Cabeceo and Other "Rules"

[Tango Newbie]

I love the way the Americans are all "the gentlemanly thing to do is to acknowledge the man before dancing with the woman...."

And as an American, I take that as a compliment! Hopefully most American men conduct themselves like gentlemen.

As some here know, I served in the Marine Corps, and while I never made it to Australia on any overseas deployments, a couple of my buddies did. They told me stories of Australian women waiting at the docks when the US Navy ships pulled into port and would have a good time on 'liberty' (leave) with those 'welcoming' Australian ladies. The common complaint from these ladies was that Australian men drink too much which made them rude and obnoxious more often than they cared, and how they enjoyed the Americans when they visited, to the point they'd even take some of them home for a good home-cooked meal.

I also used the word "wife" as a general term as most of the couples in tango are either married or as good as married.

This is true in my local studio, including me and my SO. While we're not technically "married" we conduct ourselves as such. And according to her, others in our community think we are, especially since she wears a ring on her finger.

I will say, there are a select few (leaders and followers) who show up around the same time as each other, but it's not blatantly obvious they're actually a 'couple' (other than dancing with each other most of the time).

 

[jantango]

I joined a couple at the milonga Nuevo Chique two months ago. Both of them danced with others. When the Pugliese began, a woman from the other side of the room approached the table and verbally invited my friend to dance with her. In all my years in Buenos Aires, I had never witnessed such a bold move by a woman.

This action confirmed she isn't a good dancer and has no respect for the codes. She came to the table as if she was a newcomer with no knowledge of the music. Partners are carefully chosen for a Pugliese tanda.

My friend is a gentleman. He suffered in silence. He confirmed that she isn't a good dancer.

 

[Cabbit]

I would have refused. Sometimes it is better to sit out a tanda well than to dance it halfheartedly.

And not directly related to tango, but i believe one can be a gentleman/ lady/ nice/ civilized/ polite while still maintaining some good personal boundaries.

 

[TTanguero]

Yes, I learned that lesson rather early on! "Sorry, I only accept invitations by cabeceo"

 

[Brummbaer]

In all my years in Buenos Aires, I had never witnessed such a bold move by a woman.

She came to the table as if she was a newcomer with no knowledge of the music.

Customs evolve. A 'tourist' with no knowledge of the local customs?

If the person was a tourist/visitor then, rather than accepting, I'd have thought it better to politely explain the customs followed there if they were so obviously unknown - and demonstrated how it should work. Or does that break a rule of giving instruction at a milonga?

 

[Rabbit]

Yes, I learned that lesson rather early on! "Sorry, I only accept invitations by cabeceo"

I find it hard to do, at least for the first invitation. It doesn't happen THAT often. I'll decline a second invitation though.

 

[Tango Newbie]

When the Pugliese began, a woman from the other side of the room approached the table and verbally invited my friend to dance with her. In all my years in Buenos Aires, I had never witnessed such a bold move by a woman.

This harkens back to the situation I wrote about in an earlier post when my GF and I arrived at the New Years milonga hosted at our 'home' studio. While were seating ourselves I had to quickly run outside and drop some possessions off in our car when a visiting leader, who is experienced and should know he should at least cabeceo at another studio outside his tango community, sat down next to her and verbally asked her to dance, even before we had a chance to dance our first tanda together (and the first one of the New Year). Yes, I'm sentimental that way, and since we're in this 'journey' together, I want to share in the good memories, and don't want any awkward moments.

We arrived as a couple and I'm sure he saw us, yet he jumped in and cornered her while I was away, without using any sort of cabeceo. And the other disappointing thing was the songs of that tanda were refreshing Tango Nuevo songs, something I like.

Nevertheless, let's just say I wasn't too happy with my GF for putting up with this since she should have known better (and refused), and even more unhappy with a leader for doing such a thing.

Needless to say, my GF and I sorted that out like mature adults, and she agreed it wasn't a 'cool thing' to do.

