Comforting a friend

[Peaches]

One of my good friends found out recently that her mom has endometrial (sp?) cancer, stage 3, and it's in her lymph nodes as well. My friend is only 27, her mom is only in her mid-fifties (not that it's any less tragic if someone is older, but...). Her father died 6 years ago from small cell lung cancer.

What do I do? What can I say? I feel like nothing I can do is helpful, and nothing I can say can express my sympathy for her or comfort her. It's really not too practical at the moment for me to go to be with her. At the risk of sounding self-centered, I just feel so helpless. I want to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Right now, I'm doing the only thing I can figure out--trying to stay in touch and be supportive via email, snail mail, and on the phone. But it just doesn't feel like anything.

I don't want to cause anyone pain, but if you've ever been in a similar situation as my friend's and wouldn't mind sharing, do you have any words of advice? What helped you? What did someone do for you, or that you wished someone had done for you?

If there's anyone out there who has experience counseling people, or something, is there some way I can help her?

I don't even know what to say to her. Do I bring it up? Not bring it up? Wait for her to bring it up? I just feel so helpless, and I can't be there with her, and I wish so desperately I could just make it all better for them.

 

[Firsttime Dancer]

Peaches, I'm so sorry for your friend and for what comfort it is worth you, your friend and her mom are in my prayers.

As for words of advice, tell her basically waht you have said here. That you wish you were there, that your heart hurts so badly for her and that you are a willing ear, shoulder pillar of strength or whatever she needs at whatever stage she is in.

Some times we need someone whom is on the "out side looking in" to scream out at. "Can you believe what these stupid Dr.s did this time" or "This really great nurse transfered!! She can't leave me! I need her! So what if she got double the pay!!" I know it sounds petty but when you are going through these times and someone you love makes a conection with that nurse and then she/he leaves it's crushing sometimes.

Just being there for your friend is sometimes the best gift that you can give.

 

[fascination]

One of my good friends found out recently that her mom has endometrial (sp?) cancer, stage 3, and it's in her lymph nodes as well. My friend is only 27, her mom is only in her mid-fifties (not that it's any less tragic if someone is older, but...). Her father died 6 years ago from small cell lung cancer.

What do I do? What can I say? I feel like nothing I can do is helpful, and nothing I can say can express my sympathy for her or comfort her. It's really not too practical at the moment for me to go to be with her. At the risk of sounding self-centered, I just feel so helpless. I want to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Right now, I'm doing the only thing I can figure out--trying to stay in touch and be supportive via email, snail mail, and on the phone. But it just doesn't feel like anything.

I don't want to cause anyone pain, but if you've ever been in a similar situation as my friend's and wouldn't mind sharing, do you have any words of advice? What helped you? What did someone do for you, or that you wished someone had done for you?

If there's anyone out there who has experience counseling people, or something, is there some way I can help her?

I don't even know what to say to her. Do I bring it up? Not bring it up? Wait for her to bring it up? I just feel so helpless, and I can't be there with her, and I wish so desperately I could just make it all better for them.

not to sound glib...but I am your two for the price of one deal here...my mom 62 has serious stomach cancer...I lost my first child AND I am a grief counselor ...you are correct...there is positively nothing you can really do to make it better....to even try puts you in dangerous waters....what you can do is offer to listen...to say that though you have no idea what to say or do...you are willing to listen when they want to talk or do something else when they don't want to talk....if you know of any burdens or jobs you can help them accomplish that is good too...avoid asking them to call you back...they may be tired and sick or having to give multiple reports to multiple concerned friends.....tell them they only need to call if they feel like it and you just wanted to remind them that you are thinking of them...card along those lines from time to time help...books rarely do...b/c no one has time or energy in the moment....care packages like tea and chocolate and bubblebath are nice too...knowing something about common grief experiences can also help them to know that they are normal...irritation , fatigue difficulty sleeping, absentmindedness....etc...plz feel free to pm me with specifics..

 

[Sagitta]

Thanks for giving Peaches advice guys.

 

[motardmom]

Sure, you feel awkward in saying anything. You are exactly right when you say there's nothing to say. You cannot do anything to truly ease her pain - to make it so she won't loose her mother. But if you don't try, it's worse. You can't just pretend like this isn't going on for your friend. (duh) Not acknowledging this is like not acknowledging her mother. I would advise against trying to relate anything from your life to her life, unless you lost your mother to a terminal illness too. "Yeah, when I lost my cat, I felt really bad..." (I'm exaggerating to make a point...)

Sometimes all you can really do is be honest: "(Friend), I just feel so sad that this is going on for you. I see you hurting and I want to somehow take away the pain so you both won't hurt anymore. I wish so much there was something I could do but I know I can't..." (((hugs)))

I think that in really rough situations like this, all you can do is let your friend know that you want to be sensitive to her feelings and you want to be available for her if she decides there might be something you could do to ease her pain. There probably won't be, but sometimes simply "being alone" in your pain is the worst. Actually... I have a dear friend who lost her mom to cancer a few years ago. She said the most helpful thing I could do for her was being a listening ear when she needed to vent. It's been about 3 years and she still vents occasionally and I still listen. She just had a baby on Saturday, named after grandma... It's been hard for her w/o her mom....

