Would you be Offended by This?

[madmaximus]

TangoKing,

Here's a different perspective.

I can only feel disrespect, if I allow myself to feel it--and if the person is worth it in the first place.

As it stands, my personal harmony would be more important than the lie that has been proffered my way.

Recognize her for who she is.

Realize how you truly stand in her life, and put her in the appropriate bracket in your own, now that you know who she really is.

I would be disappointed at MY losing some (if not all) respect for her, and sorry that she can't even begin to see that.

If the lessons are worthwhile, then I would still continue lessons, but with a better understanding of where I stand.

It is her loss that she lost your respect for her, do not make it your loss.






m

 

[fascination]

on that point, I concur that it is never a bad thing to know where ones truly stands with one's proeven when it is diappointing, it makes for a much healthier scenario...

I also wouldn't make any decisions until whatever emotions this evoked have mellowed...but than you make them, as was stated, with this new information in mind...

I think there are many students who presume a level of devotion/loyalty/whatever... which may of may not be there and which may or may not be appropriate...moments of clarity like this are opportunities to re-align/ re-assess...but hopefully not out of the initial hurt

 

[jerseydancer]

good points. i think, we all try to treat people the way we want to be treated, so it is natural to expect people to treat us the way we treat them, even these expectations are not always work both ways. i consider my teachers and my partner as a part of one team that has common goals. i agree, it is a healthy choice to validate these expectations, and we did. other teacher and student team may not be the same way

 

[JANATHOME]

Yes, would not be happy with this situation.

Myself, I would not have any further conversation with the instructor. My guess is that the instructor is uncomfortable with the situation already, knew she/he blew it and made a bad judgement call. I think that by you ending up at the studio and the lie exposed is enough of a lesson for the instuctor to pause and rethink how to handle it in the future... Mistakes in judgement happen to all of us, at both ends.

This did happen to me once... About a half hour into a 2 hour drive pro called to cancel... However pro explained that she overbooked and so just turned the car around and it was not an upsetting event... I recall the pro offered a free lesson and feeling bad for her that she felt she had to offer this to us. Things happen and as displayed in my experience, honesty really is the best policy.

In regards to special treatment, there is no such thing... Shoot, I take 4 lessons a week, drop quite a bit on comps and I dont expect to be treated differently because I take X amount of lessons. A lesson is a lesson, be it my money or a wedding couples money... LOL, I am quite sure the pro does not put more value in my money than the money he earns from causal lesson. A lesson is a lesson and money is money... End of story

Still, so sorry you had to experience this.

 

[tanya_the_dancer]

I would be offended, not by the last-minute cancellation, but by the lack of honesty. But I wouldn't ask for a free lesson or anything... since, for me at least, if I didn't actually pay for a lesson, I shouldn't expect a lesson.

Then again, me and my pro are very easygoing. I don't get upset if he cancels at the last minute if he's too tired or needs practice/family time, and in return he doesn't get upset if I accidentally overslept my lesson slot ... with the caveat that those isolated incidents fall under the "sh*t happens" category, and it's not that we are constantly and intentionally disrespectful of each other's schedules. No free lessons and no charges either direction.

I'm easygoing, too. I've been with my pro for over 6 years, we've had situations when someone had to cancel on a short notice. And especially, since we are 2 hours away from each other, we have an understanding that if the weather is too bad to drive, we cancel. That usually happens several times during a normal winter (not like this past winter).

 

[GGinrhinestones]

I would be pretty seriously put about it. If it were an isolated incident, I don't know that I would consider it a firing offense, but my dance instructor gets an exceptional (for me, at least) amount of trust from me. I don't see how something like that could help but errode that.

I'm actually glad someone else brought this up. This sums up exactly my response to his particular situation. In the end, the issue here as I see it has nothing to do with cancelling the lesson - things happen. The entire scenario points to a general unreliability on the part of the OP's instructor that erodes trust - and how can we, as students, open ourselves up to the vulnerability and emotional risk dancing requires when we cannot trust our "partner"? Pros are people, I get that, and people make mistakes. But compounding the mistake by not taking responsibility for it and making further excuses further erodes the trust.