 

[TTanguero]

I find it hard to do, at least for the first invitation.

It is hard, especially when it comes out of the blue. Same thing with a 'stolen cabeceo' – the first time it happened (clearly deliberately), I was so taken aback I just danced with her instead. The second time (accidental, I'm sure) I did the same. But after that I steeled myself!

 

[Brummbaer]

It is hard, especially when it comes out of the blue.

But surely that depends on the style of milonga you attend, or maybe you don't attend those which don't bother, or care, about cabeceo? Or maybe, without cabeceo, it's not a milonga, just people dancing something akin to AT?

If I go to the tango room 'milonga' at the jive event, it's mainly people who do jive, blues or swing. Cabeceo/mirada is unknown to this group. If I go to some 'refined' milonga, then it is cabeceo/mirada. Sometimes it's in-between. Sometimes there's a cross-over and there's some swing or ballroom dancers who want to learn more.

I sympathize with the points made about BsAs where it's part of the cultural heritage and some brash and ignorant tourist turns up, but if the 'rules' aren't known, aren't promoted and the environment isn't conducive, then how are you going to know? And how's that going to enhance participation?

 

[TTanguero]

But surely that depends on the style of milonga you attend, or maybe you don't attend those which don't bother, or care, about cabeceo?

Sure. I occasionally go to a milonga where verbal invitations are the norm, but generally in London milongas cabeceo is used except between friends (though personally I use it even with friends).

 

[Cabbit]

The idea might be that you show up on a milonga 'ready' and with your homework done. If you dont care whough about the activity to find out about its most obvious customs, people can assume you dont care enough to commit yourself to learning how to walk either. And from there, they can make their own judgements.

 

[Rabbit]

It is hard, especially when it comes out of the blue. Same thing with a 'stolen cabeceo' – the first time it happened (clearly deliberately), I was so taken aback I just danced with her instead. The second time (accidental, I'm sure) I did the same. But after that I steeled myself!

I think the cabeceo hijacking attempts are a lot easier to deal with - I already agreed to dance with someone else and it would be rude to them

 

[LadyLeader]

I think the cabeceo hijacking attempts are a lot easier to deal with - I already agreed to dance with someone else and it would be rude to them

Things happen! The most unusual was when she stretched out her arm with a trembling fan cutting my cabeceo to another lady! But she didn't know me! I bended down catching up the first cabeceo and continued on that path. . . . . .

 

[Rabbit]

The idea might be that you show up on a milonga 'ready' and with your homework done. If you dont care whough about the activity to find out about its most obvious customs, people can assume you dont care enough to commit yourself to learning how to walk either. And from there, they can make their own judgements.

There are a few people who are actually philosophically opposed to the whole idea of inviting by cabeceo

There are somewhat more people who just ignore cabeceo because the targets of their attention are usually not interested in them

I try to tell people not to feel guilty about rejecting that second group but I'm not so good at practicing it myself

 

[Brummbaer]

The idea might be that you show up on a milonga 'ready' and with your homework done. If you dont care whough about the activity to find out about its most obvious customs, people can assume you dont care enough to commit yourself to learning how to walk either. And from there, they can make their own judgements.

Whilst there's an element of truth in this, it doesn't exactly promote AT and learning. I can't excuse behaviour in BsAs where the customs are/should be known, or the tourist might find out prior to visiting (but sometimes are missed).

Sure, you can make a judgement that such a 'milonga' isn't for you and doesn't even deserve that name, but it's limiting and doesn't encourage a future for AT. The underlying issue is making, and teaching, these inconsistent, unpublished, codigos part of teaching AT, such that it becomes more than just another dance. It was, but that era is passing, or passed, in some locales. Given that they're sometimes ignored, teaching hasn't done well. And then, of course, we get to the issue of 'going to first milonga' with limited education in the accepted etiquette, to find that a different etiquette applies.

I guess it wouldn't do well to encourage a newcomer by snubbing their approach to get a dance.