Cliqueyness in tango :(

Heather2007 said:
Ha, ha, ha. Want to be my co-partner on these little seminars I'm going to run entitled "Learn How To Be Arrogant With Panache". Pots of wonga in it:p
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Absolutley; being Congruent is the new black.

And I'm going to start a new clique and your all invited to apply for membership

but guess what? I'm going to turn you all down, cept Heather

a Nelson "Hah hah" ;)
 
Consuela said:
While reading a book may appear abit too antisocial at a milonga, other more social pastimes can provide a conversation starter and warm people up, not to mention help you to relax. If you like to draw, take a small sketchbook along to milongas (dancers make great subjects) and quietly and unobtrusively scribble away. Knitting or tarot cards can be fun and often garner interest from unexpected quarters! One friend of mine does reiki for dancers who are abit sore. I read tarot cards, and in doing so I have gotten to know quite a few really cool people at tango. If all else fails, take your phone out of your bag and text a non-tango friend for abit of light relief.
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Actually, I wouldn't recommend anything that sorta separates you, distances you or sets you apart. It might make things worse if they are already thinking that you believe yourself too good for them.

I was painfully dreadfully shy as a kid.. practically dysfunctional. I had no friends at the private school I was attending, so I begged my parents to let me go to public school where I might meet some new friends. They did, and the kids at the public school ASSUMED I would be a snob because I came from the private school. The fact that I was too shy to approach anyone convinced them that I was a snob and they snubbed me so badly I went back to the private school.

I suggest that you try to make inroads by volunteering to help out at the milongas, involving yourself and participating MORE. Work the door, set up food & beverage tables, put up decorations, whatever. Every Organizer is SWAMPED with things to do to get a milonga ready and they are constantly relying on the same (too few) people and needing more help. Stay to the bitter end to help tear down.

I've never known an organizer to turn down offers of help. (Well, there is one who has turned me down with almost everything I've ever offered to do to pitch in, but I think its personal... they NEED help.. they just don't want MINE)

Caution... Don't make suggestions for CHANGING how they do it (no matter how good you think your idea is) Just help with how they want it for awhile. Later you can add your 2 cents. If you try to change things in the beginning, you'll undoubtedly ruffle someone's feathers.
 
Dave Bailey said:
And at the risk of sounding massively sexist, I think the women in Tango gossip far more than the men anyway.
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well, to be fair... at many milongas, they are the ones doing most of the sitting and talking since there are usually too many followers for the number of leaders.
 
I know exactly what you're talking about. I posted some dispatches on Tango L during my recent Buenos Aires vacation. One person persistently wrote that I was a terrible dancer and I needed lessons because women have complained to him for years about my dancing. (Why would they complain to him? He's not special.) The strange thing is I saw him at the Atlanta Tango Festival. He said nothing but waited until I was thousands of miles away before attacking me.

Tango brings out the best -- and the worst --from dancers. Some people need to feel important, even at somebody else's expense.

I'm glad you stayed. Daniel Trenner said (I hope I get this right) "that no matter how good you get, there will always be people who wouldn't like you anyway." You seem to have found one.

Thanks for your kind words Michael. Writing about it made me realize how raw that whole experience was, even now, and it is a comfort to know other people understand what it is like!
 
Zoopsia59 said:
Actually, I wouldn't recommend anything that sorta separates you, distances you or sets you apart. It might make things worse if they are already thinking that you believe yourself too good for them.
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Zoopsia59 said:

I suggest that you try to make inroads by volunteering to help out at the milongas, involving yourself and participating MORE.

Point taken; and it is always a good thing to participate and to help out at milongas, as far as your confidence and other people's receptiveness allow. If you feel terrible about the way people have been treating you, as Bailarina has been feeling, that can quite a tall order. So I would say start small; for example people notice, and appreciate it, if you stay behind to help put away the chairs at the end of the night, and the task is relatively manageable if you are shy. If you try too hard to take alot of things on it can be construed as 'interfering' or 'controlling' by some, especially those who make a blood sport of criticising you.

However in my experience opening up a little, and showing a different, and interesting, side to yourself attracts people; it doesn't repel them. Many people do want to get to know others in the community; they don't immediately assume we are snobs - they just need an 'in', some easy topic of conversation to call on. It's something to talk about that isn't gossip and is generally positive. Those of us who do bring a hobby along are able to involve interested enquirers in what we do, whether that's doing a quick portrait sketch, giving a shoulder massage, or reading a tarot spread for them. And since there are usually so many more followers than leaders at my local milongas, it is a way of filling the time happily -and socially - without obsessing over our lack of dance partners and feeling glum.

Well, I can only say with complete sincerity, it has worked for me. I hope my ideas might be of help to Bailarina or anyone else who is going through similar difficulties. 'Nuff said.
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Every human activity has its cliques and stand-offish individuals. If you are too shy or easily hurt you will become a hermit.

The Argentine tango is no more or less like any other activity in this. Be friendly to others; to get you must be willing to give, to risk rejection. Don't expect quick success. Eventually you'll be fine. People will nod at you when you come into the room, or even smile at you. And you will develop your own circle of friends.

And then remember when you felt left out, and be ready to befriend others who are newer than you.

Laer Carroll
 
See it from their point of view. You came later and you're already a better dancer than them. They cannot be friendly. Your ease to dance new moves or new sequences only emphasizes their own inability to do so. It may not be a joke when the teacher said that you are too good and you need to quit the class. Move to an advanced class where you'll be on par or worse than the other students. Same for milongas, see it from their point of view, who would invite you when only the teachers can compete with your level? Forget the beginner and intermediate leaders, dance only with the teachers, the same way as some followers dance only with 90+ milongueros. It's not happening only to you, when you get good you dance less, simply because there are less partners at your level.
 
Heather2007 said:
p.s. re. arrogant teachers (who clearly are yet to master the art of arrogance at its most artful :-)) I remember a year after my beginnership I remarked on how tedious I found Negrachas (on particular night). My teacher's response to me in front of others was "oooh, Heather thinks she's above and beyond Negrachas". My reply: "Yeah. You're right. I am". ;-)
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Aren't we all? ;)
 
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