 

[Yliander]

Right now, I'm doing the only thing I can figure out--trying to stay in touch and be supportive via email, snail mail, and on the phone. But it just doesn't feel like anything.

it is more than you know - letting her know that you are there in what ever way she needs you.

I don't even know what to say to her. Do I bring it up? Not bring it up? Wait for her to bring it up? I just feel so helpless, and I can't be there with her, and I wish so desperately I could just make it all better for them.

don't not bring it up, but don't bring it up all the time either - tell her the news of the normal world friends and family - normal stuff - when caught up in these intense situations it can be easy to feel/become disconnected from the wider world - she will still want to hear the story about the evil woman who cut you off in the supermarket and took the last packet of iced vovos or the funny/embarasing thing that you neice said in front of the family priest

tell her everything you have told us and she will tell you what she needs

 

[Keelzorz]

Fascination made a very nice point about care packages - when you're that busy caring for someone, you don't have time to do nice things like that for yourself.

I've also found one charitable organization that can really help in times like this. They're called Angels For Hope (www. angelsforhope.org). It's a group of people who will send out hand-crocheted angels, butterflys and smileys, with a card attached saying "there's hope". They'll also mention who submitted the request for their gift (although you can remain anonymous).

I'm not usually a mushy person, but these people are really good people. It's an act of goodwill that can be really touching, I think. (I might be joining the ranks of crafters, if I can remember how to crochet.) It's an easy something-to-do (you fill out a form on their website), but imagine the feeling when they get a handmade angel in the mail, saying "Peaches wanted you to have this - she didn't want you to forget that there's hope."

 

[pygmalion]

When my grandmother was dying but lived a thousand miles away, I sent a card a week -- one to her and one to my aunt who was caring for her. Every single week without fail. It just became part of my routine. The cards were nothing special. Some were thinking of you cards. Some were blank cards, in which I wrote silly things -- what was going on in my life, problems with my boyfriend. Just hello. Scriptures. Poems. Whatever came to mind.

Funny enough, sending the cards made me feel I was doing something, which made me feel better. And, when I was finally able to go see my grandmother, her room was lined with my cards. And my aunt had my cards on display in her house, as well. For years after that, my cousins from other states called me, "the card girl." I'm not kidding. It meant a lot to them, all of them.

I don't really think it matters much what you do. But it matters a lot that you're trying to do something. Your girlfriend is blessed to have you as a friend. Hugs.

 

[Indiana_Jay]

I knew Fascination would have a good answer and there's not much I can add, except for this (to which she actually alludes):

There have only been a few (less than five) sermons I've heard over a lifetime of worship that really stuck with me. One of them applies here.

The pastor talked about the "ministry of presence." I remember him saying he had not coined the term, but I don't remember where he said he read it.

But the point is simple. It means a lot to just be present. When there's nothing you can say, that's ok, just be present. Show by the expenditure of your time that the other person is important... so important that you're willing to be there, just be there, even when nothing is going on.

The ministry of presence can be very powerful.

Grace and Peace,

IJ

 

[MrJoel]

When my grandmother was dying but lived a thousand miles away, I sent a card a week -- one to her and one to my aunt who was caring for her. Every single week without fail. It just became part of my routine. The cards were nothing special. Some were thinking of you cards. Some were blank cards, in which I wrote silly things -- what was going on in my life, problems with my boyfriend. Just hello. Scriptures. Poems. Whatever came to mind.

Funny enough, sending the cards made me feel I was doing something, which made me feel better. And, when I was finally able to go see my grandmother, her room was lined with my cards. And my aunt had my cards on display in her house, as well. For years after that, my cousins from other states called me, "the card girl." I'm not kidding. It meant a lot to them, all of them.

I don't really think it matters much what you do. But it matters a lot that you're trying to do something. Your girlfriend is blessed to have you as a friend. Hugs.

That's really sweet, simple things like mailing a card or giving flowers can really cheer a person up. It doesn't have to be expensive, or one of a kind, just something that shows the person that you care.

I used to pick flowers from my neighbors lawn and then give them to my friend which of whom was going through some tough times.

Also, being there for them helps as well. Try to embrace them with hugs and kind words.
Good Luck.

 

[waltzgirl]

"Yeah, when I lost my cat, I felt really bad..." (I'm exaggerating to make a point...)

I wish you were! Someone actually said that to me when my mother passed away.

There's a wonderful website called hystersisters.com. It's an online support group for women having hysterectomies, many of whom have cancer. Besides a discussion forum, they have tons of information. You know your friend best, but if she is someone who likes having support from others going through the same thing or feels better having as much information as she can, this site might be helpful to her.

If you can afford it, she might really appreciate a gift certificate for house cleaning or some other chore, either for herself or her mother. Those things can seem overwhelming when you're under a lot of stress.

