Funny! LOL :cheers:
Happy and/or Random Thoughts #3
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Funny! LOL :cheers:
Lioness
Forum Master
This reminds me of a conversation mum and I were having yesterday.
Her parents are really different to her. They keep their house pretty spotless. They wash clothes on one particular day. They wash dishes after every meal. They don't smoke, drink, or eat too much.
Mum has turned out pretty much the opposite, and they give her hell for it. She told them that she quit smoking, because otherwise they nag her and nag her and guilt trip her a bit more.
When they come over, they nag about the house.
Our dishes are almost never done (but we're getting better)
Our washing is done when someone decides that they need clothes.
And they just can't accept that she is who she is, and that those things are a part of her life. She doesn't like all of them, and she's working to change some of them, but nagging and guilt tripping won't help.
It got so bad that on the drive to a faraway place yesterday, we drove a bit faster to get ahead of Nanna and Poppa, and them stopped at Maccas for a "Toilet break"
In which I went to the toilet, and she stood somewhere so that if Nanna and Poppa went past, they wouldn't see her smoking.
Heh, sorta backfired on the way back though.
We went to Maccas, same thing, and Nanna and Poppa stopped there too, for a toilet break.
But yeah, they judge her, and she hates it.
Peaches
Well-Known Member
See, that's the thing. For the most part they don't nag. They don't even seem particularly judgemental to me...well, they would be if they knew about the smoking.
Except for the smoking, they know about all of it. That the house isn't spotless, that I drink, that I don't go to church, yada yada. And they don't say anything. In fact, they are actually very good about not judging.
I make it a point not to throw things in their faces. I don't cook pig stuff when they're around, I don't drink at their house, we don't discuss religion. To me that's just a matter of respect.
But...and this is a big but...I refuse to live like that, in my own house, from day to day. I just won't. When they come to visit, I don't mind it. When I'm at their house I have absolutely no problem with living by the rules they want for their own house. But I also don't feel like dealing with disapproval. So...no living together or nearby.
And as far as I'm concerned, I'm perfectly happy for them to believe that DH and I sleep nicely and chastely with a pillow between us. (I'd argue that we have separate bedrooms, but they know better.
I don't want to run them down. I really don't mean to do that. They are wonderful people, and good parents, and if they choose to live their life differently than the way I live mine, that's OK.
But I'm still not sharing a house with them. Or my brother.
Peaches
Well-Known Member
Happy thought: HOME SWEET EFFING HOME!!!
With a drink in hand. (And as to why I couldn't have one at SIL's...well, since she's knocked up they pretty much don't have anything in the house anymore. Some wine, yeah, but I wasn't just going to ask to open one of their bottles when no one else was drinking. Especially since DH and I pretty much polished off all their sparkling wine yesterday.)
With a drink in hand. (And as to why I couldn't have one at SIL's...well, since she's knocked up they pretty much don't have anything in the house anymore. Some wine, yeah, but I wasn't just going to ask to open one of their bottles when no one else was drinking. Especially since DH and I pretty much polished off all their sparkling wine yesterday.)
See, that's the thing. For the most part they don't nag. They don't even seem particularly judgemental to me...well, they would be if they knew about the smoking.
Except for the smoking, they know about all of it. That the house isn't spotless, that I drink, that I don't go to church, yada yada. And they don't say anything. In fact, they are actually very good about not judging.
I make it a point not to throw things in their faces. I don't cook pig stuff when they're around, I don't drink at their house, we don't discuss religion. To me that's just a matter of respect.
But...and this is a big but...I refuse to live like that, in my own house, from day to day. I just won't. When they come to visit, I don't mind it. When I'm at their house I have absolutely no problem with living by the rules they want for their own house. But I also don't feel like dealing with disapproval. So...no living together or nearby.
And as far as I'm concerned, I'm perfectly happy for them to believe that DH and I sleep nicely and chastely with a pillow between us. (I'd argue that we have separate bedrooms, but they know better.
I don't want to run them down. I really don't mean to do that. They are wonderful people, and good parents, and if they choose to live their life differently than the way I live mine, that's OK.
But I'm still not sharing a house with them. Or my brother.
Don't blame ya. I won't say much, since religion is a slippery conversational slope.
What I can say is that, although the beliefs are different, my family comes from a similarly strange and restrictive world, and I can therefore relate.
It's always a weird balance, finding those things that I will make a stand for and those I'm willing to lie about. And it's really hard to describe what it feels like to know that the only way to manage familial relationships is to lie.
I understand. A lot. *shrug*
Peaches
Well-Known Member
Peaches
Well-Known Member
*hug back*
Do you ever feel like you have a hard time balancing (what seems to be) the competing ideas of "living your life as you see fit as an adult" versus "showing respect"? If so, how do you balance them? (I always feel like I have a hard time with this.)
Sorry it's taken me so long to answer. I guess I must've logged out just before you posted.
I'm not sure I'd use the term showing respect, but I think I can relate to your balancing act. Short answer: I haven't figured it out yet.
