I'm only 5.5" without shoes & 140, so after girls put on their 3" heels next to me, they usually say something about it. There are fewer guys available from what I hear, so it was discouraging when I'd be passed up even though I was spending a lot of my own time & money to train. I was spending $40 per lesson once a week & practicing 10 hrs a week with them. I've been dancing for about 4 years now. Yes you're right about the thing with them expecting me to be a stronger dancer than them for them to ride on. I guess that's what I meant by the instructor comment.
I used to compromise & do comps with partners if they would do show dance routines with me. But they kept putting off the shows in lieu of their own goals. I realized we were holding each other back & after a few partners in this situation, I stopped trying to make deals. Now I train with non ballroom dancers who are performances artists from different backgrounds ie; acrobats, jazz dancers & even non dancers. I'm much happier now. I don't consider myself a social dancer, though I do go out maybe once almost every month & I'm not a competitor. So that puts me in a smaller percentile of the ballroom community, in between the 2 majorities.
Anyway, as the post asked about Americans, which I am... These would have been some reasons that might have made me reluctant to get into ballroom if I'd know in advance that being in the game of it was almost more difficult than learning the dances. As for why I don't compete, I don't like to see people lose. Especially if they've invested so much of themselves.
For American men, maybe they're too fixed on the pre conceived notions of masculinity. For women freestyle is enough & ballroom isn't something they can use in clubs for the most part. Or for the money, there are other things they'd rather do.