I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is going through that. Just knowing you care will make a big difference to her.

 

[fascination]

agin, I am going into a comp but anyone can pm me anytime...it is a long complex subject...and I could tell youstories that would make your hair curl...we as a society have lost our heritage on how to grieve...

 

[pygmalion]

we as a society have lost our heritage on how to grieve...

Amen to that. And how to show respect to grieving people. (You and I talked about this, fascination. )

The one that got me the worst was when my other grandmom died at age 82 and a well-meaning friend said to me, "Oh well. At least she lived a good, long life." Grr. She didn't! In my family, people live to be 100. My grandmom had a severe case of diabetes and died of a heart attack when she found out that her leg was going to be amputated. Uh! *shudder* People mean well, but sometimes the things they say can really hurt. :?

Anyway. I think fascination is a wonderful resource for anybody who wants to be emotionally present for someone in pain. She's very wise.

 

[GalacticDancer44M]

When my grandmother was dying but lived a thousand miles away, I sent a card a week -- one to her and one to my aunt who was caring for her. Every single week without fail. It just became part of my routine. The cards were nothing special. Some were thinking of you cards. Some were blank cards, in which I wrote silly things -- what was going on in my life, problems with my boyfriend. Just hello. Scriptures. Poems. Whatever came to mind.

Funny enough, sending the cards made me feel I was doing something, which made me feel better. And, when I was finally able to go see my grandmother, her room was lined with my cards. And my aunt had my cards on display in her house, as well. For years after that, my cousins from other states called me, "the card girl." I'm not kidding. It meant a lot to them, all of them.

I don't really think it matters much what you do. But it matters a lot that you're trying to do something. Your girlfriend is blessed to have you as a friend. Hugs.

Jenn, very thoughtful and heartfelt approach to convey your love and dedication. Who wouldn't be touched?

 

[Peaches]

The one that got me the worst was when my other grandmom died at age 82 and a well-meaning friend said to me, "Oh well. At least she lived a good, long life." Grr. She didn't! In my family, people live to be 100. My grandmom had a severe case of diabetes and died of a heart attack when she found out that her leg was going to be amputated. Uh! *shudder* People mean well, but sometimes the things they say can really hurt. :?

I guess this is what worries me most about dealing with her.

The odd thing is that we're actually good friends, but not close-close. I'm not sure how to describe it. I've known her and been friends with her longer than anyone else in my life, excepting family. But our contact with each other has been touch and go. For example, after her father died she dropped off the face of the earth for about 4 years--she moved and didn't tell me, and her mom moved at the same time and didn't tell anyone. Then I heard from her once, and I didn't hear from her again for 2 years. We've been in touch more in the last year, but it's still sporadic at best.

But, despite the lack of contact, when we get together it's like no time has passed at all. Sometimes we catch up on each other's lives, but usually we just pick up as if we'd seen each other the day before. It's odd, and I don't know how I know this, but I know this is the relationship we'll have for the rest of our lives. And I know that I'll always be able to tell her anything, and she understand me.

I don't want to lose contact with her again. Last time, I've since found out, she spiraled downward into severe depression. I could see it happening again. If she genuinely needs the time apart, I'm OK with that. I'm a big enough person to be able to let her go if that's what she needs. But I don't want to lose contact because of depression.

That having been said, though, I'm worried that something I say/write will hurt her even more or make her angry. Something that I mean well, like Pygmalian said, but is just the absolute wrong thing to say. I mean, if I tell her about trivial stuff, I don't want her to think that I'm getting wrapped up in stuff that doesn't matter, when her mother is (realistically) dying. If I tell her about the ways in which my parents (being parents) annoy me, I don't to be rubbing it in that both my parents are alive and healthy, or that I don't appreciate that I have my parents. If I tell her about happy things in my life (dancing, husband), I don't want her to feel like I'm going off and having a good time while she's suffering. I know she won't hold it against me, but I don't want to cause her more pain.

I mean, she asked me to keep writing to her. And i will--i'm damn good at writing to someone about everyday things. But I don't want to write about the wrong things.

If I was closer and could be with her I'd be able to DO something for her. I'm much better at the doing, than the comforting. I know I can clean the house for her, or watch the dogs, or take care of her baby (she'd know how much she means to me if I took care of her baby--I don't even like babies!), or go grocery shopping, or...the possibilities are endless. But this emotional stuff...I've never been good at that.

And then there's the religious/spritual side of things. (I hope I don't trod on anyone's toes here...) I'm atheist. She's generically spritual/deist. She's going through this thing of wondering why this (cancer) keeps happening to her and to her family. On the one hand, I want to tell her that she'll only make herself crazy trying to figure out a why, that some things just happen. Bad things happen to good people--because life is funny (not ha! ha! funny) like that and you never know. But if she's thinking that God is testing her, or something, I don't want to criticize something she needs to get her through.

I'm just stuck with not knowing what to say.

I'll definitely try DOING some of the wonderful things people have suggested on this thread, though. Thanks, everyone, for your help. This is such a great community of people.