It's a tough situation, but it's like any other relationship in life. Where you can communicate and are both sincere in working together, things work. Where you can't, or when only one person sees that there is a problem...the relationship is pretty much over.

 

[fascination]

I guess I see your point but find it to be more nuanced than that...at least for me

yes, I need to be able to trust my pro on the dance floor...yes, I need to like him enough to interact with authenticity there...yes, I need to be able to trust that he will be financially fair and professional...but I don't need to trust him across the board or like everything about him...what is key is that I have to be able to communicate with him and know whether or not we are on the same page...I feel fortunate that we have those things ...but I don't need more than that

 

[tsb]

at the very least, the actions of the instructor were unprofessional. for someone like me, even with a sincere apology and truthful explanation of what happened, it might still take time for trust to be regained. my personal feelings for the instructor would be a large factor in deciding whether to give them a chance to regain my trust or to look for a new instructor.

if i did elect to part company, i wouldn't necessarily start broadcasting what transpired, but if anyone who asked for my opinion concerning that teacher i would not hesitate to recount what transpired, especially if they did not provide an apology & explanation i could accept.

 

[dancingirldancing]

Or you can look at it as the instructor does not want to hurt your feeling hence the white lie and further stupid white lies.

I have been in the similar situation where I said something wrong by mistake (not intentional) I was just too stress at that time and didn't even realise what came out of my mounth. However I was too embarassed and in the confusion and embarassment I tell another white lie to cover up for the 1st one. Then I felt double bad since the person got really upset at me.

I know it is stupid but in a panic to cover up for the first lie she probably got really confuse and already super embarassed and just try to cover up for it.

I call it human. She meant no malice.

 

[tangoking]

So, I've cooled off a bit--because frankly I was rippin' p***** when I first made this post.

And after reading everyone's comments, I've decided to ask her what happened the next time I see her--probably at some point this weekend.

The question is, "You texted me 1/2 hour before our scheduled lesson stating that you were so sick that you could not teach. How is it that you still practiced for two hours with your partner that night?"

I'll keep you all in the loop

 

[toothlesstiger]

Hmmm. What do you hope to accomplish through such a confrontation, other than making yourself feel better?

 

[Gorme]

I don't think that is the best way to follow up on it. It makes you sound spiteful. I wouldn't ask at all.

 

[Casayoto]

It may not be the most useful way to handle it...but if it's still bothering you it's probably the only way to handle it. If you don't ask, and stay upset about it, that will affect you in all of your interactions with them. At the very least, it gives them a chance to apologize for it.

If you stay upset about the situation, you probably only have two choices. Dump them, or talk about the problem.

 

[Angel HI]

So, I've cooled off a bit--because frankly I was rippin' p***** when I first made this post.

The question is, "You texted me 1/2 hour before our scheduled lesson stating that you were so sick that you could not teach. How is it that you still practiced for two hours with your partner that night?"

OK, it might be time for my other job. Saying this to her will sound as if you are still rippin' p*****. Not to be biased, but remember my first post?

She made it look as though she wanted to practice and lied to you to make that possible. Now, I'm not saying don't forgive her; that's based on many things privvy to only you and she. However, if my student cancels too late, I charge them (save for mitigating circumstances). And, if I cancel too late, which I have done many times, I charge mtself, and credit an hour to the student.

I suggest that she knew that she was compromised, and knows that she was in the wrong. Putting her on the defensive does nothing for your relationship. Say to her that you had gone to great lengths, and were almost there when she called. Then ask her since she has a cancellation policy that would charge you for a late cancellation, 'would she be willing to credit you an hour for her late cancellation.

 

[Lyra]

Agreed. Say that you were seriously inconvenienced by the late cancellation, ask about cancellation policies if you don't already know, and if there is a cancellation policy e.g. you pay if you cancel late - say that you think it's only fair if it works both ways. Go into it with the aim of getting a free lesson. I'd keep it cool and straightforward and businesslike. Don't let it get too personal. Frankly, if you ask the question you've planned, I don't see how she can give you an answer that will satisfy you and you will probably put the relationship in a place it can't get back from.

Unless, of course, you've already decided to stop taking lessons with her,then, there's even less to be gained from a confrontation. I wouldn't even bother to see her again if that were the case.