possibly offer in the 8th or 12th dance that wasn’t in the first 4?

With the right partner and good music, I can dance multiple tandas and we will still both want more.

If it's consecutive then, in a traditional milonga setting, it might be noticed so others could think this is a couple, or they have some other mutual interest. Note the could and can : it's possible, but do you care, does it matter? In a small world, maybe, maybe not. Maybe it just restricts further invites.

Also, what other people think about whom I dance with and how much is firmly in the Someone Else's Problem zone

 

[gyb]

I only was surprised by him coming up with this number of 4 tandas as being some kind of rule. Although he is from Europe, he has been dancing in BAires and I thought it was something he might have picked up there. That's why my question in this forum.

In answer to the original question: he didn't make this up, back in the days I myself have read multiple sources reporting a "maximum three non-consecutive tandas per milonga with non-romantic partners" rule of thumb. As a result I have practiced this rule for over 14 years, which included both periods of being single and being in relationships. (Note IF this were indeed a semi-recognized rule of thumb among those who followed tango traditions in your locale, respect both towards your romantic and towards your non-romantic partner would require them to not to create the appearance that you and your dance partner are smitten. But this IF is probably not the case for most locales today..)

Regarless of rules of thumbs, if what you are dancing is real tango, something strong does happen there, and it stands to reason that if a tango with a person is so good that you would want to immerse yourself into that embrace for over a half hour, then that same goodness may also lead to something else beyond the dancefloor, or at least it would be a reasonable inference of onlookers that it would happen. (At least in my case, every single time I danced 4 tandas in a night with someone did lead to an affair afterwards. Although I'd emphasize that this happened to me rarely for the above-mentioned reasons, and so when 4 tandas happened it was already implicitly clear for both of us why it did.)

Of course none of this should be understood as a precontext into bullying anyone to do something that he/she doesn't want to do.

 

[TTanguero]

at least it would be a reasonable inference of onlookers that it would happen

Outside of BsAs, if two people dance four tandas together, it would be a reasonable inference that they want to dance four tandas together.

 

[Brummbaer]

Also, what other people think about whom I dance with and how much is firmly in the Someone Else's Problem zone

Except, by inviting comments, we're the Somebody Else.

It's not a problem - except it seems a bit weird to make a '4 tanda' suggestion(?). It's not a 'rule'. Maybe 4 tangos in a tanda? But this is a Festival, so guess there's some experience. Maybe just some confusion? Or maybe he just wanted to dance with you?

Does anyone care at a festival? Probably no one noticed, and if they did, so what?

Did you have a good time and enjoy the dancing? That's more important.

 

[Naddrin Kentlar]

I've never heard of some rule that would create implications based on the number of tandas danced.
"Because this is the 4th tanda in a row it's implied I'm into you, and because you accept, it's implied you agree" - and honestly this would be a shitty rule that someone without the balls to ask an woman out would make.

If you dance as much as you want with a preferred partner, and both partners agree, then it's a matter of what others think.

Personally I try to not really care what others might think or say about me. It's a matter between me and my SO on what we've previously agreed on: "just because we're both gamers it doesn't mean we have to prefer the same games, it's a hobby we have in common"

On the other hand I understand that it can be seen from the outside as romantic interest.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

Edit: it was not four consecutive tandas. My question is about the number (is this some unknown /obscure/local rule?) , since it was the first time I heard about such a thing.

Oh, well, the saying from down south applies even if they're not consecutive. If they are, that would be exponentially more consequential.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

Random tandas through a long evening: who notices?

Ehhh, people notice. Most definitely. Question is, do you care if they notice.

 

[JournalInTime]

Ehhh, people notice. Most definitely. Question is, do you care if they notice.

The real question for me: Do I care about what the kind of people who'd notice would think? Answer: Not really.

I've spent enough of my life with no hair, technicolor hair, being a known anarchist, being a known Communist, being a willing participant in burlesque shows, entering belly dance contests, and so on and so on that the likelihood of me caring about someone's opinion about how many times I dance with the same partner is nil.

 

[gyb]

Notice how it's all men in this thread who proudly boast they do not care about onlookers' opinion?

It would be nice to live in a society where promiscuous behavior of men and women are judged similarly, but we do not live in such society (and given that the differential judgement is likely rooted in the real informational asymmetry about fatherhood, which will not disappear, the differential judgement will also likely stay with us). A perception of sleeping around a lot will render a woman, in the eyes of a majority of men (including a majority of men with otherwise liberal attitudes), less desirable as a potential romantic partner. Tango is a close-knit community, basically with the moral behavior of a village (gossips, rolled eyes etc), not to mention that a portion of its dancers are motivated, to some extent, by tango's capacity to invoke traditional gender roles. Finally, when two people dance together a lot, people notice, and will make assumptions. These are all social facts.

My point above was about respect for and being considerate about your partners: a gentleman does not expose his non-life partners to the potential of negative gossip. There are enough people to dance with in a milonga; mingle and make more people happy. If you have romantic interests, or if not but the dancing is so good that you need to immerse yourself into it for a longer period of time, make an appointment outside of the milonga, away from the judging eyes of onlookers.

 

[ardix]

My point above was about respect for and being considerate about your partners: a gentleman does not expose his non-life partners to the potential of negative gossip. There are enough people to dance with in a milonga; mingle and make more people happy. If you have romantic interests, or if not but the dancing is so good that you need to immerse yourself into it for a longer period of time, make an appointment outside of the milonga, away from the judging eyes of onlookers.

@gyb While I generally agree with you I would like to point out that this is not a decision only one of the partners/the leader is responsible for taking. The leader may propose but the follower is responsible for making her (or his) own decision and assuming it. The consideration has to be mutual.

 

[gyb]

@gyb While I generally agree with you I would like to point out that this is not a decision only one of the partners/the leader is responsible for taking. The leader may propose but the follower is responsible for making her (or his) own decision and assuming it. The consideration has to be mutual.

Agreed. And of course I don't think men should make choices which are their partner's free choice to make. However, in an environment with the gender, skill, and ego imbalance that is typical of tango, freedom of choice becomes a bit more tricky. A women who turns down an offer to dance the Nth tanda together with a popular leader may risk future dances, and thus she may choose to accept to continue even if she wouldn't really want to do so. For the same reason her discomfort may not be communicated to the man. In other words, as a man I may not be in the position to know* that if I made the offer to continue, the answer would genuinely reflect the true intention of my partner. Why would we want to get into such a situation?
This is also where such societal rules of thumbs, like not dancing consecutive tandas, can come in handy: for the women because they have something external to their portrayed desires to reference in justifying their refusal ("I would of course love to dance more, but ..."), and for the men to not get into a position where they would unwittingly compel someone to do something against their will.

* of course all of this is more complex, and the case is different for people who know each other for long, for events where dancing multiple tandas in a row is the norm etc.