Long answer: A part of me is always conscious (but especially when certain family members are around) that certain of my life choices are "wrong." No negotiation allowed. They're right and I'm wrong, because they believe what God wants to them to believe and I don't. As long as I'm suitably aware of my wrong-ness, I'm okay, because at least there's room for me to redeem myself by accepting the true way at some point. The sooner, the better. This probably sounds crazy to anyone from a less strict religious tradition. But this is not an overstatement.
Did you see my post about the time I unwisely told my twin that I was thinking about my relationship with God and she sent the pastor of her denomination to visit me? It never once occurred to her that my search for God would not necessarily bring me into her church. Never once. That is the kind of implacable certainty with which I have to deal. Too bad that I'm just not certain. I think every single thing bears examination. And truly, truly I don't think God minds people questioning. My family minds though. Big time.
Don't get me wrong. I am not minimizing your stance or your thought process, but sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to be atheist. That way, I wouldn't have the whole, "God is one their side" dynamic to deal with. Of course, from what you're saying, it's not easier. Just different.
Bottom line: This is one of those big, hairy issues that I know I'm going to wrestle with eventually. Right now, my world view around religion is more defined by rejection of parts of my family's view than with embracing things I really believe. At some point, I need to change that. When I do, I think I'll be all right. *shrug*
You asked.
nucat78
Active Member
Dunno, there can be advantages to such a living arrangement - oldsters have the grandkids to play with and are provided and cared for instead of being dumped in a death warehouse; middle parents have built-in babysitters and experienced advisors and are probably mortgage free; kidlets have big family for support.
But we've evolved into a mobile society job-wise, education-wise, even sexually -the MGLA is an Old World idea partly spawned by economics that probably would not work in our society. However, if the boomerang kids phenomenon continues, we might see more permanent MGLAs.
True. I'm not arguing against all extended family living. I've seen many an example of families where it works well. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but the ex came from an extended family culture. There are benefits to many people in the arrangement. (Not everyone. I wouldn't want to be the youngest daughter in law. But I digress.)
What I meant is that I think it's an extremely bad idea for a free thinker (like peaches) to live in an extended family arrangement with a group of traditional thinkers. She'd die.
Extended family living, in my observation, is not just about providing a social support network. It's also about carrying on a cultural tradition and belief system. Not such a good idea, if you don't buy into the belief system.
My $0.02.
What I meant is that I think it's an extremely bad idea for a free thinker (like peaches) to live in an extended family arrangement with a group of traditional thinkers. She'd die.
Extended family living, in my observation, is not just about providing a social support network. It's also about carrying on a cultural tradition and belief system. Not such a good idea, if you don't buy into the belief system.
My $0.02.
Peaches
Well-Known Member
Huh. Just woke up. So much for having set my alarm. The power blinked last night. Usually I hear it when things shut off, but not last night apparently.
Problem is, my boss is out today and I can't figure out who is acting in her place...and I don't know most of my coworkers' phone numbers. Hmmm...
In other news, Icy Hot smells like poo, and it's really kinda starting to sting right about now. I'm not convinced it's doing anything to help the insane, really painful kink in my shoulder.
Problem is, my boss is out today and I can't figure out who is acting in her place...and I don't know most of my coworkers' phone numbers. Hmmm...
In other news, Icy Hot smells like poo, and it's really kinda starting to sting right about now. I'm not convinced it's doing anything to help the insane, really painful kink in my shoulder.
nucat78
Active Member
True.
Peaches
Well-Known Member
I did ask, and thank you for your response. I understand *exactly* what you're talking about.Sorry it's taken me so long to answer. I guess I must've logged out just before you posted.
I'm not sure I'd use the term showing respect, but I think I can relate to your balancing act. Short answer: I haven't figured it out yet.
Long answer: A part of me is always conscious (but especially when certain family members are around) that certain of my life choices are "wrong." No negotiation allowed. They're right and I'm wrong, because they believe what God wants to them to believe and I don't. As long as I'm suitably aware of my wrong-ness, I'm okay, because at least there's room for me to redeem myself by accepting the true way at some point. The sooner, the better. This probably sounds crazy to anyone from a less strict religious tradition. But this is not an overstatement.
Did you see my post about the time I unwisely told my twin that I was thinking about my relationship with God and she sent the pastor of her denomination to visit me? It never once occurred to her that my search for God would not necessarily bring me into her church. Never once. That is the kind of implacable certainty with which I have to deal. Too bad that I'm just not certain. I think every single thing bears examination. And truly, truly I don't think God minds people questioning. My family minds though. Big time.
Don't get me wrong. I am not minimizing your stance or your thought process, but sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to be atheist. That way, I wouldn't have the whole, "God is one their side" dynamic to deal with. Of course, from what you're saying, it's not easier. Just different.
Bottom line: This is one of those big, hairy issues that I know I'm going to wrestle with eventually. Right now, my world view around religion is more defined by rejection of parts of my family's view than with embracing things I really believe. At some point, I need to change that. When I do, I think I'll be all right. *shrug*
You asked.
Hmmm...more food for thought...
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