fascination
Site Moderator
your fears are real and understandable and it is safe and appropriate to express some of them...ie ..." i know that sometimes people say things to people who are greiving that are hurtful or thoughtless b/c they dont understand....and I hope you will forgive me if I accidentally do that b/c I want to be here for you but I don't really know how and I know that people also sometimes stay away b/c they are awkward with people who are going through this sort of loss and I never want to do that either"...just b/c she is grieving doesn't mean she wont be helped by hearing you own vulnerablity in trying to walk with her....
also depression is a slippery slope...all grieving people get depressed...some grieving people become clinically depressed...and there is a very real difference...from here, I do not know which one your friend has...but if she has the latter then it is important to see her on occasion ....etc...but it is also important to understand that most people cope in a manner that is consistent with who they have always been and if it is normal for you both to have ebb and flow in you relationship where she withdraws a bit during tragedy, short of extreme despondancy, while that may make you feel helpless, it isnt neccessarily dangerous....just be honest and ask...
as regards spirituality, one needn't be a theist to ask a few good questions which are always better than statements anyway...even aside from spirituality, questions like what do you treasure most about your mom? are always a chance to hear what needs to be heard....anyhow, regarding God...most folk who beleive in god do so with an understanding that at the heart of things, God is Love...and I always like to ask folks if what they are saying about God is consistent with that notion....I also like to ask them to consider how universal pain and suffering is which seems to be evidence that what happens here doesnt much have a relationship to what we deserve...part of faith is beleiving in God when, God looks pretty bad....and our job is not so much to ponder why, b/c it serves no useful purpose(even though it is part of the grief process b/c we want to figure it out so we can press rewind or know what to do next) but rather to let the wondering lead us to a new deeper more compassionate space where we understand that these horrible things are horrible but that life is sweet and others are going through similar things and still need us and our experience....anyhow, end of novel...it is late and I am not at my best...hugs, to you sweetheart...just remember...it is not all your job to fix this...and if you are afraid of losing her ...tell her that you value her and would regret losing touch....not b/c of wanting to be there for her but b/c YOU need her too....grieving people sometimes forget that they are useful and valuable and that people want to be with them...
also depression is a slippery slope...all grieving people get depressed...some grieving people become clinically depressed...and there is a very real difference...from here, I do not know which one your friend has...but if she has the latter then it is important to see her on occasion ....etc...but it is also important to understand that most people cope in a manner that is consistent with who they have always been and if it is normal for you both to have ebb and flow in you relationship where she withdraws a bit during tragedy, short of extreme despondancy, while that may make you feel helpless, it isnt neccessarily dangerous....just be honest and ask...
as regards spirituality, one needn't be a theist to ask a few good questions which are always better than statements anyway...even aside from spirituality, questions like what do you treasure most about your mom? are always a chance to hear what needs to be heard....anyhow, regarding God...most folk who beleive in god do so with an understanding that at the heart of things, God is Love...and I always like to ask folks if what they are saying about God is consistent with that notion....I also like to ask them to consider how universal pain and suffering is which seems to be evidence that what happens here doesnt much have a relationship to what we deserve...part of faith is beleiving in God when, God looks pretty bad....and our job is not so much to ponder why, b/c it serves no useful purpose(even though it is part of the grief process b/c we want to figure it out so we can press rewind or know what to do next) but rather to let the wondering lead us to a new deeper more compassionate space where we understand that these horrible things are horrible but that life is sweet and others are going through similar things and still need us and our experience....anyhow, end of novel...it is late and I am not at my best...hugs, to you sweetheart...just remember...it is not all your job to fix this...and if you are afraid of losing her ...tell her that you value her and would regret losing touch....not b/c of wanting to be there for her but b/c YOU need her too....grieving people sometimes forget that they are useful and valuable and that people want to be with them...