Dance Schools can be disasters for the lonely and vulnerable

[Lai Lai]

There are all these people out there who tell you to "just be confident." The thing is, at least for me, blind confidence doesn't work. It needs to be backed up by concrete things. I decided to strike my insecurities at its core. One of my deep-seated insecurities is dancing.

Confidence and socializing abilities are no more related to dance skills than to any other skills. For me personally it is even contrary - the longer I dance, the less confident I feel about my dancing. "A vivid dance community" is just another option to go out and meet people, and does not necessarily imply quality dance instruction.

I highly recommend a book "The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down and Rise to the Occasion" (I discovered it thanks to this forum) - there is a chapter about confidence (I haven't started the implementation though).

I would continue even if I had to change instructors to someone who I wasn't attracted to. I like dancing for dancing.

Everything else equal, being attracted would be my last reason for changing instructors. The more pleasure I get for my hard earned money, the better. Hey, and having an attractive dance teacher, as well as being able to afford private lessons, are a few little things to boost your confidence in the "vivid dance community".
But seriously, I find a few ways to deal with my mindset when having a crush on dance instructor. First, convince yourself that there is absolutely no chance (not even 0.001% but zero) of her/him being interested, nothing will ever happen and stop daydreaming and imagining possible scenarios. Just enjoy the lessons, because that is all you can get with her/him. Feel the body contact as playing and fun. Second, and this one might take time - find at least a few flaws and stop idealizing the object of your crush.

When I go out socializing and I talk to women, I'm either met with just general friendliness or with disinterest.

Don't take friendliness for granted. I think your best bet is to make good friends with as many women as you can (another little step towards confidence ), and stop obsessing about unsatisfactory dating life and failed relationships. You seem smart and successful. Get more hobbies if dancing does not take enough of your free time.

Btw, am I the only "newbie" finding these insider talks a little annoying (like #19 through #27 in here - totally unrelated to the subject)?

 

[Requiem]

Good advice~

Btw, am I the only "newbie" finding these insider talks a little annoying (like #19 through #27 in here - totally unrelated to the subject)?

This I don't mind. I guess it's technically off-topic but it contributes to a friendly atmosphere rather than strictly professional. It's not like they're being exclusive, and it was an interesting if unintended reference. The forums are pretty quiet anyway otherwise.

 

[AirColor]

An interesting thing is that when you become as good (or better) than the teachers in your area you may start to look for alternative reasons to go to dance events (like flirting with other dancers/teacher) because otherwise you'll be bored of the scene and won't attend any events. Honestly I suggest treating the dance scene like you would any other setting, like coffee shops, bowling alley, etc. because at the end of the day we're all there to have fun. If you go to dances and try to enjoy the process of dancing, of getting better at something as a team, you'll eventually meet someone who you'll have a genuine connection with, romantic or otherwise, and you'll be able to eventually be the outgoing, confident, admired person you want to be.

Sidenote - don't expect a relationship with a teacher unless you're planning to never dance the type of dance in your region again. It's a mess

 

[VronskyWasSoVain]

Confidence and socializing abilities are no more related to dance skills than to any other skills. For me personally it is even contrary - the longer I dance, the less confident I feel about my dancing. "A vivid dance community" is just another option to go out and meet people, and does not necessarily imply quality dance instruction.

I highly recommend a book "The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down and Rise to the Occasion" (I discovered it thanks to this forum) - there is a chapter about confidence (I haven't started the implementation though).


Everything else equal, being attracted would be my last reason for changing instructors. The more pleasure I get for my hard earned money, the better. Hey, and having an attractive dance teacher, as well as being able to afford private lessons, are a few little things to boost your confidence in the "vivid dance community".
But seriously, I find a few ways to deal with my mindset when having a crush on dance instructor. First, convince yourself that there is absolutely no chance (not even 0.001% but zero) of her/him being interested, nothing will ever happen and stop daydreaming and imagining possible scenarios. Just enjoy the lessons, because that is all you can get with her/him. Feel the body contact as playing and fun. Second, and this one might take time - find at least a few flaws and stop idealizing the object of your crush.


Don't take friendliness for granted. I think your best bet is to make good friends with as many women as you can (another little step towards confidence ), and stop obsessing about unsatisfactory dating life and failed relationships. You seem smart and successful. Get more hobbies if dancing does not take enough of your free time.

Btw, am I the only "newbie" finding these insider talks a little annoying (like #19 through #27 in here - totally unrelated to the subject)?

Well all the female dance teachers at my school are physically attractive but I only have a crush on one of them and that just so happens to my teacher. In any case, I don't really consider it a pleasure to have an attractive teacher. After all, they're getting paid to dance with you and to teach you. So I don't see that as a confidence booster. After all, if I had met any of them in real life in any other circumstance, chances are they'd have zero interest in me. So having a crush on my teacher is something that isn't exactly pleasurable. Again, they're being paid to dance with me. It's not like they actually want to.

The good thing is that the crush is dissipating. You're right in that there is zero chance. I knew that from the beginning. Women like that have lots and lots of options.

My main motivation for learning to dance may have been to be more attractive to women. That was the motivator that got me to join a dance school. But over time, I've actually learned to love dancing for the sake of dancing. It actually doesn't come as a surprise since I love music and the arts in general. I play the guitar and the piano.

I'm also at the point now where I have enough things going on in my life that I'm not sitting around sulking that I don't have a girlfriend. I found a group where we sing and practice playing folk guitar lessons. I'm a musical nut so this is something I'm really into. I'm also gonna start playing recreational soccer soon cause it's gonna be winter and I won't be able to run outside. And on top of that, there's my busy career.

So yeah, I'm glad I discovered an awesome hobby.

 

[Xelebes]

In a social dance setting, if she's sitting or standing on the sides looking a little bored, she will probably accept an offer to dance.

 

[Mr 4 styles]

Smoothasian... if you become even modestly proficient at social dancing you will have more dance partners than you know what to do with. One may eventually turn romantic but if not it’s still a great problem to have

 

[Tango Distance]

I been to social dances. Usually people go with friends or it's couples going. My friends don't dance so I go alone and I kinda feel like an invisible loser.

It wasn't clear to me if you go to group lessons, but I'd suggest that. Tell your classmates you are going and ask if they are going to the dance that weekend. If a class is offered beforehand, that's a great way to break the ice with several people who will then be at the dance.

I do mostly Tango, the shorter guys seem to get just as many dances.

Look up "Tango Cabeceo." It just basically means looking at someone to see if they want to dance, and nodding towards the dance floor once you have caught her eye. The Tango people claim it as their own, but really it is just a human thing. I have found it to work well at Blues and Contra events. It is more subtle (people don't see you do the "walk of shame"), and you can "ask" several ladies much more quickly this way.

I used to think guys good at asking ladies to dance had super powers to get ladies to say yes. I now realize it was more likely they had good cabeceo and/or body language reading skills, and would go to ladies more likely to say yes.